Part 27: The Best Unit In The Games Glorious ReturnPART 27 - The Best Unit In The Games Glorious Return
Let's get this show on the road! So, not much time, short update, the usual. However, you'll all be elated to hear that Dipshit won the vote this time, so...
Oh god. Welcome back, Dipshit.
See, I smirked when I saw the mission title.
I was not smirking when I saw the size of Kanbei's army in this mission.
Two medium tanks and a rocket squad. And there's more offscreen.
For once, Dipshit has a valid concern, and it is the same question I wanted to ask:
There are two parts to this army: Tina and people not named Tina. We appear to be lacking all the people not named Tina.
I read this in the most sarcastic possible tone.
The way she explicitly uses passive voice here really makes me wonder if she made the error.
My god, maybe all the errors have been Nell. And then she just blames them on her superiors.
...It can't be.
"Yeah, we have no units, but we have these bases full of units."
For a minute I thought this map was going to be difficult.
Spoiler: It will be difficult regardless.
I was about to complain at how dumb a question that would be, but we are dealing with Dipshit here.
He's lying. It's OK, I'll deal with the bases.
Exactly. Thank god you two have me around, huh?
Excuse me, why am I the afterthought in that sentence? Why are you just leaving us to get mauled by an army twice our size?
Hold on, I have the perfect meme for this situation.
There we go, one good thing to come out of the ProJared debacle yesterday.
Alright, silliness aside, let's talk strategy.
So, we have two chokepoints that we need to hold - both are going to be attacked by two medium tanks, a regular tank and an artillery. The eastern point also has several infantry and like four additional regular tanks, as well as the rocket squad you can see there. The southern point has an additional artillery. We need to play defensively. However, I also have to beat the map in 10 days, so... yeah, here we go. I have my work cut out for me.
The first thing I need is money, so Vladimir and Alfonse head north to take the neutral cities near our stronghold. Now, the important thing about this map, which I discovered after just one failed attempt, is that it's not as hard as it seems, provided you follow two important rules: don't attack with your tanks, and prioritise the enemy's ranged units.
In this instance, we need to attack the tank first. The Fred Fusiliers should be good for this.
This tank is now at the optimal range of HP - you'll see what I mean by that shortly.
And up here, the Patrick Posse also attacks - getting the first hit on this rocket squad basically renders it useless for the rest of the map. We have to prevent Tina from taking damage from indirect threats, which we do firstly by hitting any indirect units as hard as we can, and luring them to attack Patrick instead. Which you will also see shortly.
Good job, Patrick. We're ready for the enemy phase.
So, yes, here's the absolute bullshittery that we're dealing with today. Look at how many units there are! It's ridiculous!
However, the rocket squad makes a first fatal mistake by going for Patrick. This is vital to our success.
It does nothing, pretty much - Patrick will heal this damage next turn.
Here's why we needed to hit that tank with Fred. The AI forces it to charge at Bill, but it's too weak to do any worthwhile damage and so doesn't attack. We'll be using this "enemies don't attack when weakened" a whole lot in this map.
Here's an instance where we didn't even need to weaken the fucking thing. Kanbei's going to make his tank too weak to attack all on his own.
Well done, Tina. God, it's always nice to have you around.
So, here we are. The eastern flank is basically set up for now - our only goal will be picking off that artillery and rocket squad whilst everyone else bunches around the chokepoint, unable to do anything of use. Handy!
We also begin the capturing process, courtesy of Vladimir and Alfonse. They're contributing!
Actually, they are. See, our first purchase of the day is very important to defend that southern flank:
"I can see that this troublesome situation may require my aid." Rose says, watching the southernmost chokepoint with an empty stare. "I will help... though I do not want to turn against my emperor. I must convince this Orange Star army that I am loyal to them... even if it means doing harm to my fellow Yellow Comet men."
OK, now we need to bully that artillery. If we weaken it, it'll do squat damage to Bill. He just has to defend for one more turn before Rose can take over. Rose on a city is going to be pretty impenetrable.
Alright, that should be enough.
On the other side of the map, Patrick has also had enough of indirect enemy fire and goes to destroy the rocket squad.
It was an overwhelming success.
Kanbei's turn. The good thing about not being as aggressive as usual is that he's not got his CO power yet. I'd really like to thin the herd a little more before that happens.
Bill tanks this hit like a pro.
However, it does weaken him to the point that the enemy tank decides it's viable to attack him.
It was not, in fact, viable. It's extra-annoying, honestly - enemies at this range always go to heal on a nearby city, and I don't have time to chase them down when I'm being defensive. It'll just add more turns; I have to destroy this southern squad as soon as possible.
Luckily, we're in a much better position now that we have Rose to back us up.
Of course, the Bill Battalion can still contribute. If I move him here, he has the forest defence and the artillery will go for him instead of Rose - basically the same thing we were doing with Patrick and Tina up north. Meatshields ahoy!
We put Rose here, and I just decide to wait. If I attack the tank, one of the medium tanks can fill that empty space and go ham, and I'd like to avoid that. Of course, I'm 90% sure it's going to flee anyway, so I have a backup plan.
I also finish capturing these buildings. That gives us a little extra money to work with each turn! I'm going to need it - medium tanks are expensive, and I need to save up more so I can get the best units in the game, as well as more of the third best units in the game (rockets).
Speaking of rockets, fuck this artillery in particular. Just like Bill, the artillery will go for Patrick instead of the more obvious choice, Tina, which is going to be critical to our success.
Alright, half HP. It'll still hurt, but I can deal with that. And we can still two-turn it with just Patrick.
The backup strategy! Just hit it with rockets!
This is legitimately a good call, though. Units don't prioritise HP and stuff over movement, so this tank will move before the other one, and thus attack the Rose Rank. Fortunately, it won't hit nearly as hard at 6HP.
