Part 50: Interview 25 - “A Trap, Sprung” (Or, “The Biggest Dick Energy Of All”)

Interview 25 - “A Trap, Sprung” (Or, “The Biggest Dick Energy Of All”)

Ah, Commander. Let's get started, shall we?

God, yes. Feels like it's been weeks.



Let's waste no time, then. Kanbei's got a dangerous mission ahead of him.



Black Hole Soldier: The laser cannon has been deployed, as you ordered.

The what.

Oh boy. You’re going to enjoy this map. By which I mean, you will definitely not enjoy this map.

Very well.

Adder, how you planning on using it up on that mountain?

Quite simple, really. I’m going to lure the enemy in and fire.

What makes you think they’ll come all the way out here?

Flak is asking a lot of questions for someone who lost so hard to a child he got insta-demoted.

I’m going to lay siege to their cities. If they don’t come, I’ll tell the world they permitted their cities be taken.

What kind of threat is that? “If they lose their cities, I’ll tell the world and we’ll all make fun of them.”

You’d think he’d go with the more logical threat of “If they don’t come, I’ll just kill them all.”

No kidding.

Either way, we can’t lose.

Hrmmm…

More importantly, did you deploy that infantry as I requested?

Put ‘em just where you said. They’re pretty far from the cities. That OK?

See, this is curious. Adder says “that infantry” suggesting one, but Flak says “they”, suggesting many. And as we’ll see, there’s quite a few.

Yes. That’s fine. March them along slowly. They’re merely bait for the enemy.

…

Wouldn’t want them capturing those cities too quickly.

Are you alright, my dude?

…Eh. I don’t like the mistreatment of foot soldiers. Though that should come as no surprise.



I understand. This seems harsh, even for evil soldiers.



Why, Sonja? The Black Hole army is about to lay siege to our cities.

It’s a trap. They’re trying to lure us in.

Sonja, at least, has a head on her shoulders.

But we can’t just sit here!

Why not? That city isn’t at all important, strategically speaking.

Sonja! What are you? What are we?

What are we? We’re COs in the Yellow Comet Army.

Correct. And COs do not sit idly by and watch their people be destroyed! Even if it’s a trap. Even if it’s not strategically important.

Huh, I think I’m with Kanbei on this one. Even a city that isn’t important still has Yellow Comet’s citizens living there. They deserve protection too!

Now I understand.

Hm?

That’s...

We are COs. It is our job to protect the people of Yellow Comet. Am I wrong?

What, Ruin?

No, Father. I understand. Just be careful. I’m going to see if I can unravel this trap.

When you first explained why you’d disappeared, I believed you. I didn’t want to believe that you were the killer. And I know why now. The rest of the my dudes… you feel responsible for them, don’t you?

Well, I’m an unofficial leader of sorts. I guess that comes naturally.

It’s more than that. This has been eating you up more than you’ve let on, hasn’t it?

…Yeah. Ruin, it happened under my watch. The one night that I run the show, the one night that every my dude should be able to party safely with people they can trust… and this happened. That’s why I didn’t believe you at first. I couldn’t believe that I’d allowed something like that to happen.

It’s alright, Commander. We’ll find our killer. And in the meantime, here’s the map for today’s battle.



Interesting. So there's an upper and lower route through those mountains to the top-right of the map, but... those structures look pretty foreboding. They're the laser cannons, I take it?

Correct. We'll see them in action soon enough. Oh, and here's the deployments for today. A couple of new faces.

TODAY’S DEPLOYMENTS
Vanessa, Infantry
Minerva, Infantry
Lysander, Mech
Issam, Mech
Dymek, Mech
Iago, Mech
Leopold, Mech
Aymil, APC
Aanisah, APC
Andromeda, Tank
Sofia, Tank
Rose, Medium Tank
Kyril, Medium Tank
Braddock, Medium Tank
Talora, Artillery
Kiran, Artillery
Casildo, Rockets
Ellis, Rockets

AANISAH
Age: 33
Personality: Well-read and intelligent.
Proficiencies: Infantry, Lander, APC

KIRAN
Age: 29
Personality: A talented cook.
Proficiencies: Artillery, Missiles, Battle Copter



Oh, Rose ad Kyril in Kanbei-powered medium tanks. This map is going to be very, very one-sided.



