Part 3: Interview 2 - “Defending The Border” (Or, “Someone Who Doesn’t Fucking Suck”)

Interview 2 - “Defending The Border” (Or, “Someone Who Doesn’t Fucking Suck”)







Yeah, it's about that first battle. Are you sure that’s how Dipshit's first battle in eighteen months went?



Well, I was summing it up for the sake of brevity.



But, yes, he did not fully exceed expectations in his first battle against Flak. The first batch of soldiers were grievously injured.



Oh, for fuck's sake. Nobody I know, right?

Luckily, no.



Andy then found new ways to be atrocious in combat by somehow managing to get his APC to run out of fuel.



The enemy were closing in on the HQ and he was completely powerless. It was...

The funniest thing you've ever seen?



I was going to say embarrassing.



Either way, Nell was unimpressed.

Hahahahahaaaaaaah, Dipshit annoyed Nell. That's what you get for being awful!



Andy also seemed to lose the ability to speak, saying he "though" he saw something rather than "thought".

I'll add "speaking" to the list of things this kid needs to learn to do. We'll put it just above "breathe in and out" and just below "write his own name".





The poor woman grew so frustrated that she, too, broke the fourth wall.



Oh, Nell does that all the time. She has no idea that she's in a game, but... sometimes, I wonder how much she really knows.



Yes you will, Dipshit. You'll mess up over and over and over again, because it's what you do.



So, yes... his first battle left a lot to be desired.





Quite a failure. Nell must have a lot of patience.

I mean, I was pretty shit when I started out. That woman's got the patience of a saint.



He's not even overconfident, he's like, more than that. He's the most self-obsessed braggart I have ever seen.



Like, how do you even manage this?



Nell does offer some sound tactical advice, though.

That's my girl.





Inside, she must be furious.

Oh, without a doubt.



Anyway, are you satisfied?

Yea, but why didn’t you tell me that he did this? It's the best thing I’ve seen all day.

I didn’t think it was relevant to the story.

Dipshit being a dipshit is ALWAYS relevant to the story.



But yes, fine, continue.

Excellent. I travelled north, where I encountered Sami, facing an invading force at the border.



OH FUCK IT'S THE HORRIBLE BABY MAN AGAIN

...I'll warn you in advance next time.

That'd be nice _{i hate this thing}



So this guy's basically Evil Max, is what I'm getting?



I'd argue that Max is a little more intelligent. That said, this thug does understand the benefits of tanks...



He's got some serious issues.



And so, the skirmish began. I hadn't been impressed by Dips- I mean, Andy's performance, but I was looking forward to seeing what Sami could do.



Hey, it's Mr Nameless Soldier!

I told you last time, his name is Carter. Oh, speaking of, I suppose I should give you today's deployments before we begin the mission. We'll meet some new units this time around.

Alright, hit me.

CARTER
Age: 19
Personality: Confident despite inexperience.
Proficiencies: Mech, Missiles, Rockets

LUCY
Age: 17
Personality: Growing up fast.
Proficiencies: Bomber, Fighter, Artillery

INGO
Age: 18
Personality: Defends his friends.
Proficiencies: Artillery, Tank, Bomber

Hey, I recognise those names! Lucy and Ingo, how adorable. Glad to see they're doing OK!

I was quite surprised to see so many young soldiers.





Attacking is usually the best option, yeah. As I was always taught - strike first!



Sami agrees. She evidently knows how to pick her battles.



What? I thought you were on the border? Is he deep in Orange Star or not?



Nell arrived. She wanted to know what was happening.





Sami has yet to grasp that Nell is everywhere and anywhere, all at once.

...Did you just make a joke, Ruin?



_{No. I'm professional.}



Sami can take care of one dude and a couple of tanks. She defeated the entirety of Green Earth, Nell, remember?

Nell can't hear you. This happened months ago.

I knowwwwww.





I'm not sure, but I believe this is the first time in recorded history that somebody requested a tutorial from Nell.



Oh god, Sami, you opened Pandora's Box, run!

The thing is coming up.



GA-

OK, yeah, it was much less horrible now that I was prepared for it.





Either way, it seems Flak also needed a reminder on how to perform basic military manoeuvres.



Why is everyone in the military completely incompetent? Besides, like, me, Sami, Grit and debatably Sonja.



This is important to note, though.



Not for me, though. I know this stuff!



Oh my god he can't even do basic maths. Who the hell hires these people?





TWENTY EIGHT THOUSAND FUNDS PER TURN

Oh my god, my dude, please drop it.



