Part 5: A Tank Fights Michael
PART 6 - A Tank Fights MichaelWelcome back! Last time, we successfully didn't let anyone die.
Did somebody say DEATH FROM ABOVE?
Oh god, the bad news begins again.
Big problem. I mean, we don't have any production at all. We're just using the same units we were given ages ago.
Bro Copters and 'Tude Copters, you say? I am very down with this.
Of course! I mean, I'm assuming flying units are gonna be the good old huge-movement-and-ignore-terrain type, and I am happy to have some of those. Here we go!
Alright, here we go!
Dave stops the rest of the group as the cutting sound of helicopters is heard. Two helicopters land - one of them small, but armed to the teeth, and one of them is large and imposing, with huge doors. Two men exit the copters.
"Hey. The name's Larry. You got any cheesy toast, friend?"
"Uh, no?" Colin says.
"I could start making some." suggests a Colin. "And who's this guy?"
"Yo!" the other guy says. "Bernard's the name. I'm not all that great on, like, remembering names or doing much, but hey, I'm down for a fun adventure."
"We're... we're going to war." says a Dave. "You realise that, right?"
Bernard shrugs. "Eh. I'm not gonna be the one doing the fighting."
The Gareths and the Daves exchange looks and sigh at one another.
Michael, meanwhile, is glowing. "Pacifist friends?"
"Mm?" Bernard says. "Nah, I'm no pacifist. Just can't be fucked."
Alright, here we go!
I...
No
He isn't, Nell.
I think that's just because he's a tutorial villain, if I'm being entirely honest. It is irritating though.
To be fair, with his face, he is easy to underestimate.
"I think the proper collective noun is a 'fuckload of tanks'."
Lady, reckless is my middle name.
Retreat!
oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Here we go.
"I can handle it. Medium tanks? FUCK medium tanks." Steve mutters.
"No, Steve. You promised nothing reckless." Barold says. "Steve."
"Fine." Steve sighs.
Ah, yes.
Yeah, I remember APCs. It was, uh... Micky? Mitch? Michael! That was it.
I remembered my APC buddy. Totally definitely remembered.
I figured. That sounds immensely helpful for infantry and mechs. I guess their low movement can be balanced out with these guys!
The Bernard Batch is useful, but also useless.
Steve prepares to go for a ride!
Oh, look at that. Perfect!
I... yes. They fly.
Basically pegasus knights from Fire Emblem.
Alright, Steve, here we go!
Because only a cruel and vindictive leader would dump their own troops in the briny deep?
That's a more tactful way of putting it.
Ah, I see. No sticking them onto terrain they can't move off and leaving them there forever then.
Uh. Not that I was thinking about doing that.
Barold needs a time out.
Gonna guess the usual - mountains, forests, plains, not-ocean.
oh my god nell it's mission 7, assume I know what I'm doing
Alright, Alfred Armada. Here we go - prove your worth!
I think Nell has short-term memory loss. She mentioned this literally minutes ago with the transport copter. I know what flying is.
Oh my god, they ARE Fire Emblem pegasus knights! That's problematic though - do they get healing from bases, still?
thank you nell
That either means 'fucking amazing' or 'absolutely worthless'.
This poor/lucky tank is gonna get destroyed/mildly inconvenienced. We've yet to see.
Fucking hell, Nell, control your blood rage. One exclamation mark will do fine, jeez.
Alf does a fly.
Ooh! That's pretty solid damage, nothing too impressive though.
Oh, wow. That's the more impressive thing here - at the end of combat, the Alf Armada took no damage whatsoever. Looks like aerial assaults can be useful!
They're strong, and they don't take damage. That's the two things I like most about units in this game.
Not a patch on Wilbert though. Although their movement is definitely a plus.
What do you mean, 'even'? We just fought a tank.
Looks like I was right when I said Bro Copters earlier; they're the chads of the aerial world.
Please don't be bad news. Come on. We've been doing well this update.
I mean, it's so patently fucking obvious that I'm not sure I can even list it as 'news'.
I guess there's no distinction between different types of ground units.
"Remember fuel? Yeah, that's a thing again."
Except it's not really.
Yeah, that's fair. As an aside, I find it interesting how Advance Wars is way less number-specific than Fire Emblem. It can make battles tough, since I never know exactly how much damage someone's gonna take, but fuel and ammo isn't that much of an issue from what I've seen so far. APCs solve the problem pretty handily.
