The Let's Play Archive

Advance Wars

by cosmicPostman

Part 37: Up Ship Creek Without A Paddle

PART 37 - Up Ship Creek Without A Paddle



May as well skip the dialogue. We've seen it. And there's a lot of screens today; just under 200 to be exact. On with the actual gameplay, quick-like!

Barold heads into the Rin Roundup.

And so does Von Panzer.

And we drop them off over here. So what's the strategy for this map, you ask? Well, the objective is to take more control down south, since that's where most of Drake's men are. We need to take control of the southern area - we won't be able to fully capture it, but the goal is to hold it for long enough to capture all the buildings in the north.

Vladimir heads into Michael...

Who Russian-dolls his way into the Balthazar Boat - he'll be heading south with our armada.

Now is the time to get our David Botes southward. We’ve got some ships to sink.

Yada yada yada, we'll skip Drake's dialogue too.

This time, there's still plenty of ominous moving in the darkness, but we get this brief shot of a tank. Fun fact: in the playthrough, it moved so fast through the fog that I couldn't see what it was until I was taking screenshots in post.

However, nothing is actually in range to attack us. So, onwards!

You know what? I am. Got lots of advice from all my wonderful readers, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or where Drake's botes are, and I'm ready to roll!

I... yeah, I am. I know.

When am I NOT in command?

We make a start on the bases. No more waiting around this time - the quicker we get bases, as Paul.Power has so often reminded me, the quicker we make a shitload of infantry and mechs to capture stuff.

And whilst Barold does that, Von Panzer heads south to block off this forest - I want an early warning on any of Drake's surprise tanks this time, and Von Panzer is the tankiest, uh, tank, that we have up here.

Rin returns to the island. She needs to pick up either of the remaining foot soldiers and the Fred Fusiliers, as they'll also be required down south. The south requires the bulk of your forces, because Drake has a hell of a lot of ships and land units alike, whilst you can get away with just a few units in the north since all they need to do is capture buildings and fight the odd tank. Mechs and Von Panzer can take on anything that heads up there.

In you get, Alfonse.

The botes are almost there. I know Drake has some ships near here, though, since they reached me by day 3 last time. Moving forward carefully, I park the Selena Set at the port. We'll capture it later, but for now, we'll make use of the defence bonus in case anything comes to bother me.

Oh, fuck, botes

It occurs to me that subs are effective against subs, so I'll put Francis here. Maybe the sub will fire on it like it did last time.

And I need to keep my landers safe, too. Gotta get them to port as soon as possible. Hide, Balthazar!

And by putting Lloyd here, he can happily fire on most of the island.

Alright, there might actually be combat in this turn. Here we go.

Theeeeeere's capturiiiiiiiing!


Oh, look, the sub did the stupid thing.

Yep, that worked out for me. Excellent.

OK, the battleship decided to move closer instead of attacking. That's... not going to work out well for it, but hey, I'm not complaining.

Also, I don't think it showed up in that turn, unless it was fast, but there's an artillery unit here now.

But hey, it's not too much of an issue.

One base down! The ant farm is ready to deploy legions of dudes!

...Not that I HAVE legions of dudes, but eh.

Fuck this sub in particular.

Well done, Lloyd. We just need to get rid of all the ocean-dwelling motherfuckers and the land-based battles should be much easier.

Selena starts to bully the battleship.

Some more helpful commenters explained that Drake doesn't actually get a damage bonus, but a defence bonus to his naval units. Which explains why we're not doing all that much damage.

The Marcus Men follow up.

Nice work. This thing is basically harmless now, and we can easily kill it with either sub next turn.

One last thing: I'm nervous about the possibility of cruisers in the fog, so I'm sending Francis down here. At the very least he'll make it a more circuitous trip if any cruiser does want some submarine gonads.

As Rin heads down to join us, Balthazar drops off his pals at the port - Tina's ready for some action!

And it's Drake's turn, so action is probably coming soon. This could be interesting.

Every godforsaken time.

This bullshit happens again.

No no no stop it stop it

And some of his dudes capture some things.

I was briefly panicked by what was firing on Michael...

...Until I remembered that this dick was one 1 HP.

Surprise tank! But he went for Von Panzer instead of literally anyone else, so hey, he did his job.

MVP stands for Most Von Panzer.

Oh hello cruiser

Good to know Francis didn't even stop you


"Well, seems I'm the one getting... heheh... fucked." sighs Marcus, watching the pressure of the sub fail as he hears water rushing in behind him. "Sorry, guys. Looks like I won't be able to follow you around making sexual comments anymore..."

