Part 6
Ok, today we go exploring! When we left, we were in anGenerally there's "nothing interesting" about any of the buildings, which is a terrible waste.quote:
Alley
This is an overgrown, grassy alley, surrounded by a tall creosoted fence. An open back door leads north; there's a gap in the fence to the south. The exit leads west.
>look at fence
It's just your average unclimbable fence. There does seem to be a body-sized gap in it.
>s
You squeeze yourself through the gap.
Behind Mansion
You're in the back garden of a mansion. You can enter the house through a door to the west, and there's a gap in the fence to the north.
You can hear an especially easy-listening version of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" without any of the twiddly bits playing in the mansion.
>look at mansion
You see nothing interesting about 112 35th.
I haven't been reduced to breaking and entering yet - I'll just leave the door alone.quote:
>look at door
It looks as if the screen door is closed.
The radio in the mansion begins to play "Torn Between Two Lovers," with a disco beat.
... I have, however, been reduced to stealing people's mail.quote:
>n
You squeeze through the gap.
Alley
>w
111 35th
You're standing on a well-kept sidewalk to the east of your new house. The street bears north and south. There's an overgrown alleyway to the east.
There's a mailbox here.
>s
112 35th
You're standing west of a mansion; its rather ornate door is closed. The road continues north and south.
You can hear "My Way," performed by 101 guitars playing in the mansion.
>s
113 35th
A modest, ochre-and-aubergine striped llama-farm farmhouse stands to the west, its front door closed. The street continues north and south.
A llama is watching you from a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.
There's a notice here.
The llama blinks at you stupidly.
>look at llama
You see nothing unusual about the llama. Except, of course, that it's there. That is slightly unusual, admittedly. But apart from the fact that it's there, you see nothing unusual about it. Nothing at all. It's just a llama.
>look at mailbox
The closed mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.
Ok, it's pretty obvious what to do here. First, though, let's finish looking around:quote:
>open mailbox
You open the mailbox.
>look in it
Peering inside, you notice that the back of the mailbox opens directly into the llama's trough. Strangely enough, this doesn't strike you as remotely peculiar.
>look at trough
You see some mail in the trough.
The llama emits a hoarse bleat.
>get mail
The llama licks you. You are horribly aware that the llama's tongue is directly connected to the llama's insides. You quickly pull your hand out of the mailbox.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
This is one of the few houses with a separate description.quote:
>read notice
The notice says,
"Dear Newspaper Boy,
Please do not leave any papers for the next three weeks. I am away on vacation and do not want papers piling up on my doorstep where thieves can see them.
Have a nice day!"
A tangerine Cougar has just driven past. It was full of burglars, laughing and taking notes.
>s
114 35th
You're at a dead end. A camouflaged and heavily fortified house stands to the south. You'd expect things like a moat and drawbridge, but you can't see them from here. There is a gate of the impenetrable sort; who knows what delights lie behind it? The street leads north.
The short hairs standing up on the back of your neck tell you that either (a) a goose has just walked over your grave or (b) some paranoid individual is spying on you through an extremely well-hidden camera.
Ok, I have no idea what to do here. Let's move on.quote:
>look at house
The house is painted with broad splashes of green and brown, like an army lorry.
A gruff voice crackles to life on the intercom. "Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain."
>intercom, really?
[This story isn't allowed to recognise the word "really."]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>intercom, tell me about the radio
The intercom is ignoring you.
>say "unfortunately, it only plays mozart"
The voice says angrily, "You can do better than that."
>say "ok, sometimes it plays beethoven"
The voice says angrily, "You can do better than that."
>say "actually all it gets is static"
The voice says angrily, "You can do better than that."
We've already been in the restaurant. Let's see what the bookstore has to offer.quote:
>n
113 35th
>n
112 35th
>n
111 35th
>n
110 35th
You see a rather run-down restaurant to the east, and one of those bookstores which looks as if it wouldn't have anything you want to buy to the west. The street continues north and south.
Oh, yeah.quote:
>w
You step into the bookstore.
Bookshop
This is a not-very-nice bookstore which sells "packages" and "products" rather than books. Shelves groan with best sellers and bargain remainders. The exit is to the east.
