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Largest update yet, but I think it's OK since this is the entire dramatic closing of Disc 1, right?
Chapter 16: Pearl Harbor Sucked And So Does Irvine
Al-riiight. Robert's leader so he gets to do all the cool jobs.
Well, I can tell you who it's NOT going to be.
Eat shit, Zell.
"You can thank me later. I'm assuming you know what that means."
As everyone leaves, guess who shows up, adding a new element to the plan, which should go off without a hitch?
Yeah. This is a stupid idea. Stop being so stupid, Worf.
"We gotta go do clever things. Worf, stay here and cry over how FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE."
Yeah, maybe. But we can worry about that later, 'cause we're in the middle of a professional assassination contract, you know. Important stuff. Saving the world from complete oppression by an evil sorceress, and all that jazz.
WAIT WHAT
Alright, no need to panic. Even though Zell and Selphie are both dumber than shit, they should be OK to pull the lever in Hot Tits' stead.
NO WAIT FUCK
Oh, great. This plan is fucking doomed, and so is the world. I wish we'd let President Deling eat her or whatever zombies do with sexy young ladies. Which I'm assuming is 'rape them'.
Keestis and co. arrive too late to apologise -
- and then get trapped by Caraway's weird locking system... fuck.
STOP GO BACK STOP GO BACK STOP GO BACK
Name dropping her dad, Worf tries to give Edea the Anti-Sorceress Bracelet, hoping firstly that the sorceress doesn't pay attention to the Odine catalogue, and secondly that she hasn't been briefed on objects specifically designed to stop her. This plan SUCKS.
Yeah, we didn't see that coming.
Edea goes out to make a speech, Worf following like a sexy zombie.
This mission is going so well it hurts.
...huh. Well, I guess it's more fun than "I'm so happy to be here."
SHAZAM
Hmm. Well, this is certainly turning out to be an interesting evening.
OH NO! Those things are going after Worf. Serves her right for trying to take out the goddamn sorceress on her own.
No. No we haven't, that's fucking stupid. She got herself into this shit and we have more important things to do.
Meanwhile:
Let's engineer an escape. Shouldn't be difficult.
Hey, a secret passage! How odd.
It leads down into the sewers. Great.
The parade is indeed starting, and Float Sorceress is lookin' fabulous.
Oh, right. That's what happened to Seifer. Well, this is just peachy. I get to kill that guy, too.
"We gotta save Worf!" Thanks, Irvine. You're a shit, by the way, and that hat does nothing for the fact that you're a big girl's blouse with a fucking ponytail.
Lizards! Augh!
And this is me beating the shit out of them. Carbuncle can also be drawn. Thanks to whoever suggested Garfunkel.
NO TIME FOR LOVE DOCTOR ROBERT!
Finally, we can head to the carousel, where there is a gun waiting for us.
Like I said, better not screw this up, Irvine.
That's right, buddy! Better get your breathing down, you don't wanna screw this up. Better not be thinking about screwing up over there!
JESUS CHRIST
Back in the sewers:
It took Quistis about ten minutes to get from one side of this stream to the other, we had to ride on waterwheels and shit, it was crazy. For fuck's sake, guys. That gap is five feet across. Even if you can't jump that far it's only two feet deep. How the fuck did you guys get to be mercs?
Finally they get out of there.
Great. Now to pull the switch...
The gates slam down, and the Sorceress is immediately alerted, as I predicted. Now to take care of fuckup Irvine.
FUCKING SHOOT YOU STUPID CUNT
AAAAAAAAAAGH
Alright, so it looks here as if he easily capitulated, but no, he fucking didn't, he argued for about ten minutes.
There's the bullet...
...FUCK. If we hadn't dropped the gate she would NOT have seen it coming.
It's time... FOR ACTION!
Robert jumps down to the ground, steals a car and hightails it for the Sorceress and Seifer.
I'M GON' KILL YOU
How's that taste, fucker? Seifer was a pushover. He does about 100 damage per hit, so I stood there letting him hit me while I drew 100 Life out of him. Then I physically attacked him into submission. I didn't even have to bust out any Curaga.
The hound is down, now to fight the bitch! Zing!
Save your sexy metaphors for lesbian hell.
Irvine and Worf show up to help. I'm glad they're dependable in a crisis.
Since the Sorceress uses magic primarily, maybe it's time to use Garfunkel.
Actually, the Sorceress can and will Dispel Reflect easily - but it takes her three turns, so we can beat down on her as much as we like in between. She landed about two hits all fight.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Edea is hot.
But wait, what's this? She summons an icicle out of nowhere.
...fucking OW.
I love how Worf flinches like you do when you get a paper cut, sucking in air through her teeth. Because this is totally the same thing.
Is this the end for our hero, Bob?
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