"Oh noooooooo." says Lloyd sarcastically. "Oooh, that's too bad. I mean, it ain't fair that he got sunk, but let's be real..."

"Funny how we've become somewhat immune to loss since joining the army." Balthazar replies. "You either take deaths as well as Tina, murdering everything in sight, or they're as meaningless to you as last week's rations. No in-between."

This artillery shows up too, because Drake doesn't want me to have any fun.

Right. Time to murder the last of the botes and make a start on the mainland.

Huh. I have my CO power, but it's not terribly useful to me at the moment.

Nice to have, anyway. Now that we're here, it's time to start removing the dudes trying to capture stuff. Lloyd can help with that.

Lloyd's a very helpful guy if you're looking to get hit with missiles from 2-6 tiles away.

And now we can have Tina go for the artillery. I'd rather not have this thing around for longer than it should be.



Whatever. Barold, capture more things. Specifically, the other base.

On his last legs, Von Panzer won't be able to do all that much. Hm.

Well, let's get Gareth into the field, anyway.

Ooh, and actually, if I move Von Panzer up here, the tank should only be able to target Gareth. Which should help.

Balthazar heads down here to block off the cruiser from killing Selena.

Thinking about it, I want to block off anyone from heading north. Michael can sit and take hits for a while.


I don't even care. Don't even care.

Alright, bitches, Alfonse and Fred have landed. Your asses are mine.

Speaking of asses being mine...

Selena sinks the battleship. Now the ocean is a little bit safer.

And it's this guy's turn again.

He does the capturing thing. Boy, COs love capturing things.

And now because Tina got interrupted by a trap, this monkeyfucking artillery is going to shoot her full of holes. Urgh.


But hey, this baiting went well! So that's good.

This thing is so unbelievably dead next turn you don't even know.

The rest of Drake's turn is what I'm affectionally referring to as "the dudepile".

No rain yet? How curious. Ah well.

We've got stuff to kill.

And Fred very much enjoys killing.

Meanwhile, the Gareth Group continues to shoot this tank. He'll get to work on capturing in just a moment, but this is important.

And now, even our weakened Von Panzer can finish it off. Teamwork is fun, guys.

Nice work, Von Panzer. OK, for the love of god, let's actually start capturing properties.

Both bases down!

Down here, meanwhile, the Lloyd Lads prepare to help.

I'm concerned that the mech can do some damage to the Tina Team, so I want to weaken it.

Alright, we're safe.


Then I had a genius idea. All we need to do is move Rin down here...

And we can do a good ol' Fire Emblem archer trap. Excellent. Fuck you, cruiser. Fuck you in particular.

And in the meantime, we set the Alfonse Alliance on capturing this port. I'd like to be able to refuel my subs.

Sub. One died. I forgot.

Michael decides to drop Vladimir off over here. We may as well capture these cities whilst we're here and have time.

Tina shoots someone. This isn't an uncommon thing, I don't know why I'm mentioning it like it's a surprise.

Now if I'd said "Tina deals with her emotional problems effectively without using the medium of violence", that would have been something worth noting.

But I digress. This guy's on 1 HP now, and he won't be able to capture this base.

Which is good, since we want it.

Fay Dive.

This guy jumps up....


This amused me greatly.

This guy is more of a threat, however. We'll need to kill him.

Oh, right, the artillery. That shouldn't be able to kill, Vlad's good.

Ah, dammit, it restored 2 HP. Vladimir is down low enough that he'll take three turns to capture now, I'm pretty sure. How annoying.

Meanwhile, this infantry thinks he can attack my rockets.

Oh, he does actual damage. I wasn't expecting that.



"Ve just... ve vant to know!" shouts Vladimir as the cannon fire rains down. "Did ve... did ve help?"

"You were so helpful." Gareth says. "Rest well, Vladimir. Rest well..."

God damn it.

Or, in the immortal words of Goofy, “fu-hyuck you”.

Say Dicks.

So, during all the panic of that last turn rip vladimir some of the infantry joined. Let's put a stop to their base-capturing ways right away.

And when I say "right away", I mean "bombs away".

The Fred Fusiliers, meanwhile, are going to continue harassing this artillery. It helped kill Vladimir. It must go.

Almost... if it would just stop regaining HP already.

Tina shoots some infantry. She's probably feeling a bit defensive after taking so much damage.

