Part 3: Chapter ThreeChapter Three
So, last time we were headed to the surprisingly-non-renamed Figaro Castle.
Fashizzle my nizzle!
All of the guards will frantically stop you if you try to go into the bowels of the castle without talking to the king.
So, we'll go talk to the king.
Right after our shopping spree.
AIDS Cure: Cures poison status.
Stone Pin: Cures stone status.
ATTN-Whore: Cures mute status.
Apartment: Tent, cures all members HP/MP at save points and on world maps.
We can also buy some tools.
AutoCrossbow: A crossbow, attacks all enemies for decent damage.
RaverShitHed: Noiseblaster, confuses all enemies.
Gas Chamber: Bio-based attack on all enemies.
Now that we're stocked up, it's king-time.
OMGWTFBBQ: ...Now THIS is why we can't have nice things!!
El Bruco: Hey now! Say what you will about my tactics, but quit looking at my bum, bumlooker!
This is El Pinto Grande. I have no idea where the El Bruco came from in the lines we just saw.
EPG: I am... ... EL PINTO GRANDE! OLE!
Pipebomb: Just shut the fuck up Pinto nobody cares about you!
Pipebomb: You think youre so cool because youre an admin but you aint shit buddy so fuck you.
EPG: Oh C'mon, there's always room for Jello.
EPG: Well, Im getting some Jello. Ill be back when you decide to stop crying.
OMGWTFBBQ: Dont you have any useful advice to dispense for no good reason?
EPG: Yes. If there's grass on the field, then play ball. If not, don't fucking videotape it, asshole! Take that, Capitalism!
OMGWTFBBQ: Excuse me, I would like to start a serious conversation.
OMGWTFBBQ: Could there be a third side to this triangle of deceit?
The guards spout some new phrases now...
But to progress the plot, we have to talk to the matron in the west tower, as usual.
Ms Bagpus: Well, maybe it would were I not so completely revolted by humanity.
Ms Bagpus: Piss off, damn raver queer ass queer raver humping queer!
Ms Bagpus: Fucking goddamn wrestling wanna-be motherfucker.
This is Ozma, one of my favorite characters. Again, still not sure what the Ms Bagpus shit was all about. Was the name changed later or something?
With that little bit of exposition finished, let's head back and talk to El Pinto.
Unnamed Guard: Mr Grande sir! 2 nerds and a midget are coming over the hill!
EPG: Their power level is fantastic, I will have to use all my power and more!
Todd: Oh no, my flip-flops! Whats the deal with the whole cathle in the dethert motif? Thats tho horribly retro.
Todd: Hey, how about a handjob, thexy?
Pirates: LOL G2G!
Todd: Now THATS how you put the lotion on its skin!
In case you haven't noticed, Todd is what some might call a stereotype.
Todd: All your base are belong to us!
Okay no fuck this. Skipping ahead about ten screenshots.
Yeah, no, we really didn't need to sit through All Your Base in 2011. Am I not merciful?
Pipebomb: OMG UPS man is here I need to get up but I cant because my sister broke one of my crutches!
Anyways, off to the east tower for bedtime.
OMGWTFBBQ: how'd you manage an office job with that that lovely grammar? Shouldn't you be spitting in a bin full of McNuggets somewhere?
Pipebomb: You are far too cocky for my tastes and I do not like the taste of cock in my mouth!
Pipebomb: PS: I fucked your dad, he is a homo.
Pipebomb: PPS: Your mom filmed it, she is a freak.
Pipebomb: mkay? In summation, we rulr, pirates drool.
OMGWTFBBQ: Pirates... but I'm a pirate! A big scary pirate, YARRRR!
Pipebomb: Well, at least your'e not some wimpy bitch magician girl trying to join our quest! Keep em barefoot and pregnant, I say! Give me any lip and youll get smacked, ho!
OMGWTFBBQ: I don't understand.. What should I do?
Pipebomb: I can't tell you what to do right now. I have to go make pee-pee.
Fade to black for bedtime when SUDDENLY!
EPG: We're FINE Todd. We're just.. cleaning.
Todd: You're cleaning huh?
EPG: yes. cleaning.
Todd: ... with fire?
EPG: ... yes. its nature's water.
Soldier: But... there are only 3 of them...
EPG: Do iiiit!
Todd: If you needed help tidying up, you could have just called.
EPG: Look Todd, I really love it when you visit and all, but...
EPG: Hey look behind you!!
Cue dramatic chocobo jump!
Todd: I'm beginning to think you dont like me, Senor' poopypants!
EPG: No time to explain, we have to leave now!!
Pipebomb: But my Hello Kitty Electric vibrat I mean toothbrush is still in there!
Soldier: He activated the self-destruct AGAIN?
Stolen from Syrg
More instadeath enemies. Really cuts down on the dramatic tension of the escape, doesn't it?
OMGWTFBBQ: What exactly was the point of all that?
I think OMGWTF just summed up the entire game for us.