A sales clerk is standing by a computerised cash register. The wall behind him offers a selection of computer software.
The clerk nods a greeting, and looks you up and down.
>look at shelves
The shelves are groaning with best sellers and remainders.
The clerk is eyeing you carefully.
>look at best sellers
Prominent among the best sellers is Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency ("a zany new romp by the author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy").
>look at remainders
Prominent among the remainders is So Long, And Thanks for All the Fish ("a zany new romp by the author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy").
The clerk adjusts the software on the wall.
>buy dirk gently
You can't see any dirk gently here.
>buy dirk gently's holistic detective agency
[This story isn't allowed to recognise the word "gently's."]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>buy best seller
You don't have any money.
I'd rather slit my wrists - I have enough nerds following me around as it is.quote:
>look at clerk
Beneath the jersey-knit polyester leisurewear, you detect a hint of nerdliness.
>look at software
Not much of a selection, really. A couple of last year's Boysenberry hits; you've seen them all before.
The clerk notes your interest with a dopey grin. "Great selection, huh? All the latest hits," he remarks.
>ask clerk about software
The clerk glances furtively around the shop, then gives you a sly look. "You look like a fellow hacker," he half-whispers. "Bet you'd be interested in some, shall we say, special carts I keep on the side. Wanna see 'em?"
>>
Foreshadowing?quote:
>>no
The clerk sighs. "Okay. Never mind."
>out
"Have a nice day," calls the clerk as you leave.
110 35th
>n
109 35th
This is the commercial district. You see a rather shabby brownstone tenement (obviously once a grand family house) to the east, and a travel agency (which is trying to look like a bank) to the west. The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank (which is trying to look like a travel agency) lies to the north. The street continues south.
>w
You step into the travel agency.
Travel Agency
You're in a travel agency which is trying to look like a bank. The exit is to the east.
A travel agent is sitting behind the desk, waiting for customers to explain exactly where they want to go and how they want to get there so that she can get a large commission for misunderstanding everything and sending them to Djakarta.
And there you have it, lovely downtown Buttcrackistan: a travel agent, tenement, bank, restaurant, bookstore, mansion, llama farm, paranoid bunker, and Philaboy Huxley's house.quote:
A large sign is hanging on the wall behind the desk.
>read sign
The sign says:
DON'T FORGET YOUR VISA!
Be sure to ask your travel agent about visa requirements!
>look at agent
In a good light, with a following wind, she could look almost like a bank teller.
>ask agent about visa requirements
"Hey, what do I know about visa requirements? People like put up these signs, they don't tell me anything, right? Some dumb regulation, I guess."
>e
109 35th
>e
Hallway
You're in a dark, dank, drab hallway. Grey, greasy stone stairs lead up, and an exit (the door long ago ripped off by drunken opera critics) leads west. There's a closed door in the south wall.
>look at door
It looks as if the door is closed.
>open it
The door seems to be locked.
>up
About halfway up, you encounter a wall, blank but for a sign: "Property of Random Q. Hacker. Keep out. This means you!" Taking our word for its impenetrability, you utter a disgruntled cry of "Foo!" and return to the hallway.
>out
109 35th
There were a couple of obvious things to do here, but let's start by getting rid of those llama treats:
Ok, before using these up, let's take a moment to make sure there's nothing else in there:quote:
Front Room
This is the living room of your new house, a pretty nice room, actually. At least, it will be when all your stuff has arrived as the removals company said they would have done yesterday and now say they will do while you're on vacation. At the moment, however, it's a bit dull. Plain white, no carpets, no curtains, no furniture. A room to go bughouse in, really. Another room is visible to the west, and an open front door leads outside.
There's a bag of llama treats here.
>look at treats
It's a closed bag of Llamex(R) brand High-Fibre Llama Treats (with New! Improved! Spillproof SuperSack(TM)!).
>get it
Taken.
>e
111 35th
>s
112 35th
>s
113 35th
A modest, ochre-and-aubergine striped llama-farm farmhouse stands to the west, its front door closed. The street continues north and south.
A llama is watching you from a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.
There's a notice here.
The llama is pretending not to watch you.
