Introduction
I know what you're thinking. You've probably seen bad games get a proper flogging around here. Hell, maybe you've taken some shitheaps to task yourself. But the question always remains when faced with a potential waste of bytes: Is it really that bad?Well, you can leave that question at the door, friend. Along with your reason and your grip on reality.
Let's play a game so bad that it sits in the all-time bottom 20 on Metacritic. Let's play a game that was so bad it was pulled from Steam. Oh, no, wait, I mean so bad that is was pulled from ALL distribution EVERYWHERE.
Welcome to hell. Comrade.
Stalin vs. Martians is the legendarily shitty real-time strategy game spawned from a triumvirate of developers Black Wing Foundation, Dreamlore, and N-Game. Don't feel bad if you've never heard of them...apparently, they don't rate their own Wikipedia pages. It was released on April 29th, 2009, and remained available nearly a whole three months before being pulled from the public for reasons we'll wildly speculate on later.
No context asked, none given.
Steam tells me I bought this back in May of 2009, along with Defense Grid, for $12.99. I'm not going to dig any further or hazard a guess at how much I actually paid for this thing, lest I start screaming at light fixtures. I can only assume I bought it thinking "It can't be THAT bad," and was then unable to test my theory, as my PC at the time refused to run it.
I now know that PC was smarter than me.
This will be a screenshot LP, hopefully covering the entirety of the game's campaign. I say hopefully because I've already attempted Mission 2, and I'm left unsure that the game plays fair the whole way through, or at all, really. I plan on updating every other day, and will keep the bottom of this post updated with my projected update times.
Right then. Are you ready to defend the fatherland?
I doubt it.
Updates
- MISSION 1: (Dis)Orientation
- MISSION 2: Learning Curves Are For The Weak
- MISSION 2 REDUX: My New Technique Is Unstoppable
- MISSION 3: Vacationing In Siberia
- MISSION 4: Failing Upwards
- MISSION 5: Bio-terrorism And You
- MISSION 6: Fuck It, Kill Everything
- MISSION 7: Death Is Its Own Reward
- MISSION 8: Intelligent Life Not Found
- MISSION 9: Walls Do Not Work That Way
- MISSION 10: Brave New World Of Pain
- MISSION 11: Snatching Victory from the Jaws of Stupid
- MISSION 12: The Age-Old Question
- Closing Thoughts
Bonus Videos
The Let's Drunk Adventures of Paingod556| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 1: Sound design you plebs! | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 2: You did not just boop | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 3: Is that a codename for Stalins bitches? | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 4: I can't words anymore | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 5: You wanna go to Sydney?! | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 6: Wait, can you really be pro at this game? | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 7: I'm sorry for biting your arm | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 8: He RUINED the Soviet Union! | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 9: I know how to count, man! | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 10: Hey, you're not hating life anymore | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 11A: We are all Ivan, WE ALL LIKE YOU! / This isn't even trolling at this point | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 11B: We are all Ivan, WE ALL LIKE YOU! / This isn't even trolling at this point | Youtube |
| Let's Drunk 'Stalin vs. Martians' Part 12: I've seen enough hentai to see where this is going... | Youtube |