Part 19: Episode XVIII: I Have a Sneaking Suspicion...
Episode XVIII: I Have a Sneaking Suspicion...
It looks like Cait Sith finally realized how terrible a character he was.
Oh wait, nevermind. It's just a zany comic relief plummeting twenty stories. Why is Cait Sith plummeting hundreds of feet, you ask?
Dirge of Cerberus is following in the proud footsteps of the recent media tradition of putting a '0' at the end of hamfisted prequel titles with only the most heavy of continuity shitting. As well as retconned locations pulled directly from script writers' cavernous rectums: welcome to Mako Reactor 0.
The game does a poor job of explaining this location and takes its sweet time getting around to it, even though upcoming cutscenes assume you know exactly what is going on.
You see, Midgar was a city constructed atop a cluster of pre-existing towns. It was never made clear why Shinra went to the trouble of constructing massive platforms to build a city hundreds of feet overtop a bunch of towns. The most clear-cut theory is that they were dicks.
The original towns below the newly constructed Midgar basically became shanty-town shithole slums. Final Fantasy VII opened in this area of Midgar. But you see, it seems Shinra wasn't satisfied with just that.
Beneath the slums, they built another city and stuck a Mako reactor the size of the Shinra building in it. They also tossed a bunch of sociopath soldiers down there too. They somehow managed to accomplish this with only the dickhead former President Shinra and his chucklefuck lackeys knowing about it.
This is Deepground.
So, what's Cait Sith doing down here? Well, other than apparently drinking heavily, if I'm seeing that draw distance right...
Why he's starring in his own playable section! Wait, what?! The only video game direct sequel of Final Fantasy VII features an optional character and the least popular character in the entire game as the two playable?! How are there whole teams devoted to developing a game like this and not a single person speaking up to say this is a horrific idea?
Well, actually I can probably answer that question. The one rational person on the team immediately hurled himself out of the closest window upon realizing the direction they were taking this stage. Granted, the window was only on the second floor. But after hurling himself out it six or seven times, he finally got the job done.
For you see, this is not just a section with Cait Sith playable. Oh no. This is a stealth section with Cait Sith playable. I repeat, they took the least popular character in the game and stuck him in the least popular forced gameplay mechanic in the business. There is an entire group of people out there who had no problem with this...
And so it begins. A forced stealth section in a game primarily about a guy that shoots things with guns as long as a javelin.
Stealth in this section is...unrefined, to say the least. Cait Sith moves about half the speed of Vincent, jumps a quarter as high, and makes an annoying 'plop-plop' sound with each step. He can attack, but his strikes hit for single digit HP and a single enemy shot takes between 30-50 HP a hit.
Now, just add in the abysmal draw distance and the fact that the character being a foot tall makes it difficult to see over the array of railings making up the area and...you're in for one really fucking fun section of gameplay.
Did I mention the AI of Deepground Soldiers, or lack thereof, is utterly broken for a stealth based section? Basically, all the guards walk non-stop in a predefined patrol routine. And I mean non-stop. It is not uncommon to find two guards walking around a circular platform and staying exactly on opposite ends walking clockwise at the same speed around the perimeter of the circle.
The rest of the time, they'll walk back and forth on the same stretch of platform. For a comparison, I would probably say the guards in Metal Gear 2 for the MSX have better stealth patrol routines than these guys. To make matters worse, when they'll actually spot Cait Sith seems completely random. I've accidentally darted out between two guards walking toward one another with me in the middle, quickly retreated behind a box, and neither were any the wiser. On the flip-side, I had one soldier spot me while not even looking at me on the opposite end of an area.
If Cait Sith is spotted, there is no search routine or guards chasing you. Why go to the effort?
As soon as he's spotted, a Deepground soldier will automatically lock onto Cait Sith no matter if he's across the room, behind boxes, and has been waiting for five minutes. They'll simply fire non-stop into the wall until he emerges.
On the plus side, they will stop firing to reload, making it safe for a speedy get-away. In addition, only the DG Soldier who spots Cait Sith will fire upon him. The rest will just continue on their patrol route, completely unquestioning as to why Private Ralph has been firing at a cargo container for three minutes straight.
On the subject of oblivious soldiers, no one in the area will be the least bit suspicious should a rogue fuel filled barrel...
Just happens to start rolling across a room...
And happen to blow up a lone soldier on the opposite end of the room. Maybe they're all just too busy trying to figure out why a barrel lazily bumping into someone would cause it to violently explode, but initially kicking the barrel forward has no volatile effect. But, maybe they're not as foolish as me - a man still trying to make sense of this godawful trainwreck.
There are only two sizable rooms in this section, but I assure you it is quite enough to deal with. Unless staring at dozens of packing crates for thirty second stretches is your idea of fun.
In retrospective, does it make any sense that a subterranean army, seemingly imprisoned for at least a decade, has an entire armada of helicopters?
Cait Sith gives chase. There is more stealth 'action'. It still sucks.
Cait Sith eventually catches up with the wayward
And watches as the container and its occupants plummet to their horrible deaths.
"Good gracious me!"
Thanks, Reeve. We really need the Scottish interpretation of despair at dozens of people being dropped into radioactive soul juice.
Or...ya know...getting grabbed by a giant mutant arm before taking a radioactive soul juice dip. Wait, what?! They had a full-scale assault on a small town, one which cost them several heavy support vehicles, dozens of troops, and a ton of equipment...all just to kidnap maybe two or three dozen people for a sacrifice to some underground monster? That was their plan? Really?
It has the pungent odor of a load of bullshit. But, I'm not the one with the cat nose.
Err... Chief... You might want to read the instruction manual for that jockstrap a bit more carefully. I don't think you're doing it right.
It's a special kind of irony when a guy named "Black the Black" is as pale as Vincent.
And so Cait Sith is unceremonious killed. Coincidentally, for the second time by something with 'black' in the title that wasn't Barret.
Tune in Next Time For:
Holograms!
Basements!!
Spheres!!!
Bonus Movies:
Cait Sith Zany Intro
Meeting Black the Black
Cutscenes Present: 7
Cutscenes Total: 73