>open llama treats
You open the bag of llama treats. The bag is full of Llamex(R) brand High-Fibre Llama Treats.
Hmm... that gives me an idea. Reload:quote:
>look at treats
You can't see anything extraordinary about the Llamex(R) brand High-Fibre Llama Treats.
>look in bag
Aside from Llamex(R) brand High-Fibre Llama Treats, you see nothing special in the bag.
>search bag
Aside from Llamex(R) brand High-Fibre Llama Treats, you see nothing unusual in the bag.
>empty bag
The Llamex(R) Spillproof SuperSack(TM) prevents this.
>eat treats
You're not even hungry.
The llama shakes itself and bleats.
Picky, picky, picky. Ok, back to the llama:quote:
An offensively bright and cheery young delivery man, obviously one of those rats who gets up every morning feeling cheerful and loves his work, stands in the doorway, holding a bag of llama treats.
"I'm authorized to accept both Beezer and US Excess," the delivery man remarks hopefully.
>give beezer to man
[taking the wallet first]
[taking the Beezer card out of the wallet first]
The delivery man makes an imprint of your Beezer card with his portable Imprint-O-Mat, gets you to sign a ridiculous form (which you notice in passing contains a larger number than there are things in the known Universe) and hands the card back to you.
"Thank you," he says, depositing the bag at your feet. "If ever your future pet-feeding plans call for llama food, I hope you'll think of Chowmail. Have a nice day!"
The man closes the front door. You can hear him whistling a cheery llama-food delivery tune as he walks away.
>open bag
You open the bag of llama treats. The bag is full of Llamex(R) brand High-Fibre Llama Treats.
>eat treats
You're not even hungry.
>z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
You are feeling hungry.
>eat treats
There are obviously better things to eat.
>z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
>z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z
Time passes.
Time passes.
You are feeling very hungry.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
>z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
You are famished.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
>eat treats
You taste one and think better of it.
>z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
Time passes.
You are weak with hunger.
Time passes.
Time passes.
>eat treats
As hungry as you are, they taste too disgusting to eat.
(Our blood pressure is that high because I cut a bunch of fooling around with the llama, which always resulted in the same licking/blood pressure rising message.)quote:
>pour bag in trough
It's pretty obvious that there's not much anyone can tell you about llama- feeding. With deft and practised llama-feeding movements (where did you pick them up, by the way?) you ease the bag into the mailbox, where it immediately slides out the back and lands in the trough with a characteristic and not unpleasant llama-food-landing-in-a-trough noise. The noise is particularly not-unpleasant to the llama, who sniffs at the open bag, emits a hateful little bleat of delight, and begins to chomp on the llama treats inside.
>pet llama
The llama licks you. You are horribly aware that the llama's tongue is directly connected to the llama's insides. You quickly pull your hand out of the mailbox.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>get mail
The llama is sufficiently distracted to keep her tongue to herself when you reach through the mailbox.
Most of the mail is rather useless, not even worth picking up. You do find a Popular Paranoia magazine, though.
[Your score just went up.]
The llama chomps eagerly on the llama treats.
>look at magazine
It's the latest issue of Popular Paranoia magazine, addressed to 114 35th. A sweepstakes blurb on the cover says, "You may already have won $1,000,000.00 in gold!!!" There's also one of those cute little orange Postal Service stickers, with an E printed on it.
>read magazine
The major article seems to be a debate about who can be trusted. Both authors agree that no one who has anything whatsoever to do with computers can be trusted at all, and most of them are evil little social inadequates who are trying to control us by wrecking our lives.
>score
[Your blood pressure is 175/107, in 98 moves. Your status is Livid. Your score is 2 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.]
By now it's pretty clear what's going on - the mail here, which was "recently installed by the Deep Thought corporation", remember, is all screwed up. So far we at 111 got a leaflet intended for some Boysenberry user group (probably the bookstore) at 110, and the llama farm at 113 got a magazine intended for 114. If we're lucky, somebody has the cheque which was supposed to be delivered to us, which will finally give us a source of money, which makes the world go 'round.
So - whose mail should we try to burgle next? Or should we just give up, head to the airport, and not worry that we'll have no money when we get back from vacation?