Part 7: Episode VII: I Feel Like I'm Being Left Out

Episode VII: I Feel Like I'm Being Left Out

When last we left our heroes, they died a hideously death in crunch train derailing fashion. With that said... Where's that copy of the REmake...?


Ouch. The crash ejected him through the window and must have liquefied his face when it impacted on the concrete. Poor guy...


Wait, what?! He's fucking alive? How is this man fucking alive?!


Ah, so the rest of the game takes place in some surreal hell landscape. Well, thank the heavens. I was sure we'd end up in another mansion-esque setting or industrial complex. Right? Right?!


How on earth did he end up all the way over there when the train car he derailed on is all the way over there?


They both survived? The fucking thing fell over while going about 80 mph, was smashed, and is now on fire and two people on opposite ends of the train both lived through it? Speaking of which, how the hell did Rebecca end up further ahead of the train than Billy?


"By the way, I think I severed my arm. It's only staying on because I'm holding it in place."
"Yep. We managed the hell out of that train."


"I think I broke my ribs too. Like...all of them. I might have peed myself."


"Hey, all our junk fell out of the train. Get crackin', girlie."
"B-But my arm."
"Fine, take a green herb. 'A' as in one. I'd better not see any mixing of herbs or I swear to God I'll rip that arm out and throw it into a tree. There. Better? Now, you know what I'm not hearing? The sound of an inventory menu opening." <snaps fingers>


Unfortunately, a number of zombies managed to survive the train wreck despite the fact I'd done a full zombie genocide up until this point. We're they chilling on the roof with the scorpion?


"Hey, I found a way out."
"Hey, I found a spare ink ribbon." <snaps fingers>


Thus the pair escape to the safety of the sewers. As even random hidden tunnels need sewer systems.


A short jog through human waste to make it to the office. The warm greeting you come to know and expect from Umbrella Inc.


Pictured: Our heroes climbing out of a plot hole.


This is not the mansion from Resident Evil 1. Apparently, Umbrella has a second creepy laboratory mansion in the woods a few miles away from the original game's creepy mansion laboratory in the woods. Since just one was not enough, you see.


Meanwhile, something catches Rebecca's eye.


They just make this too easy for me...


"Hey folks, is us back at Capcom. In case you forgot evens which took place fifteen minutes ago. Here's a brief flashback! Enjoy."



"Hope you enjoyed. Well, have fun with the rest of the game! I'm off to drill a hole into a puppy's forehead and record its muffled cries of agony. It helps me get to sleep at night."


Dr. James Marcus. Remember that name, because we're going to be hearing about this guy a lot.


"And why on earth are we watching a security video of an abandoned facility that has nothing to do with anything that has transpired thus far?"
"Probably the same reason we're sitting in our basement on a Friday night watching computer monitors."
<sigh>


"She looks like she's about fourteen years old and you hired her?"
"Her résumé said she was an expert at mixing herbs."
"Mixing herbs?! My fucking twelve year old daughter can mix herbs!"


Nice to know Willie B. has his eyes on the prize.



<clears throat> "Oh God! There's been an accident! Send he-RAGHLEAHHHH!!"


"Hey guys, what to you think will happen if we inject the virus in this ferret?!"
"Something fucking awesome is what!"


Rebecca seems mildly troubled as to why the picture randomly went on fire for this PDA announcement...


Do nuclear explosions caused by the sheer caliber of united fuck-ups count? Cause, the company is all over that shit if that's the case.


Even their company motto sounds like the chant of some Saturday Morning cartoon villains.


Hey, it's the jackass on the hill... Who is now, apparently, in the same facility as Rebecca and Billy... Now, I'm assuming a barefoot fruitcake in a bath robe singing to his leeches, out in the rain, on a hill, in the dark is not sporting any kind of vehicle.

Let's look at this for a moment. Assuming the train started moving and kept moving for twenty minutes before crashing. Now, that train was fucking trucking. But, let us assume it was moving about 70 miles per hour.

Which means it was moving roughly 1.16~ miles per minute.

Which means in twenty minutes, it would have traveled 23.3~ miles down the tracks before crashing.

Yet, Mr. RPG Villain here managed to travel, on foot mind you, that distance and then some in time to make it to some security station, set up a camera, and hack into the frequency of whatever underground lab Wesker and Birkin are chilling out in. All ahead of Rebecca and Billy traveling two rooms and making it into the facility.


Fucking magic is what he is. Hell, he's dressed like a wizard as it is.


You see this line here. This is the only relevant thing we'll find in this entire game that isn't needless fluff. This asshat caused the incident that started Resident Evil 1. It's all stuff yanked straight from Capcom's ass from here on out.


Though, they neglect to explain exactly how he caused the events in Resident Evil 1's mansion. I'm assuming, due to the lack of leeches, he just sort of lobbed a vial of the T-Virus at some guard taking a nap on the patio, then ran off into the woods giggling. It sort of took off from there.



I know my quest for vengeance would factor heavily on decimating unimportant, remote facilities of my vast corporate enemy.


I'm really impressed by this guy's ability to produce an eerie orchestral score along with his operatic abilities.


"Boys, why we rollin' with this broke ass cracka? Fool can't even afford any kicks."
"Fool, you seen this game's plot? This nigga got the cronic rollin'"
"Motherfucka, I'm so high right now yo look like an ol' white guy."


Really, what the hell is this guy wearing? You could stick him in Final Fantasy X and nobody would bat an eyebrow.


I'd like to note there is clearly no camera in front of this guy in which he is video taping himself to the W.B.


Yes, those leeches earlier weren't filling the old guy at the table. They can literally morph into the form of an elderly head of Umbrella. Complete with well-tailored suit.


"I always thought he was just going senile when he told me he was made out of leeches."


I'd like to note while there may, in fact, be a camera just off screen for our mysterious antagonist here. Wesker and Birkin are clearly just looking at computer monitors and just have a shoddy microphone at their disposal. So, unless Sorcerer Leechopolis here happened to have knowledge that Birkin and Wesker were sitting in this random basement security room, he has no idea who he is actually talking to.


Despite that, Wesker's expressionless gaze has a touch of concern.


Though, I really don't think this guy cares who he is talking to. His super power is turning annelids into old men. He's down there with Aquaman in the super power category.

Tune in next time for...ah fuck... I have to actually start playing the game again... It's probably going to be zombies and a spooky mansion. Maybe a file or two.

Bonus Content:

Certainly the most silliest dressed villain of the series. Well, maybe Ramon Salazar has him beat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WjYAv_JA8w /Backup