Part 2

Just using Fraps, and not having any trouble. You'll see a few black artifacts in the first few shots, but that's just because I had my color depth set wrong.

ANYHOW, on with this show!



I am Heronius Napalm V, esq., and if that proves too troublesome for you I suppose I could let you off with "sir." Anyway, I came to Icewind Dale because mother wouldn't stop going on about how we need a man to live up to the Napalm name, and how my brother Ignatius simply wasn't going to cut it. Bothersome nonsense, really, but I got on board this boat to quiet the old gal. I suppose I'll just have to show these ne'er-do-wells the true meaning of fantastic. Speaking of: My shipmates are...quite the bunch. There's one ridiculously pretty elf who I think is trying to bed me. I was flattered at first, but then a rather tomboyish young lady (who persists in threatening my genitalia with harm) told me the elf was actually a man. Embarassing business, that. There's a pair of half-orcs on board too, one who fancies himself a spellcaster (the nerve!), and one who seems content with screaming, drinking, and breaking things. There's also one of those "free-love" hippie types you hear so much about. Don't know about that one.

All in all, a decent set of subordinates, for the time being.



I'm Kruskrak Fairhair, and I may have gotten myself into a terrible mess. I think everyone on this boat is crazy, and I only got on board because there's bound to be people who need protecting in Icewind Dale with all the fighting going on, but...oh well. I can't ask the captain to turn around now, that'd just be rude...But at the same time, these people! There's another half-orc on board, and all he really does is forward all the stereotypes people have about us. I don't think he likes me. There's a sorcerer on board, but he mostly spends his time walking around talking loudly to himself and waving his arms about. I don't think he likes me either. A lady monk got on board - do I call her a nun, by the way? I'm not sure, and I don't think she'd like it - and the only times I've talked to her she's insulted me. I don't think she likes me. There's a druid fellow too, and he's nice at least. I wonder if he takes controlled substances, though. There's also an elf, and...bless his heart, but he's dumber than a bag of bricks. He won't stop singing, either, and while it's not bad per se, it keeps me up at nights.

I have a bad feeling about all this.



Call me Clobberella. Is that my real name? Doesn't goddamn matter if that's my real name or not, because that's what you will call me. Anyway, you could call my life up to this point a series of failures, and while I'm a bit glad that those monks took me in and taught me to fight, I think they're sending me to my death up here, the bastards. And the people on this boat! They're all insufferable! The half-orcs are managable at least; one's stupidly destructive and predictable, and the other's a damn pushover. The elf...eh, let's just say he's not doing the rest of his race any favors. That damn hippie won't stop trying to hug me, and good lord he smells awful. The sorcerer is the worst though...Swear to the Gods, I'm gonna kick his dick in.

Swear to the Gods.



Urggzob has no time for introductions! Urggzob has time for drinking and time for fighting and time for wenching! They tell Urggzob to get on this boat and he will have plenty of time to smash, but THEY WERE WRONG! There is nothing to smash on this boat except friendly people! Confusing people, too! The man in orange who likes fire talks in big words, which make Urggzob FURIOUS! The woman in blue acts like a man, and leaves Urggzob conflicted! The other half-orc should give Urggzob his half so Urggzob is ALL orc and other half-orc is ALL puny! The elf sings songs which make Urggzob's head hurt! The nature man keeps talking about nature which DOES NOT interest Urggzob at all!

Urggzob needs a drink!



Hey, brosefs! I'm Marty McSuperfly, and I'm on a magical journey right now! I got on a boat because they say it's going north, and I've never been up there. I wonder if they have bears? I've always been a fan of bears, because bears are cool. The other folks here are pretty cool too. I mean, there's this girl who's all like "I can punch with the harmony of my body and spirit" or something like that, and some guy who likes fire. A lot. And then there's a couple of half-orcs and they're pretty nice, even if they don't really get along with each other, and an elf who likes writing poetry and just chilling. I like that.

I really hope they have bears.



Hi everybody! I'm Pip Prancerson, and I think this trip is going to be a simply fabulous way to get some new songs written! By golly, if the people on the boat with me are any sort of sign, then this is going to be an amazing adventure. Like this one magic casting-y guy - he's a very good looking human, as humans go, and he actually knows how to dress himself! I was sure I'd be the only one. It'll be nice to coordinate outfits with him. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! There's a really nice guy (with drums!) who's really calm all the time and I think he's all about peace and happiness too, which is nice because I'll have someone to run my poems by when there's time. That one half-orc - the quiet one - seems nice, but by golly I can't get him to open up. Hopefully we'll have tons of time to talk on the road! The other half-orc is a bit scary, and I hope I can show him a happier, more peaceful way. That would be nice. There's also a monk lady who only knows how to talk by insulting other people, I think. I'm sure she's a sweet girl who just needs a bit of TLC to open up.

This is all just so exciting!



Enter: Prologue.


As our party leaves the boat, it becomes rapidly apparent that no one thought to bring anything other than sticks. Sticks. Except for Clobberella, who didn't even have one of those.





