Part 29: An Endless Supply Of Hugs And MurderPART 29 - An Endless Supply Of Hugs And Murder
Ladies and gentlemen, we're finally here. It's time for Dipshit's greatest moment - and as such, we'll be playing as him for this mission.
Yes, yes. Don't get too used to it.
I love how even the game is confused about whether Kanbei made an error or not. Speaking as somebody who has beaten this mission: yes, Kanbei made several crucial errors.
This is a pretty interesting map, all things considered. Lots of water but no ships - the focus is on cities and air units.
And don't think I don't see that bomber up there, Kanny my boy.
9/10 of this game's maps start with us being surrounded. You'd think Dipshit would be used to it by now.
Max just states the mission goal right here. However, this makes no sense. Why do we have to seize properties to win? What are they doing to help us? What kind of arbitrary victory condition is this?
I mean, I get why it's a victory condition but I'd like an in-story justification for it. Like, "Yellow Comet gets money from cities around here, as this is where all their richest citizens live. If we can cut off their funding, we can stop Kanbei in his tracks!" or something.
The Advance Campaign version of this stage is posited as one of the hardest in the game.
...However, the regular one is not nearly as hard.
Here it comes.
Everyone who has played this game before knows what I mean.
MAXIMUM DIPSHITTERY ACHIEVED
Andys Stupid Question Count: ∞
(Just kidding. We're at 9 now.)
Max takes the most differently-able moment Dipshit has ever had pretty well, all things considered. I, meanwhile, am just about to restrain myself from strangling him with my bare hands.
This is an actually useful bit of information. They could've easily introduced airports without making Dipshit look like a... well, a dipshit. Have Andy be like, "That means we can deploy air units, but we're still outnumbered!" and then have Max come in with the "Well, they can heal at airports too."
Man, I'm in a very rewrite-the-game mood today, it seems.
In his head, you can hear screaming.
That's true, it's pretty close to us.
...Ah. I see! Yeah, I should've realised that.
I wouldn't go that far. Rockets exist, Sami.
That would be helpful, considering that it's our victory condition for this mission.
And we only start with, like, 3. This is going to be an uphill struggle.
The Barold Brigade and Dave Division are already in the field, so I summon the Alfonse Alliance too. We'll need all the infantry we can get.
Barold makes a start on this leftmost city...
And Dave does the same for the right.
Oh, god, there's gonna be so much territory capturing on this map isn't there.
Here's how Kanbei's forces shape up. Combatively, they're not too threatening, besides, like, the jet. However, they're gonna be able to capture quite a lot of this territory in a short space of time.
However, here is the important thing to note: in order to win, Kanbei has to capture all the territory on the mainland PLUS these three cities on this other island. The general strategy of this mission is going to be 'get to that island as quickly as humanly possible'.
I buy another infantry. Huh, this is actually a new infantry unit.
"Hey guys!" yells the newcomer. "I'm gonna help as best I can!"
"Christ, we have a transceiver for a reason. It's so you don't have to yell at the top of your lungs and deafen us." Barold mutters.
Alright, Kanbei's turn now.
This guy is hilarious.
You sure did, Kanbei. Well done.
It amuses and annoys me that even on the map where Kanbei has to deploy troops, he gets a whole predeployed army with the 20% boost and his only base is played as a joke. God damn you, Intelligent Systems.
To be fair to him, he does do this. It just turns out to be a massive waste of money.
And hey, guess what a lot of this enemy phase is?
If you guessed "capturing territory", you are correct.
And now because I've got to capture territory to win, a lot of my turns are also just dudes sitting on cities.
This is troublesome. We have to take care of that bomber, first and foremost, but I'd also like to make sure that the jet doesn't murder any of my transport copters. I'm going to need those.
We're out of range at the moment, but this thing has stupid levels of movement. Luckily, I should be able to abuse the weakness of only be able to fire on other air units.
First things first... Mulligan, if you would be so kind.
The Mulligan Missileers do their best, but that 20% defence bonus is doing a lot for Kanbei. We'll need more firepower, but at least we've weakened it a lot.
Dave sits on a city until it submits to him.
