The Let's Play Archive

Advance Wars

by cosmicPostman

Part 48: This Is The Perfect Day To Die

PART 47 - This Is The Perfect Day To Die

Welcome to Orange Star HQ, folks! We're just a little ways away from the battlefield today, but my loyal army is off to fight Sturm under Dipshit's, uh, "tactical genius". Let's see how they get on.

Really wish I could've come along...

Y'know, a classy game would have made Mission 20 the final battle, but whatever.

Jesus FUCK that's a lot of dudes. And several bases/airports, too?

...Wow, Dipshit is boned. He's not got nearly enough to deal with this.

Oh, it's Grit. What's up?

And you, the idiot who dragged us all into this mess in the first place. God damn it, Sonja.

I see you too are familiar with the old Joestar family technique.

That was your own fault. Wasn't the whole point of your involvement in the plot figuring this guy's strengths and weaknesses out? Or did you just figure out who was doing all this and then stop researching?

"...really angry when they find out that I screwed up."

He's RIGHT THERE, Dipshit. Who else?! Fuckin-

Andy’s Stupid Question Count: 11

Honestly, looking at Sturm's forces, it seems like we're in for a rough time if we stick around. Well, I'm safe at HQ. THEY'RE in for a rough time.


Well I never. Dipshit has an actual backbone, and is brave!

...Or stupid. Brave or stupid, and considering the mountain of evidence we have... I think this is him being stupid again.

Grit, god damn it, I respected you until you said those horrible words.

It's true that this guy's engineered a huge war, but are we confident we can beat him?

...I have a nasty feeling that everyone's going to die.

Oh, and Eagle too. This really is getting the whole gang together, huh?

So where the hell is Olaf? He literally dropped off the face of the planet after we beat Blue Moon. Is he Sturm? God, can you imagine. What a plot twist that would be.

Hey it's this gal

"Yeah, Sami, that invading army was tough but then I remembered that my bombers oneshot everything and I have the most overpowered CO power in the game, so it kinda worked out."

Oh, god, Sami. Remember what I said about caring about Eagle being your worst trait? Stop it.

Eagle is a man of action, who has no time for the romantic aspirations of his mortal nemeses.

Oh, wait... if Eagle and Grit are here, does that mean-

Oh my god are Eagle and Grit on this map

The two units I have previously described as "the only competent COs in the game"

You're all going to die without my tactical knowledge!

So, yes, welcome to the Final Battle. This map is an absolute motherfucker, and as we're about to see with Dipshit's attempt at it, it's pretty clear why. However, Grit and Eagle do come along! Unlike Andy Times Two!, where Eagle was AI controlled, you actually get to control the other two COs, and the COs you get for the final map are dependent on which missions you complete during the campaign. (You get stuck with Dipshit regardless. Believe me, I wish it wasn't so.)

Someone more knowledgeable on the game can better explain which choices gave me Grit and Eagle, so I'll leave it to the goons. But yeah, turns out your votes for each character on each map wasn't just a random bit of thread participation, but crucial to the outcome of the final battle! That was interesting.

Unfortunately, I am not on this map, so what we're about to watch is Dipshit when he doesn't have my strategy and tactics to guide him. Spoilers, it's gonna be messy.

The first thing Dipshit notes, which I also noticed, is that Sturm has what I call the opening gambit. Two fighters and two bombers, on the left and right of the map, equals eight planes, which charge your units on the first turn. Not consistently, annoyingly, but the majority usually go for you. I'll explain this map's quirks in more detail on my successful run which will hopefully be next week, provided I manage it...

Alfonse and Howard begin capturing the base and airport. That does make sense, to be fair, I'd have done the same. Dipshit's gonna need a lot of units and money to even stand a chance against Sturm.

This is his setup at the end of the turn. The anti-airs, Carl and Cassandra, are likely going to face the rightmost part of the opening gambit. Mulligan can kinda cover both sides from that position, and Tina and Dave are likely going north to hold the bridges. It's not a bad idea, certainly.

