Part 33: Episode XXXIII: Claire Fell Into a Wormhole, Okay?

When last we left our hero, he was crawling through a man sized air vent. They've got a course for that in universities for students majoring in Action Hero, these days. With that said, let's get to it...

For the purpose of continuity, we are going to assume during Claire's journey down the really fucking long ladder...

She at some point tripped and fell into a wormhole...

And ended up in a ditch on the Jersey Turnpike. She finds herself stranded there until the end of the next two updates. Poor girl...

Officer Kennedy hasn't gotten the hang of this whole 'overly obvious alternate stealth route into the base' concept yet and crashes through a hole in the ceiling.

Seconds later, the previously overheated lift grinds back to life and continues its descent. This wasn't a great idea, was it?

Luckily, there is a normal elevator in the vicinity. Unluckily, it's out of juice, much like every single thing in this godforsaken town.

Taking the other way in the corridor lands Leon in a room with a lift and a giant crate with no purpose other than to be pushed.

Do they have developer's meetings where requests for more slow pushing of blocks, statues, and crates come up? Is there a separate division for cranking and valve turning? What about guys for elevator riding? There must be a whole fucking staff for elevator riding.

Leon checks out the upper area, only to find a locked main power room. No sense going there, unless for something climactic.

Heading back the opposite direction of the pushed block leads Leon right into the open arms of a dead researcher and his laboratory security fax he took to his grave...

LABORATORY SECURITY MANUAL

"We want as many security checkpoints and inane protocol as possible in the path of the escape route."

You've got to wonder what sort of parameters are need to be programmed into a computer to detect "giant fucked up blob of pissed off".

"Writing about it in journals, diaries, e-mails, faxes, letters, and post cards is deemed acceptable."

"Competence..."

Tucking away the file, Leon discovers another elevator, in hopes the wayward power for the...first elevator works... Why are these lifts on independent power sources?

The lower area leads to, what else, but open pools of molten steel in a smelting furnace. For science, you see... Though, hold on... We're above the sensitive lab areas, correct? So they put pools of essentially lava at the level above the purpose for the entire underground structure?

Further into the smelting area the console solely responsible for powering the lift to this level is found. Leon cranks it up and heads back.

Roomy. There is a normal elevator panel and a large elaborate computer screen one. Let's check the latter.

Guys, this elevator? It goes up and down between two places. As pictured.

As Leon is missing the MASTER KEY, he is forced to use the common man's controls. Is there really need for a display of levels when there's only two stops?

Exiting the elevator, Leon discovers a new horror: undead nudity. Long term exposure to the T-Virus results in shedding of one's fatigues. As well as one's manhood, it would seem.

The options to deal with such a sad sight are limited, at best. This being the most awesome humane.

Well, look where Mr. Scott Kennedy ended up. So, nobody had used the lift to make it to the power core and burning pools of molten metals in a very long time? Maintenance gigs for Umbrella Inc. must be smooth sailing. Chances of zombification, assassination, or immolation aside.

Let's check to see how Ada is fairing...

He didn't yell her name? He must be really holding back for a loud one.

Leon heads back out.

Looks like Claire was planning on ditching the kid. That's okay, Claire. We forgive you.

Since Claire was on top of things with the power business, Leon is free to skip ahead to the west side.

The pair of files from earlier are still around for Leon to check out. But that's not his scene. The P-Epsilon gas is also finished spraying, hence the lack of green color filter on the screen.

A Lab Card Key is the first of the officer's treasures. More importantly, in the nearby locker, he discovers...

The ultimate in lawn maintenance.

A good thing, as the Ivy creatures, thanks to Claire being a jerk and setting off the gas, have evolved into... Poison Ivy!

I got flank for mowing the lawn like this using an aerosol can and a lighter when I was a kid.

Leon proceeds into the next area and discovers the T(G?)-Virus' most impressive of feats. A ten story tall Vagina Plant.

Yes, forget the arms with eyes. The ultimate in Biological Organic Weapons is without a doubt, Snatch Weeds.

Mr. Kennedy continues his tour of the underground labs. With such scenic locales as waiting rooms...

Monitor rooms...

The set from Aliens. Huh?

I was unaware moths, left unchecked and grown to horrendous proportions, would produce beautiful décor with just a pinch of that fucked Giger-esque flavor.

I'd mention the Moth enemy, but there's only one and it's blown in half on the floor. So, who needs such frivolous details?

Nothing worse than mutant moth larva blogs.

Though, trolling them is always fun. Let's see what this computer has to offer.

Fun fact: The username was changed to "Nemesis" in the N64 port/half-assed attempted to patchwork continuity.

The workstation then demands a sample of Leon's thumbprint. Don't ask me how it hopes to accomplish that.

This actually needs to be done by both the A Scenario character and the B Scenario character to open up a special room we'll get to shortly. But, for narrative sake, we're skipping Claire's impute. As she's breathing exhaust on the Turnpike.

It might be time to pick a smaller font for your obvious entry signs when a single word needs to be broken awkwardly in half...

The semi-hidden weapons locker key (situated in the main laboratory, of course) finally comes to use.

Within lies even more ridiculous overkill weaponry. This puppy is a one hit kill on near any normal enemy. It can even ruin bosses' day in short order. Since, a full shotgun that can take out an entire mob of the undead in a single shot wasn't enough.

Exploring further into the lab and...what do you know? It's the joint from Annette's flashback.

Only minus toppled over coffee containers, bullet holes in the wall, and blood splatters from a gunned down scientist. Furthering my pet theory that Annette was full of shit about her Willie B origin story. Or that Capcom just fucking suck when it comes to continuity. Maybe both!

One final item of interest is a P. Room Key. Now Leon can use the Raccoon Tail to soar in the clouds to his heart's content.

Leon returns upstairs.

A quick detour, first. You may recall one shutter I skipped during the power outage fiasco with Ms. Redfield.

This opens up to the fingerprint scanner which requires both characters to use, I had mentioned. Leon gets the benefit of this somewhat odd and easily missed little room.

This single room gets its own unique creepy ass theme music. I'd try to find its name on the OST, but it's one of those soundtracks that are out of order and have the world's most vague ass track names.

Exhibit A: The G-Virus combined with the fecal matter of a portly gentleman.
Result: Oversized fecal matter of a portly gentleman with a big ass eye and tentacles growing out of it.

Exhibit B: What if I were to tell you this once contained the original Tyrant, T-001? Which was like Resident Evil 1's Tyrant, only with severe brain damage and Parkinson's? What if I were to tell you this Tyrant was wandering around the labs on the loose a good two months ago for no damn reason? What if I were to tell you it did battle with S.T.A.R.S. obnoxious rookie medic out where the elevator train is parked right now? Would you believe me?

Like I give a damn what you'd believe? I've got a goddamn machinegun! Too bad there's roughly six normal enemies this would be remotely useful against in the entirety of this scenario...

Leon packs up his new toys and heads back down to the boiling lava/power grid level.

You know, I've got to think having a bullet in your shoulder and wielding sub-machine guns, huge shotguns, and over the top magnums has got to hurt a pinch.

"Sure, now fucking shoot a warning shot."

Tune in next time for not-so shocking revelations, contrived drama, sappy dialogue, and name screaming in Episode XXXIV: ADAAAAAAAAA!