Part 17: More Than You Ever Needed To Know About Gnomes

Update 12: More Than You Ever Needed To Know About Gnomes



When we last left Preacher's party, they were ready to leave Dusk and return to Portsmith, in search of one of a pair of brothers.

"What does this have to do with the Inner Sanctum again?"



"So Dusk's in the mountains of area E-1. Good to know. Well, hang on to your helmets, everybody, because it's time to fly back to Portsmith!"



"Time to search every nook and cranny of this godforsaken town and hope we can find who we're looking for before we die. I can't wait."



"Well, I guess now we know who Zam is and what those coordinates on the wall were for."
"C-15? Could that be a map reference?"
"No, that's impossible. There's no such area as C-15."
"Maybe it'll make sense after we've found Zam's brother Zom in Algary. Let's get back to Sorpigal and take the leprechaun."



"Hey, guys, why didn't we just ask Zam what his clue meant?"

"..."

"Screw it. We're not going back to Portsmith. Let's just find Zom and get this over with."



"Huh. Well, this town is certainly, um, damp. And mouldy. And I think something's been chewing on that wall over there."



"Actually, we're just passing through to search your inn for secret passages. Sorry."

Sure enough, there was a secret passage behind the inn.



If you're surprised that it was full of monsters, you must not have been paying much attention in previous updates. Banshees can cast Paralysis, and Wraiths can "drain lifeforce" when they hit. I'm not sure what that does (it doesn't seem to drain experience), but it can't be good.



"Hey, guys, look! Someone dug a filthy monster-infested pit in the ground here! Let's all jump into it!"
"I see nothing wrong with this plan."



After a short and disappointingly easy battle, the party was victorious. The Swaze Pit would once have been a fine place for the party to hone their skills, but they've already outgrown it.

"Well, if we assume for the sake of argument that Zom can't possibly be as stupid as we are, we're not going to find him down here. Shall we keep searching?"



"Sure, go ahead and measure me."
"That's our Tarquinn, always needing to measure himself."



The fire resistance is from Tarquinn's armour; the fear and sleep resistance are intrinsic to being human.

"Hey, Mongo--"
"Morango."
"Whatever. You know where Zom is?"
"Who?"
"I guess that's a no. Thanks for nothing. We'll go find him ourselves."



"Hey, guys, what's that weird reptilian thing over there that's hissing at us?"

"Guys?"



Basilisks can do exactly what you expect them to do, which is to say they have a special attack that can turn the entire party to stone. The party's last hope is to kill this one before it decides to use its power.

"Don't worry! I'll blast it with a fireball!"



A bright purple ball of light issued from Jostiband's fingers and collapsed like a deflated balloon on the ground.

"Uh-oh. Looks like we stumbled into an antimagic zone. Now what?"
"Untrammelled physical violence, that's what."



"That wasn't so hard. What were you guys worrying about?"

Frustratingly, the demons were still able to use their spells even though the party could not. Even so, with the basilisk dead victory came easily.



"Ooh, a--"
"Not now, Jostiband. We still have to find Zom."



"That seems like a rather inauspicious name for a temple."



"Uh... thanks, but no thanks. Physician, heal thyself and all that."



"Damn it. Algary seems awfully intent on turning us to stone today."



"I still don't see why you guys keep acting so nervous. Everything's worked out okay so far."

Thanks to sickeningly good luck, the party survived a second encounter that should by rights have petrified most if not all of them, but they were still no closer to finding Zom.



"Hey, Preacher?"
"If you want permission to burn all the boats, the answer is no."
"Actually, I was going to ask why there's a dock in an underground town in the middle of a swamp. Wouldn't the boats all just rot away?"
"Well, that's simple. Here in Algary, owning a ship is the ultimate status symbol, because it's expensive to build and maintain while at the same time being completely useless."
"Makes sense to me!"



"Now can you explain why it's so dark in here?"
"Because whoever was supposed to replace the torches for this area got turned to stone by basilisks, that's why."
"I suppose it's time for Lasting Light again, then. Now, hopefully Zom is around here somewhere..."



"1-15... and Zam's clue was C-15... maybe there's something in area C1, at coordinates x15, y15?"
"It's worth a try."
"It occurs to me that for all we know these 'clues' could be leading us into a deathtrap. I mean, we don't really know who any of these crazy old wizards are or why they're sending us off on errands."
"Even if it is a deathtrap, we'll probably have to walk into it to advance the plot."
"Advance the what now?"
"Eh? Why are you looking at me like that? Did I say something and then forget that I said it again? Because I do that sometimes."



"Anyway, let's get out of here."



"Um, where were we going again?"



"Oh, right, area C1, x15, y15, to go walk into that deathtrap."



"Ah, what a lovely forest. Isn't it refreshing to be outside again, surrounded by all of nature's gifts?"
"Yeah, sure, right up until snakes start jumping out of the trees at us. Now, let me just get our bearings... x15, y15... that's up in the mountains to the northeast."



"XX!XX!? That's not a name! Hell, it's not even a good code name! How do you even pronounce it?"
"I don't know. How did you just pronounce it?"



"Well, uh, I guess we should go find that stronghold and blow this whistle twice when we get there."
"Very well, but we've had quite enough weirdness for one day. It's time to fly back to town, find ourselves a good inn and practice pronouncing XX!XX!."



"Who makes a whistle out of a ruby, anyway? Why not just sell the damn thing like a normal person?"



"This magic crossbow not only hits hard, it also raises my accuracy!"



"I wish I'd found some awesome new equipment today."
"For the last time, there is nothing awesome about this whistle. If you like it so much, you can carry it."



"Hey, how come I'm carrying less gold than everyone else? Am I getting ripped off here?"
"What are you talking about? Everyone's getting an equal share of all treasure."
"Then what are all those suspicious coin-like bulges hidden in your pockets?"
"Oh, those? Why, uh, those are just my enormous testicles! Human-designed pants are simply inadequate to contain my proud gnomish endowment."
"... your testicles."
"Yes."
"And have they always been covered in small disc-shaped lumps?"
"Um, now that you mention it, they have been feeling a little strange ever since that one night with that bar wench in Portsmith. Perhaps a visit to the temple is in order. An urgent visit, in fact. I'll be leaving now."
"Well, that was possibly the most elaborate and disturbing attempt to cover up embezzlement that I have ever been witness to. If it's alright with everyone else, I'm going to go and drink until the mental images fade away."



"Jostiband?"



"Yes, Preacher?"
"You might not be the most insane person in our party. And that terrifies me."