Part 40: The Last of All SidequestsThe Last of All Sidequests
Welcome back! Last time on ATOM RPG, we learned that the main quest was completely pointless and made up by our frenemy conspiracy the Mushroom Cult. We also were asked if we should support the "loyalist" ATOM fighters in their quest to cleanse Krasnoznamenny of corruption by installing a brutal military dictatorship.
The thread voted to flip a coin and I can't blame them, so by the whims of fate we are opposing this dastardly... who am I kidding, everyone in ATOM is terrible and they all deserve each other.
: Give the locals the chance to develop. They're doing quite well, you know.
The first time I played I really did think they were Nazis with the homophobia and the Night of the Long Knives, but who the hell knows?
: What do you care? People live their lives. And doing quite well actually.
Also how the fuck did the guard at the gate ask them for bribes when he had a tragic smoking related death completely unrelated to the Cossack Swordsman giving him 5 packs of smokes?
This coup of highly trained ATOM fighters with actual squad level machineguns, assault rifles, and... one guy with a machete for some reason decides that even though they now currently outnumber the militia and the Krasnoznammeny bunker is guarded by one cuckolded man that they're just going to go home.
I guess I can be charitable and assume they're scared of the dreaded Cossack Steel?
: I think there might be some cult followers left in the building. Will you help me with them?
So, yeah. Xander77 asked the developers about this and their reply was that we should pay attention to these guys not caring about the Mushroom Cult.
None of this makes sense, because if their official goal is to take over the city why would they stop because we told them to?
: Okay. Suit yourself.
They all just wander off into the desert for forty days and nights. Look, I don't understand why this game makes the decisions it does, ok?
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:
: Hey, it's your old friends from ATOM! They're outside the mushroom cult, and they're clearly uneasy about fighting you, a legendary Cossack Swordsman!
: Hey, Bear Bearovitch! Fidel! Alexander! Is that you? The bosses sent us!
: The Mushroom Cult bosses or our real bosses?
: The real bosses! See, we had a Night of the Long Knives in a totally non-Nazi way. It turned out the Mushroom Cult guys were broadcasting a list of traitors on an unsecured frequency, and a bunch of the bosses were in on it too! Like 15% of ATOM! Turns out they were sending people on 1 man missions to wander the wasteland and then get brainwashed by the Mushroom Cult!
: Dios mio! The main quest has been a complete and utter fucking waste of time!
: Anyway I guess all the Mushroom Cult guys just went out, but we were thinking, you know, we have a lot of guns and could just take over the city. What do you think?
: That would be very bad.
: My child, that is a revolution and I will clap like a fucking seal like a true communist!
: Eh, nah.
: But this place sucks! Somehow the dead guy at the gate shook us all down for money despite his rotted lungs, everyone is corrupt, they have an official Crime Shack on the boat, and there's a MAN PROSTITUTE! That's, like, super gay!
: Hide Horny Hussars... Hide Horny Hussars... So what? Leave people alone.
: Well fine you little bitch we're just gonna leave despite being ready to march on the government, but we'll be back with official permission!
: So I think all the cultists are still there, are you gonna help?
We're gonna go to death tunnel.
It turns out the poison area is a complete waste of time with crappy boring rat fights and the usual pointless loot.
What we're interested in is behind these Morlocks
So, what's hidden in the Tunnel of Death?
An actual, no shit nuclear missile launch controller. With a functioning warhead.
This should really make us kings of the Wasteland, as the last remaining nuclear power. What do you actually do with it?
First, we need to cheat our way up to 100+ technology.
Now we can nuke... Bethesda! Man, aren't you glad this game squanders any kind of interesting premise for shitty references! That'll show that poopy Todd Howard for making games people actually like!
Fidel is mildly perturbed and we get 1110 XP. It's totally not worth it. Reload!
We find this letter on a guy who refused to launch the missiles. Whatever! Look, fighting for control of the last nukes in the Wasteland would be a lot more interesting that whatever the hell we're doing, and I cannot imagine that none of the conspiracy idiots want to get their hands on them. Hell, the Mushroom Cult even sent us here!
Whatever! Time for the REAL last sidequest of the game!
Remember him? A long time ago he gave us a quest to defeat 3 evil gangs of bad murderer people who were going to destroy everything for, uh, reasons.
This guy is our super secret contact we need to talk to about the Death Gang.
: I just came to make your acquaintance. Don't fret.
: [The man calms down and nods]
: Teacher, huh? Hmmm... The moon hides behind a cloud...
: [As the words leave your lips, the man becomes tense and serious all of a sudden. He whispers back to you:]
: Don't fret. The former head of the Death Gang looks worst than death itself. I came here in his stead.
Blah blah blah... look, I'll cut this short. He tells us about 3 groups of Death Gangers, led by Lena, Igor, and Dima Death. We don't care about the first two, but the last guy gives us the one actual meaningful decision the game allows us to make.
To trigger it you have to wander around to the indicated areas and trigger various Death Gang encounters. Lena here doesn't do what we want to do, so...
Yea Lena's super hot but also murderously crazy blah blah. We don't have the skills to leave peacefully and she doesn't - to my knowledge - let us do what we want to do, and no that's not rack up a sexual partner count.
Party wastes her in one turn, she's not interesting, at least there's loot we literally do not care about.
THIS is the guy we care about.
: [The lower part of his face, visible under the heavy steel helmet, is covered in burns. There's a can of gasoline hanging from his belt. He starts talking to you, without letting go on a thick cigarette, that burns in the corner of his mouth. You sense terrible hatred for all life, in his raspy voice...]
: I love the smell of napalm in the morning...
: [The Red Death looks at you with new found attention. You hear a click of an old fashioned cigarette lighter, and then the fire proof glove on one of the Gang Leader's[sic] hands sets ablaze..!]
You need like 10 Endurance here, and if you fuck it up you get hit with 10 screens of narration about him lighting an axe on fire and screaming. I most certainly didn't fuck up a few times, but you need to use condensed milk to raise Endurance. If you do...
: [Endurance] I laugh in the eyes of fear! [Shake the burning hand]
: [A terrible pain goes through your body. But you somehow manage to withstand the torture... Red Death lets your hand go. His burned face contorts in a sickly, yellow-toothed grin]
: Yes, I want to join the Death Gang.
: Everywhere, from Krasnoznamenny to Peregon, in every village and every town, people will shoot you on sight. All friendships you had, all deals you made, everything will become ash... if you venture forth as one of us...
Decisions Lie Before Us!
Are We Joining The Death Gang?
Dima is not kidding here. All quests will fail (although we will just be rushing the Cult Bunker to end the game), Fidel and Hexogen will leave the party forever, and entering a city causes a battle. On the plus side, we get a secret party member.