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Chapter 5: How Robert Destroyed The World
After the inevitable death of Ultimecia, the entire group except for Robert are transported to... I don't know. Purgatory. The Construct.
Robert, of course, is transported to a world of black... black like his soul.
Oh look, it's Emo Junior.
Robert's gone back too far. If he doesn't remedy the situation, he'll be nearly 40 by the time Worf is legal.
"I've never seen a more depressing child. That kid turned me into a Wiccan, I swear to God."
Oh no, don't say I'm going to have to school Ultimecia AGAIN. That would be soooo hard.
Seems you know an awful lot about... wait, how the fuck do you know she's a sorceress?
...wait, what? No, don't do that, that's silly.
In a startling display of bitchiness, Edea ignores Ultimecia's request and just sucks the power right out of her.
Robert: "Yes, this is the end."
"But what I think I am going to do now is explain to you the concept of SeeD and Garden in order to create a self-fulfilling loop which will prevent time from ever proceeding forward beyond the next few hundred years, at which point this will all happen again, like in that one episode of Red Dwarf."
"You will find the technology for Garden in Centra - please design it to these specifications. I am not leaving this to chance."
Well, good show, Bob. You've successfully prevented the end of Ultimecia's reign.
At a wild guess I'd say you've fucked around with the fundamental laws of spacetime and are now in some kind of void maintained only by your consciousness. You dumbass.
Looks like the middle of Centra to me.
Best start walking.
Oh... oh shit. Oh, SHIT.
Haha, as if you weren't already feeling shitty, you've consigned Worf to the same fate. She's going to spend eternity on a rock. With you. Hahahaha. And it could only have been a happier ending if Zell had also been on the rock, and he was invincible. And it also would be his birthday forever and he would have lots of pep pills.
"I don't think I could tolerate that, Leovinus"
Hey, wait, that's not Worf! That's Aqua-woman!
And her sidekick, Blurry-woman!
It's like watching an episode of The Next Generation. SOFT FOCUS, PEOPLE!
There is also a lot of happy imagery.
Robert has a freakish Adam's apple.
He's dead! Unmistakably dead. So dead, in fact, that not even a kiss from the fairy princess Zell will awaken him.
BUT LOVE WILL FIND A WAY.
A way which is illegal in all of the world's countries. And prohibited by EVERY religion. Nice one, Worf.
Seifer! He's doing something big again. You know. Raijin.
From the Sorceress' bit on the side to a shitty fisherman. Oh, how the mighty fall.
Oh, by the way, I have it on fairly good authority that Fujin's pubic hair is blue, not white as stated previously. Sorry for any confusion.
"Hey guys, who's this? Listen. WHOOOOOOAAAAAA!"
I've got to say, the man looks damn good in a shirt.
It's a happy ending for all concerned!
Oh yeah, wait, sorry. Raine's dead. Oops.
Kiros: "Hey Laguna! Thanks for letting me look after Ellone! I know you don't get much use out of her, becaus you're... you know. A little bit... fruity. HEY RAINE, CAN YOU HEAR ME DOWN THERE? REMEMBER LAGUNA? I'VE GOT NEWS ABOUT HIM FOR YOU! HE LOVES NOTHING MORE THAN TO WAKE UP TO A BOWL OF SHITLOGG'S FAGGOT FLAKES, DRENCHED IN ICE-COLD MILK. HE PRODUCES THE MILK HIMSELF!"
"ELLONE, WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU LOOK TROUBLED... ARE YOU IN BURNING VAGINAL PAIN? MANY WOMEN SUFFER FROM IT AS A RESULT OF THE SIZE OF MY PENIS"
"trains trains HOLY SHIT flashy light!"
"Guess who's hotter than Quistis? ME! For I am... Hank Lancelot!"
"Oh, shit, alright, I'll do it. Just once. GOOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOORNING VIETNAAAAM!"
"OH YEAAAAHH! I can stuff a whole weiner down my throat! Did you see that? Hey, I bet I could deepthroat a cock!"
"HYURRRK"
"shit I think I'm in trouble"
"also I look like a complete pillock"
Hey, what? what are you shits doing? Don't help him you faggots. God dammit.
"trains trains hey Irvine, what are you-"
"Shut up! Shh! I'm filming!"
"...does Worf know you're filming her? Boom! Wheee...."
"I said shut UP!"
"Fuck. Now look what you did, you little-"
"HEY!"
"HEY YOU TWO!"
"UP HERE ON THE BRIDGE! DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW YOU CAN FUCKING HEAR ME. THE BUTTON SAYS INTERCOM.
FINE, DON'T ANSWER, BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP TALKING"
"THIS GARDEN IS FULL OF QUEERS. ESPECIALLY YOU, ROBERT. YOUR FATHER AND YOU. BOTH RUMPHUMPERS. ALSO, I HOPE YOU LIKE SLOPPY SECONDS, BECAUSE I HAD THE PLEASURE OF EXPERIENCING A LITTLE TRICK WORF CAN DO WITH... ah, to hell with it. Ward. Let's go bowling."
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