The Let's Play Archive

Gazillionaire Deluxe

by Didja Redo

Part 47


Pilot?
Sir?
You're a genius.
I try, sir.
I hope this counts. Technically we still didn't get there first.
Honestly, if this doesn't "count"? I'm done with the universe. I'm just done.
...agreed.





Incoming transmission, sirs.



Slev, Tark'la and Sons?
That's us.
I am contacting you on behalf of Emperor Dred Nicolson.
...
...can you hold for just a minute?
Certainly.



THE EMPEROR
HE'S CALLING US
DOES THAT MEAN
I DON'T KNOW
OH FUCK
SLEV
TARK'LA
TELL ME WE DID IT
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF WE DID IT
TELL ME WE DID IT
WE DID IT
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA






You good?
Yes. You?
Yeah. Put him back on.



Sorry about that. What can we do for you?
His Imperial Majesty would like to meet with you on Vexx in three days. It is a matter of some importance. Does the date suit you?
...out of curiosity, would it make a difference if we said no?
It's strange, but that never seems to happen. People either say yes now or yes later. So to speak.
Thought so. Yeah, we can make it.
Good. Oh, and one thing. When you meet him, try to look awed. Can you manage that?
Uh...

That won't be a problem.
Excellent. That will be all, then. Have a good day.









AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA






You nervous?
I am way past "nervous".
...
Me too, man.
So. Since you're the expert, what do you do? To keep it under control, I mean.
I don't, really. I just sort of go with it.
Slev and Tark'la? The Emperor will see you now.






Going with it.






We deem this an acceptable amount of awe.
Guards? No "encouragement" will be necessary. At ease.
Aww.
Now then. Slev, Tark'la and...
...we had expected your sons to be present.
Oh. Yeah. No. They're...they're sick, your majesty.
...
Not that they weren't keen on coming! It's just...uh...
It's infectious.
It's infectious!
The thing they're sick with.
Didn't want your royal highness catching it.
Ah. Yes. A prudent decision.
Well then! You are doubtless wondering why we have summoned you here today.
Yes, we-
That was not a question.
My bad.
Understand that it is a rare privilege to bask in our divine magnificence. In such close proximity, rarer still. But you gentlemen are deserving, for you have achieved something of great significance. An achievement that will have ramifications for all Kukubia. An achievement that...
...what is that ruckus?
Your gloriousness. Apologies for interrupting. Only there's a matter outside that might require your attention.



...outrage! I will not stand for it!
Do not approach the Emperor! We are authorised to use lethal force!
Listen to me! Listen, damn you! I WON! I HAVE PROOF!
Guards! Stand down. Let this man be heard.
You. Before you speak further, you will improve your manner.
...of course.
Your Imperial Majesty. I am Hoff Miester of the Hoff Miester trading company, and it is I who should have been graced with your presence today.
Explain yourself.



These records are from over two weeks ago. They were taken shortly before I incurred unforeseen expenses, due to a wild animal running amok on my ship. An incident I suspect these two gentlemen were behind!
You've got some nerve, asshole!
You're in no position to-
Silence! By royal decree, there will be no bickering in our presence!
Continue, Mr. Miester.
What more is there to be said, your majesty? It is evident that we had cleared the bar long before Slev, Tark'la and Sons did! This fluke, this sabotage means nothing! My company was the first! The records prove it!
Hoff Miester deserves this! I DESERVE THIS!
Deserve what, precisely?
The accolade! The royal family's support! Everything!
...
Mr. Miester.
It is true that we planned to reward the first company to reach one million kubars. It is true that said reward was to be an accolade and our royal patronage, as you have described.
It is also true that this information was classified.
We would be very interested in hearing how you came to know it.
...ah. Yes.
I...er, you see...
Guards.
Dogpile?
Dogpile.
Dogpile?
DOGPILE



Well. As was revealed by our recently incarcerated friend, you are to be rewarded for your achievement, and for your service to Kukubia.
We shall be reserving the planet Loro for a ceremony, precisely one week from now. We trust you will be free to attend.
...
...
Well?
That wasn't a question.
Very good.









Congrats, guys! Never doubted you for a second.
Thanks.
Except for that part at the end.
Yes. Thanks.
And a teeny bit in the beginning.
And once or twice in the middle.
...
Thanks.
Ah. Could you excuse me a moment, sirs? I have a small errand to run.
Now? Geez, dude. Make it quick. Ceremony's starting soon.
I shall return post-haste, sir.
Oh, before we forget. Mr. Roke has something to say to you both.
...
Don't you, Mr. Roke?
...sorry.
Sorry for?
Sorry for being a cynical bastard.
And you promise never to do it again?
Oh, piss off.
Tch. You gotta lose the attitude, man. No room for sourpusses in the circus biz.
...I'll bet there isn't.
What does that have to do with me?
The circus biz? You're about to enter it.
We are about to enter it.
What?
Come on. You're seriously thinking of retiring? You? At your age? Bullshit. That's way too much life to spend on nothing.
But we never...I didn't...why do you want to start a circus?
Because life's too goddamn short, and because why the fuck not?



Well, uh, congratulations. Sorry I wasn't much help.
Hey, no problem. It all worked out.
What are your plans after this?
Dunno. I'll have to use most of your money just to get my debts settled. After that...start looking for a job, I suppose.
Sucks.
Nah, it's alright. I don't think I'm cut out for business anyway. Too complicated. Too much stress. I need something simpler.
Hey, uh. This is a mite premature, but remember that knitwear shop I told you about? I did some thinkin', and...well, I'm gonna go ahead with it. Yer welcome to come help.
Could I?
Sure. Hell, someone needs to keep an eye on ya. Might as well be me.
I'd like that. I'd like that a lot.
Knitwear?
I like knittin'. Shut up.



Oh, there you are. Where'd you go off to?
Apologies, sir. I thought this would be an ideal time to introduce you to someone.



Sirs, this is, ah...
Queen Peelia Veelia. A pleasure to finally meet you face to face, gentlemen.
Queen...
Wow. Really? Er, wow. It's an honour.
Pleasure's all ours, your majesty.
Oh, please, none of that. Just call me Peelia. And I may permit "Queenie" once they start serving the wine.
So you've been waiting to meet us, then?
Oh yes. Your pilot speaks of you often. And fondly. If I'd met him in my younger, immature days, I might have been jealous.
Why?
Wait, you don't...he's...you're...
You're kidding me.
I'm afraid I find him rather charming. Perhaps you'll allow me to keep him?
...
I'm still not certain I believe it myself, sirs.
You know what? I'll buy it. Here we are, about to get an award for being millionaires, and I'm supposed to be surprised that you scored with the queen?
Right now, I'd believe anything you told me.
Really? Alright. When those smugglers stole our cargo, it wasn't my fault.
I believe it. Sorry for breaking your balls. Forgive me.





Ladies, gentlemen and non-descripts of Kukubia! Lend us your auditory receptors!
Damn, that's hackneyed. You think he writes these himself?
Shh.
We are here to pay tribute to a pair of extraordinary young men. Men who, despite catastrophic setbacks, have achieved more in the name of Kukubia's economy than any trading company active today.
These men have reached a net worth of no less than one million kubars in a remarkably short space of time. Furthermore, they were directly responsible for the apprehension of the notorious criminal Brow, who is believed to have been behind the Aquagate Scandal.
Which, we might remind you all, is forbidden to speak of. Ever.
My fellow Kukubians, it is our great honour to present to you; Slev, Tark'la, and...
Still sick?
Still sick.
Slev and Tark'la!