Hey, that's real nice of him.
Enough of this chatter! GLORY and DESTINY await us!


No sooner do we take three steps than we're accosted by this fellow.



GODS ABOVE! WHERE is second talking man? He is not visible!
I think you're just not looking close enough, Urggzob...
Maybe he's just very sneaky?
You're all idiots.

Our party, after convincing the dock guards that we can help, carry on our merry way into the dock structures.

A goblin! Our very first!

Fear not! Heronious Napalm V, esq., has just the thing!



...you...you just tried to set that house on fire.
No, I just provided ample distraction! There's a difference!
LESS TALK MORE CRUSH



Marvelous execution, people! Carry on like that and we'll be a right force to be reckoned with in no time.
You set me on fire, man. Urggzob too.
Yes, well, good show. Stiff upper lip, and all that.


Heady after their first victory, the party storms into the house that Napalm almost destroyed.

Only to find it full of goblins.



My everything! My everything is on fire!
I sense a recurring theme here.


Marty makes haste to cure Pip's fire wounds - for those of you keeping track, Napalm has done all of the damage TO the party thus far - and Urggzob finds a locked chest.

I don't think we should take other people's things...
Never mind that. Can anyone here pick a lock?
Urggzob not pick locks, Urggzob CRUSH locks!



...never mind.

Making their way through town, our party finds this dwarf all a-surrounded by dead goblins.



Caves? I wonder if that'll be relevant later on.


Continuing their negligence for property laws, the party busts into house after house. Despite a warning from the gods themselves that this chest may be trapped, Urggzob continues as usual.

Urggzob does not fear traps!



Urggzob LAUGHS at traps!



...should we help him?
No. No, we shouldn't.

After his recovery, the party makes its way towards the tavern, only to hear a woman's scream.


To the rescue!



Goblins attacking a cat lady? I have just the thing!
NOO!

My pretties!
Her pretties!
KILL THEM!



...oh my. Way to bungle this one, chaps.


The cats attack en masse, and prove to be far superior to goblins in combat.

My word. These beasties have quite the nasty scratch.
Wwwaarrrgggh! Foes for Urggzob to fell!

The battle rages on.


Heavens!
What is wrong with you? They're CATS.

With Heronious narrowly escaping death, the cats are finished off. The party retreats to the Salty Dog Tavern to recuperate.

The bartender seems not to believe our account of events, though.



These fellows in the corner are six shades of useless, too.


Our party spends the better part of the day waiting for Napalm to recover from his cat wounds.

You okay now, man? I mean...those cats were kinda mean.
Heronious Napalm V, esq., fears neither death nor feline aggression! We continue!


The pier, like the rest of the docks area, has goblins on it.


Difficult to see though it might be, Urggzob has gibbed a goblin with one swing of his greataxe here.

So many chunks!

Eventually, we wind up in the dock warehouse. The dock manager encourages us to stealrequisition all the goods that we find.

Naturally, as soon as he leaves goblins swarm in. Napalm steps up in the usual manner.


Horrible burning!
Pain all over my pain places!
Mind the spell, lads.

After glorious battle, the party sets out "exploring" the warehouse. Urggzob seems...preoccupied, though.

Oh. Carry on, then.



WHAT SICK MAN KEEPS SHIELDS IN KEGS? URGGZOB DEMANDS ALCOHOL!



I feel smarter every time he does something.
I think this is a good time for a song. Anybody?
_{PUNY MAN THINGS WILL HELP URGGZOB CRUSH DECEITFUL KEGS!}
Anything to get away from the singing.



Not with fire!
What do you mean? Sturdy building, this. Probably won't burn too bad.



Urggzob finds satisfaction! We may leave!

And so, our party goes to the last spot on the docks.


Hear that? That bit about fire?
Pah!


Urggzob must crush!

Urggzob MUST crush!

And so, Urggzob crushes a door several times his size. With ease.

Stepping inside, the party finds (surprise!) goblins!

Napalm continues his fiery assault in the typical manner.

Waaggh! WHY IS URGGZOB BURNING?
Nice job on the decoy work, chap. Keep it up!

Goblins finished, we proceed to loot the place.



...Urggzob, is that a dead cat?
It is a good luck charm!
Ew!

Underneath this warehouse is a cavern system. Caves...? How could we have seen this coming?


We proceed to wade through hordes of goblins, slaying without mercy or remorse.

Way to pick up the slack, gents. I bet the Mayor'll be pleased as pudding when he hears what I've done.
Wait wait wait. What you've done?
Quite so. Onward!




And so we prepare for the next step in our journey...


---
Okay then! Long-as-hell first update! Few things I gotta ask to get kinks worked out.

1)image size. Is the dialogue readable enough for you? If not, I can size/crop things differently so that it's more legible.
2)Dialogue. I'm cutting out lots of dialogue windows because they're mostly filler and I don't want eighty-some screenshots of just dialogue windows per update. Is this alright with everyone?
3)Character nonsense. Too much? Not enough? Just right? I'm having a blast writing it, but how well do you guys like it?

Anyway, I need to go get a drink.