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Chapter 5: In Which A Lot Of Major Shit Comes Out Of Absolutely Fucking Nowhere
Robert wakes up from the Laguna dream to find some tool with a Mercedes grilling his foster mom. That ain't cool.
Well, maybe it is.
Like we're going to give you any choice in the matter of where we go. You know what I do for fun? I slaughter things. Robots. Zombies. The entire security staff of prisons.
Can you squeeze into a ventilation shaft?
WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF LIMES
'Observe' her? You weren't happy with kidnapping Ellone, now you have to... ugh.
"Look but don't touch!"
Lunar Gate? What the hell is that? Someone explain why I'm going there before I go, please.
Alright, I'll go, but I'm doing some shopping first.
Armed with Haggle and familiar it's time to HIT the MALL. First up is the book shop where you can buy pretty much any book in the game, including one of my personal favourites.
This issue comes with a free ice-cream scoop.
Alright, now I'd better go and fuck around outside Esthar. Malboros appear around here, and they're pretty much the toughest enemies in the game except for Omega Weapon. I'm not even kidding. Their Bad Breath attack inflicts just about every status condition including Slow, Petrify, Berserk, Blind, Silence, Poison, and Curse, and it can't be effectively blocked. They also happen to hold Marlboro Tentacles, which are vital for making Quistis' ultimate weapon and obtaining Doomtrain. The only real safe way to get them is to Junction Robert to resist Berserk and Sleep, and have him Mug the tentacles two at a time then run before your inevitable death or petrification.
With this strategy in mind I kicked the shit out of two Malboros and earned sixteen tentacles.
I arrived at the Lunar Gate, reflecting upon how nice it is to be a gangster.
Taking off? What? No, we've just been sent here with no idea...
What? Shut up, Robert. You're clueless.
Good question.
Hey, quit dodging the question, you shit.
...launch?
What the fuck? This is crazy. Why are we going into space? What's the reason for it? You can't just say "hey go into space" and we do it. We need justification.
Apparently not.
That's partly it, yeah.
Easy for you to say, you're coming into space with me.
This could end well actually, because Zell will be guarding Edea. So if she suddenly flips out sorceress-style, guess who gets to spontaneously combust?
I'm not worried. Hahahaha.
Onwards... TO SPACE!
Robert, Worf and Quistis are loaded into a revolver style contraption...
...and are fired right off of the planet. You might think this is impressive, but Quistis can span the gap between dimensions when she gets really angry. Beat that.
HEY ZELL SHUT UP
A giant box thing flies overhead. Wowza!
Words like "humungous" are why everybody hates you, you little shitbag.
So might Nurse Kadowaki. What's your point?
Time to trek back to Esthar. Zell's pretty much fucked because he's Level 12 and the monsters are Level 60.
Zell: "Oh god. I just sat on a lump of shit that looks about ten years old."
'exiciting' is Estharian for 'tedious'.
What a stupid, stupid name.
Get inside it and stop it... What? WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS WHAT IS GOING ON
Time for a briefing!
We only need to hear the first one because Irvine and Edea are gangsters and will take care of this shizzice.
How do they survive in the vacuum of space, Doctor Queer?
Thank you. You have explained nothing.
Arriving at the correct place was a matter of blindly looking around for it. We still managed to get here three minutes early, passing the time by peeing off the bridge onto passers-by. Zell couldn't because he has to pee sitting down.
Getting on board, we discover that the Lunatic Pandora is in fact the caves Laguna and the gang got lost in way back. Sure, makes sense.
Like Zell could have had any effect anyway. He does about 30 damage per hit. The machine just dumps everybody outside and flies off to Tears' Point, whatever the hell that is.
Whatever it is, it lights up.
And thusly Thread Two comes to it's conclusion without actually concluding anything. next week, space!
James Avery still approves.
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