There is an important facet to this mission, however.

And Adder's foot units are so close to the cities... there's no time to waste. But if Kanbei rushes onto the road up to the cities, he'll presumably be in range of the laser cannon.



Precisely. And they have quite the range.



...Friend and foe alike, huh? Interesting.



So, our troops prepare to move out. The southern pass is being handled by Braddock, backed up by Minerva being carried by Aymil, and ranged support from Talora, in an artillery today.

Up above, then, that must be Vanessa getting into Aanisah's APC.

"Alright, we've no time to waste. We move through the pass, but we do so only on my command." Rose commands. "I expect everyone to give it their all today."

The unspoken directive hangs in the air between Rose and Vanessa: "Prove yourself." Narrowing her eyes, Vanessa shoulders her weapons and nods to herself.

I am ACO material. I'll prove it - right here, right now! I just... mustn't lose my temper.



This is how the troops arrange themselves on the first turn. The recon isn't much of a threat, especially to Kanbei's souped-up units, so regardless of what it goes for, it's a non-issue.



It has chosen Aanisah.

"So, you have chosen death."

Wait, you've seen Lord of the Rings?

My dude, I am an omniversal police officer. I have been to Middle-earth.



You know you have the coolest fucking job in the omniverse, right?

I have been made aware, yes. Anyway, the enemy has plenty of troops, as you can see. The mechs make their move north, unfettered by the river.





They have a monstrous weapon called a laser cannon. It fires a deadly laser up, down, left and right in a straight line.

Who the hell is on weapons development in Black Hole? Fucking Megatron?

I’m afraid I don’t get that reference.

I see… Yet, no matter the trap, I…

Ooh! I’m not finished yet!!!

You know, to say that Sonja got the job of CO over Vanessa, mostly because of her attitude… she’s being surprisingly difficult to handle today.

She is, isn’t she?

It’s a laser cannon, but it’s only a prototype. It can’t just be fired at any time. I think that’s something we can use to our advantage.

That is helpful. You are splendid, my child!

Father! I am NOT looking for flattery! I’m trying to warn you!

…One wonders if it’s the discussion with Vanessa that has prompted her sour mood.

If the 10 cities in the upper right are captured, we lose. Be careful!



The mech squad makes their way forward. You'll note that they're avoiding being in the line of sight of the laser cannons.



Oh, wow, Braddock hits like a fucking truck. Kanbei units are so satisfying to watch - you know, unless it's your stuff they're murdering.



The southern group are slowly moving forward. Lysander, meanwhile, doesn't follow the rest of the mech group, and instead targets the recon, destroying it without even breaking a sweat.



The enemy tank has quite a range, and is slightly more of a threat than the recon, so Kanbei decides to take care and keep things out of its way.



The units gather like so. Kiran and Casildo will be targeting and destroying that laser cannon soon.



Kanbei's forces can utterly steamroll most of the threats in this part of the map. It does make me worry about the might of the laser cannon, though.



Speak of the devil.



BWOOOOOOOO

Hm.

...What?



Well, to me it sounds more like PSHEEEEEEW.

I didn't think I'd be saying this today, but: Ruin, that was an excellent impression of a laser cannon.



On a more serious note, I'm glad they missed. How much damage do they do?

5. Though, like most of the Black Hole armoury, it is incapable of finishing off units, so they'll survive with 1 HP.

Well, that's a small mercy.



Unfortunately, the greatest nemesis in this map is not laser cannons or Adder's infantry - it's trees. Braddock can't get to the artillery on this turn, so he hangs back, advancing slowly and staying out of range.



