Part 7: Meet MulliganPART 8 - Meet Mulligan
Welcome back! Last time, we sucked at Advance Wars.
Through the magic of 'yielding', however, we will be giving it another go.
of nell's bullshit
Hey, look, it's this map again. Isn't that neat.
So, I didn't get a chance to introduce our lads before.
"Heya." says a confident guy wearing shades and throwing up a peace sign as he watches the missiles slam into the gigantic bomber, sending it crashing to the ground. "The name's Mulligan, and we're the Mulligan Missileers. Pleasure to make your acquaintances."
"I'm... 90% sure that 'missileers' isn't a real word." Bill mutters.
"I'll check the dictionary." Colin says. "...Well, I never. It is a real word."
"Eh, whatever." Bill replies. "Welcome to the team, Mulligan."
"Don't forget us!" shouts an excitable lad. For someone in control of his own unit, he's incredibly young-looking. "Hey! I'm Fred, of the Fred Fusiliers. We're here to slay the unrighteous with a rain of rockets!"
"Yes! Purge them all!" screeches Carl, pleased to find a friend with a similar level of bloodlust.
"For fuck's sake." Dave says. "Look, just shoot the things we tell you to and for god's sake, don't try anything dumb."
"Look who's talking. Didn't you fight a tank one-on-one a couple of missions back?" Steve says.
"I won, didn't I?" Dave shoots back. "Come on, let's get on with it."
And with that, the map can begin proper.
You know, I'm really not fond of this map's opening. Because you're forced to test out the missiles and rockets, you're pretty much guaranteed to lose a unit to that second bomber. If I didn't have to use the missiles or rockets, I would have retreated on this first turn, leaving Michael and Carl to bait the Bro Copters down below, then taking out the bomber on the next turn, safely out of its range.
As it happens, I can't do that.
So here we are.
My first idea wasn't so bad, though, so I do actually move Carl down to bait the Bro Copters.
I have to protect Mulligan and Fred, so Steve moves up to do his duty.
Instead of moving the tank squad up like last time, I decide I need all the firepower I can get down below, so the Tina Team and co. go down to back Carl up.
But that bomber is in a lot of units' range now, and it one-shots virtually my entire army.
So, uh, here we go.
He has chosen Colin.
"Gah!" Colin yells as bombs rain down around him.
"No, no!" Dave yells. "Not you too! Don't do this, Colin, we're not finished ye-"
"It's over..." Colin whispers, clutching his stomach as he feels darkness overtake him. "It's... all over... for the Colin... Corps..."
"Colin! COLIN!" Wilbert yells, and everyone is surprised to see genuine emotion in his face. "I never... I..."
"Don't worry, Wilbert." Colin smiles, coughing up blood.
"I never came to talk to you. Like you told me to." Wilbert gasps. "You're the fucking dad of this group, Colin, you can't-"
His words fall on deaf ears; Colin has passed on.
"TRY AND FUCKING TAKE ME!" yells Alfred. "We just lost a good man - do you really think that means we're gonna bend over and ask for it gentle?!"
"Hell no." Tina says. "If anything, this is only gonna make us fight twice as hard. For Colin!"
"FOR COLIN!" yell the army as one.
Well, that sure was an enemy phase.
Now then, I have a few things I need to repay Olaf for.
Mulligan decides to open proceedings by fucking decimating the asshole bomber who killed Colin.
This is me, remembering that rockets can't fire on copters.
I destroy the tank we damaged earlier - I've got plans.
Despite all his tough talk, Alfred is really badly hurt, so I get him the hell out of there. Now I've got two Bro Copters and only one (slightly psychopathic) anti-air; how am I gonna do this?
Well, firstly, by murdering one of them.
"What a delightful blood." says Carl, smiling placidly at the flaming helicopters crash-landing in the ocean.
Dave, furious at having another death despite his best efforts, is taking the fight straight to Olaf.
"Head for the HQ."
"But there's a medium tank, my guy." Bernard says to the stone-faced soldier group. "Probably best if we-"
"Head for the HQ." Dave repeats. "Don't make me ask a third time."
Meanwhile, I realised how best to solve my problem: the good ol' Michael APC distraction!
Thanks to Paul.Power for this beautiful summary of Michael's existence.
This made me laugh a little. Not only did he take the bait, but he also moved so that he's literally right next to the anti-air! It's like he wants to die.