Surprise! Now we get to see what Grit's gonna do. I mean, if he's anything like the Grit we know and, uh, tolerate, he's going to move his artillery in incomprehensible ways.

Thanks Grit

He just kinda bunches his units up north. I'd love to tell you what their names are, but unless I go out to the battlefield myself and find out, I won't know. But ah well.

...Man, I wish I was at the final battle. I can help! I know I can!

Grit makes an APC, also.

Sure, I guess?

It is now the turn of Eagle. For once, that's not a bad thing.

Eagle, we're all going to die if you don't win

Well, here's the time to regain your edge. Crush everything with your units!

During his movement, Eagle makes an APC. This time, he makes an infantry to go along with it! The great thing about Eagle is, well, air superiority and Lightning Strike. The bad thing about Eagle is that he doesn't start with a captured airport, so you have to get north ASAP to capture the nearest one and begin churning out the bombers.

As we have established in Enigma, churning out bombers is the best way to beat a map.

Eagle's other infantry captures a nearby building. The other thing you need for lots of bombers is money. 7 starting properties is not going to be enough.

This is how Eagle's forces gather. I can't blame them for just kinda huddling up. We still have no idea how Sturm's forces are intending to approach. Hopefully they don't just all rush them, but...

Oh, god, here we go. Hang in there, Dipshit, Grit, Eagle. You can win this, even without me.


"...didn't even bring their best and most attractive ACO to the battlefield!"

That's what he said, I swear. I'm not putting words in his mouth. This is canon.

That statement has a worryingly immense "rush them" energy.

Everyone on this battlefield is so, so boned.

The opening gambit advances, and as you can see here, so does most of his fucking army. They're already at the bridge on day 1, god damn.

And just for shits and giggles, he makes four infantry and a bomber.

cool thanks sturm

OK, Dipshit. This is rough but you can do it, I swear. Probably. Don't do anything stupid.

Mulligan targets one of the fighters.

Direct hit.

Tina, meanwhile, has quite a lot of damage on her hands.

What's 50% of 'shitloads'? That's about how much damage she did.

Base and airport captured! Nice job, Dipshit.

Carl heads up to cover the one bridge that Tina and Dave didn't blockade. Cassandra, meanwhile, targets this fighter.

It goes pretty well. Units on 2HP flee, right?

Dipshit what are you doing with-

...Acceptable, carry on.

And he makes an APC.

And... another one. Two APCs. Alright, sure.

Grit, do something useful, please.

His infantry hops into the APC. Unfortunately he can't move it north until he gets the rest of his units out of the way, and to do that he needs to get the planes out of the way.

So, hey, let's do that.

That's satisfying to watch. Do it again!

There we go!

Yeah, fuck you and your planes, Sturm.

Everything heads northward to hopefully advance on Sturm's forces via the left flank.

Eagle Day 2: More Eagles

Eagle and Grit just seem to be copying each other.

Because Eagle also decides to just oneshot the bombers.

Master of the skies, ladies and gents. (Don't tell him about Max's direct combat boost.)

But hey, even Eagle's ground units are giving it a go.

I mean, they're killing 2HP fighters, but it's something, at least. They've almost completely cleared up the opening gambit!

His little dude finishes doing some capturing, too.

This is his setup by the end of the turn.

And the bomber heads north to, uh, bomb stuff, I guess.

OK, this is going to be rough.

Wait, does he have-








My god, that's a monstrous CO power. I knew Sturm was going to have something bullshit, but that? THAT? That was bullshit. And guess what? All of his units get an attack bonus, too.









Boy, that was rough. Thank god I ordered everyone to retreat if they got injured before the battle began. Nobody actually died, but man... that was a close one. Dipshit! You're outmatched, get out of there!

Come on, there's no coming back from this.

oh god dammit dipshit

Decent damage, but what's the point? You're fighting the tide at this point. You ever tried to fight an ocean? Doesn't work. I can assure you.

He sends units south to capture the buildings, too. Why the hell is he still trying?



And Grit’s been pretty much shut down, my god. I can’t watch any more. Highlight reel, please, Lucy!

Capturing is not a highlight, Lucy. Try again.

-----------~~~~THE LL LOG~~~~-----------

hi guys! i'm lucy, back to cover the remainder of this battle!

my dude said he was pretty confident that the cos would lose without him. that's why he told us to retreat when we were in a bad situation, so we can take a mulligan on this battle with sturm!

it's a good job he did. for every kill that we got, like this..!

we lost two of our own! oh no!

sturm's forces were pretty much in control of the middle territory. it wasn't great!

eagle decided to use his secret weapon: lightning strike!

man, eagle's so cool. "take this!!!" i wish i could say something that cool when i'm fighting my mortal enemy!

i wish i could use lightning strike, too! my dude says it's "stupidly overpowered", which sounds like a good thing to me!

he also said "it's like every unit gets a dancer, this is why FE only gives you one dancer per game" which i totally didn't understand. i don't get him sometimes, he talks like he's from somewhere completely different!

my dude was watching the battle at this point, and when he saw this, he just spat out his chocolate milk and said "ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME, IT DOESN'T BLOODY WORK ON INFANTRY?" (i'm not allowed to swear.)

day 5! it still wasn't going very well by this time, but the 5 looks really dynamic here, don't you think?

the last of the soldiers retreats, but...

sturm hunted them down! he's real mean, and he knows good strategies!

we lost! just like that. i don't believe it!

the other cos didn't do so well either.

once he saw that andy had been beat, grit also threw in the towel! i can't blame him, really!

all the army exploded when grit yielded. maybe they were smoke bombs to get away!

gosh, eagle was also defeated. that didn't go well at all!

nell's right! we need to work together, and for that, there's one person we need. my dude!

let's do it right next time! we're not giving up just yet!

my dude looked pretty upset. he left the hq shortly after.

-----------~~~~END LL LOG~~~~-----------

That was pretty rough. The army's regrouped further down, ready to try again, and I decide to head down there and see what morale's like. I can't imagine they're doing to well, facing their first defeat on the entire campaign. We're waiting to hear back from high command about what to do, but we've only got a few hours before Sturm decides to just advance and crush us.


Nell walks into high command, looking calm and collected. Her voice, however, is icy; cutting like a knife, she speaks.

“Why haven’t you given the order for my dude to join Andy and the other COs? There isn’t much time left, and they need him.”

“We’re not sure about him, Nell. He’s erratic. Stupid, frankly.” says one of the shadowy men in high command. He straightens out some documents and holds his glasses in front of his face to read. “…the monthly reports show he’s incredibly average. Not incredibly talented for an ACO, not completely useless.”

“Why, his only redeeming attribute is his minimal losses.” says another suit. “We don’t want to avoid loss, we have plenty of conscripts in waiting - we want results.”

“He can do this. In fact, I think he’s the only one that can do this.” Nell says. Her brows are lowered thunderously and somehow, she’s managing to glare at every single person in the room without moving her head an inch.

“His own reports are under par, too. He constantly writes lengthy essays on his soldiers and their mental states. I don’t care about “Lucy” and what she’s up to; I care about Bomber C-0820 and the current state of repair it’s in.” drawls another particularly repulsive member of high command.

“He’s talented. I trained him myself, and he never put a foot wrong. He’s got what it takes.”

“What are you willing to put on that statement, Nell, to give it some weight?” booms the man directly opposite Nell, narrowing his eyes at her.

“A CO’s judgement - especially a CO as senior as myself - should be weight enough.” Nell replies evenly.