Alright, time to get some of the best units in the game. Hey there, Ingo In-Crowd!
"What's going on out there?" Ingo murmurs. His face is sallow and thin, but suddenly, his eyes widen as he views the scene. "Bill! You're hurt!"
"I'm fine." Bill says, surprised that Ingo is even concerned for his health. "Keep yourself safe, alright, Ingo? I'm not sure you should be on the field yet. It's not been too long since Er-"
"It's OK. I'm ready for this; let me help." Ingo says.
Bill nods, quietly impressed.
Alright, Kanbei, do your worst.
I mean, I know I said do your worst, but that was atrocious.
Much like last turn, Bill takes the heat off Rose, which I am always thankful for.
Every unit in the game exists to prevent medium tanks from sustaining unnecessary damage, I've decided.
Here comes the big lad. This could be trouble.
But it went even better than expected! Only three damage. I forgot that neither of us were Max for a sec there.
God, can you imagine Max as an enemy CO? That must suck.
Anyway, right, my turn.
We'll spend a turn moving Ingo into a range where he'll actually be useful. It's also important to keep the bases free, so I can deploy new units whenever I need to.
Speaking of deploying new units, here he is, folks.
"Tina!" shouts Wilbert. "I'm here to back you up!"
"Thanks, Wilbert. There's a lot of 'em out here - we're at a stalemate right now, but we have to stay on the defensive!" Tina yells back. "Am I glad to see you."
"I'm going to crush them, one by one." Wilbert grunts. "Move out, Wilbert Warriors. Our priority is defending the Tina Team!"
And now Dipshit wants to be useful. I suppose it'd be nice to heal everyone up a little.
Honestly, though, the slight damage boost is probably the best part of this power for my purposes right now.
I mean, this kill was already guaranteed, but whatever. Skip.
This is the important one.
Any extra damage on medium tanks is well worth it. Now they're both weakened, we have a good shot at clearing out this area.
And Rose is always happy to help out. FIRE!
One down, three to go.
Kanbei will continue to do nothing useful.
Glad I got my hits in when I could. The strength boost from this power is annoying enough, but the defence boost is the real 'fuck you'.
...Yeah, I dunno why I put Ingo in range of this guy. I think I just assumed he'd still go for Bill.
It's not too much damage though.
And the second medium tank comes charging in.
This is going to be a weird thing to say, but thank god for the existence of cities.
Way less troublesome than Eagle and Grit, where you're basically guaranteed to lose a unit. Now then, where were we..?
It amuses me that Fred hasn't move all map, and just continually shoots rockets, and yet has contributed so much. This is a fun map, honestly. Lots of interesting plays to be made.
Wilbert reunites with Tina, ready to back her up.
Ugh. Look at how little damage fucking rockets are doing to Kanbei's medium tanks now.
It's like chipping at a brick wall with a pencil.
Meanwhile, an artillery unit outperforms a rocket squad on the grounds of actually killing medium tanks.
BOOYAH. Well done, Ingo. Artilleries are the best unit in the game, they really are.
Rose takes the initiative and prepares for combat.
Alright, that's almost everything...
Now I just have to hope that Bill can do enough damage to that last artillery to clear out the south side. It's a real risk.
BUT IT PAID OFF!
Nice! The entire southern district is now cle-
Oh goddamn it
Alright, with the first difficult portion of this map done, we'll be taking a quick break here! Next week, I find out if it's possible to destroy two medium tanks, four tanks, two infantry and god knows what else in just five days. Hint: more rockets and artillery will be necessary.
Thanks as always for joining me - see you soon!
For those that are wondering, though it should have been quite obvious, the second best unit in the game is medium tanks. I'll write a tierlist at some point. Maybe at the end of the LP.
The Barracks: Rose and Balthazar 1
Balthazar jumps, almost out of his chair, when Rose sits at his table. Recovering from the panic, he stares at her. Uh, hi?
That was quite a start. Guilty conscience? Rose says.
Balthazar blusters as he tries to think of a lie. No, no, of course not. Just, uh, highly strung. Stress of the job, yknow.
Yes. Driving a boat and not engaging in combat at all must be quite stressful. Rose replies. Balthazars mouth hangs open as he tries to think of a way of ending the conversation. Unless you used to have a previous job that was stressful?
Uh, yes! Balthazar replies brightly, taking the easy way out. Yeah, I used to have a stressful job. Still reminded of it from time to time.
He glances around awkwardly, but nobody else is meeting his eyes. He looks back down at the even stare of the nine-year-old.
What was it?
Dont wanna talk about it. Balthazar says, cutting her off. He raises an eyebrow suspiciously. Did you grow up in Yellow Comet?
If I did, then so did you. Rose replies.
Balthazar doesnt speak for a moment, but then relents. Yeah, you got me. Used to live in Yellow Comet, a long time ago.
Why did you move? Rose asks. The question is innocent, but the look in her eyes is far from it.
I dont think I want to be talking to you. Youre with them, arent you?!
What are you talking about? Im just a child. Rose huffs, folding her arms. Balthazar, briefly buying the act, looks away.
Urgh, sorry. Im just suspicious of everyone these days. I cant tell you about it, but well, the reason why I moved isnt so great. I try not to think about it.
Im sorry. Rose replies. Let me know if you would ever like to talk about it. Im here for you.
Thanks. Balthazar says, nodding. Yeah, I suppose itd be nice to get it off my chest sometime.
Rose stands up. Good. I look forward to hearing from you, and I hope I can help in some way.
Yeah. Ill let you know. Balthazar replies.
Rose walks away a little quicker than she intends to, feeling how fast her heart is beating. That was too close. I have to be more convincing next time.