Part 18: Tactical Bernard DeploymentPART 18 - Tactical Bernard Deployment
Aright, welcome back! Michael has just parked himself here to bait out the tank, so that we can finally make progress in this map without being mauled by planes.
This asshole does his thing as Eagle's turn starts.
The tank attacks. Michael should easily survive this. Which is good, because Steve's inside.
Hurray! Not bad. Now then...
Oh, mother fucker.
Flashy name, but what a bullshit move.
Eagle applies some splashy pink effects to his tank, and tank's masculinity is so fragile that it needs to kill something to counteract the pink.
He goes for the nearest target.
"Hey, Steve..." murmurs Michael. "Ready yourself to leave."
"What?" Steve says, turning. Michael runs towards him.
"No more time! We have to move!"
The Michael Multitude is shredded by this superpowered bad boy's second attack, and in the subsequent explosion, Steve and Michael cannot be seen, either in the wreckage or around.
OK, yeah, that IS a bullshit move. Hopefully I can win the map before he pulls it again.
Bernard drops Barold off further into enemy territory. It's much safer to head through here, and we need to make as much progress as we can before Eagle can build up a strong ground presence.
Looks like his stronger planes are counteracted by his godawful ground units. The Tina Team doesn't even need to try to utterly destroy this thing.
Looks like Eagle builds his planes out of vibranium and his tanks out of papier-mâché.
...You know who we've not seen in a while?
"Hey guys." Michael says.
"Michael?" Barold says. "I thought... we literally just watched you die!"
"Hey, I'm needed on the field." Michael replies. "I'm going to help any way I can. Alright?"
"I've given up asking questions at this point." Wilbert sighs.
Everyone else advances forward. The quicker I can start capturing buildings and maintaining a strong offence, the quicker I can be done with this mission.
Speaking of capturing, you will never fucking guess what Eagle's units are doing.
I skipped the enemy phase out of hilarity, but really, nothing happened. He's just slowly advancing, like I am.
The only big problem now is this asshole. One-shots everything. And, of course, it's juuuust in range of the HQ so I can't sneakily skip half the map without anybody realising.
...Well, I could, I suppose. I just need someone expendable to bait this guy out.
We need to get nearer before we can do anything, thing. The Cassandra Corps start bullying Eagle's infantry.
Anti-airs really are remarkable. I get a very 'Fire Emblem myrmidon' vibe from them. I don't know why. They seem sleek and fast.
Carl goes to finish the job.
And finish it he does. Now I can focus on capturing these things with my own units. They'll do much better in Red Sun hands.
The Barold Brigade makes a start.
The Barry Band, subtly different from the Barold Brigade, hop into the newly-built Michael Multitude; more capturing power would be handy.
I drop him off right next to that base. I'm not sure how useful it'll be, but hey, I could do with more units if things get a bit tougher.
I decide it's time to bring Steve back. He only just survived his experience fighting the tank, but he's fighting fit once more.
"Uh... hey, I'm back." Steve says. He looks confused, and turns to his men. "Does anyone remember anything that happened after that tank attacked us?"
"Not a clue." another Steve replies, shrugging.
"Welcome back." Barry says. "Let's just not mention it, huh?"
"That'd be best." Michael says, winking.
I pull Bernard out to pick up Steve. There's a lot of infantry-ferrying going on in this map - man, I wish I had an airport to make more T copters.
Eagle's turn. Now that I've respawned Michael and Steve, I've basically erased all of the progress he'd made in killing my dudes.
Nothing happened, besides one infantry moving vaguely in our general direction, but with so many units that can one-shot him, he's no threat.
I get Barry loaded into Bernard. Let's keep this infantry train rolling!
The Carl Crew get back to their usual wacky antics of murdering infantry in cold fucking blood.
What a zany bunch of jokesters.
Bernard drops Steve off. God damn, this is taking forever.
But Barold has successfully captured something! We're making progress, slowly.
Alright, Barry, come on.
Barry goes for the base. In the meantime, whilst our infantry and mechs are doing the capturing, we need to focus on getting that bomber done.
Could do with some backup. Ingo, get out here!
