IntroductionDear Pokélord, please watch over us as we do this shit again.
Hey check it, Pokémon Platinum Version. Lookit dat big gold-plated shadow-tentacled devilwyrm on that cover. Pretty bitchin' for a Pokémon.
The Platinum version of Pokémon is the third "Hey let's make the first two versions again except with more awesome shit and taking out the annoying shit" game of the fourth generation of the series. (You know, kinda like Crystal with Gen2 and Emerald with Gen3.) Same deal, slightly altered story, different monsters, etc.
Aaaanywho, the fourth generation of the series introduced a few changes along with 107 more little bastards to cram into tiny, cold little balls; one of which is even the creator god in local mythology! OH BOY theological dilemmas abound in the Sinnoh region.
Aside from the new monsters and abilities it split the way moves worked. Previous all water-type moves, for example, worked off of the special attack stat. Even ones like Crabhammer which is literally a giant fuck-off crab claw being pounded onto your lower back/skull/corporeal being. With Gen4 all moves are now either physical or special based on the move itself. So some monsters got leaps and bounds better and combat as a whole got more interesting.
I'm gonna cover most of the changes and intricacies they added as I come across them so for now let's start this magical, truly wonderful journey of specialness and friendship. You fuckers voted on the female leadAgainand then maybe I'll abandon the starter in a ditch for a grasshopper or a kumquat with a doofy face later. Who knows?! That's one of the wonders of Pokémon: the ever present knowledge that you might be replaced by a doofy-faced kumquat.
Table of Contents
- #1: The one where we get Pokémons.
- #2: A Short Walk
- #3: So much damned exposition
- #4: Shut up with the Literary Pokémon Things Now.
- #5: Coal Minin' Town
- #6: Beatin' Up Punks
- #7: If There's ever a Grass/Ghost-type I'd name it Booberry
- #8: Honey Electric Balloons
- -Zorak Interlude: Lucas and the Alley
- #9: An Egg-istential Quandary and an Eterna enigma Cheryl Pun
- #10: I'm Adam, Prince of Eterna
- #11: The Girl's Got Jungle Fever
- #12: La Casa de los Muertes.
- #13: Carry on Wayward Cave
- #14: Contests Suck Now
- -Zorak Interlude: MEANWHILE, DEEP IN THE POKÉWEB
- #15: Big French Titties
- #16 - Jorge Shows Up Again!
- #17. Some Sort of Title with Solace In It
- #18: Fog and Rain
- #19: Evil Notes City
- #20. Fuck Wildlife Sanctuaries
- #21. More Swamp
- #22. Little Girl Battles
- #23 - I Got Friends in Idiot Places
- #24: Pokémon League is a triple-threat in Pokémon, Wrestling, and Song for 7/18
- #25. THERE'S A BOMB IN THE CRAPPY 90S REFERENCE.
- -Zorak Interlude: Lucas Again
- #26. Mountains, Birds and Spacemen
- #27. That Update I Always Do Immediately After Getting Surf Where I Back Track and Pick Up Useless Junk and Also Tentacool
- #28. Anal Cave City
- #29. An Octopus with a Cannon Riding On a Giant Snapping Turtle Just Trampling and Shooting Everything.
- #30. Books and Magikarp.
- #31. Walking in a Winter WonderFuck Snow.
- #32. Icy Battle!! VS. Glorious Gym Leader Candice!! The Competitor's a Sausage Link Princess?!!
- #33. Cyrus is a Very Disturbed Individual
- #34. Following a Madman to a Mountain Summit
- #35. Climactic Galactic . . . uh, Bombastic. . . Tactic. . . Shut up.
- #36. Basically the Surf Update but with Rock Climb
- #37. Catching Shit
- #38. Horsey Sun City
- #39. Fuck Victory Road.
- #40. The Elite Four . . . ?
- #41. Bugs and Dirt
- #42. Fire, Brains and an Egg
- #43. Pokémon Platinum R: Jorge's Ambition!!
- #44. Home Away from the Place my Mother Lives
- #45. Catching a Bunch of Shit
- #46. Why is There So Much Stuff to Capture?
- #47. I Swear to God this is Probably the Last Catching Shit Filler also it's Short
- #48. Golem (Not that Golem)
- #49. An Eventful Day
- -Mini Update - Gardenia Visits
- #50. The Shaymin Update
- #51. BRAINS.
- #52. Let's Wrap Up some Plot Points you Forgot About
- #53. Time & Space, Beginning & End