Here, though, this tank has no such trees. Rose absolutely throttles him.



And the rest of the units are advancing. If this is like that other Black Cannon map, they'll activate every other day, then?

Correct. It's up to Kanbei's forces to get through that road before the cannon fires on the next day.



I had almost forgotten about this loser's predilection for having his CO Power basically every turn.



For what it's worth, he only uses a CO Power twice in this battle.



The enemy artillery goes for Iago, but it does minimal damage.



And well, rinse and repeat. Rose shrugs off this artillery quite well, too.



Boy, Kanbei really isn't messing around today.



Speaking of, Casildo fires on the laser cannon, doing heavy damage.



And Kiran follows up, destroying it. Barely a threat.

Not bad at all, lads. Hopefully the other one is just as simple.



Rose sends her medium tank forward and faces down the enemy artillery facing her with a stare of dispassionate loathing. "It was a fool's errand, trying to fight me. Now meet your fate."

"Rose, let me handle the tank!" Kyril says, driving his own medium tank towards her. "Kanbei's watching - there's never been a better time to try and distinguish myself, right?"

"Of course. Kyril, Vanessa... you have a golden opportunity today to earn what you believe is so rightfully yours. Don't waste it." Rose replies.

"...I won't." Vanessa says, still inside Aanisah's APC.



Kyril lands a critical strike on the enemy tank, completely eliminating it. There isn't much here that has proved to be a threat so far, though the majority of Adder's forces have yet to reach the battlefield.



From the back of the army's ranks, a tank trundles forward and a voice rings out on the transceiver as it opens fire on the enemy artillery, finishing it off.

"I... I'll do my best, well, too! We'll show, yes, those bastards what-for!" Andromeda says.

"Andromeda? Where did you learn words like-" Rose starts, but then she sighs. "Ah... perhaps I shouldn't have introduced you to Peregrine after all. You've been spending time together, then?"

"We, me and... we, have been, yes. Yes, correct." Andromeda replies. "I... thank you. I'll reply, repay- repay my debt. By fighting today."

"Alright then." Rose replies, shrugging. "Yellow Comet soldiers... let's move out."



Aw, no. Ellis can't quite get out of the way of the laser cannon.



In order to help Ellis, Aanisah heads north and refuels the front-line units.



And in doing so, Ellis can hide in the trees that she was occupying. Nice.

The mech group, having slowly made their way over the mountains, helps out the southern group by attacking that artillery. First, Iago gets his revenge for the slight damage it dealt to him.



And Dymek, with his usual rowdiness, finishes it off. Now there's just the laser cannon left on the southern path, but our units are still a good distance away from it.

Plus it's primed to fire next turn. They can't be reckless.



This is how the forces shape up. The southern group's next goal is taking out the laser cannon. The northern group's next goal is making a beeline for the cities that the enemy is after.



C'mon, do it again. It was good!

_{Urgh, this is so embarrassing...} PSHEEEEEOOW

Ooh, changing it up with an "OOW" at the end? I like your style.

You're unbelievable. Anyway, the laser doesn't hit anyone. Again. They've not been very useful so far.



On a more troublesome note, the enemy mechs have reached the cities and are doing what they do best. Capturing.





With no enemies in range, the northern group simply move forward; Rose hangs back, since she's taken some damage, and Kyril leads the charge.



And the southern group are just on a nice afternoon stroll towards the 4-way laser of murderous death. I'm with ya.

They're mechs with two movement, it's not their fault they're going so slowly.



The enemy's already started to capture cities. Dammit, the one map where capturing is actually useful... are they going to make it in time? There's a couple of beefy tanks on the way, Kanbei's forces might not be able to get through them all in enough turns.



See, look, this absolute unit has decided to target Andromeda!

They're only medium tanks. Surely Neotanks are the unit most deserving of the title 'absolute unit'?



Also, as you can see... it didn't do very much damage.

She didn't do very much damage to it, though.