The Ingo In-Crowd joins us. I also filled this little area up with too many units, and Tina can't move forward as much as I would've liked...
I end the turn with everyone like this. This should be suitable - we're almost ready to bait out the bomber, once Michael picks up Gareth.
Oh, no, it's Eagle's turn!
I guess some units walked forward, but like, nothing of relevance happened.
Get over here, Gareth, you're holding us up. Michael's got some bodyblocking to do.
The Barry Band captures the base! Finally, we can spawn units here instead of all the way over there. That should be helpful, though if my plan goes to, uh, plan, we should be done with this mission soon.
Realising that missiles might be useful against bombers, I bring Mulligan forward.
I realise that he won't catch up in time, yes.
I was just... what was I doing here?
Lots of loading and unloading. This is about the point that I figured out what I want to do to beat the mission, and I need Steve back inside Bernard.
...Oh, that sounded wrong.
Just... just go.
The unlucky saps who don't get carried around by a copter have to be on capturing duty instead.
See, he's catching up! He'll totally get in range before next turn!
We begin the baiting, and not a turn too soon - one more turn and that anti-air would've been bearing down on us, making this strategy way more difficult to pull off.
Of course, the bomber isn't the only thing in range of the HQ... this tank might pose a bit of a threat to any infantry that gets dropped off... unless...
I also finish some capturing, because why not.
Come at me, Eagle. Please don't have your fucking ability again.
The Big Lad cometh.
As expected, he one-shots Michael. Bombers are oppressive enough without Eagle's air units getting an attack boost, jesus...
It's just overkill, man. Right, time to deal with things and finish this godforsaken map already.
As expected, Cassandra does solid damage...
But it's not a one-shot. We'll need to remove this anti-air with Tina so that Carl can finish it off.
Man, there's nothing Tina can't kill. I hope there's a CO that boosts tank units.
Cassandra sets up...
And this is the part where I forgot that bombers can counter. They have such an oppressive player phase presence that I kinda forgot they aren't like fighter jets.
Doesn't matter, anyway; Carl finishes, and with that, the map is pretty much done. There's nothing particularly threatening left to fight.
Of course, I'm still going to bully his units. I need to kill a few turns before I can capture, so let's go for it.
Fuckin' plane nerds.
"But Cosmic, you dumb fuck!" I hear you say, whilst slapping me in the face. "You forgot about the tank!"
Ah, but I didn't. It'll go for the infantry, sure, but the space directly above the HQ...
Is an excellent chokepoint. Bernard can last a turn or two, I'm hoping. That's all I need.
In the meantime, I fuck the laws of nature by having Larry murder an anti-air.
Nice one, Larry.
See, look at this. Perfect.
I am god damn strategician of the year, ladies and gents.
Come at me, Eagle. Not so scary when you're grounded, huh?
The tank approaches. Come, break yourselves upon the Bernard Batch!
Perfect. They're a little injured, though... I'm not 100% sure he'll survive a second turn of this assault.
Alright, let's get this over with.
Bernard retreats, since I'm not risking it this far into the map.
The Larry Lot will be a much better replacement, I'm certain.
Fuck tanks forever. They're not even that GOOD, but they're sturdy against anything not named Tina.
The Steve Squadron is halfway there. One more turn and we don't have to worry about anything. I think it's safe to say that Eagle... got his wings clipped. Huh? HUH?
That was comedy gold and I am woefully under-appreciated.
Hey, lone soldier! That was funny, right? Right?
Tell me I'm funny or I'll shoot you again.
Eagle does nothing.
Hey, it's my turn, hurrah.
I mean, I could totally win right now, but Eagle's pissed me off.
Let's bully him a bit more.
Ain't no kill like overkill. The one thing Andy's useful for!
Which only amounts to a 2HP heal and a minor damage boost, but fuck it, I'll take it.
Even my units agree as they mercilessly beat on Eagle.
The fun doesn't stop there! Let's get Tina in on the action!
Larry also wants to kick back and relax, and so shoots up the tank.
There we go.
...fine, NOW we can capture the HQ.
Well done, Steve and Bernard. They really did cut half of this map entirely, and I'm not going to complain. I saw a medium tank up there somewhere.
