The Let's Play Archive

Aviary Attorney

by Xander77

Part 26: Character Witnesses

: Oh man, oh man...

Aviary Office

: “We're executing this punk, mob justice, rah rah rah!” But you were all like...

: “This isn't how we do things in France, chicken-pluckers!’ And then they were all like-

: Sparrowson. Let’s get serious for a moment.

: Serious? You just pulled off the craziest lawyering move in the history of French law! We should be celebrating!

: We don’t have time to pull out the champagne. Didn't you see the anger in the rebels’ eyes? Didn't you feel the tension in the air? We're just days away from violence breaking out onto the streets!

: Hmm? Oh, yeah. I guess another revolution might be around the corner. But what exactly can we do? We already told the police everything we know. Unless... you’re not thinking of arming yourself to the teeth and fighting the rebel forces yourself, are you?

: A case? For whom?

: At their core, all historical revolutions center on trials. A nation's rulers are tried and held accountable for their crimes. But you saw the horrendous “trial” that took place last night. Nobody cares about due process when emotions are running high. Regardless of the outcome of the revolution, we need to make sure that everybody has an equal opportunity for justice.

: That makes sense. So what's the plan? We head to Quanelle's tavern and hand out some business cards?

: Think bigger. Who will the rebels target?

: The... king?

: Exactly.

After filling in a pile of forms, the two are led to a waiting area.

: Are you here to see the king?

: That’s right.

: Take... a number?

: Yup. Just wait your turn.

: That’s right. How did you-

: Hey, I know you! You're the prime minister! Monsieur Guizot!

: Oh, wow. You’re right, Sparrowson. It's an honor to meet you, prime

: Spare the formalities. You two are here to offer the king legal aid, aren't you?

: Yup. We're going to offer him assistance for the upcoming rebellion.

: Let me give you a word of advice: don't bother.

: Excuse me?

: One would think that seven assassination attempts would be enough for a man to learn that he is detested.

: With all due respect, prime minister, I think the king of France is mature enough to not let his ego get in the way of senses.

: So one would think.

: That's us. It was a pleasure meeting you, monsieur.

: Good luck. You'll need it.

King Louis Philippe

: Good day, your majesty.

: ...

: ...

: ...

: Can I help you with something?

: Oh. I probably should have prepared a speech before-hand. That would have been smart, huh?

: Just wing it.

: Right! Let's see... how to start...

: Your majesty, what I am about to say is of the utmost importance. Please listen closely.

: Okay. I'm listening.

: Across the whole city, everyone of every class is getting angry. Merde's about to go down, yo.

: S-such vile language!

: We are sure that such a pitiful revolt will blow over in no time at all. Nonetheless, we would like to humbly offer our aid as lawyers. We may be of great use to the throne in this troublesome time.

: ... Hmm. I think I understand.

: You do?

: I understand that you are a pair of con-artists attempting to screw a self-made bourgeois (sic) out of his hard-earned cash!

: Beloved kings tend to experience fewer assassination attempts.

: Beck! Have these two crooks thrown in jail. Maybe that will teach them a thing or two about respect.

: Right away, your majesty.

: You can't be serious.


: Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into.

: There's no need for the attitude, Sparrowson. We won't be in here for long. Once we receive a court hearing, the judges will no doubt dismiss our charges instantly.

: And how long will it take for us to get a court hearing? Tell me that.

: Uh... a week or so, I’ll guessing.

: ... Hmm.

: I can see why that might be a problem. The revolution could be in full-swing by then. What to do, what to do...

: We could try escaping.

: Don't be ridiculous. Nobody has ever escaped from the Conciergerie before.

: Ah, but nobody has ever locked the genius Sparrowson and his witty lackey, Falcon, into the same jail cell before.

: It’s an absurd suggestion.

: Got any better ideas?

: ... Okay. Let's break out of prison.

: Fantastic.

: A ledge! Give me a leg-up, and I can grab on and shimmy my way over... somewhere.

: Let's be honest, Sparrowson. Neither of us have the physical prowess to shimmy anywhere.

: A fireplace. It's been bricked up, so escaping up the chimney isn’t an option.

: There's a bit of a scrap metal in this hole. I think it broke off an iron shackle. We could dig through the stone walls with this! See? ?It's all scratchy!

: That may actually work... if we had a decade or two.

: So that's a “maybe” on the stone-digging scheme?

: Well, I’ll keep it in mind in-case the king decides to go all Count of Monte Cristo on us.

: Look, Falcon! A loose brick! We could wait for a guard to transfer us to some place, sneak up behind him, and then, and then..

: And then we get a death sentence for murder. I think not. Let’s search a little harder.

: There's a little dent here. One of us could hide.

: Hide? What would that accomplish?

: Well, a guard would eventually come in and be like, “where's the other prisoner?” And then we use the momentary confusion to push him over and escape!

: Do you really think an experienced guard would be confused by a prisoner hiding in a little hole in the wall? We can do better.

: I give up.

: So soon?

: Yes. Trying to escape from a notoriously inescapable prison wasn’t the smartest plan we have ever devised.

: That voice... that condescending tone...

Severin Corico

: Séverin! Are you alright?

: Yes, yes. I'm fine. The injuries I sustained were mostly superficial. The doctor advised me not to do anything strenuous any time soon, but he gave the all-clear for returning to my job.

: So, tell me. Why did I get a memo informing me that Jayjay Falcon and Sparrowson were being held in the Conciergerie for treason?

: It’s all Falcon's fault!

: Naturally.

: I figured that, if a revolution is inevitable, then we should do our best to ensure that the uprising proceeds in an organized manner. The less bloodshed, the better.

: Okay. So what did you do?

: We offered the King our assistance. We said that we would defend him in court, if and when such a need arises.

: Well, we didn't quite use those words..

: Tsk. This isn’t the first time the king has had someone imprisoned for something so pointless. What a pig-headed fool. Consider your charges dropped.

: Alright! Let's get out of here.

: Hold on. You've caught my interest with this idea of yours. A bloodless revolution... You are absolutely right in that, if the king is captured, the citizens will devolve into an unruly mob of animals. We should prepare for a formal trial. No, we should preempt it.

: We? You’re going to help us?

: Of course. This isn't a task that can be handled by two birds alone.

: What do you mean by “preempt”, Séverin?

: We go on the offensive. We charge the king with crimes against the French people before the rebels can even act.

: We can do that?

: We can certainly try. I'll start building a case against the king. My argument will be focused on the kings gluttonous and irreverent fiscal policies. His lack of commitment to his socio-political promises.

: And, obviously, his denial of universal suffrage.

: Obviously.

: How am I supposed to defend the king from all that?!

: So I suggest that you take a different approach: appeal to the kings character. Try to win peoples’ hearts with tales of the beloved Citizen King.

: He hasn't been called the Citizen King for, like, ten years..

: It was just a suggestion. But consider this: you don't need to win the case. You just need to make a strong enough argument that the trial is fair. All that remains is ensuring that the King can be peacefully brought to the courthouse when the protests start to turn violent. That’s a job for the police and royal guard. I'll inform Inspector Volerti of our plan so that he can prepare accordingly...At least, I would if I could find him.

: Inspector Volerti is missing?

: Apparently. He's taken an informal leave of absence since Wednesday.

: Hold on, Falcon. One thing eludes me. As you probably figured, Inspector Volerti had me perform an investigation into your past. He thought you were the Viridian Killer, crazy as it sounds. And, well, I'm sorry for doing that. It was quite invasive of me. But I can't help but wonder... Why did you change your name around 1830?

: Because. .. I was ashamed, I suppose. I had a family name to live up to. My grandfather was something of a successful lawyer. So when I turned up to my classes at law school, people would gawp at me. They would say, “wow, you have big shoes to fill," and, “your grandfather would be proud”. But I was a terrible law student. Mediocre, at best. I knew that, deep down, I would never be half the man my grandfather was.

: Fascinating. I had no idea who was your grandfather, if you don't mind me asking, Falcon?

: ...

: I see. Well, let’s not dilly-dally any longer. We have duties to carry out.

: Right! We’re going to find anecdotes, and were going to defend the king, whether he likes it or not!

: Okay. Here we go. Neighthan never lets us down for useful information. I’m sure he's got something interesting and pleasant to say about the king.


: Perhaps you will surprise me today, and actually ask to take out a book.

: Nope, just the usual today. An endless stream of questions.

: You two need an encyclopedia. Well, go on then. Ask whatever drivel you want to ask.

: Have you ever met King Louis-Philippe?

: I have. As a matter of fact, he occasionally drops by this library to check out books. ...Unlike ~some~ people.

: What sort of books does he check out, monsieur?

: Thick books. I believe the last one he checked out was “An Expansive History of the Macedonian Empire”.

:I had no idea that his majesty was interested in academic history.

: I'll make a note: “King Louis-Philippe is a well-read and intelligent man."

: This leads me to believe that the king may just use them to stand on during speeches.

: ...Oh.

: We'll just leave that part out.

{[Neighthan's story]} has been added to your evidence folder.

: Was there anything else?

: From your well-educated standpoint, is King Louis-Philippe a good leader, as far as leaders go?

: Well, I can’t fault the kings pro-business spirit. The big industry leaders love him.

: Oh! This sounds promising.

: Of course, this comes at the expense of everyone who isn’t a bourgeois. The wealth divide is stronger than ever.

: Maybe not.

: And of course, in terms of leadership and charisma, the king is about as personable as a rotten pear..

: That’ll do, monsieur. A simple “no” would have sufficed. Thank you for your time and patience, monsieur.

: Hmph. I look forward to your next round of idiotic questions.

Renard Vulpes

: Visitors, Monsieur Vulpes, visitors!

: We’re doing very well, monsieur. But we don't have much time, so let me cut to the chase. We're collecting positive anecdotes about the king. Would you happen to have any?

: Positive anecdotes, hmm? How curious. As it happens, I have met the king twice. Once, as you know, I was in my Juan Querido persona.

: Oh, right. Of course. I don't think that story will be any use to us. What was the other incident?

: I can tell you. But there is a price.

: Are you serious? You’re such a moneygrabber.

: A fox has to eat, monsieur.

: Fine, fine. How much do you want? Forty francs sound good?

: Ten thousand.

: I, uh... I don’t have that kind of money, monsieur.

: Ah. No matter. I'm sure you'll think of some way of repaying the debt.

: Between that and my medical bills, we should be ready to afford basic things like food by the year... four thousand?

: Let's not worry about the debt for now, messieurs. Let me just tell you the story. It was several years ago. 1841, I believe. I was lingering around the Ile de la Cité. I was in the pursuit of an investigative lead, so I had adopted the persona and outfit of a sickly beggar. That's when I was approached by a kind-faced man. It was the king himself! He took a twenty franc coin out of his pocket.

: The king gave money to a sick beggar? Or at least, someone who looked like a sick beggar? That's great! We can use that!

: I'm not done, monsieur.

: Then he pocketed the coin and left.

: Oh.

: I'll make a note. “Gave financial advice to the poor and needy”.

{[Renard’s story]} has been added to your evidence folder.

: I hope that anecdote was of some use to you, monsieur.

: It might be. But I don't feel that we got ten thousand francs’ worth of material.

: I see. No matter. Just keep me in mind if you ever see a potential client.

: We will. Have a pleasant day, monsieur.

The Three Tenors - Medley: "Ochi Chernye"/"Caminito"/"La vie en rose"

: Ah, just the dodo I wanted to see. Madame Quanelle, quick question: have you ever served the king of France?

: ...

: Good one, hon. That's hilarious.

: Heh.

: I can't wait to serve the king of Denmark! Ha ha!

: I think that was a “no”.

: And I think you might be right.

: The assholes in the card room have absolutely nothing new to say.

: Inspector Volerti?!

: ...

: Hello, inspector.

: JAY... JAY... FALCOooo~

: Y-yes?

: I think... I think I made a mishtake.

: I'll say. Do I see two empty bottles of Russian vodka? It's a mystery how you’re still standing.

: No! Listen. This... thisssss is important.

: Inspector, maybe we should have this conversation when you’re a little more sober.

: NO! No, Falcon! Listen.

: Falcon... I thought... Falcon... I thoughtyouwere the Wardenkirra...

: The what?

: The Viridian Killer!

: The... the man who injured me in the.. in the Juwai Reeebushun.

: You thought I was the Viridian Killer? How did you even come to that conclusion?

: I saw that... that you changed your name around eight... eighteen thirty and... I, and...

: You made an assumption.

: I'm shorry, Falcon! It wasss a mistake!

: Do you... forgive me?

: Yeah. Sure. I forgive you for assuming that I'm a mass murderer, and then for nearly getting me and Severin killed in order to prove it.

: Oh, thanoo... thankyou, Fffffalcon.

: Now, listen closely, Inspector. I have a favor to ask of you.

: A favor? For yooouuu, Jayjay... anything.

: Maybe we should wait until the inspector is a little more coherent.

: I must pay my debt.

: Excellent. So, Séverin and I are planning a case - a very big case - against the king of France. We intend on trying him before the rebels can get their hands on him. When the rebellion starts, we would like you to bring the king to the courthouse.

: ...

: Inspector?

: ...

: This isn’t treason, Inspector. We're ensuring the safest outcome to an inevitable revolution.

: You are tree... you treesonou... you are treassoun...

: You are sssscum!

: Told you. Incoherent.

: Yeah. I guess you were right, Sparrowson. Well, Inspector, maybe you should contact us if you change your mind... and once you’ve sobered up.

: And back again.

: Time for some shopping, Falcon?

: Maybe later. For now, we need to find people who've spoken to the king. He's been known to pass through Les Halles on occasion, so if we're lucky..

Saint Saëns Carnival Kangaroo

: We remember. Are you keeping well, madame?

: Absolutely. Never been better. So what can I sell ya today?

: Information. We're looking for positive stories about the king. I don't suppose that you have any?

: The king? No. I haven't got nothin’ to say about the king.

: The king's a... a...

: Quiet, child. Ya know what they say about the king havin' spies everywhere.