Ellis has decided to catch up with the group, in the meantime - here, he's primed to attack the laser cannon next turn.



The rest of the southern crew are also in range, I see. Blimey, that laser cannon is fucked.

In the meantime, Kyril forges ahead to wipe out an enemy tank. He's aiming to reach those cities as soon as possible, regardless of what's in his way.

It would have been useful to take out that enemy medium tank, though. There aren't many threats on this map, but that certainly is one of them.



Don't worry. Rose can take out most of it's HP... and she has a special surprise for it later.

A special surprise?



Indeed. Andromeda goes to back up Kyril, whilst Sofia in the other tank prevents the medium tank from attacking weaker units like Aanisah or Ellis.



I did the last one. It's your turn this time.

SHAKALAKALAKALAKA

That one didn't even remotely sound like a laser.

"What utter foolishness." Rose remarks as the laser blasts across the field in front of her; her medium tank is exactly thirty centimetres away from the laser's range, whilst the enemy tank is caught in full by the blast. The lights rip through the tank's outer shell, leaving a smoking wreck with barely any functionality sitting before Rose and her forces.

"So that was her plan." breathes Vanessa, sitting in the APC alongside Aanisah.

"She's talented, isn't she?" says Aanisah, watching the devastation.

Vanessa nods. "Yeah... with Kyril leading the charge and Rose doing her usual 'so tactically competent that she may as well be fucking psychic', I am gonna have to do something really impressive to catch the attention of the higher-ups."

"I believe in you! I'll drop you off up ahead and you can, uh, I dunno. Capture some cities?" says Aanisah.

"Maybe. Something more impressive would be good, though..."



The enemy are making good progress on the cities - which spells bad news for Kanbei's troops.

Come on, Kyril, hurry it up...





Braddock does a rather chunky amount of damage to this remaining laser cannon.



And as you said earlier, Ellis is totally in range to finish it off. Both cannons down!

Correct. Now all that's left is to rout Adder's troops and protect the remaining cities.



In order to achieve this, the southern group sort of need to get out of this area as soon as possible, though the trees aren't making it easy. They'll have to catch up a little later.

Goddammit, southern group.



"They've got rather a lot of tanks in the way." Kyril says as he opens fire on the nearest tank. "Rose, will we make it in time?"

Rose nods. "We'll be fine. Ignore the tanks, Kyril - we'll take care of the ones that you leave behind. Just focus all your efforts on protecting those towns."

"Right!"



"After all," Rose says, unleashing a bazooka blast that rips through the enemy tank without any warning. "There's nothing here that can pose a threat to us."



Oh, wow, Andromeda was just barely able to finish off that medium tank. At least there's no lasers to worry about anymore.



Indeed. The northern group continue pressing the advantage. Aanisah drops Vanessa off as promised, but as to what use she will be, we do not know yet.



In case you were wondering, the enemy now have 5 cities captured fully.

This is going to be really tight, but they've still got time.



The enemy medium tank opens fire on Rose.

"Ngh! Is... is that all you've got?" Rose growls, gripping her control panel as tightly as she can.

"Rose, do you need, want... need, to retreat?" Andromeda asks.

"I'll make a tactical retreat shortly." Rose says.



More medium tanks from below. This is getting pretty awkward.



Kanbei wouldn't have noticed, but Rose did - the enemy rockets can just about reach the units on the other side of the river.

Oh, wow, nice catch. Better get Aymil out of there!



Kyril destroys the enemy medium tank.



And Rose is going to retreat. I suppose it's only smart right now - plus, she seems to trust Kyril and the others. They'll handle it just fine.



At last, the northern and southern groups converge, ready to fight as a unified force.

Oh, shit just got real now. Is that Sofia front-lining though? She's gonna get crushed if the medium tank approaches her.

Well, someone needs to bait it. If Sofia wasn't there, the medium tank would go for Vanessa.

True.



More buildings are being captured. There isn't much time left.