Well, I lost several times. But yes. Now you lost.
Wait, you guys know each other?
...Of course. This makes perfect sense.
Eagle, I wish he was.
I wish he was.
"Grr, I won't forget that you utterly ruined my army because I picked a fight with you for literally no actual reason!"
God damn, Andy, you are a dense motherfucker.
I'd think of a more funny way of saying that, but I'm just so done with Andy's nonsense.
If that is what Andy is doing, then he's playing the long con. He's been feigning ignorance since I met him.
I'm gonna go out on a whim and say Advance Wars works with Video Game Logic, where nobody actually dies (except the mooks).
Leave him, Andy. He's already smugged off into the distance.
I just said that.
...Yeah, I think that just about works.
Andys Stupid Question Count: 4
Eagle, from Green Earth. We were literally told all of this during the map, fucking hell.
But hey, we won! Another mission down, and quite an annoying one, too.
...And we've ranked up, apparently.
To an Opal Rat. 95 ranks to go. I'm not sure I can be bothered climbing all of the ranks...
Can't wait for RANK 1 - GOLD-PLATED TITANIUM RAT
oh who the fuck is this now
i've had enough dipshits for one episode
I'm with you on this one.
Well, hi. Can I replace you with Andy, then?
He isn't you. That's all I'm looking for in a CO, Andy.
I like this guy.
Kinda reminds me of Fire Emblem's Hector.
Might just be the blue hair.
...King of direct combat, you say? We talking, uh, medium tanks?
Please tell me that's your canonical surname.
Fuck off Andy, you don't get to decide what's cool
It certainly isn't your shorts
...Oh, true, he's probably not good at indirect combat. And I do so much like Wilbert...
I need a CO that empowers both Wilbert and Tina, preferably. They are the power couple of this LP, after all.
Wait, for real? I can choose Not Andy?
Nope god dammit it's still Andy
Oh, I seeeeeeee. Well, thread, looks like we have a vote! Choose which mission I go for next - vote ANDY or MAX!
Join us next time as we continue to fight Olaf and make fun of Andy. That's what we're all here for, right?
The Barracks: Alfonse and Mulligan 1
Mulligan, quietly observing the barracks in his usual way, spots a young man eating alone, looking quite put out. He strides over and gestures to the seat opposite.
Feel free to sit. Alfonse says.
Mulligan sits and looks at him. I couldnt help but notice that you were looking introspective. Whats ailing you, friend?
Alfonse feels a strange sense of kinship with Mulligan; hes a very easy person to talk to. Well I just I feel a little bit outclassed. All the other infantry are such veterans. Steve and Barold have been with my dude since the beginning, and Dave, too Im not sure I can hold a torch to them.
Is that whats concerning you? Mulligan replies. I wouldnt worry about that. Remember, Alfonse, you were brought into this army because youre capable enough. Youll become as experienced as them in time.
Are you sure? I dont get that much combat experience. Alfonse says.
Mulligan chuckles, and gestures around.
Not all of us do. When was the last time I was dispatched in a mission before today? Different units work best in different circumstances; my dude always needs infantry, though, to capture buildings and deal damage to weakened enemies. You have your niches, Alfonse. You need to embrace them.
Alfonse falls silent, picking at his food with a fork as he muses on this.
Always time for a second chance to impress. Mulligan replies. Alright?
Alright. Alfonse replies. He looks at Mulligan with a smile. Thank you, Mulligan. You seem to always know the right thing to say.
I like to help. Mulligan replies.
You do. Howard was telling me you were talking to him about quitting smoking at the Christmas party, and youve been helping my dude with his stress after Nell left
Ah, that. Mulligan says, with a twinkle in his eye. All I did was tell Lucy that my dude needed a hug, and hed all but forgotten his depression. He misses Nell, but hes motivated to find her. I just had to make him realise that.
You do a good job. Alfonse replies. Thank you, from all of us.
Mulligan awkwardly shifts in his seat. Well I try. Im just thankful all you guys accepted me. So, next battle, I expect to see you giving it your all, OK, Alfonse?
For sure! Alfonse says. Mulligan can see the determination in his eyes and smiles to himself.