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Chapter 10: The Reign Of Kiros
Esthar's Palace welcomes us all. Roll out the red carpet or we kick everyone's ass.
Ahahahahah who made you President, erection boy? Hahahahaha.
Oh, but man, you never fucking shut up. You never heard the faeries in your head screaming for you to shut your fucking yap?
"By the way, in case you were wondering, President Laguna is gay and single. And he's not picky about who he intercourses with. Because he's EXTREMELY GAY, even for things that only resemble penises. Bananas. Aubergines. His Rampant Rabbit. Ward, do me a favour and switch on the Public Address System. "GOOD MORNING ESTHAR! THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S CHIEF PRESIDENTIAL AIDE KIROS HERE WITH A BREAKING NEWS REPORT: PRESIDENT LOIRE STILL HUNGRY FOR PENIS"
Haha. Laguna has aides.
There is an extremely important matter at hand.
This completes my Player collection. Everything's falling into place.
Haha, it's that funny little man again. How does he get through doorways?
Using her powers? That would seem likely.
Oh, right. Well, prepare to die, then.
Oh, I get it! So to stop Ultimecia all we have to do is destroy the machine in the present. Then she won't have it in the future. Sounds easy enough, where is it?
Yeah, but more importantly right now we need to break this machine. This is indeed a foolproof plan.
Wait, you're not listening. To stop Ultimecia from coming back in time, all we have to do is make sure that the machine she uses doesn't exist.
Are you even listening? Hello? Where's the machine? Laguna, tell him to...
Ah, now here is a question I actually want to know the answer to.
...
......
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU
LOOK, shitbag. We don't need to let her compress time AT ALL. WHERE IS JUNCTION MACHINE ELLONE?
THIS IS IRRELEVANT TO THE TOPIC AT HAND MOTHERFUCKER
Wait, listen to me! We don't need to do this! Laguna! Come back!
I really hate to press the point, Loire, but it'll take about a minute to destroy Odine's machine and the lab it came in. I mean, all Odine does is fuck everything up. You should know this because you closed off an entire country for nearly 20 years to stop his shit getting out.
Adel's tomb isn't open yet. May I suggest that we simply stop Galbadia from re-opening it, then launch it into space? And this time, we don't keep it orbiting the planet, we just give it a little push and let her float away into eternity?
This plan is stupid. I'm not playing.
....WHAT
Is that not what we are TRYING TO PREVENT?
My God, you're going to kill everyone. We're taking Ultimecia into the past WHERE SHE WANTS TO GO, and then we're LEAVING HER THERE TO DO WHAT SHE LIKES.
I thought time compression would kill everyone but Ultimecia...
Oh, suddenly the story is changed, I get it
That won't be a problem. I believe in facts.
New Jersey.
What, New Jersey? ...yeah, I guess you're right.
...I see. Alright, I have decided to come with you. To stop you. I can say this clearly because none of you are listening.
"I bet you have the same taste in men, too. Because you're gay. How's it working out with you and Zell? Who's the catcher?"
"That's how I know you're gay, see. Laguna's your dad and he passed onto you the 'hot for cock' gene. As for that Zell guy, he is made of pure homosexuality. And Irvine, what's with the ponytail? Gay much? HEY, THE RAGNAROK, HERE IS A LIST OF THE GAY PEOPLE ON THIS SHIP IN ORDER OF ASCENDING GAYNESS.
IRVINE
ROBERT
JOKER THE CC GUY (CC STANDS FOR COCK-CRAVING)
WARD
ZELL DICKHT
LAGUNA 'HOMOLOVER' LOIRE
ZELL DICKHT
On a separate note, Quistis, Selphie and Worf will please come down to the meeting room for a special briefing involving my wang."
Whilst Kiros proves that he's the only hetero on the ship, Robert goes looking for aliens.
The best way of dealing with First Contact situations is to smack the shit out of them.
Giving Pupu five elixirs rewards you with PuPu's card, which can be refined into a Rosetta Stone. Making my total three. All characters now have Abilityx4, hells yeah.
Time to get this show on the road.
Wait, no, what? Stop!
AAAAGH
SELPHIE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Ragnarok squeezes through the useless shields...
...and blows a big hole in the wall with about 2" clearance of the explosion.
"trains trains trains trains wheeeee! boom boom! hahahahah hahahahaha TRAINS! Lalalalala Kiros put his train in my tunnel lalala trains trains trains whoooooooooooooo!"
Oh no, not you guys. We've already beaten your asses once.
do it
no i won't do it
Since you have angered me greatly it is time that I delivered to you what you have coming. Ding ding ding ding ding!
Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga
WHOO WHOO
The best attack in the world, ever.
Ragnarok: "Hey, does this microphone work? HEY FUJIN IT'S KIROS GET IN HERE"
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