Part 1

What?

Don't ask me, I don't fucking know.

No seriously. What?

... okay, fine. Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom is a game released by Hudson in 1990. You star as Sir Cucumber, a knight of the kingdom of Saladoria. After the princess is "kidnaped" and the King dies, it's up to you raid the enemy fortress on Zucchini Mountain, rescue the Princess, retrieve the stolen Turnip Emblem, and restore peace to the land. It's a text-adventure style game with... uhh, unique graphics and humor. There are no real battles in this game; enemy encounters consist solely of rock-paper-scissors matchups, and losing has very few actual consequences. Most of the value of this game comes from interacting with things, spotting references, and abusing your commands in interesting ways. Speaking of your commands...







Most are pretty self-explanatory, except for that last one, but that'll be obvious soon enough.

Chapter 1: Sins Against Nature


He sent his cruel Farmies out to terrorize all the vegetables in the Salad Kingdom. Shortly thereafter, the King died from the loss of his beautiful daughter. But he promised you, brave Sir Cucumber, the princess's hand and the Kingdom if you bring them back safely. God Speed Sir Cucumber!

I'm Sir Cucumber, a knight of this blighted kingdom. The kidnapping of the princess had been occupying my mind for the greater part of this afternoon. It happened yesterday, so maybe it should have been more forefront in my thoughts, but I spent the majority of the morning avoiding brinewater. Pickling is not a good thing for my species.

Anyway, those words swirled through my head as I stared at Zucchini Mountain in the distance. If I was going to get my just rewards, it was going to be quite a long hike. While laziness is one of my most valued virtues, greed surpasses it. It's time to go.

But first...


What's a little kleptomania when you're on a noble quest?

Lacking anything else to do, I opt to into the Celery Forest just ahead of me.


... it would appear that some sort of cancerous blob is in my way.

Wa... water!!

I think he's trying to tell me something. However, since I don't have any and I'm not feeling charitable anyway...


I ditch him. In the process I run into a crossroads. ing at the signpost would suggest that I can either go to the Melon Patch to the north, Saladoria to the east, and Lake Quench to the west. Lake Quench. Subtle.


Lake Quench seemed serene, until I got assaulted by birds for encroaching on their territory. Fortunately I remembered my Useless Bullshit Knowledge class from Knight School, where they taught us that birds like to hoard shiny things.


A nice start to my eventual fortune!
I also try to the nest (and the tree it was in, for that matter), only to have the voices in my head declare the task to be impossible. I'll show you tree, I'll come back as a lumberjack some day. Since I can't take the tree, I settle on taking some water with me. Might as well help that persimmon out.


I'm going to regret this. I can feel it.


OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I UNLEASHED



DON'T LECTURE ME, BRAIN.

I just escaped from the Farmies! My friends are in the Melon Patch. The Farmies stopped giving them water.

Fantastic. And I suppose you're going to follow me until I help them?

You're pretty smart for a cucumber.

The hell's that supposed to mean?!


"No Carrots." I suppose it's a damn good thing I'm not a carrot then. Some rustling birds brought my attention to the bushes. More delicious loot?


This must be what PETA members see when they close their eyes. I try to him to wake him up, but to no avail. Wait, vegetables like water, right?


Now we're getting somewhere. Maybe.

Percy! It's you! Thank you for saving my life!

I object on the grounds that Percy didn't do shit.
The Prince then rambles on about some passage under the fence or somesuch, that there are others beyond it that need saving, and that the Farmies must be stopped. You know what?




If it's so dangerous around here I can't leave witnesses.


... right.
Anyway, Prince Lettuce said they were dried up, so watering time!


The Farmies apparently know nothing about crop sorting and rotation, which I make a mental note of to use to my advantage at later date. Maybe.


Anyway, the whole freaking lot was useless except for Cantalop, who gladly offered me a Town Pass for my assistance. Score.


A huge, fat turnip guard. I tried to knock his ass out, but he's such a stupendous oaf that he didn't even feel it. Lacking a better plan, I decide to present my town pass instead.


Surrender this pass and go away.

I guess I can't blame the guy for being skeptical. Really, who uses the name Brian McGee for a fake ID? Why, when I was seventeen...

Boss, I hate to interrupt your reminiscing, but I know this guy. Dude's lazy as hell, if we just leave for a while he'll fall asleep on the job and we can pass.

Really.


After sleuthing around a little, I found a small apple shrine next to the lake. I tried to steal the shrine, but it proved too heavy. I then decided to settle merely on the statue it housed, but that also proved too heavy. Curse my girly arms. I decide to give the flower to the statue to make it happy, lacking anything else to do.

After going back to beat up Prince Lettuce for another 20 minutes...


Radical. Time to illegally border hop!


... I swear to god.





I drag Percy's bloodied body into the city. This is going to be a long day.

Thus concludes chapter 1. What will become of our plucky heroes? Stay tuned to find out.