As does Barold. But the fun doesn't stop there - there's plenty more cities for you two to capture, boys. Hop to it. Once I deal with all the murderers in the sky.
Arthur begins to capture a city.
Meanwhile, the Alfonse Alliance hops into Bernard to get transported over to that northern island.
That is a lot of cities for one young boy though. We'll need to ferry someone else across to expedite the process.
That bro copter is going to be trouble. I pull the Carl Crew outta there.
It'd be best for Larry to retreat, too.
The Howard Heap, still not emotionally recovered from their last brush with death, is still nervous about being in battle again. However, he's got a job to do.
That job was "shoot down the big fucker" and he did is wonderfully.
"Skies above, I'll need a cig after this..." mutters Howard. "At least that's my job done."
Unfortunately, that was only part one of the job.
There was a second part. And that was...
"Bait the hell out of this murdering scumbag"
He did that wonderfully, too.
The bro copter, meanwhile, targets Mulligan, which is annoying but unavoidable. Once these enemies are down, Mulligan's contributions on this map are pretty much over.
That's a lot of damage, though, ouch. We'll heal 2 next turn, so we should still have enough firepower to delete that fighter jet.
The important things to note here: Kanbei's made two transport copters, and his infantry have reached the island. This isn't too bad - I intend to get there before that infantry captures all of the buildings, which gives me four days.
Beating this mission in twelve days is going to be demanding if I don't get a move on, though. But I wanna prove to Paul-senpai that I can do it!
Ngh. Mulligan has been underperforming in this map. To be fair, it's not his fault, it's Kanbei's stupid buffs, but still.
OK, we'll deal with that in a moment. First...
At least I can always rely on Carl.
Well done, Carl Crew. Now I can finish off that jet with Howard an-
...Oh, god damn. That isn't good. I could get lucky but I'd rather not risk it.
There must be something I can do.
And I can't believe I'm saying this
It's Dipshit that actually helps us here
Yeah. Hyper Repair will heal us enough that we'll be able to beat that jet.
In the meantime, everyone meet the Harvey Helicopter.
"Hey! I like to collect bugs." Harvey says excitedly. "I know everything you could want to know about beetles or an-"
And let's move on. We've got shit to do.
There we go! You just needed a little push, Howard.
And now he's finished contributing. Rest easy, you pile of nerves pretending to be a human being.
Alfonse also contributes! We're all very proud of him.
Bernard heads back to pick up more dudes.
Speaking of more dudes, Arthur captures some territory. We're making some headway now; Kanbei's ahead of us, but we'll put a stop to that soon enough, hopefully.
Who's ready for more... territory capturing!
Excuse me, we're all perfectly mature over here. I mean, Dipshit might not be, but compared to, say, you and Olaf, we're all pretty mature in Orange Star.
Kanbei decides that his territory isn't being captured strongly enough, and so decides that now is the perfect time for one of these.
Look at how aggressively this territory is being captured. Thank god for that attack boost, right, nameless infantry unit?
So yeah, that was dumb. This is why I wanted those copters out of the way before; Morale Boost is useless on this map unless Kanbei has air units, since I don't have anyone in his range at the moment.
The Barold Brigade will be backing Alfonse up in the north.
Two of them should clean out that area pretty quickly, so now I need to focus on that island with the city and airport. Grabbing that will be useful, and it'll stop Kanbei from making any more dangerous air units.
Alfonse is a good boy. I think we're all in agreement there.
I skipped Kanbei's turn because all that happened was more territory being captured. So, on with the actually important stuff!
Oh. Right. Capturing territory. Well, hey, good for you, Alfonse.
Barold gets in on this exciting capturing action too.
Question is now, where do we drop the Dave Division?
I think I'm going to want that airport more, so that takes priority.
"I miss my tank." Dave mutters.
"You can get back in it soon, I'm sure." replies Barold. "In the meantime, subjugate that airport already."
I move Arthur down so he can be closer to any transport copters I happen to build.
Like this one! Goodness!
A beautiful woman with glittering green hair fixes the battlefield with a wistful look. "Je suis le Fleur Flier. C'est un plaisir de vous rencontrer."