Sofia sustains heavy damage, but she survives a hit, and does a tiny bit of counter damage.



Eh, at least Kyril can take it out.

Actually...



Firstly, Ellis opens fire on the medium tank, weakening it quite heavily.



"...Kyril, you heard what Rose said." Sofia murmurs. "You need to get after the cities and protect them."

"You can't take out this medium tank on your own! You're hurt!" Kyril says, but Sofia shakes her head.

"There's a certain someone that I'm protecting. I... I need to do this. Now go, Kyril."

"Alright, but you'd better make it through alright. Vanesa, keep an eye on her!"

Sofia gives Kyril a soft smile as she opens fire on the tank ahead of her, barely scratching it. "You remind me of my son..."



"I... I'll prot, um, care- protect you." Andromeda replies, driving up to Sofia and bolstering her forces. "We're not alone..."



With the enemy medium tank mostly defeated, Kyril goes to strike at the enemy mech capturing the nearest city. It's time to stop them in their tracks.



Down here, the enemy artillery needs to be removed. Talora gets into position to fire on it, whilst the rest of the soldiers organise themselves to form rather juicy bait.

Ah, an innocent APC. Once upon a time that was the finest bait of all.



Vanessa leaps into the fray, running towards the gigantic medium tank ahead of her, speeding past Sofia and Andromeda before they can react. Rose, watching the battle from afar, widens her eyes. "What is she..."

"Keep an eye on her, Kyril?" shouts Vanessa, preparing her gun. Her eyes narrow as she faces her foe. "I'll do you one better."



Vanessa's forces stand aside and let her fire - one shot is all she needs. The bullet hits a critical part of the damaged medium tank, and with an immense explosion, the entire thing comes crashing down, leaving just rubble in its wake. Vannesa stands up and shoulders her gun, observing the wreckage with a quiet satisfaction.

"That was..." breathes Kyril.

I've heard of performing the Ultimate Disrespect on a normal tank, but taking out a medium tank with an infantry..? That's unheard of.

Sonja, observing the battle back at the Yellow Comet HQ, widens her eyes. It wasn't anger that allowed her to do that. She was... completely calm. Completely focused...



The act is followed by Kanbei's Super CO Power - the troops' morale is maxed out right now.





And if Adder thought Kanbei's forces were strong before, that's nothing compared to right now.



Indeed. He could've used it earlier in the turn, though. It would have helped with getting those kills.

...You don't think it was on purpose, do you? Vanessa killed that medium tank without Kanbei's power, almost as if to prove that she doesn't even need it.

This is Kanbei we're talking about, though. It's every possibility that he just forgot to use it until the end of his turn.



Oh, and now this loser has his power.





Thankfully, the slap in the face that Kyril gave to this mech has very much slowed down his capturing speed.



And the best bait was taken! With Kanbei's SCOP, it probably did nothing.

Correct, only a bit of damage.



Finally, this tank goes for Vanessa...



Oh wow. A tank trading damage with an infantry. That must be embarrassing.



A well-placed rocket can bring it down to 1 HP, however.



And now Andromeda/Sofia are on anti-capturing duty. Keep it up, ladies.



Oh, the map's over.

It... isn't yet.

It pretty much is, though. A Kanbei medium tank on a city? There's almost nothing in the world that could even scratch it. And they can't win unless they capture the city Kyril is sat on.



Ah, I see. Also, Talora slams the artillery.



Oh, no way. Is she seriously gonna push her luck a second time?



I think the results speak for themselves.

Vanessa, my god. I don't know what she did, but she's certainly mastered her emotions now.



Just the cleanup to do now. Though Kanbei must still take care of the rockets down below. They'll hurt if anything gets in range.



A classic case of "this dick captures another property".



The enemy artillery decides, in its infinite wisdom, to shoot at Ellis up above, rather than, you know, Talora.

Bless them. They try.



They succeed, too. The other artillery does a whole 5 damage to Sofia and Andromeda.