Also, thanks to Paul.Power for sending me the game's manual! I found this in it, and it has been super useful.
A is huge damage, basically a one-shot, and E is tiny damage, either 1 or nothing at all. This is a godsend, and I wish this info was available in the game itself.
Right, yes, back to the map at hand.
Yup! Heavy fuel use, but shitloads of movement and attack power. Pretty solid units all round.
You know, in the past I would've said "because THAT'LL end well", but to be honest, now I have several battles under my belt...
...Yeah I'm still gonna cock this up.
Oh, no, don't say that. I'm gonna fail you, Nell.
Right, let's talk strategy. Steve and Bernard are already at the HQ, which means all I need to do is survive two turns. I can guarantee that all of Olaf's units are gonna charge me, and those medium tanks look terrifying. I'll have everyone back up and prepare to deal with the onslaught. It'll take them two turns to get over here, so the last turn is gonna be clutch.
I move everyone in this kinda way. I'm a little worried about Alfred, but I don't think the tank will do that much damage, even on the player phase.
It's everyone's favourite jolly warmonger.
I'm mad about that as well. Give me my death-on-wheels already!
Well, that basically confirms that they're gonna charge. Here we go.
This enemy tank goes for Bill/Eric, which is kind of annoying.
Not too worrying, just a mild annoyance. Now for the tank to try and scratch Alf.
OR JUST GO FOR SOMEONE ELSE, THAT'S COOL TOO.
Challenging Gareth was a mistake.
OK, my turn. The Steve Squadron knows what they must do.
Whoa-oh, we're halfway there...
Whoa, SHIT, get your ass back there!
Take my gun, shoot him, I swear...
Whoa, oh, that tank's no longer theeeeere!
Last enemy phase. Michael's acting as distraction for this turn - we shall see how that goes.
And he tanks the tank like a boss. We're done here, folks!
oh godammit
"Shit!" yells Michael, falling into the exploding wreckage of his machine. "I didn't want it to end like this. It can't! Was this all I could do?"
"Michael!" Dave shouts. "No, Michael, fall back!"
The APC explodes violently, and everyone watches in horror as the flaming wreckage crumbles to dust.
So, now it's my turn.
I could capture the enemy HQ and win.
But Wilbert has other ideas.
FUCK YOU.
OK, now we beat the map. Wilbert needs to work out his aggression in healthier ways.
I...
Nell.
Be consistent. For the love of God.
help nell is drowning me in run-on text boxes
aaaaaargh
Whew. There we go.
Will do! Hopefully. At least nobody died this time.
Oh, whoops.
At least nobody important died this time.
"Why the fuck did my tank shoot the unarmed APC?"
Either they had a really bad breakup, or they had some wild nights.
I mean, I probably would've done the same had it not been tutorialised to me. I'm not gonna fight my way through a fuckload of tanks.
You say that every time.
I did win! Well done me.
Sorry for the shorter update, folks, but it's been a busy time. Next time, we do a longer mission and more exciting combat happens. We may or may not get medium tanks.
***
The Barracks: Alfred and Eric 1
“Check.”
Eric sighs, and stares at the board. Alfred is running rings around him in this match.
“You’re way to good at this, Alfred.” he mutters, moving his king to safety. Alfred smirks.
“I’ve said already, just call me Alf.” Alfred replies. “Besides, being a pilot is pretty tough, especially when you’re taking part in aerial combat on top of that. I have to keep my mind sharp.”
“Is playing with me really keeping your mind sharp? You destroy me every time.” Eric grumbles. He watches as Alfred observes the board carefully, then moves his rook to take Eric’s queen.
“Hey, practise is practise.” Alfred says. “You alright? You’ve been tense recently. You keep snapping at Bill.”
“Oh, that.” Eric says. He fiddles with a pawn that was taken in the early game, rolling it between his fingers. “Well, did you hear how we got paired up a couple of missions back?”
“Mm.”
“Yeah. We haven’t been getting on.” Eric replies. “We’re now rooming together during the campaign, and my god, he’s annoying. He’s so clean and precise, and he always complains at the state of our room.”
“Ah, I see. I could talk to him about it, if you want?” Alfred suggests.
“…If you think it’ll help.” Eric says.
“I was a tank driver before I was a pilot.” Alfred replies. “I think it’ll be fine.”
Eric nods. “Thank you.”
“Also, checkmate.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake."