Part 60: Interview 30 - “Unity” (Or, “Dipshit Finally Uses His Super CO Power”)

Interview 30 - “Unity” (Or, “Dipshit Finally Uses His Super CO Power”)

Welcome back, my dude. The adventure continues - if you recall, it was Kanbei's turn.

I don't even remember what day it was. Oh, no, it's coming back to me now. Kanbei was charging along the south side whilst Dipshit took care of the naval segment, going for the pipe seam?

Indeed, around Minicannon Island. So, let's see how they get on.



First, this base under Adder's control needs to be captured, so Andromeda starts by weakening the mech sat on top of it.



And Braddock just casually deletes that other infantry. I love medium tanks. Especially Kanbei's.



Speaking of medium tanks, whilst Kyril moves ahead, Rose finishes off the mech, leaving the base undefended once more, ripe for the capturing.



Vanessa remains solo with her 9HP, but Talora and Lysander decide to combine their might. It'll make capturing quicker later.



How intriguing. Instead of picking Talora/Lysander up, Aymil decided to just hop onto the base already? Oh, well, I suppose that does prevent more guys from spawning next turn.



Indeed. The rest of the troops continue to move forward, but with little else to do this turn, let's go and see what Dipshit's up to.

Probably being a big useless idiot like always.



Well, with all the properties captured on this island, Dave hops into Rin to head to new places. Places to capture, people to shoot, you know how it is.



Alfonse also has places to capture, look at him go!



"I know you've missed me, folks!" comes a cry from within the recently-captured airport. The Orange Star and Yellow Comet armies look up to see a bomber taking to the sky, and the voice over the transceiver is distinctly female.

"If it isn't Lucy." Rose murmurs to herself, smiling. "How are you?"

"I'm peachy keen! Glad to hear you're alright too, Rose! Shall we liberate your country together?"

"Sounds perfect." Rose replies.

"Well, then, ladies, better get to it. First one to destroy the seam wins!" Alfonse says.

Dave chuckles to himself, and Rin turns back to him to give him a smile.

"Well, yeah, Alfonse, that's the goal of the mission. We all win if someone destroys it."

"Yes, but you get all the style points if you're the one that destroys the seam, as we've seen in other battles!" Alfonse replies.



Lloyd positions himself quite well here - in range of both the mainland and Minicannon Island, he's capable of firing on a great number of dangerous threats starting next turn.



Adder did nothing of note. He's spending most of these turns just gathering more troops and shivering in fear as Kanbei and Dipshit's forces approach his factory.



And finally, Kanbei has enough money to bring out a battleship - Kevin's back.

Yessss! This should really turn things around.



Ah, but the medium tanks can't really head further in with that artillery hanging around. Even Kanbei tanks don't really want to take a ranged hit.



Quite. Still, Kanbei's managed to repel most of Adder's forces down here, now, so he can start focussing on helping Dipshit with naval matters.



Speaking of, Lloyd's starting with Minicannon Island so that the rest of the army can advance without being shot at.



And Alfonse continues his capturing.



Dave will be helping out too, now that Rin's dropped him off. Dipshit really needs the money.

What, did Nell stop giving him pocket money?



Unfortunately, Fliss and Ingo can't really advance. If they take out the enemies in front of them, they'll end up advancing into rocket range.

Yeah, that's not good. Lloyd should do something about that.



Adder's turn is mostly "spawn more people". Also, you'll note that the factory continues to be blocked up. Adder is... really trying to lose, by the looks of it.

Maybe he's going easy on them. He does have an awful lot of soldiers, maybe he thinks he just has enough.

He doesn't seem like the type to play fair, though.



Alright, Kanbei, let's get that base captured now.



There are a few Adder troops left, though, so they should go first. Kyril can easily delete a tank without trying, though.



And now Talora/Lysander can capture the base. Phew, that's a relief. Adder's really lost his bite in the second half of this map, you know. Is this seriously his big final stand?

It does feel less threatening than his other appearances, though he does have a huge amount of troops up north, so let's not count him out just yet. Dipshit's not got a big army to fight him, after all.

He's got Lucy. I can assure you, that is ALL he needs.



Hm. We'll see. Anyway, Kevin heads north so that he can give Lloyd some backup.



Oh, there's an enemy trying to heal up at the towns down there.

Rose and Vanessa will be taking care of that, don't worry.



Alfonse finishes his capturing in the meantime. It's not heroic work but it is useful.



Lloyd's doing the real hero work, blowing up the first cannon on Minicannon Island.

That's useful, the other battleships can get closer to the shore now. That upward-facing one really has to go next, though.

And the rockets. They'll trounce Dipshit's battleships if they get into range.



Lucy carefully slots herself inside the missiles' range, so she's safe and sound - and, more importantly, ready to rain death upon the enemy if they try anything funny.



Another useless Adder turn.

I'd much rather Adder do nothing that get another god damn CO Power, to be fair.



Quite. Talora and Lysander make a start on this base. It's not like a couple of infantry have anything better to do at the moment.



Ah, and Kevin's got the other minicannon under control. My god, just look at the damage difference between him and Lloyd.

If I were Lloyd, I'd certainly be feeling a bit... impotent, next to such big damage. Though, logically, it still takes them two shots to take out a cannon, so the extra damage isn't actually that important in the grand scheme of things.

I suppose that's true. But big numbers, Ruin!



I do not understand the fascination with "big numbers". If an enemy has 100 HP, there's no functional difference between 100 and 10,000 damage.

I'm sorry but you're absolutely wrong about this. 10,000 damage would leave me positively throbbing. That's the kind of overkill that's just delicious.

...I hate the way that you say words and I have to listen to them.



Uh oh, looks like Dipshit's got a problem. That submarine is going to be a massive issue for Lloyd if he doesn't take it out.

He can't one-shot it, though. It's at least going to get a hit on him. The question is, is Dipshit capable of dealing with such a complication?

1000 funds says he can't do it.



Well, Lloyd does a sizeable amount of damage to it to begin with.



And Lucy decides to wait in front it.

...Huh. He actually thought that through.

Oh?

Think about it. Lucy could've sunk that sub, but if she had, there would be an empty space on the port, which one of the anti-airs could have moved onto to attack her. By not attacking, the sub can't move and so despite being so close to all those dangerous anti-air threat, she's actually completely safe.



I see. Meanwhile, Alfonse and Dave have been gathering donations from all the local towns, and have drummed up enough funds to get a second battleship, Landon.

Ah, Landon, good to see you. The battleship boys are back again!



You can never have too much of a good thing, though, and the good thing according to Dave is money, so he captures another property, thus getting pretty much all of the properties on this side of the map.

Dave's just single-handedly conquered a massive amount of this map. What a guy.



Alfonse, with little else to do now that everything's been captured, gets back into Rin. Dave can't, since he spent his turn capturing, but...



...Rin makes her way around the island like so. Next turn she'll be on the other side, ready to pick Dave up and ferry the two infantry to new islands.



siiiiiigh

The map's almost over, I promise.



The extra movement allows this mech to slide through the mountain terrain and take a shot at Fliss, which does some respectable damage.



The rest of his troops rearrange themselves like so, which isn't terribly threatening, but place your gaze on the bottom-right mech, if you will.

...Is that an airport?

Correct. Adder must not be allowed an airport at all costs. It's in a very advantageous position and he's got the money to make use of it.



Urgh, and Kanbei's land units can't do a thing about it. I guess they can just carry on doing whatever they're doing over here.



That most involves Rose murdering this poor tank.

"Vanessa, watch out. The enemy anti-air will slice you into ribbons if you move in." Rose warns.

Vanessa nods. "I appreciate the warning, but I've pre-empted that this anti-air won't attack. I'll be fine."

Rose's eyebrows rise. She had also pre-empted that the anti-air wouldn't attack, but didn't want to run the risk of being wrong. She's as intelligent as Sonja, isn't she? Almost a match for me... but not quite.

"As you wish."



Vanessa's braver than I am, starting to capture something whilst right next to an anti-air.



Talora and Lysander finish capturing the base, too. It's not terribly useful, but at least it's not in Adder's hands anymore.



Kevin moves into a position here - he's out of range of all the minicannons, but most importantly, he has some very useful targets in range now.



Are Kyril and Braddock ever going to catch up to that one artillery? I know ranged units have a lot of map control, but it's one artillery versus two medium tanks. The artillery should not be winning!

Is "spending every turn running away" really winning? That's just prolonging the inevitable, really.



"Rin, Alfonse, good to see you. We locked down that island - where to next?"

"Oh, Dave! Glad it went well." Rin says, grinning. "We're bound for the island to the eatht - there's thome troops trying to capture an airport, apparently!"

"We can't let them get air support - Lucy's on her own up there." Dave says, his eyes narrowing. "Set a course for the island, Rin!"

"Alright, let's get going!" Alfonse replies as the lander begins the perilous journey past Minicannon Island.



Landon gets into position, whilst Lloyd fires on the air missiles, which are severely limiting Lucy's options at the moment.



Welp, she still has the option "massively bomb the fuck out of the minicannons", apparently. Two cannons down, and arguably the most important ones, too!

Indeed. We're fast approaching the end of this map, though there's still a few more hurdles before the seam can be destroyed.



Also, Lucy was so focussed on getting out range of the air missiles that she's wandered into the range of a completely different enemy - this cannon can take a shot at her next turn.

Oh, god, I totally forgot about that cannon. Hang in there, Lucy! It won't hurt... much.



Meanwhile, a damaged Fliss beats a hasty retreat whilst Ingo goes for the mech that targeted her. These two are still held back by the rockets hanging around - as well as all the anti-airs and enemies clogging up the path.



Dipshit also decides he needs a second bomber - and who else but Raynald of Châtillon?

"Take heart, dear friends!" comes the heroic cry of famous crusader, Raynald of Châtillon. "I, Raynald of Châtillon, have arrived, to crusade forth and free this noble land of the infidels known as Black Hole!"

"...I'd forgotten about him." murmurs Rose. "Good to see that he's as completely incomprehensible as ever."



All in all, a rather busy turn, but large strides have been made in the fight against Adder. Minicannon Island is only operating at 50% efficiency, after all.



Yeah, but The One Minicannon That Isn't On Minicannon Island (TOMTIOM for short) is working at full efficiency, unfortunately for Lucy.

She'll be fine.



To the collective dismay of everyone on the battlefield, this mech begins capturing the airport.

That shit stops immediately.



Oh, right, Lucy moved away from the sub, so now it can... go for Lloyd, just predicted. At least he weakened it earlier, I suppose...



It's still not ideal. Thankfully, it won't be an issue soon.



It's a big fucking issue from where I'm sitting, Ruin.

There's other problems at hand, though. For example, this mech has now been completely neutered by Kevin - that's why he moved north.

Oh wow, it's gonna take him three years to capture that now. Nice, that buys Rin, Dave and Alfonse some time.



And wouldn't you know it, Vanessa was right, the anti-air didn't attack her. I've absolutely no idea why, but it means she can capture this property without worry.



Seriously, this straight-up feels like Adder isn't trying. Rose just destroys the anti-air and boom, there's no more threat. What the hell is he playing at?



And it gets worse for Adder, as Kanbei can now afford a second battleship, Casildo.

With this much naval firepower between them, I'm surprised Dipshit and Kanbei haven't beaten the map yet.

They're doing their best. I think.



Alright, let's see what Dipshit's ships are going to do about this sub, anyway.



Nothing, actually. His ships decide to let Lucy take care of it.

"Sorry, guys! I totally forgot I was keeping him trapped, I'll cover it." Lucy says.

"Aharr, don't worry about it, beaut." Lloyd replies. "Thanks for the help - now let's focus our fire and take out these bastards! Yaharr!"



To pay Lucy back for dealing with the sub, Lloyd destroys the air missiles, since, you know, she's in range of them.



And Landon's gonna fuck up the rockets that have been bothering everyone since they arrived.



Even though the threat of rockety death is reduced somewhat, Ingo still has to go for the mech since he's going to struggle to fight his way through all these foes on his own.

Yeah, might be best to leave this one to the battleship boys.

You can call them that as many times as you like; the name isn't going to catch on.



To make the situation slightly easier, Fliss and Ingo join. Fliss wasn't going to do much in her state anyway.



The troops arrange themselves like so, slowly encroaching on the army around the seam - whilst staying out of range of the enemy minicannons.

