<< Previous Chapter
>> Next Chapter
^^ Index



Previously on FF8:


So, it turns out that if I run away from any battle, the game locks up solid. Ho ho ho. Hopefully this only happens on the world map, or we're going to be fucked when we try escaping from Dollet.

I had no magic, and my GFs weren't junctioned, so fighting was out of the question. I had to reload from about ten minutes previously and play all the way through again.
Between posts, I've drawn every kind of magic possible in the area to 100 (except Scan), and gone back to kick that T-Rexaur's ass.

The following takes place between 3pm and 4pm.


Part 3: Whine Whine Whine, Emo Emo Emo, Dot Dot Dot

Fire Cavern time. This place is the easiest dungeon ever.

I'll choose 10 minutes, because I'm badass like that. But I can last for HOURS, baby.

You know, I'm pretty sure that FF8's script is taken directly from some kind of cheesy transvestite porn movie and laid on top of a game.

Suddenly we run into a bunch of things. "Oh no!" says Quistis. "Things!"

They're fire elemental, so Icequeen kicks the crap out of them. It's funny, you'd think that fire would melt ice.

Seifer's a big mean jerk

Deep inside this cave of lava, into which we have taken no flame-retardant clothing, or water bottles, we run into some kind of Fire Monster! Oh no.

"Report This Monster To The Admins"

Shock horror! Ifrit HATES ice. He doesn't even like ice cream, that's how bad it is. Not that he can get it close enough to his mouth without melting it into plain old regular cream.

WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME

Well, that's what you get for mod sass. Ifrit agrees to join us, and tells us to change his name to something funny. The best thing you guys could come up with in time was 'Charizard'. Jesus.

I think he looks like Lucille 1 from Arrested Development.

Yeah. I mean, it's not like I had one before. Well, time to head back to Garden. There are two more unskippable tutorials on the way, and then Quistis tells me where to go for the SeeD exam, a piece of information which I instantly forget. Now is as good a time as any for:

FF8 Cribs



"I'm Bob, and this is my crib."

"This is my dorm, yo. It's the only one in the entire Garden, which makes me wonder where everyone else around here sleeps."

"My bedroom. I don't put any posters up in here because normally I'm too busy dealing with my inner pain. Also notice that my wardrobe consists only of two identical jackets, and this stylish pair of leather pants."

"This is the cafeteria. What we generally do here is eat, except that I don't eat, I just cry on the inside."

"This is where the prep kids hang out. Sometimes I chillax here, and play cards. I just whooped this kid's ass and took all his cards. Winning helps quench the silent fire that burns in my heart."

"Here's the Training Area. We used to beat up monsters for practice here, until the old Headmaster went a little wacko and let a pack of starved Tyrannosaurus Rex in. A lot of kids died. Yeah."

"This is the li-bary. I dunno, books and stuff? We don't come in here a lot because the rules are too strict and they don't let us race in here any more. Also, this is where you'll find...

... the Extra Chromosome Club."

Welcome to Final Fantasy VIII!

"Here's the infirmary. Dr. Kadowaki looks pretty matronly, but her tits are the size of portable televisions. I cut myself a lot, so I spend a lot of time here."

"Here's me talking to a band geek in the theater. I accidentally signed up for something called the 'Garden Festival Committee'. If they ask me to do anything, I'll just sing some Marilyn Manson, or if that's too heavy for them I know most of the words to Stand By Your Man."

"Finally, this is the parking lot. It's almost empty, because the only town accessible by car from Garden is Balamb (more like Ba-LAME), and I can get there from where I'm standing in under two minutes. So yeah."

Next time on Final Fantasy VIII: Dollet!


<< Previous Chapter
>> Next Chapter
^^ Index