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Episode XXXII: Salazar Has Too Much Time on His Hands

Welcome back. When last we left our hero…he was riding yet another elevator into yet another chapter section. Chapter 4 is just not delivering on the climatic end to its stages… *shakes head in disappointment*

That said, let’s begin…

They had Coldplay playing on the ride up…

Wandering down the newest corridor we find…




“Jesus fuck… I am not looking at a giant Ramon Salazar statue…”

Leon silently passes on, never to speak of this again…

Admissions in this theme park are strict.

Pardon me, a giant mechanical Ramon Salazar statue.

Come on, Leon. That water isn’t even knee deep. And it’s a four foot gap between the ground and the surface. You jumped off the top of a tower with no problem, but puss out if it means your boots are going to get wet?

A bunch of goofball antics of hopping on mechanical midget statue hands, flipping switches, shotgunning Zealots, and yanking levers ensues.

This is what they make you go through to get to the Epcot Center too.

Just when Leon thinks it can’t get any goofier…

…he is proven gravely wrong.

“Join the Secret Service, they said! See places, protect the leader of the free world, they said!”

“They never tell you midgets with giant fucking walking clockwork statues would be chasing me around…”

“Just had to drop out of college. Just had to have a job where you shoot things. Just like in the movies, right Leon?”

“I could have been a doctor, a lawyer, a blogger. Stupid Leon… Stupid!”

Ramon is definitely compensating for something here…

Taking it to the next level!


Sadly, the multi-million dollar stone Salazar bot was only programmed to give chase to someone for 100 yards before plummeting off a chasm. These guys…

Leon makes the leap of faith as Ramonbot crashes into the icy depths.

“That did not just fucking happen to me…”

Not to speak of this again, Leon silently enters to tower.

Inside said phallic structure

Ramon Salazar, never one to miss out on the opportunity to be standing silently in a foyer for hours on end in hopes of taunting our hero.

“What the fuck were you thinking with that just then? Serious, I fought a giant blob with a teethed vagina for a mouth on the back of a speeding train in an exploding secret underground laboratory during a zombie outbreak and it wasn’t a tenth as out of line with what I just went through…”

Laser nipples?

Retarded? Guys, she’s converted to the faith long ago.

Bastard! Why do you hate America so?

Salazar prepares to go into a five minute exchange about the geo-political climate and compare it to Leon and Salazar’s situation here…

Here it comes…

Leon knows he’s got nothing in the way of comebacks…except one ace in the hole…

I’ve got to hand it to ya, Leon. You suck as at verbal exchanges, but that was an like none other…

Verdugo #2 is still sore about Todd’s death. Now he’s stuck along all day with Salazar rambling on, ordering new traps, and crying when he drops his drinks.

The blood makes it more aerodynamic.


Meanwhile, Salazar runs into the elevator behind him whimpering and tearing up.

“Dang… I was aiming for the big threatening guy…”

Will Leon catch up with the crybaby midget? What obstacles await him in this tower of terror? What exactly does that ritual everyone has been mumbling about entail? Tune in next time to find out in Episode XXXIII: You Don’t Belong in This World!

Bonus Content

The Zaniest Chase Scene Ever:

Ramon Gets Served:

Leon Gets Served:

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