Part 14: Unprovoked Exposition

Fear not! I am just terribly slow these days.

Update #13: Unprovoked Exposition

We split ways with out party after they had at great length dispatched a crystal golem. In retrospect it was decided that perhaps Clobberella's fists should not be the party's MAIN source of bludgeoning damage, as that was the golem's weakness.

Truly, my limbs are objects of despair.

Anyhow, we move right on.


We find ourselves on a ledge above the frozen people. A rock covered ledge. Note another one of those invisible fellows; they're rather ubiquitous in this place.



Why do piles of rocks have levers in them? This is not how rocks work.
This is presumably a trap, Urggzob. See, the levers will most likely spill the rocks down onto anyone walking below, crushing them.
This isn't even a thoroughfare, though. It's a cul-de-sac. Anyone they hope to hit with the rocks would have to press themselves up against the ice wall for it to have any effect.
Maybe it's for decoration? Really, ANYTHING to break up the white/white color scheme they've got going on with all the snow.
I don't care. These villains are dumb. This is dumb.
Urggzob, what're you doing?



Urggzob is teaching himself fundamental principles of physics.
Good god. The last thing we need is you trying to figure out WHY people explode into thirty pieces when you hit them with your axe hard enough.
He he he. Urggzob likes chunks.



Urggzob also likes levers.
Oh no, you broke one of their statues!
...Pip, that was one of the soldiers we're here to rescue.
WAS. I'm sorry, but they're statues now, and they really give the snow fort a little...je ne sais quoi.
If you ladies are done, I think we should go down there and take a look at that. Looks to me like he's holding something.



Let's see what he -- Urggzob, why are you picking up all the rocks?
Urggzob may be planning to construct his own rock-lever traps.
Nevermind that. What's this?



A lozenge? That's like a cough drop, right?
That's exactly it, Pip. The symbol of an evil ice goddess is, in fact, common medicine. That's why it's called a "cold" when you're sick.
I knew it!
Must you fill the poor boy's head with such nonsense?
I must.


Our meddling has consequence, though.

What? Hey guys, the invisible robots are trying to hit us, I think.
Ha! Urggzob needs not see to smash!
If they've got an ass, I'll kick it.



Interesting how, upon death, they cast a shadow and their equipment vanishes.
I don't think I like these guys. They're actually kinda creepy.
Creepy, BAH! I don't like little invisible men because they are weak and useless.


With the amulet on hand, though, we can finally open doors. We go down to investigate where the Master of Locks was being held, and there's this door...


Weird. Can't get this door open...
There's probably a good reason.
You mean there's probably an awful reason that makes no damn sense, right? Because that's how things have worked out since we got here.
'Ronius, why are you...vague?
Depends how you mean.
Nevermind him. It's a protective spell, Pip.


Going the long way around, we run across a Queen Remorhaz backed up by two eeeeeevil clerics.

Not pictured is the Urggzob+haste combination destroying it utterly, before I had a chance to take pictures of it still alive.

Haha!Urggzobisturbofastcrushingtimes!Waaaaaaghhh!
Alright, who gave him the haste spell? Pip?
It was a good idea at the time!


The rock wall behind the baddies explodes in a rain of fire, and what we can presume to be a lieutenant confronts us. Clobberella scrabbles to come up with an excuse to get us past him.

Crap, why me? We're, uh...we're selling these fine jackets...



Smooth. Smooth like your buttery thighs.
CAN IT.


Because he's a bad guy prone to casting area of effect spells, we end up falling back quite a ways before we engage him directly. He crumples before our combined might.

Moving past the area that he was guarding, we come across two fellows in an alcove.


Gods above, they have a fire. Maybe if I stand by it for a few hours I'll be able to feel my legs again.
I thought you said no one was allowed to feel your legs, Clobby.
I'm exempt from that rule. And don't call me that.
I say, old chap. You look like a bit of the magic sort yourself.



There's just no accounting for some people.
Urggzob does not like green robed men! They ask him a funny question and then try to make him leave!
Nobody puts baby in a corner, Urggzob...?
Urggzob does not know what that means! And HE IS ANGRY!