I see Rin and friends on their way to the island, too.



That explosion up there was, formerly, one of Adder's transport copters. They both blew up, having run out of fuel.

Oh, that's always satisfying. Fuck you, transport copters, and the infantry that rode in on you.



And then there's this guy. He is just adorable.



As usual, we start with Kanbei's ground forces not contributing a whole lot.

Hey, be nice. They were crucial in the first half of the map; we wouldn't be at this stage without them.



Kevin parks himself right next to the enemies, ready to lay waste to their troops next turn. And there's two very important things to note.

Firstly, he's not in range of that friggin' minicannon on the mainland.

You're right. And secondly: he's in range to fire on the seam.

OH BABY



Vanessa is only an infantry, and though she's killed several tanks in her career, she decides to let Rose finish off this anti-air.



After all, Kanbei needs a new Ferrari, so he's got to have even more money.



Oh my god, are they still chasing this fucking artillery?

They are, but on a more positive note, Kyril and Braddock have almost reached the factory.

The factory has been a complete non-issue on this map and we both know it. Except those bro copters that one time.



Next turn, we'll see if Kevin can take the first shot at the seam. If he survives, anyhow.

It's a Kanbei unit, they don't fucking die.



Rin drops her friends off at the beach, ready to face the Black Hole troops on the island already.



Lloyd and Landon decide to weaken the enemies here, hoping to open the way for Ingo/Fliss a tiny bit.



Fliss and Ingo are taking out that mech, I see. Revenge! Even though it was the other mech that attacked Fliss.



Landon finishes by weakening the other anti-air. There's a good reason for this.



Oh, so Lucy can move in. If she kills the anti-air, the other one's not strong enough to kill her. Good planning, Dipshit. I shall begrudgingly give you one compliment.



Also, did you forget about Raynald? Dipshit did for like three turns.

Oh, hey, it's Raynald! Yeah, having a second bomber would have been great for, like, this whole battle. I retract my compliment, Dipshit.



That was a messy turn, but at least Adder's forces are becoming thinner on the ground now. Just a lot of ranged stuff left.



Rin takes a hit from Minicannon Island, but she's fine.



And it seems like the main reason that Kanbei's units don't die isn't anything to do with their defensive stats. It's just the fact that Adder's units consistently fail to actually attack them. Nobody goes for Kevin, not even the rockets.

Welp, that's Adder's last mistake.



This enemy mech has the immense poor fortune of sharing an island with Dave, and so he's going to end up dead very soon.

Yeah, Dave Ruston does not fuck around.

That's his surname?

What, did you think it would be Dave Cuddlefriend?



No need for that kind of backtalk. Anyway, Kanbei's turn again.



A few minor things happen down here, like Vanessa capturing this, but the really crucial part of Kanbei's turn is Kevin, naturally.



Oh yeah, Adder's lost.

You never know, Kevin might get attacked by all the rocke-

And they won't do a single point of damage.



What makes you say that? I already know what happens - I'm just curious to know if you're on the right track.



Because if you thought Kanbei's units were fucking unkillable BEFORE...



You haven't seen them fired up like this!



You were correct, as always - Kanbei uses his Super CO Power. Since the map ends next turn, this effectively guarantees that all of his units will be alive until his next turn. Also, Ellis attacks the enemy sub in the port.



I guess there's not much for Dipshit to do except clean up. How did he start closer to a port than Kanbei, and closer to the seam, and yet it's Kanbei's units that are carrying the map?

I feel like "He's Dipshit" is a good enough answer to that question.



Speaking of, do you remember this?

What, his shitty power? Vaguely, yes.





Well, we're finally going to see it in action. All of his troops are fully healed and gain some rather sizeable boosts.





Dave and Alfonse team up to take out this mech - on mountain terrain, no less.

Eh, anyone could've done that.



Lloyd obliterates the sub...



...whilst Landon pulverises the tank.

...I suppose that's a decent increase in damage...



Fliss/Ingo head down here to cover the port and take out the last anti-air.



And then Lucy heads over here to eradicate the rockets before they heal up any more.

...I'm not going to say it.

It's undeniable.



OK, fine, Dipshit's Super CO Power is actually pretty good and he's no longer a complete write-off of a CO.

Hee hee. I'm satisfied.

