Part 13: Interview 7 - “Battle On The Bridge” (Or, “Well, We Couldn’t Escape Fog Of War Forever…”)
Interview 7 - “Battle On The Bridge” (Or, “Well, We Couldn’t Escape Fog Of War Forever…”)
Alright, what's on the schedule for today?
I... same thing as always. Telling you about the exploits of Orange Star.
Today, the Orange Star forces mount an assault on the hidden Black Hole lab. Fun times.
That either reads as "Lord Flak, it's the Orange Star Army", or he's addressing both Flak and the Orange Star Army. I'd like to imagine it's the latter, if only because that's more entertaining.
Stupidly enough, they had a map.
What do you mean, maybe a map? Who made this map and left it in Orange Star? Why is there an enemy lab in Orange Star anyway? It's probably best not to think about it too hard.
Timed mission? Timed mission.
Oh, 10 days isn't that ba-
You just had to say it. God damn it. This better be a small map.
What does it matter to you? You're not the one doing it. No, but Dipshit is, and Dipshit is useless.
I can't argue with that.
OH YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME. You've encountered this type of fog before? I made a meme to summarise how I feel right now.
...When and how did you make this? You're handcuffed and sat at a desk.
I mean, it's in Fog of War, so actually, it might be a neutral lab and we would never know.
Ah yes, these new weapon designs. Is it more big cannons? Sort of, actually. But more on that later.
Oh, please tell me we switch to Sami instead.
No such luck. We get Dipshit for this map.
Oh, cry me a river, Sami. You only need like four dudes to just T-Copter over there and capture the lab.
To be fair, a guerrilla mission was Sami's original intention.
Nell, you're ruining our fun. Now we have to watch Dipshit do this map.
He seems quite taken with the power of friendship. I've never understood it myself. You don't have friends? I have my sister, Misery. I need no-one else.
...pfft. I bet Misery has friends. Because- Don't.
Misery loves- I am well within my right to tase you.
Misery loves company! God damn it. Can we get on with the map?
Ah, yes, the riveting conversation of Nell trying to explain to a child what Fog of War is. What a map, Ruin.
I thought you'd appreciate a refresher on Fog of War. You haven't encountered it in quite a while. Ruin, almost half of my last campaign was Fog of War. I have seen enough Fog of War to last me a god damned lifetime.
Not fond, I take it?
Just tell me who's deployed today. Ah, yes. Thank you for the reminder. No new allies, today, but here are the deployments.TODAY’S DEPLOYMENTS
Dave, Infantry
Carter, Mech
Michael, APC
Fliss, Tank
Selena, Medium Tank
Lucy, Artillery
Fred, Rockets
Carl, Anti-Air
Von Panzer, Recon
Alright, Nell was blessedly brief in this map, so that's-
FUCKIN- You have an amusing habit of speaking too soon.
Welp, this is taking me back to my very first Fog of War map. ...Fond memories? Oh, absolutely not.
Sigh. She goes on for a while, huh. When does she not, my dude?
I think a Nell tutorial coupled with Dipshit's ridiculous statements is like, maximum annoyance for me.
Nell stop validating him He's not that wrong, in his defence. When was the last time you got murdered with rockets that were in a forest you couldn't see whilst playing hide and seek?
Alright, I'll spare you the rest of the unimportant Fog of War conversation. In order to scout out the area around, Carter heads onto a nearby mountain.
Selena rolls up to the nearby infantry, but doesn't attack. I'd probably have gone to attack it, but an infantry in range of a medium tank on day 1? There's definitely some horrible rockets somewhere. That's what Dipshit's trying to avoid, right? Well, since Dipshit has 
Whoa, Von Panzer just found a whole enemy squadron. Unfortunately, I do believe that infantry is in range of Carl.
Indeed, and we all know what anti-airs do to infantry.
Leave them on 1 HP. Aw, c'mon, that's practically a kill.
Dave is going to be the one assaulting the lab once Selena clears the way, so he hops into Michael to prepare to move.
This artillery has some incredibly poor judgement, meanwhile, by sitting directly in range of both Lucy and Fred.
Sheesh, Fred. Give them a chance. It's an aggressive first turn, besides Selena. But with enemies this close to the HQ on such a small map, I suppose aggression is the only option. Mm, that's true. Going first is a massive advantage, so eradicating as much of the enemy forces on the first day is pretty vital to success most of the time.