"Uh, English?" asks Mulligan.
"Ah, sorry!" Fleur replies. "I am not, what you say, familiar with English. It is habit to slip into français... I am Fleur, and I am pleased to meet mes nouveaux amis."
Anyway, the exciting transport copter action will have to wait until next turn. Right now, the Big Yellow Ponce wants to do more stuff.
Gosh, capturing stuff again. Who would have guessed.
One more turn until that infantry captures that entire island - luckily, we're now in place to come in and take it for ourselves.
I swear I planned this map. Mostly.
And how do we take it, you ask?
The Larry Lot, of course. Hard counter to tanks, lest you forgot.
And as we know, damaging infantry damages their capturing potential. Larry will be able to buy us enough turns to get everyone else in position to capture that island, and with any luck, he'll finish off the infantry before it can finish getting that last city.
Yeah, I know this was tight. I was intending to do it more stylishly, but hey, whatever works.
Meanwhile, Dave subjugates an airport.
"Anyone here watched Die Hard 2?" Dave asks. Somebody laughs, loudly, over the transceiver.
"Yeah! Is that how you feel right now?!" Arthur shouts.
"Mhm." Dave replies. "But hey, it's the boss' orders."
These two finally finish repainting the cities up here. Took them long enough.
Arthur climbs into the Fleur Flier.
You know what we've been missing? Gareth.
Welcome back, Gareth Group.
I just realised that I almost have enough money.
For what, you ask?
For my next plan.
Well, my first plan is to laugh at this nerd. Can't even capture a city whilst under constant helicopter fire? What kind of scrub infantry unit are you? Dave could've done it.
The tank didn't appreciate my bullying of the infantry, and goes for Larry.
Even with Kanbei's bonuses, helicopters still do not find tanks very troublesome.
The important thing about this screenshot is those two units standing suspiciously next to those transport copters. Kanbei's about to start making moves on our territory - we'll have to either beat the map quickly or play defensively for a bit. And considering my time limit, only one of those options is viable, so here we go.
Right. Let's start moving everyone up, please. We have lots of stuff that we need to sit on.
Gareth reunites with Bernard...
And gets dropped off here. He'll be capturing that city on his left.
Speaking of capturing, Dave fully John McClanes the airport.
Larry might just be following orders, but I am taking almost sadistic pleasure in the slow killing of this infantry unit.
I leave Fleur and Arthur here, ready for dropping in on that last island next turn.
Harvey moves back to pick up one of these guys, too. I'm not sure if I'll need them, but hey, good to have backup plans.
Barold opts to head in.
Come on, Kanbei, do something even remotely threatening.
...Pfft. This guy is really trying his best.
As is this tryhard.
Admittedly, he did better that time. The healing from the city is giving the tank the edge over Larry.
Well, that and the fact that Larry is actively choosing not to target this tank at the moment.
Those transport copters help Kanbei immensely by dropping units right on top of the last two cities on the mainland - he's in a position to win the map, if these last three cities are captured by him.
However, we won't be allowing that.
He isn't going to capture this one.
I told you that we wouldn't let him get all the cities on this island, and none of you believed me!
Fleur drops off Arthur on the city instead, as he will paint it a much better colour.
Gareth also makes a start on his city. We need to pull ahead of Kanbei as soon as possible.
Alright, we have enough money now.
What? says Dipshit, somewhere off to the side, looking up from his GameBoy game. (Gotta keep him occupied while the real adults do real work.) Thats an immense waste of resourc-
Hello everyone! trills a sweet voice. Its good to be in the field again!"
SHES BACK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
BEST DAUGHTER LUCY, THE CUTEST AIRBORNE ENGINE OF DEATH TO EVER EXIST!
"Oh, shit, is that Lucy?" Bernard says. "Hey, kid. Nice of you to join us."
"Hi, Bernard!" Lucy cries. "I owe you lots of hugs! Actually, I owe everyone lots of hugs... it's been way too long since I've been in battle with you all!"
"The last time... was before Christmas, I'm pretty sure." Carl mutters. Gareth looks up, surprised that Carl contributed positively to a conversation without mentioning blood.