See, that was utterly unnecessary. They were just chillin'.
I get it, cold humor. Because we're in an ice fort-type area!
HOLY FUCK GOLEM



Punch it, woman! Its weakness is your fists!
Gee thanks, wouldn't have figured that out. Dick.
Creature is immune to Urggzob's axe! So maddening!
Use that throwing weapon we gave you a while back. That should work.



...very well. Urggzob still thinks throwing things is how tiny little girls fight, though.
Duly noted.


Venturing further south, we're set upon by a pack of ice trolls with really bad hair.

Finally, time to shine again. Proverbially speaking.
Everyone, get down!



Mmm, does a chap good to see that.
What? The trolls burning, or Clobby burning?
Six of one, half dozen of another.


Finishing them right off, we hear a pleading voice...the same one from behind that door we couldn't open. Investigation time!



Whoa! That giant, horrible ice worm is calling for help!
IT'S A TRAP!
...no, Pip, I think there's someone inside. Urggzob, could you, uh...do your thing? Mind that there's someone inside we DON'T want to hurt.
Urggzob is ten doctors!


We free the silly little man.



I say! Someone whose speech patterns are nearly as OUTRAGEOUS as mine? This cannot be!
He's not coming with us. I'll kill him if you even suggest it.


So, the little man and Napalm have quite the discussion.

So? What did you learn?
People in this part of the world are all mad.
Why's that?
He wants us to find his spider.
For food, again?
No, it's apparently his mount.
Ew!
Folks around here really have a thing for spiders, don't they?


We head north, finding a fort proper and this tiny hole in the side of it.


Even Pip, though, is not tiny enough to squeeze inside.

Truly, midgets are a pox on my life. They're horrid when they're around, and they're absent in the rare cases they'd be useful.
Glad to see you're maintaining such an enlightened world view, Mr. Napalm.
Feh. Clobberella, go find that little guy's spider.
What? Why?
You've some affinity with hairy, multi-limbed monsters.
Grmbl....



THERE. Fucking finally.



Free things! Urggzob loves free things!
Here, let me see those real quick.



I'll take that one. I'm the only one who knows how to hide, anyhow.
Yes, jewelry is for the woman.
I didn't take you for a sexist, Urggzob.
Urggzob is many things. Mysterious. Crushy. Big.



Not bad. Marty, you could use these more than our other front-liners, I think.



OH GOD, THEY'RE TOO HEAVY!
...oookay, then. Urggzob?



NO! You cannot make Urggzob let go of his stone!
You could just hold it while wearing the gloves...
Be quiet! All of you are plotting to take Urggzob's stone!
Ugh. Pip, you take them.



Yaaay, new gloves!


Finally, finally: We get to the point of this area.


That was...forthcoming of her.
Yeah. Why did she feel the need to tell us all that? We've never even met!
She met Urggzob. She pushed Urggzob off a hill.
She did do that.
Urggzob will be a hill, and she will be pushed off for sure!
Even by your admittedly low standards, that's a pretty nonsensical taunt.
We should probably defend ourselves. They're attacking.



Man-horn GOOOO! He he he.
Could you maybe call it something else? Weirds me out everytime.



Urraaghh! Where did dragon-lady go?
Up ahead, I wager.
CRUSH TIME!
No, you fool! There's a wall of fire there!
You like it?



Ah-HA!
Hey, why are those stairs not stairs?
Probably some stalling measure. Pip, see if there's a lever you can shoot.
Righto!


The battle, as we see, rapidly dissolves into chaos.

Thankfully, chaos is OUR schtick.



I gotta say, Pip, those barbarian buddies of yours are very good at distracting tough people while we take care of things.
I'm so proud!


And so, night falls as the boss meets her doom. Not surprisingly, it's met at the business end of Urggzob's axe.

Ooh, she dropped some nice things!
Hm. Let's take a look.



Ehh...could be better.
If we want a chromatic orb, I'll bloody cast it myself.



VERY nice. Who gets to drink it?
I think maybe we should figure that out later.



Ooh, that's a really good sword!
Yeah it is. Too bad the only people who can use it are Urggzob...
Swords are for dainty little women!
...and Marty.
Too heavy, too heavy! Ahhh!



...your noodly arms disgust me sometimes, Marty.



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Okay! I may be busy again this weekend, in which case update won't happen until Tuesday. We'll see. At any rate, if there's more prolonged silence, you'll at least know why this time around.