Anyway, Lucy finishes with ease. This does mean that neither she nor Fred can move, though.
I feel like a medium tank and a tank are strong enough. Artillery and rockets support would be kind of overkill.
Speaking of a tank, Fliss blocks up the other part of the mountain range, leaving no access point for the enemy forces. A recon isn't the best wall in the world, though.
Well, it's Flak's turn - let's see if he has a tank in the fog.
Flak's nervous. These must be important plans. Apparently they take 7 whole days to destroy, so yes, they're likely very detailed.
The enemy recon has discovered... another recon. He's failed to notice that our recon is Von Panzer, though.
Indeed. Recons hit like infants.
OK, now Flak's just being a copycat. Recon vs recon and anti-air vs anti-air?
At least most mirror matches don't do very much damage. I'd call it a blessing. True, at least it wasn't tanks.
Six days left. Pfft. I could do this map in five days, so even Dipshit should be able to do this in the time limit.
This better be useful.
I'd argue that was quite useful. This is my favourite kind of Fog of War: the kind where Sami just tells you where all the bullshit units are.
He's gonna advance the w- Don't. I've had enough godawful jokes for one interview. But he said advance and we're playing Advance Wa-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I told you I had a taser.
aaaaaaaaaaa Oh, stop moaning. That was the lowest setting.
Fog of War sure does slow things down. Which is why maps where there's Fog of War and a time limit are complete nonsense. I think we can both agree that seven days on a map this small is a very generous limit.
...Admittedly, I don't think being a frontline defensive unit is what recons are supposed to do. Then again, it is Von Panzer.
I have quite a bit of experience in Fog of War. Though I suppose Dipshit doesn't... were there any Fog of War maps that I used him in last time? Why are you asking me? I wasn't there.
The only thing worse than Nell monologuing at you is Nell monologuing at you and not telling you everything. I thought it was Nell tutorialising plus Dipshit making stupid comments? Touché.
It's reefs.
Oh, I so called it.
Actually, that is handy advice. I forgot to check the reefs in my very first Fog of War map, so getting explicit advice to do that is useful. Every anecdote you tell me about your past campaign suggests more and more that you're lying about being the best tactician in Wars World.
Anyway, Selena goes to attack that infantry now that it's not on defensive terrain.
It should come as no surprise that she reduced the poor thing to paste.
Fliss is gonna shoot something! Indeed, she goes to finish off the anti-air. And, of course...
1 HP again? Why does nobody kill anything on this map?
Well, with the anti-air at 1 HP, it's virtually useless, which allows Carl to go for the recon instead.
Ah, I see - it's weak enough so that Von Panzer can finish it now. Nice.
...Yes, that was the plan.
Oh my god I just want to see something die.
Don't we all. Regardless, Michael follows behind Selena, ready to strike out into the enemy base. Already at the HQ, pretty much. You're right, this is a short map.
That ranged unit up north didn't even matter! Who in their right mind would take the long way round when there's a single bridge guarded by a single infantry right here? Is that not exactly the kind of thing that Dipshit would do? Amazing point. Carry on.
As expected, all the 1 HP units try to flee, but... don't get far. The APC, meanwhile, flees into a nearby forest. "I'll be hidden here! It's not like they saw me come in here! A perfect hiding place!"
Flak's troops are... not the brightest. Probably because they all take after him.
Man, why can't every Fog of War map be like this? I love this.
More helpful information, for sure. I mean, not really. It's a Fog of War map - of COURSE there's a ranged unit in range of the enemy HQ.
It's rockets, in the second forest down. I- what- how on earth did you know that?
Simple matter of strategic deduction. That infantry on the city was intended to be bait - so we can guess that the ranged unit in question is in range of that infantry. The only ranged units that can do that are rockets, and the only places it could be are the first or second forest down. Go on.
There's four cities plus the HQ. If you want to make sure nothing gets captured, you want your ranged unit to be in range of all of them at the same time - if the rockets are in the first forest down, then their 5 range won't cover the very bottom-left city. Therefore, it's rockets, in the second forest down.
Dipshit ended up putting the APC between the two forests because he wasn't sure which one was which. Still, you were right. That's quite impressive, my dude. I swear, I am actually good at strategy sometimes.
