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Chapter 4: Christmas For Robert

OK, so after that cliffhanger ending, we don't get to see how Robert got out without a scratch. I feel cheated, really. Basically everyone talks for a while and then we hotwire a couple of APCs and flee the scene.

Unfortunately, the missiles are still ready to go.

According to Irvine, the missiles are first going to Trabia Garden, and then Balamb. Oh no. Selphie comes from Trabia Garden! We must stop the missiles!

Infiltrate a secure military compound and gain access to their ICBM stock? No problem!

Seriously though, this is stupid. Borderline suicidal. No, we're not doing it. It's stupid. Really, really stupid. Whoever goes will be shot on sight. It is a suicide mission.

"Suicide mission." "Whatever Robert decides!" "Suicide mission." "Whatever Robert decides!" "Suicide mission." "Whatever Robert decides!" "Suicide mission." "Whatever Robert decides!"

....

..........

....................

I HAVE AN IDEA

"Right. Irvine, Quistis and I will go back to Balamb and warn everyone to evacuate. Zell, you're going to the missile base to stop the launch. And - Christ, I'm a genius - Worf and Selphie will help. There's no time to lose! You must go right away!"

...oh.

If you think this excuses you from the suicide mission, think again.

Fate has dealt the cards, and Robert's got a royal flush in spades.

We'll steal a train to get back to Garden, because Selphie liked trains, and... haha. Hahahahaha. Ahahahahahaha, this is great.

Meanwhile, Selphie takes the gang to Deling City to go have a chat with Caraway. He's got the Rinoa card, but he's also a complete prick.

So basically, if we don't give him Ifrit, he won't give us the Rinoa card. And even if we do give him Ifrit, he won't just give us Rinoa, we'll have to beat him to get the card - and there's still no guarantee that he'll use the card in his hand. I've never met a more childish army general.

I took great pleasure in relieving this dickhole of about ten cards, including:

Hell yeah.

Now, back to the mission!

"Don't worry about I.D, guys, the car is proof enough for me"

Top work, Selphie. OK guys, no talking about secret plans or sabotage or coming from Garden while we're in the base, OK?

Bah. Rumbled.

...

...you know, maybe the uniforms aren't necessary. We could probably skip around the base buck-naked and the guards would let us past.

"No, we're spies and we're here to stop the launch."

"Well, sure, if it doesn't get in the way of our secret sabotage mission."

"Hokay. By the way, do you have any pass codes to the launch computers? We're spies, you see."

Hold on. Why are we being messengers here? We're actually helping the Galbadians blow up Garden.

OK, I don't know, maybe we can blow shit up on the way.

Well, great. I suppose we're OK if the Galbadians aren't launching the missiles by eyesight.

"Spies! We told you!"

This going to work.

This is fucking ludicrous.

Oh ho, the guards are out of the way! Hooray for convenience.

We got onto the computers, but the only thing we were allowed to change was the error ratio.

Who builds a missile system with a 'probability of hitting' slider? Can you imagine that order? "Sir, they're in range." "Prepare to fire. Angle 30 degrees, correct for wind and curvature, and set 60% chance of missing."

Balamb Garden can sleep soundly, I guess.

Oh no, whatever will we do?

Huzzah. Zell's stopped the missiles! I guess he's slightly redeemed.

Everything's comin' up Balamb!

10 minutes. The option of champions.

All the Galbadians are fleeing, like real soldiers. Which means our car is gone. There was barely a drop of fuel in it anyway.

Wait a second. Are those fucking missile launchers?

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE ZELL

Great. Zell's as good as killed everyone in Balamb Garden again.

As if things weren't bad enough, we suddenly get assaulted by some giant robot thing - again.