Part 8: Episode VIII: In Which the Developers Make it Known They Hate the Player and Small Children

Episode VIII: In Which the Developers Make it Known They Hate the Player and Small Children

Verse 7: A Hidden Shrine


I'd make a joke about Caim blasting through the air like Superman. But then I remembered they just kind of throw out there that "oh yeah...gotta pact beast? You can totally fly" later on


The next few aerial missions are as filler as you can get. This one does have a new enemy:



Griffons! Griffons are bats with more HP and agility. And...that's all worth talking about regarding them.


Red says shit like this a lot earlier on but... nope... All hate. All the time. Indeed, in this very update some poor dying villager asks him for help and Caim responds by kicking him in the head.

Verse 8: A Secret Plan FUCK YOU PLAYER!


This stage marks a sudden difficulty shift from boring and irritating to anal penetration with a crowbar. First off, this is one of the aerial > ground mission transitions which loads the next stage in-game without a Verse prologue. As soon as the stage full loads there is roughly 1.5 seconds between flying around with Red...


...and six archers that spawned off screen behind Red riddling her with arrows.


And that is just the beginning of the onslaught of bullshit this stage has to offer. Red is pretty much useless for the duration of the stage for a number of reasons. The least of which are those fuckstick crossbowmen.


There is a metric ton of killing to be done in this stage. With no less than around four dozen required targets through the area.


First up: You know how those ballistae didn't actually do anything in the previous Ground mission? Well the catapults are a different matter. You see they... Hey...what's that thing off in the-


JESUS CHRIST!



Catapults kill Caim in two hits. The first hit usually coming with the player (myself included) going "What the fuck just happened?!" This is usually long enough to notice the second rock emerging from the soupy fog in the distance and landing on Caim's head.

It is actually fairly easy to just hit dodge in a direction and miss the shot. But, there is no way to know that is coming beforehand (especially since the catapult itself begins firing before it comes into the draw distance to be rendered) and it's a lovely first "Fuck you!" to the player. Still, not the most bullshit thing to be produced by this stage:



That would be these new Imperial Soldiers: The Red Dudes. Red Dudes are super resistant to magic attacks. But, that of course is not a big enough "fuck you" from the developers of Drakengard. No sir.


You see, just using magic attacks on Red Dudes cause homing fireballs to erupt from their bodies and damage Caim. Red's fireballs also count as magic attacks as well; negating pretty much all of her usefulness while they're in a mission. These guys manage to trump even the crossbowmen in assholish behavior.



Getting back on track: Taking out the catapults is an easy enough task. They stop attacking when Caim draws near and disabling them, again, involves murdering a soldier turning an invisible crank. They do have about a dozen crossbow jerks surrounding them to even things out. But, it is simple enough to rush in, impale the phantom cranker, and dash off laughing.


On the side of the catapult is the Empire's banner...or maybe the Cult of the Watchers' banner. They sort of become one in the same as the game progresses so meh... details... We've actually seen it a few times now, but this is the first time it has any significance.

Before you ask: This is in no way indicative of the identity of the Watchers. Stop guessing.


After taking out the two catapults, a new metric fuckton of enemies spawn at the Shrine of the Watchers.


Better known as the Washington Monument Trinity.


Red is not impressed. Nor am I... The Washington Monuments are nice and all but the actual place is kind of a shithole.

Two dozen dead Targets later...


After offing the Empire soldiers, some jerk ass wizard shows up to give Caim and Red a hard time. This guy is the stage's biggest asshole.


Look at this prick. Thinking he's all too good to walk on the ground like the rest of us.


Caim shows the wizard his place in short order. One hit and he's a goner...



Except he immediately makes a a shit load of clones of himself as soon as he's struck down. They all immediately rain Hadokens down on Caim from all directions.


What follows is about eight minutes of Caim holding block and slowly making his way to each and every one of the wizard clones and killing them one by one. Any deviations from this strategy usually result in Caim getting five fireballs in his face for his troubles. Since, that is the Wizard's only attack. Charge up fireball. Shoot fireball. Repeat.


And, in case you're wondering, even attempting to ride Red results in every single wizard in the area spamming non-stop fireballs until Caim is knocked off.

Ten minutes of wizard clone slaying later...


Number of Elves met in Drakengard: 1
Number of Elves proving to be fucking useless in Drakengard: 1

Verse IX: Liberation and Slaughter

You may notice this Verse is in a roman numeral instead of a standard number. There is actually a reason for that I'll get to next update. Drakengard has a very weird way of handling New Game +.


Alright, finally time to take this prick out for good. He makes one last stand by spamming fireballs as before.



You have no idea how good that felt.



I think Caim is trying to voice some notion of "No shit, Sherlock" here.


My idea is that every specific body strives to become master over all space and to extend its force, its will to power, and to thrust back all that resists its extension. But it continually encounters similar efforts on the part of other bodies and ends by coming to an arrangement ("union") with those of them that are sufficiently related to it: thus they then conspire together for power. And the process...
"I didn't ask and I don't care until the plot demands I do so."

Another plot device drifts through the air...


"We had best hurry to the desert. The goddess may be in danger. Not too surprising given the difference in ability to keep her hidden in a heavily wooded area versus a barren mound of sand. Not that anyone would listen to me if I suggested the lack of logic behind that."

A wounded kid crawls in from off screen.


"And where are you from?"


<snicker>
"Hehehe."



Caim responds to his plea by kicking him in the face. Bwahahaha. Caim is the best asshole.


Taking lives to save lives. I am multi-tasking. Unless we find those we are saving are Imperial sympathizers. Then it's just a good old fashion purge of the area. It's win-win either way.
"I suppose that is one way to assess the situation..."

Verse X: A Lonely Battle


That's all nice and all. But first:


Filler!

Five minutes of nothing interesting later...


I'm sure they're all just fabulous.

Verse XI: Leonard's Lament


Something queer is no doubt going down.


Well somebody forgot to turn off the coffee maker before locking up last night.



Our new friend Leonard here is really dedicated to getting a close, smooth shave.


Whoops. They forgot to add the corpses to that first shot.




Urgggh... Did I mention this game isn't family friendly? Well, it's not family friendly. Indeed, I cannot think of a video game that hates children more than Drakengard.


There's something you should know about old Leonard here. You see, they toned down a certain character trait he possessed. That trait being his insatiable desire for little boy ass. These kids were his "brothers" in the sense of "Guests at Uncle Leonard's Neverland Ranch" and not the family one.

Drakengard hates children.



But, at least Leonard is going to man up and mend his foul ways in the most awkward way he could think to do it. His first choice was a cocktail of propofol, lorazepam, midazolam, and a few pain killers he had on hand. But, the whole Empire invasion altered his plans.




...Or he's going to totally puss out. I suppose that works too.



Leonard's botch suicide is interrupted by a mysterious light. What could this interloper in the Valley of Fairies be?


Oh...it's a fairy... I suppose that makes sense... What with the valley moniker and all...

Tune in next time for slightly less dead children. Then tune in after that for many, many more. Drakengard hates children...

Bonus Content:

Movies -
Caim is kind of an asshole...
Leonard's Introduction

Music -
Game Over