"Oh my god, who is this kid and why is she so cute?" says Alfonse. "Haven't seen her around the barracks."
"It's Lucy; she flies a bomber and can murder anything you want her to, but she's also super sweet." Gareth explains. "Besides, who are you callin' a kid? You're only two years her elder. You're both kids to me."
Alright, anyway... now we just end turn...
Wait. Something's wrong.
There it is.
Mulligan moves one space up to completely neutralise the threat that this island poses.
I TOLD you rockets exist, Sami. Didn't I tell you? And now look. They almost threatened me.
Come on, Kanbei, give up the ghost already.
To absolutely nobody's surprise, stuff gets captured.
Interestingly, the tank doesn't go for Larry this time around. I have no idea why, either.
Welp, whatever. Time for that tank to regret everything. Luc-
yes well done gareth
alright good job hurry up dave
HERE WE GO
LUCY BOMBER TIME
You know, I was about to say that this was underwhelming, but considering the 20% defence bonus and 30% damage reduction from the city... this is pretty impressive damage.
Well done, Lucy. Good girl.
The Larry Lot can pick up where she left off.
...But they're just shy of the kill. Damn it all.
As funny as this would be, I don't wanna risk it. Besides, killing tanks with infantry only works if you're Dave. And Arthur is not Dave.
'Sides, Arthur needs to capture this territory. We don't have time for this.
Speaking of Dave, Bernard drops him off up here. We're almost done - if we can capture those other two cities on this island, we've won.
Kanbei's turn is just this, pretty much. He has every territory on the mainland now.
And now he's making moves on my territory! Damn... one Gareth can't defend two cities. And up north, we've got another mech hoping to defend his cities.
We have our work cut out for us this turn, so let's get going.
As you can see, we need three cities, whilst Kanbei needs one - if we let him capture any territory at all, we're done for.
First, Mulligan can cut off this infantry's escape route.
And he can still one-shot transport copters in style. Well done, Mulligan.
It was also about this time that I realise how I can defend that island with just Gareth.
The answer is "just make another unit to sit on the airport". So, hey, the Rose Rank is back as a copter! She will proceed to do nothing for the rest of this map.
Gareth shoots the infantry. They deserve it.
Solid damage, as always. We can take them next turn; one threat sorted out.
Now onto the rest...
First, Larry removes this thorn in his side.
He deserved the kill, the fucking thing had been shooting at him for like four days now.
Arthur did a thing!
Two cities left.
Harvey drops Barold off on this northern city. Thank goodness I brought him along - this saved me a day or two.
Dave makes a start on this other city. Come on... just get it over with already.
I'd rather not have this mech damage my infantry and make it take longer to capture these cities, so Lucy does what she does best.
Kanbei's turn. Take a wild guess at how much useful stuff he does.
It was none. No useful stuff.
Meanwhile, on my day, where cool stuff happens, cool stuff happens.
Rose flatly refuses to fight Yellow Earth soldiers who pose no threat, so Gareth has to take the kill here.
And he deserved it, really. Well done for defending our territory, my man.
...Reminds me of Barry.
Larry can kill this mech - Lucy would be overkill.
Nice job. That's basically everything threatening dealt with now.
I decide that Lucy needs to bomb more things, though. I've had to wait a long fucking time to get my sweet child back out in the field - the least they can do is let me bomb things with her for a bit longer.
It makes me happy, what can I say.
Another capture done, thanks to Dave - one more to go. Come on, Barold!
Rose goes to do this, mostly because I'm bored.
"I find this most distasteful. Let us be done with this already." Rose sighs.
"We'll be done soon! But we have to do our best for my dude!" Lucy says brightly.
Day 11... I am cutting it fine.
The tank attacks Rose. But we already know how this plays out.
Yada yada bro copters yada hard counter.
At the realisation that there are air units near the mainland, these three anti-airs go absolutely nuts and charge us down. Unfortunately for them, we're gonna be done pretty soon.
And when I say pretty soon...
I meant it. Pack it up, Kan my man, you're done.
BY THE POPE!
Yeah that was embarrassing.