The mission is beginning. Here are the deployments.

TODAY’S DEPLOYMENTS
Fliss, Infantry
Carter, Mech
Michael, APC
Lucy, Artillery
Ingo, Tank

Ingo as a tank? Like Bill and Eric?

Many soldiers' proficiencies are inspired by those they're particularly close to.



"...I don't need to teach you anything! Good luck!"



Wishful thinking, my dude. Wishful thinking.





Ah, my old pal defensive terrain. That's saved more than a few lives over the course of my first campaign.



Really? Is it that useful?

It's the difference between a bomber one-shotting a mech, and having the mech survive. It's life and death, sometimes.



God, I love mountains.

Please stop. You're starting to sound aroused.



I must admit, I was only in Wars World to look for you, but I did end up learning quite a lot about military strategy. I'm not sure if it'll be useful, but new experiences are good.





Hey, I was gonna suggest that! Lucy attacks from the north forest, and Carter attacks from the south. Should do moderate damage to the enemy tank.



Their relationship seems more positive than the one between Andy and Nell.

Sami is very much in the "ass-kissing" group of subordinates.



Fliss heads out to capture the nearby city.



And then Nell started talking whilst she was in mid-capture.

Nell is the best interruptor in the world, I swear. She's never not interrupting you.



But hey, she's not been delivering as much bad news as she usually does. It's been mostly positive so far.





Every CO has their weaknesses, it seems.



Yeah, Sami's are pretty clear. Pro: not Dipshit. Con: not Max.



Max is your favourite, then?

I mean, besides his iffy relationship with Nell in the past, the dude's solid. Hits like a truck, knows what to do, and is the best CO.





My fighting style is "take a mulligan if it goes wrong".

Are you sure you're the best tactician in Wars World?



Metal Gear?



I see what you mean now about currying Nell's favour. She does suck up quite a bit, doesn't she?

No kidding.



Oh dear god, she just keeps on going.



You can't complain, really. Sami did ask for her advice.



It provides money every turn and some defensive bonuses, and heals units on it. Bam. Done.

That's... basically what she's about to say, yes.



In more words, I assume.



Oh yes. Many more words.





Nell is trying so hard not to be super condescending here, and it's really funny.



She seems like a condescending sort.



That said, "deployment properties" is super pretentious. They're bases, Nell, just say bases. Air bases. Bote bases. They're bases.





I-

If you mention Sturm and his number of properties again, I will tase you.



That's police brutality!

Fine, I won't. But you're very annoying.



Anyway, I managed to get my hands on the officer documents. You might find them useful.

Well, I already know Sami's, but I guess I'm intrigued to see what Flak's whole thing is.





Ah, the most useless CO power. I think I used it once to actually win a battle. Besides that, it's never been-



Sorry, WHAT? Plus two movement? Capturing in one turn? What the fuck is this?

The "Super CO Power". At the end of the campaign with Sturm, do you recall the discussions about how to prevent Sturm from being so strong in the future?

Oh, I slept through those meetings. Nell told me bits and pieces.

Well, after you left, the nations finally made a decision. It was agreed that the only CO power on equal strength with Sturm's was Eagle's - Lightning Strike. I believe you used it to defeat Sturm in the final battle, correct?

Oh, yeah. That was basically necessary to beat him.

Precisely. Those CO Powers were beyond the normal CO Powers in terms of raw strength, so they defined those as Super CO Powers. Before Sturm, it was agreed that CO powers could only be moderately strong; however, Sturm ignored those rules and gave himself a much more powerful CO Power - he had no reason to play by the rules of Wars World. So the nations reorganised the way that CO Powers work - now, every officer was allowed to have a CO Power of equal strength to Meteor Strike, which would be a Super CO Power.



Powercreep marches on. So, every CO now has their regular CO Power and a Super CO Power?

Yes. Besides Eagle, who instead treated Lightning Strike as a Super CO Power, and gave himself a regular CO Power. And so, if Sturm ever returned, any CO would be able to stand a chance against him.

Makes sense to me. Anyway, gimme the details on Flak. Let's see if I'm right.



He doesn't have any respect for vegetables, which are a healthy part of any diet.



Huh, I see. I guess he has lower luck than other soldiers, then? Is that what this is trying to say?





His powers sound really terrible. Though I suppose I don't know just how much the amount of damage increases...



And every one of his units receives a boost in attack strength, as you predicted.

Nice.



Anyway, Nell has a little more to say, but first, Sami makes her move. Ingo goes to strike the enemy tank.



"Hey, Lucy! Ingo! Nice to see you!" Michael says, waving from his APC. Lucy squeals and waves back.

"Michael! Hi! I've missed you so much!"

"Same here." Ingo says, grinning at Michael. "Pleasure to see you. You doing alright, Michael?"

"Absolutely. And meet the newcomers here... who are you, again?"



"The name's Carter!" says the mech. He's young and bright-eyed, and he gives a rogueish grin as he introduces himself. "I'm a warrior, a hero - I'm gonna lead you all to victory!"

Ingo tilts his head. "Who does this joker think he is?"



"Apparently, better than us." says Michael, grinning. "Dave's gonna eat this kid alive."

"Oh, definitely. You don't get away with this kind of arrogance around him." Ingo notes.



"I don't know what's got into him..." Fliss murmurs. "We, um, st-studied at the military academy together. He's... never been in a real battle before."

"Shuddup, Fliss!" hisses Carter, then turns back to everyone, trying to retain his composure. "Just watch my power! I'll show you how experienced I am!"





The only infantry allowed to kill tanks around here is Dave.



You'd be surprised. Several COs have been inspired by your "Ultimate Disrespect", I believe your soldiers called it? They try it from time to time.



Holy shitfuck, that's a lot of damage. Did Sami's infantry get buffed?



"Hi, everyone!" Lucy says. "I'm Lucy! I'm just happy to be here. What's your name?"

She looks at Fliss, who blushes nervously. "Oh, um... I-I'm Fliss."

"Well, hey there! I'm really looking forward to fighting alongside you! And it's a pleasure to be back by your side, Michael."

"Definitely." Michael says, grinning. "I've missed you, Luce."

"Aw, I've missed you too!"



Seeing Lucy in an artillery is super weird.



Nell when the fuck are you going to let us get on with the actual mission.





When she's finished.

Yeah, but she's taking foreverrrrrrr





Artillery sure did treat me right when I used them. Best unit in the game.





The amount of Nell-exposition does decrease with each subsequent mission, you'll be pleased to hear.

Thank god.



That reminds me of all the Fog of War maps that had rockets in. That was annoying.



Not long now.





Who the fuck is this tutorial for? Surely it makes sense that the main audience for Advance Wars 2 is people who played Advance Wars 1.

You are asking questions that I cannot answer, my dude.





Either way, Lucy is moved to an advantageous position by the town.

I see. Sami intends to hold that bridge with a mixture of artillery support and tank/mech fire, right?



Precisely. Which is good, because Flak wastes no time in advancing.



Oh, good, he's the sexist one too. Man, I don't think I've hated anyone as much as Flak. Big, inconsiderate dunderhead who doesn't deserve his position, he's sexist, uncaring for his grunts and only mildly invested in Sturm's plan; his main motivation simply seems to be combat for the sake of combat! Urgh. People like him piss me off.



(...Hm. Surprisingly moral. I had believed that all my dudes were arrogant and thoughtless, but perhaps that's only a façade...)



True to his word, he begins capturing the allied property nearby.

Those little space dudes look really silly from the front.



And the tanks advance too. Mm, Sami needs to blockade the bridge this turn.



Yes, but first... more tutorial.



AAAARGH. I've missed Nell so much, but now... every word she says is annoying me.

What do you see in this woman?



I... hm. That's a very good question.



She's hardworking. Devoted, almost, and very professional. I admired that.



Her information is very thorough, but she only goes into so much detail because she sees something in you. When Nell looks at you, it's like she's looking through you - she's seeing the tactician within. She saw potential in me, I think... eventually staking her career on my victory.



But, as I got to know her, I began to see more to her, too. Her vulnerable side.



The side that she never shows. She didn't show me her vulnerabilities lightly. But when she did, I... I had never felt closer to someone than I did in that instant.



She's surprisingly romantic, too. She enjoys taking charge - out of work hours, anyway. Nell and I were professional during the day, but in the evenings, she'd buy me flowers and take me out for dinner... all the things the guy is supposed to do, you know?



Nell is a woman of devotion - to those she loves, to her country and job, to every soldier under her command. She's the calm cliff to my stormy sea.



What do I see in her? I see her heart. She opened her heart up to me, and I will never be the same again.

I...



I had no idea. You really love her... I wish I knew what that feels like.

You've never been in love?

This is your interview, not mine.



If you say so.



And she's still going on. God damn.



This information is somewhat redundant by now.



Go on, Nell. Tell me something I don't know. I dare you.