“So… they say a CO’s judgement is never wrong.” the man replies silkily. “Tell me, Nell… if it does so happen that you’re wrong, I suppose we shouldn’t continue employing you as a CO anymore, correct?”

The room is silent. Nell is taken aback, but her worry lasts for the briefest of moments.

“Indeed.” she says. “I’m not scared by such a threat. My dude will not fail you.”

“…Fine. Send the order, then.” another man says. “Let’s see if he really is the best commander to pin our hopes on.”


The transceiver crackles, and I grab it - I’ve been waiting for any sign of communication for a few hours now.

“I spoke to high command. You’ve got the order. Move in and join the COs, my dude.”

I stare at the oncoming army, then back at the transceiver. “God, seriously? Never thought anyone would trust me with this kind of battle. What kind of strings did you have to pull to get me this gig, Nell?”

“I… staked my career on your victory.”

The transceiver goes dead, and I gulp.

If I fuck up, she’ll never love me. She’ll barely be able to look at me. The world is about to fall into ruin - you’d think that’s more than enough motivation, and yet the only thing I can think about is Nell’s smiling face when I come back victorious.

I pocket the transceiver. Biggest battle of my damn life, and in more ways than one.

“Alright, everyone, form up! Move out! We’ve got a battle to win, and this time, I’m taking charge!” I yell. “Nobody holds back! This is for the world! For Orange Star!"

“FOR ORANGE STAR!” shout the army in unison. Even the Blue Moon and Green Earth armies join in on the battle cry, and for a moment, I realise just how important this victory is to everyone.

“…Until we meet again.” I say, but only to myself, still staring at the tidal wave of military machinery coming towards our motley army.


The Barracks: Cassandra and Lucy 3

“Oh, hey, Cassandra! I had something I wanted to ask.”

Cassandra, sat on the other side of the room, looks over at her roommate, the ever-infectiously happy Lucy. “Oh?”

“How did things with Mulligan go? You never did tell me!”

“I spoke to him… it took him a while to forgive me, but we eventually worked things out. And… I must thank you for that.”

“I didn’t even do anything, silly.” Lucy giggles.

Cassandra gives Lucy a warm, genuine smile. “You did. If I hadn’t told you my secret, I would have never worked up the courage to speak to Mulligan and ask for his forgiveness. You… are surprisingly easy to talk to.”

“I get that a lot, actually.” Lucy says, shrugging blithely. “Maybe it’s just because listening to other people’s problems is way easier than focussing on my own problems.”

“What are your problems, Lucy?”

“Oh, the usual stuff.” Lucy grins. “Abusive mother, alcoholic father, still not 100% sure on Ingo’s feelings… just normal teenager stuff!”

“That doesn’t sound all that normal.” mutters Cassandra, concerned. “I am not the best person to come to for advice, but if you need genuine advice, I shall do my best.”

“It’s OK. I’ve been shouldering these problems for a long time.” Lucy replies. “Thank you so much though! We girls have gotta stick together, right?”

She punches the air to punctuate this point.

“We do.” Cassandra says, smiling briefly but then staring at the floor. “I… am only sorry that I might not be around much longer.”
Lucy’s face falls.

“…You’re going back to Green Earth after this?”

“I miss the forests of my home.” Cassandra says. “I have been praying to the Forest of Light, that the goddess may guide me back to Green Earth once this conflict is done.”

“I hope you get there.” Lucy says. “But I must say, I’ve really enjoyed being your roommate!”

“As have I.” smiles Cassandra. “I wasn’t sure about you when we first met, but you are a kind and caring spirit. I am thankful to have met you.”

“Jeez, you’re gonna make me blush.” Lucy replies. “Now then! We gotta do something to celebrate our friendship! Maybe bracelets?”

“Friendship bracelets? …I could give that a go.” replies Cassandra. “That sounds fun.”

“It will be! Lemme just find my arts and crafts supplies!” beams Lucy, leaping up and searching through her drawers. Cassandra watches her, and can’t help but smile.