Part 5: El Sucko Goes to the E Cup
The invincible flower-ape [Jul 9th, 1000|6:11 pm]
[Current Mood| badass]
[Current Music|James Brown - The Boss]
Cowing to peer pressure, I decided to let Colt take El Sucko to the tournament.
Wait, I do? I thought that was your job.
Well, yeah. I just meant... Oh, forget it.
So sign him up! You were so excited to enter him, so why the hesitation?
Well, um, I kind of forgot something...
FOOLERY?! ON MY WATCH?! We'll beat that foolery right out of him!
He hasn't actually done anything yet.
Oh. Right. I- I got carried away. It's just that word. Something about "foolery" just makes me want to overreact.
It's ok. It happens to the best of us.
Regardless, we took El Sucko to the E Cup. Let's get that flashy TV graphic up.
There we go. It looks like monster tournaments are pretty big. I never noticed, since I spend most of my time browsing myspace. Don't look at me like that! I thought it would lead to a career... a career in making friends lists. Um. So, the tournament.
There was this crazy guy wandering around the stadium, talking into a metal cone. He was scaring the children. And by children, I meant Colt.
Hey! Take that out!
Too late! It auto-publishes.
Well take that out!
I'm going to my room.
There were six combatants in this extravaganza. Whoever had the most wins at the end, gets the cup. We had the opening match, and it was against some monster called Oakleyman.
It apparently belongs to a local hip-hop group, who were looking to branch out into monster breeding. They already started merchandising it, having set up stands that sold Oakleyman t-shirts, Oakleyman energy drinks, and Oakleyman gold tooth caps.
As soon as the match opened, Oakleyman punched a hole through El Sucko.
The hole filled itself, but El Sucko didn't feel like getting back up after that hit.
Colt! What the hell happened!?
That other monster got a lucky hit in. That and El Sucko, well, he sucks. You probably just need to give him a pep talk before the next match.
Before the next match began, I crept into El Sucko's pen. I then whispered into its ear/stamen analogue about how much mulch I could get off its body if it lost another match. I'm not sure if it even understood me, though. It just sat there, staring vacantly into the wall, just like it does at home.
When that opening bell rang, El Sucko slapped his opponent silly.
But then Harikicks retaliated with, uh, kicks. Harikicks.
The time ran out for the match. Once the judges managed to collect and measure the spilled blood, it appeared as though that dinosaur lost just a little more than El Sucko. The swamp thing managed to get a win. If he keeps this up, I might just be able to avoid bankruptcy!
Next up was just about the weakest looking bunny I've ever seen.
El Sucko smacked him so hard, that his vertebrae shattered.
We got the win, and the rabbit was condemned to life as a warm, brown slinky.
Our next opponent was some kind of midget werewolf. It scares me, but on a different level than a normal werewolf.
The littlest wolfman let out a tiny yet furious growl and charged at El Sucko. At impact, the furball exploded itself, hurting both it and El Sucko in the process.
El Sucko managed to take the least amount of damage from the suicide bombing. I don't even want to know why someone would train their monster to do something that stupid.
The final opponent was... what the hell is that thing?
That's a suezo!
But... but I thought suezos were supposed to be yellow and cute, like on TV. That thing is an abomination.
Yep, that's a suezo all right. We call them 'Nature's Cruelest Joke' back at assistant school.
I am so disillusioned right now.
He tried to lick El Sucko. He unhinged his jaw, protruded a giant green tongue, and attempted to lick El Sucko in an attempt to damage it. Why! Why would anything attack like that!?
I think El Sucko was about as disgusted as I was, because it somehow found the strength to flatten that ugly thing like a soda can.
When the dust settled, and the blood was measured, we nabbed ourselves another win.
Better yet, El Sucko somehow managed to win the tournament! In victory, it... stared at us blankly, as usual. I think it might be autistic.
He didn't gain a whole lot of fame, though. I think maybe one person mentioned his name in passing, and that was about it. Even then, he said that on the way to the Oakleyman Jive Juice stand.
Back at the ranch, we were trying to make sense of how we were able to actually win a tournament after only a couple of months of work.
How do you figure? I mean, I don't even know if it's capable of learning at all.
But he didn't learn anything. He just got a little better at hitting things.
And that's what he learned.
Do- do you even know what learning means?
It's when your stats go up!
Oh. Um. Yes, yes it is. Why?
And then he walked away, chuckling to himself. That can't be good. Oh, also we got something in the mail.
Awesome! We got a notice!
Not one bit.
Oh, I guess I didn't tell you.
Aren't you going to tell me now?
Anyway, I suppose we should start actually training El Sucko now. What do you guys think we should make him do?