And now the rockets have been revealed, it's not long before Selena sets upon them with a bazooka.
Bazooka is a funny word. Hey, did you- no, never mind. I need to focus. Wait, no, go on! We can chat, we've got time.
Fred targets his rockets on a helpless enemy who will most definitely not survive. All right, then. Keep your secrets.
The annoying thing about 1 HP units is having them still alive. The satisfying thing about 1 HP units is completely destroying them with unnecessary force.
With little else to do but wait, Von Panzer heads north to find that other ranged unit, whilst Carter discovers that the reef contains a lander. Aw, just a poor little lander in a lake. Why did they even put it there? What was the purpose?
Fliss continues the cleanup detail by targeting the anti-air.
A unit on 1 HP is so weak that this may as well be called a mercy killing.
El gasp! There was an APC in the forest the whole time! Thanks for discovering that dangerous threat, Carl. Your sarcasm levels have reached a record high.
Lucy does prepare to destroy him, though. Again, mostly just for something to do.
She does it really well, though, it must be said. Quite. You never know when more threats come out of the fog, so keeping on top of these foes is never a bad idea, even if they seem harmless.
The infantry is still alive, but mostly useless, so it's time to move on.
Unless there's more murderers in the fog, I think we've reached the "enemy does nothing" phase of the map.
You'd be quite right. It's Dipshit's turn again.
Oh, Lucy is so ready to take the lunch money of this nerdy APC.
I don't know what your high school experience was like, but I don't remember my bullies having several artillery shells when they were taking my lunch money. You got bullied? But you're like, terrifying. ...Well, I didn't, really. My sister did.
You, uh, wanna talk about that? Nope. Fliss decides to engage this useless infantry.
She hits him with the incredible power of the foregone conclusion.
And Dave does what he does second-best: capturing properties. What does he do best? Slaying tanks.
The rockets fled to a city to heal, but they did not flee even remotely far enough. You're in Selena's sights, rocket man. That's not gonna end well for you.
Indeed, she tells him to piss off, and obligingly, he does, by exploding.
Von Panzer's still looking around for that artillery, but really, the map is now done. All that remains is the formality of actually capturing the lab.
I wonder if you have to capture the lab to get the plans? Like, does the map end differently if you rout the enemy instead?
...Well, they captured it, so I can't say for sure.
Anyway, Von Panzer found it. It was an artillery. That's... why was that there? Why would you ever need to go that way when there's nothing of use over there?
I don't know, my dude. Anyway, Dave captured the enemy lab. In only five days, too. I will begrudgingly admit that Dipshit did OK this time.
I've not heard you throw a fit about the Black Hole infantrymen in a while, you know. I'm getting used to these things, but I still hate them.
Oh, man, shit's getting real. Is the next map a big one?
It's the final one - of the Orange Star portion of the campaign, anyway. What do you mean "portion of the campaign"?
I told you, Commander, that I searched all of Wars World for you. (I needn't have bothered, since you were swanning about in another universe training Celestrian, but whatever.) That search led me to be involved in the conflicts of other countries, too. Oh, fun. Well, let's hope that Orange Star's last battle went alright!
Now do we find out what was in those plans? ...Heh.
I wouldn't say "difficult conditions". Mostly "horribly unfair conditions".
Develop what. Neotanks, my dude. Neotanks.
I NEED TO SEE THE STRONK TONKS. You will, just be patient.
I'll agree there. I want that in every Fog of War map from now on. "Hey, Sami here! There's a bomber in the fog here and a fighter over here, so don't leave anything in range. Bye!" That'd be just perfect...
Two? Max exists, Nell, and he's arguably the best of the bunch. Sami has her strengths too, though.
Orange Star seem to enjoy celebrating their victories rather than, you know, pressing the advantage. I mean, in their defence, I don't think it's a proper party-esque celebration. Just more a quiet get-toge-
...OK, never mind.
Another day, another victory.
I think that's one thing you and Dipshit can agree on. ...Yeah. I gotta see what they do. I must know what power they hold.
It's a shame Tina and Wilbert aren't here. Tina would have LOVED a Neotank, by the sounds of it.
Indeed. Anyway, the next map is the final battle of Orange Star, and any one of the three COs could have been chosen for the mission. Please, please, just don't be Dipshit... (You know who to vote for, audience.) OK, back to my side of the story, anyway.***
Part 7 Additional