"I'm still the strongest!" Tina shouts. "You underestimate me, you die! Get it?"

"Wilbert really has his hands full, doesn't he..?" murmurs Alfonse, staring at the incensed Tina on the field outside the port. "Well, the port's captured. I... I did my part!"

Up north, meanwhile, we need to clear out this guy sitting on the city.

Look live, boys, we got ourselves a city sitter.

Barold starts on the port. There's still a lot of stuff to capture up here.

Alright, everyone! Get off your vehicles and pretend to be infantry/mechs so that I don't have to invent new characters!

Hey, look, it's Rose But As A Mech.

And the Dave Division!

"Been a while." mutters Dave. "Right, we're just getting territory? On it."

Day 6 brings with it a shower of rain. Fun times. This is another thing my commenters corrected me on - rain lowers vision in Fog of War as I thought, but it also reduces movement.

This guy's still trying his best.

This guy is being very irritating, though. We are definitely going to shoot him. And not in the camera way.

Though I guess a screenshot is me shooting him..? Hm.

The capturing continues.

And we reveal the mech. Apparently vision is very low in rain, so even being two spaces away, I couldn't see this guy. But he's here, and we'll shoot him next turn. It's chill.

Barold finishes capturing the port and readies himself to take on more cities.

"I hope they're holding everything down south! Last thing we need is to screw up here." he says, shivering. "Ugh, rain..."

"I like the rain. We don't see much of it in Yel- my home." Rose murmurs.

"I think they're doing fine. I mean, we've not heard anything over the transceiver - no news is good news, right?" Dave replies.

Last but not least, we bring out Wilbert, without his signature artillery.

We don't really need any more units, so the other base is used to heal Von Panzer. He might need to take out that mech, what with the defence bonus of cities and all.

Lloyd opens fire on the APC, mostly since he has nothing else to do. It's not terribly useful, I'll admit.

But hey, whatever.

Hm... I'd like to make this a little more efficient. Let's move Fred to safety...

The forest should be good. Nobody will see him there.

Man, randomly firing on APCs and hiding rockets in forests? What am I, the Advance Wars AI?

I think it's rubbing off on me.

Alfonse heads out to shoot some infantry units.

This is efficient! You'll see why in a sec.

See, rather than attack that 1 HP infantry with Tina, if I take it out, Tina can go for the mech, which needs more damage to be defeated.

Excellent. We can capture this base now. The southern area is looking far less threatening - took long enough.

And our dear sweet Selena can rest in port. As usual, she did a brilliant job out there.

Why am I getting tingling "CO power" feelings?

Oh, never mind. Just a feeling. We'll get that back shortly.

Oh, hi, that artillery from ages ago is still hanging around. Where the hell did he get to?

I was panicked for a moment but

It's just Michael. Godspeed, you eject-button-hitting bastard.

Up here, a cruiser shows up. It has a while before it reaches Selena, though, and I expect to be done with this map shortly.

Provided nothing else fucks up.

"Phew, that's better." Selena sighs. "This wasn't a tough battle, but... I'd appreciate a break soon."

Capture capture capture


Alright, come on, uh... Gareth? Yeah, this is Gareth. Go shoot dudes.

Nice. OK, we can capture that after.

Von Panzer discovered the location of the artillery, anyway. We'll have to interrupt the capturing to go shoot it, but it'll help in the long run.

Good riddance. What an absolute annoyance that thing was.

Speaking of annoyance, Lloyd Lads. Please murder this.

I mean, he's not annoying, but he has the potential to be now that he won't be distracted by Michael.

But Tina's got this.

Even at 4 HP, she cleans up.

Come on, Alfonse. You can do it. I have a moderate amount of belief in you.

Meanwhile, the capturing up here is going well.

Day eight. Deight. Date. There's a joke there somewhere.

This guy makes a beeline for Alfonse.

Nice and symmetrical. It's kind of satisfying.

Let us continue killing all the things.

Fire, Lloyd!

Boom. He's no longer a threat. Not that he was much of one anyway.

Alfonse did it! We're all proud of him. I'm wiping away a proud fatherly tear right now, I swear.

I don't know why I still treat Alfonse like a kid. He proved his worth during that Eagle map, and has been pulling his weight ever since.

That cruiser is getting closer now, though. Just, uh... hide in that reef, Selena. You'll be fine.






And, like all COs in the lategame of a mission, Drake does nothing this turn except move stuff about ominously in the fog.

So, hey, let's finish this.

I don't need to use this, but I'm going for style points.