_{still a fuckin idiot though}



Ah, Adder, one last Sidewinder before we get rid of you forever? I respect it.



The battleship at the factory goes for Braddock, but does nonexistent amounts of damage. That is to say, 1 damage.



Let's not waste any more time, then. Finish it, Kanbei and Dipshit!



To add a bit of insult to injury, Kyril goes to take out the enemy medium tank at the factory.



Braddock finishes it off.

So to top it all off, they didn't even finish off the artillery they'd been chasing halfway around the map?!



Casildo, now in the same position Kevin was in earlier, puts the mech out of his capturing misery.



And then, with a single shot, all of the planning, battling and strategising comes to a close in Yellow Comet, as Kevin destroys the pipe seam and liberates the country.

My god, they did it.



It’s the blasted weather! That was the problem! Hssss!

What fucking weather? This wasn’t an Olaf map, however much the game tries to make you believe it is.

The Black Hole Army’s in full retreat. Yes! Father! Sensei! We won! We won!

They certainly did. A stunning performance.

That we did. And an impressive win it was.

Almost perfect. You realise there were zero casualties throughout the whole Yellow Comet campaign?

Today’s battle will long be remembered. Through our combined efforts, our common foe was defeated. I offer my gratitude. Thank you for your aid.

Don’t be foolish! You would’ve done the same for us. Actually, Black Hole was foolish enough to attack us as well. Of course, we defeated them soundly. With…some help from Orange Star.

Orange Star are the best, that’s why.

Well, well… Here come Nell and her troops now.

It’s unfortunate that we didn’t get to see Nell partake in battle.

Long time, no see, Kanbei.

My wife!

Fiancée, surely?

My fiancée! _{Doesn’t have the same ring to it…}

It seems that you have crossed swords with the Black Hole Army, too.

Yes, we have. The strength of the Black Hole Army is immeasurable. Especially the CO named Hawke.

Boy, they really are talking Hawke a big game, aren’t they?

You’ll see why very soon, I’m sure.

We’ve heard reports that he has Green Earth on the verge of defeat.

Impossible!

There’s no time to spare. We must get to Green Earth on the double!

Yellow Comet is with you! Our strength is yours! If we all stand together, there is nothing we need fear!

How cute.



Just shy of a perfect score, too. Still, who's counting?

Well, you, apparently.



Never change, Kanbei. What a boy.



I suppose there's just one nation left, then, and apparently they're not in a good way...



the old heave-ho, Eagle.

That just leaves Green Earth.

Over half of our country is under enemy control, though.

Yes. And it’s high time we took it back, Drake.

Oh boy, these two. This should be interesting - but who’s the newcomer that we saw in the intro?

Are we launching a counteroffensive? Perhaps I can lend a hand.

Speak of the devil and he doth appear.

Wait, is that what the second half of that saying is?

Jess, you’re back!

Jess, huh? That doesn’t give much away about what she does.

What, were you hoping her name was Groundia?

One of the COs is called fucking Eagle, Ruin. He flies planes.

Well, I suppose the precedent is there.

Yes, I am. I couldn’t continue my training abroad with my homeland in danger.

Your timing couldn’t be better! It’s become a ground war, and neither Eagle nor I are any good at that.

Knock it off, Drake! She delayed returning until she knew she’d be met with fanfare, that’s all!

Oh, boy, trouble in paradise.

What are you talking about?

Stow it, Eagle.

Hee hee bote pun

The enemy took us by surprise, nothing more. I can liberate Green Earth on my own, without you underfoot, Red!

As much as this is incredibly arrogant, of all the COs in the game… I believe it when Eagle says it. Hate to say it, but he’s unbelievably strong.

Jess, don’t mind him. He’s angry is all.

I’m not worried about him. I was just thinking that the more things change…

You know, with Eagle in the skies, me at sea, and you on the ground, we’re nigh invincible! Let’s go get our country back!

Oh, she’s actually a ground expert. I thought you were joking.

I am not. She does differ a bit from Max, though. We’ll see exactly how soon.



So, do you want to reunite with the air,



the briny deep,



or terra firma first?

That is a fantastic question, but you already know where we're going next. Just tell me.

That's less fun, though.

***

Part 30 Additional