I'm pleased I managed this, honestly. First-time, too! It's been a while since I beat a mission on my first playthrough of it.
The location was so poor that it considers water a luxury and lives in a cardboard box.
There it is, the glorious victory. Not bad, Dipshit. Not bad at all.
Dipshit's bloodlust is apparently never sated. But hey, S-rank.
And more coins. I checked out some of the options on the menu the other day, actually. Gonna be saving my coins for purchasing some of the COs, I think. Also, a quick question for those who have played the game before/don't care about spoilers: I also discovered what you have to do to unlock Nell. Would people want me to play the Wars Room missions a) off-camera, b) alongside regular updates or c) after the campaign?
Because he's an idiot.
That too. That really has not helped him, but hey, it has been good for comedy value.
That's... that's not how this works at all. Reminds me of that one meme... hold on a sec.
Another strong contender for kanbei.png. Anything where you can tell that his brain is still buffering counts, I think.
Ooh, interesting. I wonder what Sonja's whole deal is? I'm guessing that as the Grit to Kanbei's Olaf, it'll be something annoying and Fog of War related.
I mean, we've gone three missions without Fog of War now. Intelligent Systems are physically incapable of having more than three maps without Fog of War, so it's gotta be coming soon.
Kanbei's brain stops buffering and he actually takes part in the conversation now.
She's the CO, Kanbei, it's not like she's in the field herself. You've lost three battles with me now, and have I murdered you yet? No? Exactly.
Sonja will put up with none of Kanbei's shit.
Also, she's talking like she knows what she's doing, which is concerning.
Hey, Kanbei, what's your favourite connective?
Sonja looks desperately for Kanbei's stress medication.
Ah, interesting. I wonder if this'll actually factor into gameplay, where the first map against her won't be too tough because she's being careful? We'll have to see.
I've taken several unnecessary risks in my time. Like, "hey let's LP Advance Wars blindly and try not to let anyone die"
I like Sonja. I think I've said this before, but she's interesting, and in terms of "competent person in a position of leadership" she's the most convincing CO we've met so far. As in, the CO who actually deserves her position.
Ah, Terminator. Good reference, but I prefer Die Hard, at least the first two.
Alright, so next time, we'll choose between-
...Uh. Looks like we get Max for this one.
The Barracks: Lucy and Michael 1
Hey, Michael, I want some biscuits and I cant reach the top shelf in the kitchen Lucy says as she walks into Michaels room. Wilbert is nowhere to be seen, and Michael hurriedly tries to switch his TV off. Its too late, however, as Lucy peers over and sees what he is watching.
Oh my god
I dont actually like it, I just watch it ironically, gabbles Michael, fiddling desperately with the remote. Oh, god
Is this Tabitha High?! Lucy exclaims in a high-pitched squeal. She hops onto the bed beside Michael. This is my favourite show! Its so trashy, but man, I just love it.
Huh. Michael replies. I guess that makes sense, you are the right gender and age for this kind of thing. I try not to tell people that I watch it, but... I just cant get enough.
Hey, its cool. You dont have to be a certain gender or age to enjoy what you enjoy, Michael! You wanna watch this for a bit?
Michael smiles at the girl, her eyes shining brightly, and he nods. Yeah, that sounds fun. We have to turn it off if Wilbert comes back, though; he hates this show.
In that case, why not drop by my room instead? Cassandra doesnt mind us watching TV; she says she isnt interested but Im certain shes been watching it out of the corner of her eye! Lucy said, leaping from the bed and racing across the room. Tired out simply from watching her, Michael takes his time getting out of bed and switching the TV off.
Alright, that sounds good. he says, following Lucy out of the room. They converse as they walk down the corridor.
Im guessing you ship Aiden and Kali? Lucy says. Hes the only good werewolf in the entire show!
Yeah, but after Kali murdered Aidens dad and framed that bitchy girl, uh...
Yeah, Jessica, I dont think Aidens going to like her much. He knows it was her, after all. Michael replies, grinning. Its been a long time since he was able to so openly talk about his interests. Oh, yeah, did you want me to get you those biscuits?
Yes! Lucy shouts, punching the air. Youre the best, Michael!"