There we go. Drake is done.

This map wasn't too bad, actually. This was my third attempt - without looking at any guides or maps online, too. I'm obviously pretty grateful for everyone who was commenting their advice, though! Wouldn't have managed it without you guys.

It sure was. Well done to everyone on this map, especially Selena, Lloyd and Alfonse. Tina, also, obviously. That goes without saying.

Why are people always so chill about it when we beat them? Like, didn't you want to see if we were "blackhearted" or something?


Andy’s Stupid Question Count: 10

No fucking shit.

YOU have questions? I've had questions since the end of the Blue Moon arc, when the plot got stupid unfocussed and nothing happened.

Of course you will. I bet we'll fight for no reason, too.


...I... what?

This line confuses me. Is this a mistranslation? Is Andy referencing people thinking Sami is a dude?

I don't get it.

Me and Sami are on the same page, as usual. Tsunami is nonsense.

I mean, OK, it's not that bad, but it looks really threatening, and I don't like fear tactics.

Also, another S rank. Just a shame we lost a couple of units doing it...

Apparently the Greco-Roman Pantheon is canon to Wars World. Makes sense, though, considering how much the Romans enjoyed conquering shit.

Eagle is pretty irked as usual.

Why? We're not here to fight you? If you retreat, we won't fuckin' fight you.

Drake has a moment of introspection.

Very wise words for a Lovecraftian deity pretending to be a sailor.

I'm onto you, Drake, if that is your real name...

Except for that mission where we did.

"Oh, wait, no, that was me attacking Andy, I'm an idiot."

Unfortunately, Eagle is not that bright.

These reveals would be much more exciting if we had any idea what was going on. I feel like Orange Star are fashionably late to the plot; we keep turning up AFTER all the intrigue and mystery has already happened.

I don't fuckin' know, Eagle. Apparently Sherlock Drake over here will explain.

Of course it is. That makes all of the sense.

Hm. I guess this mystery villain is masquerading as Orange Star? I don't know. I guess we'll find out if the game ever bothers to tell us.

But hey, that's the end of the map, and this is a long as hell update already! But hey, I figured you guys deserved one.


We have three more missions to play. Are we going with Little Caesars, McDonald's or Wendy's the next map?


The Barracks: Mulligan and Cassandra 2

There’s a knock on the door. Cassandra is somewhat surprised, and looks up to see Mulligan entering.

“Mulligan…?” she says. There’s a hint of confusion in her voice.

“…Cassandra, can we talk for a moment?”

“Of course.” Cassandra replies. “I wasn’t expecting you to come talk to me.”

“I’ve been thinking about what happened. And it’s wrong of me to make you suffer alone. You weren’t the only one at fault.”

Cassandra opens her mouth, but falls silent as Mulligan continues to talk, looking at the ground with sadness.

“We were all told to watch for enemy units. We put that job on you, but we should have all done our part before we flew. We knew it was going to be a dangerous mission. But you were so competent, so strong… so determined.”


“We got complacent.” Mulligan says. “That’s the truth.”

Cassandra begins to play with her hands, not sure what to say.

“I got complacent. I’m always talking about second chances, but the one person I never felt I could grant that chance to was, well, myself.”

“When you said you needed time, that was for yourself, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Mulligan replies. “I needed to forgive myself. But now, here on our home turf, fighting the army we once would have given our lives for… puts everything into perspective. Battles are getting tougher. I want to trust you again.”

“That’s all I’ve wanted, brother.” Cassandra says, reaching out for Mulligan. “Siblings by war and bonds, if not by blood. I’ve missed you so.”

“Same here. Cassandra, I’m sorry. I’ve always held that I could give someone a second chance, but never a third. But I should never have turned my back on you. If I only ever give someone a third chance, it should be you. Because you gave me so many chances.”

Cassandra cannot hold herself back any more, and throws her arms around Mulligan.

“My best friend… thank you. We will succeed together!”

“Heh, we will.” Mulligan murmurs, grinning to himself. “God, the kids are rubbing off on us, aren’t they? Thought I’d be a hardarse forever, but… eh.”

Cassandra chuckles. “You pretend to be nice, but come on, Mulligan. You love them like family, don’t you? Alfonse in particular seems to be blooming thanks to your input.”

“…Eh, I suppose so.” Mulligan says. “Anyway. Shall we get a coffee? We have a lot of catching up to do.”

“We do.” Cassandra says. She smiles, and clutches Mulligan tightly, refusing to let him go this time.