The Let's Play Archive

Advance Wars

by cosmicPostman

Part 2: Quest For The Ultimate Disrespect

PART 3 - Quest For The Ultimate Disrespect

Welcome back! Today, we do joining and stuff. Only a short update today because I'm a little strapped for time, so let's get going ASAP!

Man, if they did bone, Nell certainly regretted it the day after.

I bet he never called her back.

Welp, that sucks.

oh goddammit

So they couldn't find... the LOST Fortress?

I'm sorry. Go on.

I'm actually not sorry, that was hilarious.

Right! Here we go!

This should be interesting.

Ooh, do I get tanks? I see tanks.


God, that means he might put actual effort in today. Right, I'll need to be on top of my game.

So I would've had more tanks but they all died? Well shit.

The assorted groups arrive at the Lost Fortress Outpost HQ. Dave 4 points in the distance, and the other Daves, Barolds, Colins and Steves look to where he's pointing.

"Hey!" yells a guy. He's piloting a tank, and all around him is the wreckage of other tanks. "You're the cavalry, right?"

"That's us." Dave says. He glowers at the dead men all around. "What happened here?"

"I'm Bill." the guy replies. "Formerly one of the Bills in the Bill Battalion, but..."

He looks wistfully at the wreckage and lets out a sigh. One of the Colins tilts his head awkwardly. "...Blue Moon isn't holding back, huh. This is... a real battle."

"We're trained soldiers, Colin." a Barold replies. "There's no time to mourn."

Yeah, sounding a retreat seems like a good option.


As we discovered in the other part, you heal when you're on an allied city/base.

So, uh, let's do that thing.

It's just as right as you and me being together.

Was... was that better?

yes we know

We can't move it to a safe place, but next turn it'll be in range of both cities, so it can heal up.


Shit. We need a meatshield.



I meant defensive wall

Definitely not meatshield

Reginald, leader of the Reginald Regiment, steps forward. "I offer myself and my men as a defensive wall. By the blood in my body, they shall not get past us! For Motherland Orange Star!"

"For the Motherland!" call his men.

"He seems to be fucking suicidal, anyway"

The Reginald Regiment move in.

Yes, Nell, I know the basics of strategy.

"We'll hold for as many turns as you need!" yells Reginald. "For Motherland Orange Star!"

...I'm sorry, Nell, is that all these men are to you? Units whose lives are equivalent to a number of days?

Absolutely disgusting.

Right, yes, let's get everyone forward. This is going to be tough.

I move Steve, Barold, Colin, Dave and Gareth forward. The Bill Battalion is healing on the city, and the Eric There-Are-No-Fucking-Words-Meaning-“Brigade”-Beginning-With-E is safe from assault for this turn.

Oh god here he comes.

Hey, he's actually recognising us as a credible threat! That's good.

Admittedly, I will not prove that I deserve to be called a credible threat in this map. Spoilers: I am the world's worst strategist.

"Hey, fuck you man" says Bill.

Reginald Regiment, prepare your collective anuses.

Ouch. You know, mechs are not great meatshields, I've decided. 6 fucking damage.

The rest of Team Dipshit move forward, being vaguely threatening.

Yeah, this would be a lot better if we had a working tank already.

we'll have to what

I'm sorry, Bill, I have no idea what I'm about to do to you

The Bill Battalion and the Eric There-Are-No-Fucking-Words-Meaning-“Brigade”-Beginning-With-E have been merged! The Bill + Eric Battalion has been born.

"Bill, do we have to be sharing the same tank?"

"Leave me alone, Eric, I need this right now."

"please stop touching me"

That is kind of an issue, Nell. I had two tanks before.

Well, I guess that's true. I suppose it's a nice quick way to get a stronger unit.

Spoilers: I will find it necessary.

Because that went so well last time? At least give me some advice.

Nell's right. No point capturing the HQ - we have the firepower to just take out his units, but we have to make sure we do it safely. I have a plan for this map. The infantry and mechs can cross the water, so I'll head them off with my own infantry and mechs - they'll prioritise targeting those over my tank, which is good. One tank vs two is not going to be fun, so I have to weaken the tanks with my own mechs first, I think.

First things first, get Reginald out of there. We need to replace him with a fresh meats- defensive wall.

I briefly consider firing on the tank, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. It'll weaken it a bit, but it'll probably do enough counter damage to kill me on the enemy phase. Best to play it safe here, I think.

Meanwhile, this asshole is close enough to fire on the Dave Division up north. We need to distract him from doing that.

The Steve Squadron goes to help Barold intercept. It brings back old memories of the first ever mission for the pair of them.

And this is how we look at the end of this turn. Let's hope things don't go too horribly wrong.

Well, this is a good start. They go for the cities instead of my dude's dudes.

The tank also doesn't hit as hard. It's taking some serious retaliation damage now! Well, serious for tanks, anyway.

Things aren't looking great, but...

The Bill/Eric Battalion is ready to roll.


Steve declares open season on Team Dipshit.

And just like old times, Barold finishes.

It is a good day down south.

Further up, my damaged Gareth Group can't do anything worthwhile against this tank.

It's time to join! I merge Gareth and Reginald to make the, uh, Gareth/Reginald Group.