Never mind, she's just gonna tell us about funds. Christ, Nell, I know what money is. I'm financially responsible!



I've been informed that you spend almost all of your military budget on medium tanks.

Medium tanks are worth every penny.





Admittedly, that bit's valid. I could swear that the first game never tells you that.



Here we go.

Oh, finally.



You were already confident of victory! You beat Green Earth and Fog of War Eagle on your own! Don't pretend like Mr Anti-Feminist over here is a threat!



Yes, anyway... Fliss captures the property. It now plays a small applause fanfare whenever you capture property.

I’m not even going to ask.



The tanks can't reach the town on this turn, so Sami has all the time in the world to set up her defences.



So she moves Ingo to the town to heal that 2 damage?

You're right. Nice job.



Lucy is able to be right next to Ingo, where she can attack anything that comes near.

Makes sense. Man, it's refreshing to watch a CO who actually knows what they're doing.



This trick was quite interesting. Carter hopped into Michael...



Who then dropped him...



...Which moved him one extra space. Nice.



Sami's got more than enough firepower for this bozo now.



…and, of course, there's a booing audience sound effect whenever the enemy capture something.

Is that, like, supposed to be the citizens in the city? I have no idea what's going on here.



And that first tank is smack-bang in the middle of the old murder circle. Excellent.



Sami must work fast to defeat the tanks before the infantry back them up, however.

True.



Still, Lucy is doing obscene damage. I've missed artilleries.



They do seem potent.



Ingo finishes off the tank without breaking a sweat - he's clearly confident.



Hey, that was decent! You’re getting the hang of it.

Thank you. I'm doing my best.



Sami's turn ends with a solid group of units - Carter and Ingo are ready to handle any threat that comes along.





Even with Flak's strength, there's no way this'll kill.



Quite right. It has quite heavily impact Ingo's attacking capabilities, of course...

Eh. Sami has an artillery and mech, she doesn't really need Ingo to do big damage.



The advancing infantry might need to be taken care of, though.



What would you do here?



First things first, go for the tank with the artillery - it's the only threatening thing left.



A good observation. That's precisely what happened.



Oh my god, did she try for the Ultimate Disrespect? At 5%, that's basically guaranteed.



Fliss, unfortunately, does not want to kill if she can help it. She spared the tank.

God damn it, Fliss.



Ingo had to waste his turn finishing off the tank.



Unfortunate, but nothing else could be done.



And then Carter did holy shit why is he doing so much damage



He's just an ordinary mech.

I swear that they weren't this strong before. Sami's mechs definitely got buffed.



I mean, perhaps. I'm not the person to ask.





The enemy infantry assault the kind-hearted Fliss. They, unlike her, have no concept of mercy.



That's just mean. She's a cinnamon roll!



The other infantry wisely decided not to mess with Carter.

I'm sure Carter will be messing with him next turn.





He'll have to - Lucy is no longer in range to attack the remaining foes.



And actually, it's Fliss that messes with this infantry, by striking him down. Carter can defeat the infantry with higher HP - his attack power would be wasted on a 3 HP infantry.



Ah, true. That's pretty good.



Mm, Fliss wouldn't have been able to kill this guy.



Carter does quite a good job, though.



The rest of the units head up to finish off that APC. The map is effectively won, though.

Nice job, Sami. Proud of ya.





Ah, was that a classic "enemy turn where nothing happens"? I've not seen those in a while. I'm sure there'll be plenty more before this campaign is done.



Fliss also begins capturing this property, despite having no purpose to do so. Still, she's doing her best.

I'm proud of her.





Either way, the outcome of this battle is evident.



Lucy destroys the fuck out of the APC...





And then Carter shot it a whole bunch?



Correct.



Oh my god, what is this guy's problem with women?

Speaking as a woman in a position of authority, I am quite irked by this man.



Sami said everything I was thinking.



Pfft, hahah!



I'm sorry, that's the funniest thing I've heard all day. "Yap, yap, yap, shut your trap!" That's got definite meme potential.



...Anyway, they won. That's the important thing.





Rude doesn't even begin to describe it. The dude is a manchild.



Sami is prone to quickly flaring up with anger, I've noticed.

Yeah, she does that. Excellent strategist, though, so we just kind of let her do her thing.



Do it, Sami. I believe in you.





And her rank speaks for itself. An excellent job.





Anyway, that's the conclusion of the next battle.



So, before we end this interview, I suppose you need to tell me more of your story. Correct?

Yeah. Now where was I..?

***

Part 2 Additional