At least they're probably gonna win now. Come on, Kanbei, just rout the fuckers so we can go home.



Rose, meanwhile, returns to the fray, and to nobody's surprise, absolutely obliterates everything that gets close to her.



Kiran...



And Ellis also help thin the enemy numbers with copious amounts of rockets.



Ah, and Talora's removed that artillery. Now the soldiers can head south to deal with those rockets at some point.



Kyril vacates his spot to take out the last tank before it can heal any more HP.



Thank goodness Andromeda/Sofia took his place. Another infantry down - they're getting there.



"Urgh." sighs Iago to himself as he strides to the nearest city. "Scouting duties are such a waste of my time..."



Oh, wow, we really outnumber Black Hole now.



Let's waste no more time, then - this next day is just mostly cleanup.





Otherwise known as "Kanbei's units do a fuckdiculous amount of damage to the enemy forces".



I will never understand your fascination with the word 'fuck'.





Think of it like this. "Fuck", to me, is what the word "indeed" is to you.

_{I don't say "indeed" that much.}





Anyway, with the enemies routed save for the rockets, Braddock and Leopold go to finish the job.



WHY is he even USING this when he only has fucking ranged units left



We may never understand his ways.





The rockets fire on some mechs, but do no major damage.





Braddock certainly does do major damage, though.



Indee- uh, correct. And Leopold starts weakening the final foe.



And for our rockety friend's final moment of glory...



...Chip damage on Ellis. Not very impressive.



Alright, Leopold, end it.



Why do that when Casildo exists? Boom.

My, how stylish, Kanbei.



Our troops got beat!

Hsss! Those Yellow Comet COs aren’t bad at all, are they?

Did he actually just hiss.

He definitely dresses like a snake in his spare time.

We’ve just lost 2 laser cannons! Why ain’t you more mad?

They were merely tools. If necessary, we can build more.

Yeah, I guess so…

More importantly, how are we going to handle things from here on in? For now, let’s retreat to the factory and redraw our battle plans. This war is far from over.

In Adder’s defence, he had to fight pre-deployed Kanbei, arguably the best CO in the world in terms of raw stats.

True, without the monetary cost, his units are just incredibly strong all the time.

Father, it appears that the enemy has withdrawn from the cities.

Is that so?

Yes, I visited one of them myself. They gave me a message for you. “Thank you for saving us.”

Aw, Sonja’s learnt the value of protecting the lives of innocent people. Fuckin’ sociopath.

…..

It made me think. What if we hadn’t entered the enemy’s trap? What would have happened to all of the people living in those cities?

Well, Adder seemingly had no plans to actually kill them.

The safety of all of Yellow Comet has been entrusted to us. Which means we sometimes have to make painful decisions.

I know the feeling.

We must always protect our citizens, regardless of the danger we face.

I understand that now.

You have an odd look on your face.

Eh, I was just thinking. For his sheer strength in battle, Kanbei already had my respect. But now? He has my admiration.

Yellow Comet Soldier: Commander! We’ve spotted someone in the mountains to the north. It might be the Black Hole CO.

Are you sure? Quickly! Prepare to pursue!

Hold on, Father. We’ll never catch him if he’s that far away. It’s more important that we work on reorganizing our troops. That’s—

We’ll never know unless we try. I am NOT letting him get away!

But, Father… Father! Oooh! How I wish that he weren’t so reckless!

Stopping Kanbei is like telling the tide to calm it down. He just won’t be stopped once he sets his mind to something.



Honestly, a well-deserved S rank. Not bad at all, Kanbei.



Except me. I beat him three times in a row in the last campaign.

Don't brag. It's childish.

He's bragging too!



Anyway, up next, we have either Sonja or Sensei. And once those battles are done...



Oh, man, are we coming to the end of Yellow Comet already? Jeez. Alright, so who did you travel with next?

I'll tell you next time. Until then, my dude.

***

Part 25 Additional