Michael took damage I guess
And now, most of my problems are over.
He said, forgetting about the medium tank barrelling towards him from the top left of the map.
Oh wow, yeah, that was closer than I was expecting. Somebody bait it!
Wait, shit, Hardest Counter Alfred is still injured. Dammit.
Meanwhile, I shoot rockets at the medium tank on the island. I have a plan.
Tina's probably my best bet for tanking this, uh, tank.
Alfred goes for my HQ to heal up a little. I'm probably gonna need him.
And I move Bernard closer to the enemy HQ. I have a plan.
Before the enemy phase, I also move Wilbert in - he's in a position where he'll be able to fire on the medium tank, provided it goes for Tina.
These morons do their thing.
Egads! An actual threat approaches!
Also, wow, that did way more damage than I was expecting. Dammit.
The Wilbert Warriors open fire. I've missed them.
3 HP might not look like much, but for a medium tank, it's gonna be hard to pierce.
I finish this other medium tank off with no problems, though. Fred's rockets are pretty nice.
And Bernard parks Dave on the HQ. Two turns left, just got to get rid of these last few threats!
Bill and Eric do a decent amount of damage. Now time for the ultimate disrespect part 2!
...Wait, fuck, I don't have any infantry in range.
Screw it - kill 'em, Alfred.
Michael resupplies the group, conveniently placing himself in bait-range once again.
What a bro.
Hey look, they captured those buildings.
Good for those guys.
And... oops, these guys killed Michael.
"Oh, god, Michael!" yells Tina. She turns around, and realises that nobody else seems to be reacting in the same way. "Uh..?"
"He'll be back. Just don't ask." Barold replies. Barry nods sagely.
Dave does the capturing thing.
The tank-on-tank action is fine, but these guys aren't hitting hard enough for my tastes.
Not even Tina? Damn, she really is damaged, huh. Alfred, do it.
Alfred does it to 'em.
Fuck this map. We're done here, pack it up, boys.
"Also, stop letting people die, you absolute failure!"
With Nell? Buddy, you NEVER had a chance with Nell.
Yes, Nell, that's what I said.
"It's gonna be a map full of bombers! Just sixteen of the fuckers, and all of your units are trapped on an island surrounded by ocean."
...I really hope that the next map isn't that. I'd fucking cry.
Considering how slowly I have to go to minimise deaths, I'm gonna go with a safe "not very".
And that's the map. Sorry for the short update, but next week, we're gonna go fast apparently, so look forward to that.
Also, suggest more names! Since we, uh, lost a dude. Sorry, Colin. Also, if you want to suggest any Barracks supports that you specifically want to see, let me know!
The Barracks: Barold and Bernard 1
Barold comes walking over to Bernard. His face is ashen, and its clear that hes got something on his mind.
Hey, man. Bernard says. Whats all up and happening with you?
Just Colin. He looked after all the newbies. He knew what he was doing. He he died, Bernard.
Yeah, it sucks. Bernard sighs. People seem to be taking it hard, but man, Ive never seen someone take a death like Dave did. Just fell silent, yelled at me to fly him to Olafs HQ and leapt out on his own to storm it.
Sounds like Dave to me.
Its a good job Fred got that medium tank out of the way. So, whats with him, can I ask? Bernard says.
The pair of them sit down together in the barracks, and Barold wonders how to explain himself. Hes feisty, I suppose. He lost a good friend in an early mission, and since then, defeating Olaf has utterly consumed him. He hates Blue Moon with a passion.
I see. Bernard says, shrugging. Jeez. Dont know why youd put that much energy and effort into something.
Why are you so blasé about it all? Barold asks. Even after losing Colin, youre just the same old lazy git. Its a little off-putting.
Look, Bernard replies, putting a hand on Barolds shoulder. Dont think that I dont care. Its just life is short, and I wanna take it easy. Sides, I wasnt going to give it my all when I got conscripted. If Id willingly signed up, maybe things would be different.
You got conscripted? asks Barold. But I thought Orange Star didnt conscript. I joined of my own volition.
Theres a lot we dont know about this army. sighs Bernard. But it isnt worth worrying about. Someones gotta step up and look after the new recruits, and it may as well be you. You get me?
Oh. Barold says. I yeah, I suppose so. Ill go see what theyre doing.
He walks away from Bernard, his mind racing. Why the hell have Orange Star starting mass conscriptions? And when did it begin?