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we meet at last dr. breen


if you ever heard from anyone taht the final boss of half-life is giant baby, you can now see they werent exaggerating. at all.


however most of the time he'll just look like this since you gotta hide for most of the fight


if you havnet noticed by now there are 3 super mega ultra hyper turbo gay crystals sticking out of the wall


the first part of this fight is basically just blowing up the crystals. a couple of rockets does the trick


or a shot from this thing


its about as boring as it looks


so i should probably explain his attacks. he only has TWO attacks, so yes, a bullsquid has more attacks than the final boss. the first attack isnt even really an attack, its just him firing a portal at you


which takes you to a room, and at the top of the room is a teleporter back to where you were. there are three rooms in total and i think you have to get hit by this three times.


yes, the final boss actually forces you to stop fighting him and complete jumping puzzles in the middle of the fight.


but sending you here is practically like a favor since there's frankly an embarrasing amount of healing items and ammo here


seriously theres like six or seven healing packs in this room alone.


unfortunately its likely youll fall once or twice and if you do you have to do the whole god damn room again.


but yeah, at the top of the room theres one of these things


jump in it and it teleports you


back to the final boss room.


oh yeah, his other attack is a bunch of energy balls that do a ridiculous amount of damage and can kill you almost instantly.


so for the second puzzle room you fall into a pool of shit


the room itself is really gay. there are a bunch of gay floating rocks and gay fireball baby things and you gotta ride one of the rocks up back to the top of the room with the teleporter


its so gay. this room is horrible


the third puzzle room is awesome for one reason and im sure some of you already know what it is


in this room the gimmick or whatever is you gotta get around using these stupid jumpy pads from earlier


youre supposed to use it to get to this ledge and the exit portal on the ceiling


however if you take the one over in the corner that blasts you up really high, you can reach an almost invisible ledge with..


a scientist!


theres nothing special about this scientist or anything. he doesnt say anything and if you talk to him he just agrees to follow you and whatnot


obviously i kill him but it actually kind of seems like id be doing a favor to him since he was gonna die anyways. in my books though this scientist is pretty badass. he somehow managed to get to the nihilanths chamber on xen, hes not wearing an HEV suit, and he doesnt even complain or anything when i talk to him. he just agrees to follow me (although he cant because hes too stupid to jump off the platform)


i decide to make a small memorial for this xen scientist. it's simple, yet dignified


sort of


so anyways back here. after destroying the gay crystals and going through the gay puzzle rooms after you shoot the fuck out of him his head opens up like a flower. A FLOWER. That is so ridiculously gay. there is nothing gayer than a flower, except maybe a unicorn made out of rainbows and dicks.


so basically you gotta bounce up to a platform at the top of the room using more jump pads.


once you get to the top you gotta jump inside his head and destroy his brain or brain-portal or whatever. naturally ill be using the crowbar.


seriously what the hell is that?


anyways i guess this is what im supposed to kill


jesus, this is taking so long i could read an entire comic book before he dies


so i guess i will


anyways eventually he starts screaming and putting on this freaky laser-light show


then shit starts blowing up so i guess this means i killed him


all of a sudden i get teleported out of nowhere


into some weird alien elevator with the gay-man.


G-man: "Gordon Freeman, in the flesh. Or rather, in the hazard suit. I took the liberty of relieving you of your weapons. Most of--"


Just wait one fucking second. NO ONE takes the liberty of relieving me of my weapons but ME.


aw yea mothafucka thats more like it


UNF YEA BITCH YOU LIKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER


unfortunately i dont think it really does anything to him, so i guess i dont really need these weapons after all


then all of a sudden we get teleported AGAIN!


to a way cooler area!


yo dog check out all the dead soldiers


and the tanks that are on fire and shit. damn this place is awesome


aw man we got teleported again.


god this new place is hella gay


yo dog take me to disneyland


we get teleported again to some tram or some shit. hes STILL talking about some shit but i stopped listening ages ago


oh shit, hes talking about some job or something, something about me working for him. i dont wanna work for you, faggot! oh jesus i gotta get out of here


aha, a portal opens! i can use it to escape!


haha looks like i wont be working for you after all you dickhead! see you in hell


in your face faggot


oh boy, credits. so yea there i beat the game.


i already knew that.


wow that sure is a lot of names of people i dont care about


so yeah, there. game over.


so i guess you can join me next time as i play gauntlet on the lynx now that im done with half-life
























...or am I?


actually i am. for now, anyways. i just wanted to have one of those "or is it?" type of endings. maybe ill do OpFor later but im taking a break for now.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR: My name is Andrew. I am eight months old. My hobbies include playing fetch, LPs, and eating my own shit.


thanks for watching!






yo dogs heres an AMV i made for this thread

the music is nine inch nails's "hand that feeds" and the ghostbusters theme. yea i had god mode on in some of the clips, sue me.


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