: S-Spies?!

: Calm down, Sparrowson. The rumors of the king having an elaborate spy network are patently untrue.

: Then how do ya explain the shut down banquets, huh? The government's clampin’ down on anyone who dissents, ya know.

: Let's get this conversation back on track. Joey, can you tell us why the king's a smelly egg thief?

: My name's not Joey..

: It's nothin’ you need to concern ya'selves with, messieurs.

: Please go on, madame.

: Don't worry. We aren’t spies. At least, I don’t think we are...

: I know. I trust you guys. See, a couple of years ago, we were runnin' a shop. An antiques and odds and ends shop.

: And... and... we had an egg...

: We were pining (sic?) on making a nice tidy sum from it.

: I see. An investment egg. So what happened?

: Well, one day, we were visited, by the king no less. And old King Lou-Phil shows an interest in our egg. So we were thinkin' this would be our chance to make bank, right? But then the geezer just goes and waddles off with it!

: Without paying you?

: Oh yeah. He paid us alright.

: What's this?

: I think this is British. One of those crazy imperial unit coins from a crazy imperial country.

: I have no idea what the British-French exchange rate is, but can we buy this off you, madame?

: Put ya wallet away and keep it. It's worthless to me.

{[Sautanne's coin]} has been added to your evidence folder.

: Losin' that egg bankrupted us. It put us out on the streets.

: That's excellent to hear. Anyway, we must take our leave. You’ve been a huge help, madame.

: We're going to go kick that king's butt and get your egg back!

: Finally. It’s about time someone around here appreciated my skills.

: Your ~fishing~ skills, right?

: The term is ~angling~, wise guy.

: This has nothing to do with fishing. Let me cut the preamble. We are looking for people who have positive stories about the king. Would you happen to have any?

: Stories, huh? You came to the right guy. I have a whale of a story for you. So, the other day, I was fishing, and I caught this monster of a catfish. It was two meters long, easily.

: Oh, sure. I drag a ninety kilogram falcon out the water, and everyone buys it. But I claim to catch one big fish, and suddenly everyone's a skeptic.

: Please continue your story, Monsieur Kingly.

: Oh, right. So, anyway, the king of all people happens to be walking by with his entourage. And they all clapped and cheered and came over to see the fish. And then the king says, “’I'm hungry. Let's cook this fellow up.” And then he just walks off with my fish! Can you believe that?

: I can believe that. It seems like something a royal penguin would do.

: Did you at least get paid for your fish?

: Oh, yes. One of the royal guards was nice enough to flip one franc my way.

: Ah ha! So the king supports the local fishing industry. I'm writing this down!

{[Toussaint's story]} has been added to your evidence folder.

: I have no idea if this story will be of any use to us, but we appreciate your time, monsieur. Good day to you.

: Bye, Monsieur fisherman!

: Hey! Don't call me a fisherman!

: Excuse me, Judge Maxime.

: Oh, hello Falcon.

: Really? I’m gaining a reputation?

: Hey! I helped too!

: Of course you did, uh... Robinton?

: Sparrowson.

: Right. Sparrington.

: Judge Maxime, I don't suppose Monsieur Cocorico has filled you in on what we've been working on since then.

: No, he hasn't.

: Hmm... how to put this...

: We're planning a trial, of sorts. We intend on forming a case against, uh...

: The king!

: Right, and uh...

: We want you to adjudicate!

: A trial against the king? Interesting. What are his exact charges?

: I'm not sure, to be perfectly honest. That seems more like Séverin's territory.

: Hmm. If you aren't even sure of that, then I don't think you’re quite prepared for this trial...

: I see. Well, thank you anyway.

: Let's make a move, Sparrowson.

: What about our judge?

: It doesn't matter. Let's focus on building a solid defense case for the king, and we can wing it from there. Maybe we can even hold the trial without any judges at all. Just Cocorico, me, and the king in the middle.

: It's strange. Falcon, you're like your grandfather... and yet, you're nothing like him.

: Well, I wouldn't say “knew”. I was just a teenager when he was causing havoc in the courtrooms. But of course, I am familiar with his work.

: Falcon, I find your career choice peculiar. Your grandfather worked so hard to prosecute King Louis XVI, and yet here you are, rigorously working to defend your own king. Just like him, you would make an excellent prosecutor. So why did you choose the rocky path of the private defender?

: To be honest, I’m not entirely sure. Maybe I just wanted to take myself out of my grandfather's shadow. I want to carve my own path as a lawyer. I don’t want to be a poor imitation of an old hero.

: Quite understandable. Oh, just look at the time. I'm due back in the courtroom. But before I go, let me just say that I would be happy to adjudicate your trial, Falcon.

: Really? That's fantastic! Thank you, your honor.

: It’s no trouble.