Part 31: Episode XVIII: Beneath the Sea
Episode XVIII: Beneath the Sea
When last we left our hero. He was about to get wet. Let's see what's happening with our wet hero...
"Why did I let Barry talk me into going commando? 'All loosey goosey' he says. Prick."
Oh, hey Ri-wait what?!
So the awkward guy in the orange shirt swam across that murky gap outside, phased through several doors, leapt across the ten foot water gap just outside, and just decided to chill out in waste deep water? No, I don't buy this.
Mr. Aiken, the Aperture Science Enrichment Center would like its Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device back. Cake will be served following its safe return.
"Hey..."
"W-w-what was that?!"
"Hey..."
"Do you hear that? "Oh, boy. Here we go again...""HEY!"
"Who's there?!""Someone..."
"Who isn't a box headed moron who couldn't even put on the right color shirt in the morning. Hint: it's supposed to be red. Orange? The only thing wear orange is cheese and The Thing and since your wiry ass doesn't look like it's made out of rock and I don't think you'd go good on a bagel, listen up."
"What do you want from me?!" "Shaddup. Now, I don't have long and this takes a lot of concentration."
"Sort of supposed to be stuck haunting A-Cup's flabby ass. But, I came here to give you a warning."
"What kind of warning?!" "Your teammate is in grave danger. Go! Run! He's gonna die! NOW!"
"Psyche!"
"Bwahahaha!"
"Bwahahaha! Oh... Oh man. I didn't that would... Bwahaha!"
"Oh man. That was hilarious. If I had hands and they'd be wiping away a tear right now. Bwahaha. That was worth the trip. See ya later, B-Movie."
"I'm trying to find some more words here...but I only knew the guy's name..." <shrug>
And so the S.T.A.R.S. death tally is knocked up a notch. Rich, we hardly new ya. Really... I think the token black guy had more of a character that you did. At least he was black.
Shame about that. The more pressing issue is fucking zombie sharks.
The self defense gun can be put to use downing one of the smaller ones.
It's less than effective on Megalodon's cousin.
Now, it's a bit far fetched that you'd find sharks in the middle of a mid-western wooded mountain. But, it's Umbrella and I can see them importing that shit here. What I cannot fathom is the need for zombie sharks.
Look at this fucking thing. This creature does not, in any way, need the 'undead' attribute under its belt. What is it going to do? Spread the virus to the hand it left behind because it fucking ate everything else in one chomp? The fruits of the T-Virus labor here seem to be, surprise, making a really big ass shark.
Now at least if James fucking Bond is trying to sneak into one of Umbrella's secret underwater bases, they've got that covered. Assuming they could control the sharks, which they cannot, and we assume the shark would not eat James Bond otherwise, which it would.
In what other instance will a shark be any remote use for a biological weapon? This isn't like the usual 'whoops, we had an accident' monster creations. Umbrella actually built a multi-million dollar underground "Aqua Ring" to culture shark bio weapons to sell to the highest bidder.
Which brings us back to James Bond. Since who in the fuck else but Bond Villains would be in the market for gigantic fucking zombie sharks? Even then, you know they're just going to be stuck into a pit while Bond and the secretary he's fucking that week is lowered slowly into said pit!
In summary, zombie sharks are fucking retarded, even for Umbrella standards. Thank you for your time.
Right, then. Thanks to Chris' OCD causing him to systematically drain and search every tub he comes across, he just happened to have the key to the control room which leads him to safety. Or, at least, the key to the storeroom above the control room. Details...
Down the ladder is the control room proper. It's bad enough you'd have to walk through a guy's bedroom, down a ladder, through a winding corridor, and half way across the observing area to get to the office in the morning. Being forced to climb down yet another ladder is just insulting. Plight of Umbrella employees aside, this room is boring. Moving on.
Can anyone tell me why we're still down here, anyhow? I mean... Sure, the zombie sharks are retarded. But...they're still fucking sharks. Any sane man would be half way back to the mansion by now.
Probably should have seen this one coming. A door is blocked by an obstacle. I think I hear a puzzle whispering on the wings of the wind.
Several unmarked consoles dot the control room. The one behind the ladder is for activating an emergency system in case of a leak. The one in front of it is the safety lock for said system. And the console to its right is for draining the water. We're probably gonna want to use that one.
I'm sure nothing will go wrong with this.
No sir. Sealed vault surrounded by water with undead sharks drifting about. No sir. No problems in sight.
"Candygram."
Yeah, no shit. Didn't know that. Thanks for the heads up.
No, it's known. It's a fucking gigantic shark. Excuse me, gigantic undead shark. Being back from the grave apparently augments its ability to ram into things with its face.
Well, at least the Umbrella safety protocol of locking everyone out of any possible means of escape, is still holding up.
...Well, heck. A timed button pressing puzzle. Just what we needed.
So, we can't throw on the emergency system until the safety is released. Done.
Pressure shelter activated.
Son of a bitch!
Chris runs around back for a randomized game of press the numbered switch. Upon completing that...
Another round of releasing the safety. Funny that the company has a safety control system on a device that would prevent the horrible deaths of those who might use it. Can never be too careful of those pesky survivors.
And after all that, Chris can finally relax now that the impending doom is over.
Now, about that water draining business. Anyone care to explain to me, assuming the Aqua Ring was just that glass cylinder in the center, how it possibly housed enough water to completely flood the room up to about twenty feet below the ceiling. The figures just aren't matching up.
The water drains...
"It did, really. Take my word on it."
Our reward for thwarting the dire threat of water is more hallways. This game just knows how to please the player.
Moving right along...
Might as well pay our buddies the sharks a visit. Maybe pull something productive out of this whole experience. Find Richard's zombie hand. Something like that.
Or something like this. Richard's shotgun!
Sure, he clearly wasn't wielding it when he became shark food, meaning he was actually retarded enough to drop a shotgun off a platform in waist deep water. But, this was a man who wore an orange shirt. I suppose this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise.
Further ahead, just past the big ass shark's corpse, is something shiny. Shiny thing in dimly lit environs which wouldn't possibly sparkle in the lighting? If there was ever a goal in a Resident Evil title, that would be it.
It sure was nice of them to make that random dip in the floor deep enough to barely support enough water for a...shark. Aww...
SHIT! This is why field trips to aquariums were lame.
So, there is a twenty foot shark which is basically stuck in place. The key has fallen into the water behind said shark. I guess Chris will have to crawl over the grating back around the beast and hope it doesn't roll over on him.
But, that would be for pussies. Resident Evil, for once, presents an alternative that is the both the usual stupid shit nobody would ever think to do in reality.
And at the same time, fucking metal.
It, of course, involves pushing a generator into the water and serving up a seafood delicacy.
The things you have to go through to get into an art gallery...
Tune in next time for bees, plants, and the killing of both!
Bonus Content:
Richard's Death Cutscene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_McjjdqHl8
Killing the Shark (Success):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvuImSuImOU
Killing the Shark (Failure):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKLjDUP7ziU