"I hate you all already. Please kill me." sighs Gareth. "Craig, why did you have to leave me with all these idiots..?"

Bill/Eric move out. If I can take out that first tank without using Bill/Eric, that means I can have them go toe-to-toe with the other tank. 2 vs 1 is a little rough, but 1 on 1 should work out fine for me.

Oh yeah, these guys did their thing. I don't know how it's going to help them, but they seem happy.

This is going well! I can hold out for a while now - that weakened tank isn't doing much to my mechs anymore.

Now it's my turn, and I can take out this tank.

I made a grievous tactical error! Can anyone see what it is?

Briefly, I consider moving Bill/Eric in, but I elect not to. I want to lure the tank forward so I can engage it on forest terrain, which has a bit of a defensive buff.

In lieu of something to do, Squadron Steve heads to the city to heal that bit of damage.

Yep, I see no grievous tactical errors here.

None at a-

Oh, for a minute I thought something terrible was going to happen. It's just city capturing.

Alright, the tank took the bait. That's goo-


The last man standing, Reginald, turns to Gareth's bloody body and collapses beside him. He stares at the treads of the tanks, where a sorrowful-looking Blue Moon driver is sat looking at him. He's barely older than fifteen, and he looks shaken by what he has done.

Reginald crawls forward, reaching for his heavy artillery, but it's out of reach and too heavy to move. The sun is so hot overhead...

"F... for... for the motherland..." he groans. "I die having... done... my service..."

He collapses, face down in the mud. Gareth begins to drag himself away, the only survivor of the brutal attack.

"NO!" Dave yells, his voice cracking with emotion. Colin and Barold are also shocked by what they have seen. "NOT ANOTHER! Why do good men have to die? Why did this have to happen? TELL ME WHY!"

I have no answer for the Dave Division.

The battlefield is quiet, but not for long.

Bill and Eric have something to say to this fucking tank asshole.

And what they said was "bullets".

I should probably start picking off these non-tank dudes as well, before they become a problem.

That also goes well.

No, Dave, don't be silly. You can't do squat against a tank.

Dave sulkily retreats. He wants revenge, and he wants it now.

The tank, however, also wants revenge.

It was a mistake.

"It's time." a Dave says.

"Commander Dave?" asks another Dave in confusion. His commander begins to walk towards the tank. "Commander! No!"

Dave turns to his Division.

"You can't do this." one of the Daves says. "It's suicide. And for what? Don't you remember what Craigsworth asked us to do? Hahah, Craigsworth, that never gets old..."

"Oh, I remember." Dave says. "He said to get revenge. So here we go."

Time to prepare the Ultimate Disrespect.



The rest of this map is basically just cleanup.

I have no mercy for these guys.


This guy is no trouble.

One left.

And he approaches!

He gets foregone-conclusion’d.

Thank god for that. That could have been handled better in the second half, honestly.

...Thanks, Nell.

"I especially liked the part where a ton of your men got massacred by a tank."


Well, yeah, it's definitely not down to my tactical decision-making.

I thought that's what THIS time was supposed to be?

Consider them marked, Military Santa. Next time - this ends.

I still love that name. It's great.

Next time, some more shit happens. Looks like we get some new toys, or at the very least, some new commands to play with.

Thanks to SoundwaveAU for suggesting Reginald (I am so sorry), OOrochi for suggesting Bill and Paul.Power for suggesting Eric! Those who suggested names that haven't shown up, don't worry, they're coming. Keep the names coming!

Also, in the name of giving these faceless soldiers some personality, I'm going to end each part with a Fire Emblem-esque support conversation between two dudes in the ranks. As well as suggesting names, feel free to vote on which two dudes you want to see have a conversation next!


The Barracks: Steve and Barold 1

“Hey, man.” Steve says, seeing Barold sat eating at a table in the barracks. He glances up as Steve comes to sit by him.


“You alright?” Steve asks. “You didn’t look good after the battle today.”

Barold sighs.

“I’m not sure, Steve. We lost some good men today. And it keeps happening. That My dude guy… I’m not sure about him.”

“He seems wet behind the ears. If I was a more cynical man, I’d say that he’s still in training. There’s no way he’s a professional Orange Star strategist.”

“Yeah.” Barold replies. “Steve, do you think we’re going to die?”

“Barold…” Steve murmurs, but he cannot meet Barold’s gaze. “I…”

“Oh, god. I had so much to do. I only joined the army because it made my mam proud. She bought my uniform. And when I told her I got to lead my own Brigade, she… she was so proud. She told the whole family.”

“Stop talking like that.” Steve says, putting his hand on Barold’s. “We’re not dead yet, Barold, and I promise, whilst I live, I will not allow you to die. You’re gonna go home after the war, and you’re gonna see your mam again. OK?”

Barold stares at Steve, seeing the fierce determination in his eyes. “…OK.”

Steve nods, taking a sandwich from the platter on the table, and stands up to leave.

“Hey.” Barold says. “I think we’ve known each other for long enough. Please call me Barry.”

Steve smiles. “Alright, Barry. See you later, yeah? Come join us for poker.”

“Sounds good.” Barold replies.

Steve walks away, his mouth twisted into a wry grin. He has a mission now, and he intends to see it through.