Part 28: The Only Appearance Of PaulPART 28 - The Only Appearance Of Paul
Welcome back, everyone. Last time, we cleared out the southern chokepoint (of all but one tank, anyway) and were making plans to deal with the absolute fuckload of tanks waiting for us on the eastern side.
Kanbei's turn. What a good start.
All he does is let this tank heal 2HP. It won't help.
Our turn, though, that's when the real fun will begin. Let's see now...
First, gotta get Rose after that tank.
And now that the south side is cleaned up, we need to start moving our units over to help with clearing up. Ingo and Bill go over to help.
And a third rocket squad! Introduce yourself!
"Hey, my name's Paul, and we're the Paul Power. Pleased to meet-"
And that's all the time we have for Paul. We will never see him again after this map.
The Wilbert Warriors begin attacking this medium tank. We've got enough firepower to take it out in one turn, which is very useful - low HP medium tanks will retreat to cities, out of the range of my units.
...Talking from experience.
But this guy is toast. I still have many rocket squads left.
The Patrick Posse gets this kill.
And he nailed it! Just one medium tank left.
The murder circle is awaiting it.
Alright, let's get it done already. Almost there...
Well, that sure was a turn where things happened. Time to start flattening these idiots.
"Come here, you annoyance." Rose mutters. "We do not have the time to deal with this today. I am sorry."
"I hope that Kanbei forgives me." sighs Rose.
The Paul Power moves to this empty space here. It's worth wasting a turn to get into a better position to shoot things.
But now... it's time. I head to the base to deploy Dave.
"Dave!?" Tina says, turning in surprise. At HQ, Michael looks out of the window and opens his transceiver.
"Dave, what the hell? I thought you were thinking about leaving the army?"
"I was," Dave says, wheeling his medium tank around. "But firstly, conscription laws are now a thing, so they wouldn't let me leave. However, they recognised my contribution to beating Blue Moon and promoted me! I've got a medium tank now, motherfuckers!"
Dave has promoted. He can now be deployed as either an infantry unit or as a medium tank unit.
"It's alright for some." sighs Wilbert, locking onto an enemy tank and preparing to fire.
"It's OK, Wilbert." Tina replies. "You'll get there. Keep working hard!"
"Thanks. I'll do my best." Wilbert replies.
"And your best is pretty damn good." Tina replies. "Not as good as me, of course..."
"Of course." smirks Wilbert. "You've been doing an excellent job as a meatshield this mission."
Tina gets mock annoyed and the rest of the army laugh.
The Fred Fusiliers prepare to open fire.
They open fire. Goddamn, nothing dies in one hit around here. I miss Max.
I'm trying to spread my damage around, which is why I set Patrick on this tank up here.
There's no particular reason for this. I just want to minimise the chances that they'll move in weird ways or do something I'm not expecting. If I keep them all alive, there's less chance that they'll break this particular formation.
However, I do have Tina fire on the nearest tank, who has been sitting there for so long now. I want to try and lure that medium tank in.
That was satisfying.
Alright, Kanny my man, do your worst.
His tanks move in incomprehensible ways, but of course, the only unit that doesn't move is the medium tank.
We'll have to take matters into our own hands.
Luckily, we can. Since. Uh. It's our turn now.
Let's erase these morons. The Ingo In-Crowd goes for this guy.
"One hit, one kill." says Ingo, in the edgiest possible voice you can think of.
"HE WAS ON 4HP." sighs Wilbert.
DO IT, PAUL
This was the Paul Power's one meaningful contribution. Look upon it and weep.
Wilbert attacks the only tank still with full health.
And now... we're ready. That medium tank thinks it's safe, hiding behind three tanks.
The fucking fool.
First tank dies to Fred.
Second one dies to Dave.
Third one dies to Patrick.
And the fucking fool of a tank is wiiiiiide open for the Tina Team.
Wait Bill can contribute
Yeah! There we go, Bill!
OK back to Tina.
Dammit. Almost a kill, but hey, close enough. There's basically nothing left of this map but two infantry and this crippled tank, so we're done here.
Kanbei's turn is just a formality.
...Why even bother?
This tank entirely misunderstands what a morale boost is and instead flees to the nearest city to recuperate.
This admittedly suicidal infantry gets it. Charge! Never surrender!
Though when you do 1 damage to a tank and it does 2 back, and you've walked into the range of 2 artillery units and 3 rocket squads, it might be time to briefly consider surrender.
Day 9. This was closer than I was intending it to be, but there's just a couple of dudes left. I think we did it!
Ingo goes for this moron.
Pfft. That 20% defence boost isn't doing much, pal. There's still plenty of firepower left for you.
Fred shoots an infantry!
(As an aside, trying to tell apart the three rocket squads is really hard. God, I wish I could nickname units or something.)
And it went well!
(At some point I considered editing the screenshots to give each unit a unique palette, but a) I'm not that great at spriting and b) god that would be so much effort. So I just have to try and remember where everyone is at any given time. It's... interesting.)
Oh, shit, Paul contributed a second time.
"I've been happy to help out." Paul says. "You know, I used to be a commander mysel-"
"We're almost done here, let's focus on the mission!" says Fred.
You know what, let's give this kill to Bill.
He's put in the work this map. Solid unit.
Tina continues to mercilessly hunt this tank. No draw. No escape.
And there we go.
I get very "INCONCEIVABLE" vibes from Kanbei, especially here. What was that guy from again?
Princess Bride, that was it. What a good movie.
Kanbei says this as if he was the outnumbered one. The odds were with you, fucko!
And away he goes.
I'd like to disagree with Dipshit, because agreeing with him physically pains me, but... yeah. That was a pretty fun map. And I S-ranked it.
We got, uh, more Advance Wars coins or whatever. Almost 100 now. What do these do, again?
Uh, yeah, that. Honestly, Sonja, it was more of a massacre. Poor fucker never stood a chance.
Kanbei amuses me. He's like a child.
And Sonja's the adult here. Good to know that the military commander of Yellow Comet is a manchild who is pacified by his much more competent daughter.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying!
He says "I am" as if he'd momentarily forgotten that. My god, Kanbei.
Oh god. He's actually going to listen to her advice this time. This next battle is going to be tough.
Shit. Kanbei, no, please ignore all the advice.
...Wait, we might be in luck. I think he's still an idiot.
Yes! He is! Phew, I was worried for a sec there.
Kanbei barely realises that numbers go higher than fifteen. Take pity on him, Sonja.
SO MANY UNITS HAVE DIED, DIPSHIT
Max continues to be Hector.
And Sami actually has a head on her shoulders.
Now, I'd ordinarily put it up to a vote between Nintendo, Sega and Sony, but if my commenters are correct, and if my vague knowledge of Advance Wars memes is correct, then next mission is The Mission, and as such, will require Andy. Am I right on that, people?
Let me know. Either way, see you next time for more Kanbei action.
...No, my dude, never say that again. That was wrong.
The Barracks: Rose and Tina 2
Rose walks into the gym, and isnt surprised at all to see Tina working out as usual, lifting heavy weights and grunting with the effort.
The woman turns. Oh, Rose.
I hope that youve been observing my last few battles. I have been trying my hardest to give you some time to shine, too.
Yeah. I guess I noticed. Tina replies. I havent quite forgiven you.
About you and Wilbert, too Im happy for you. Rose replies. She is much more quiet, and looks almost nervous.
Theres a few moments of silence.
Look, Rose, I just have to ask why are you so adult?
I grew up fast. Rose says. A child prodigy of course the first thing my parents did was try and use it for their own benefit. Sent me to schools across the country, entered me in competitions, and it was all so, so tiresome.
Tina puts the dumbbell down and just listens to Rose talk.
Then I was given a job in the government. My mother didnt give me a choice in the matter. They needed the money so I accepted. And since then Ive been doing whatever jobs they ask of me.
Rose fixes her with a sad stare.
Ive never played dress-up. Or had a doll. Ive never had friends my age.
I see. Tina murmurs. Uh, listen, Rose thank you for telling me about this. I misjudged you a little when I first met you. You really dont know anything about social interaction, do you?
Not really. I cant read feelings a lot of the time.
Well, hey. You drive a tank better than I do, and we make a pretty good team on the battlefield. Tina replies, standing up and extending a hand. You dont need friends your age. Ill be your friend, Rose. We cool?
Rose stares at the outstretched hand for a couple of moments before reaching up and shaking it. She has the faintest little smile.