Part 8: Chapter EightChapter Eight
Last time we saw Ms Ozma, she had jumped into a river and drowned.
Ozma goes and visits the house, momentarily ignoring Isnoop hanging out down there in the corner.
Kyro: Howdy. I sell pornographic pictures of myself! Well, not really, but I can pretend...Okay then!
>See the porn
Neat, check out all this stuff we don't need!
I bought a bunch of Insults for when Pipebomb comes back into the picture. I also bought Ms Ozma a Clownhat.
Cranky Steve: You have cake! I love cake!
Ozma: Uh...no. I don't have cake.
Cranky Steve: Cake Cake Me Love Cake, Cake Makes Me Drop My Pants, Drop My Pants For The No Pants Dance.
Cranky Steve: Got it! Don't go pissing in the dishwashed, I don't want you to infect the spoons.
Cranky Steve: You want corn? I give you corn. So much corn do I give.
Cranky Steve: Goodness! Then you must be...You're here about my glue! Quick, put your face into the glue!
This guy's supposed to be crazy, but in this game it's hard to tell.
Cranky Steve: Phew! You sound a bit like TACO TEH WONDER DOUGH. Erebus...? Ain't no Taco 'Round here! Bollocks! Ya killed Erebus in Canada, ye bastards! GET OUT!
And then he kicks us out.
I guess we can stop ignoring Isnoop now.
Welcome a super friend?
Isnoop: In other news, the president has just declared Iraq as "New Texas".
So here's Isnoop. There's one major reason why, gameplay-wise, he's my favorite character.
He can use Shock.
General Leo can suck it.
He's also got Takedown for counterattacks but as far as I know the dog isn't even renamed and neither is the attack so it's boring.
The intrepid duo make their way to the Pirate Base.
Evil Canadian: This is gay!
Newbs: Yeah man, totally gay.
Evil Canadian: GAY!
Newbs: GAY GAY GAY!
Evil Canadian: Shut the gay up, you stupid gay.
Newbs: This whole pirate base is some sort of like, gay pirate base, totally. Gay.
I'd like to warn everyone that the contents of this scene may contain scornful speech involving homosexuals. You've been advised!
Todd: You! I want you to find a bunny and give it to some children. Then I want you to shoot the bunny in the head. If you need me, I'll be thinking up reasons to kill Jews.
Todd scampers off to the south.
Newbs: The sad part is, he wasn't always evil. Like that one time, at band camp...
Evil Canadian: Ohohoho! You are a funny one you are! So funny, you are almost...EEEEVIL!
I hate all of these people.
Newbs: umm. Shouldn't we beat up the people INSIDE the castle?
Luigi's Discount Porn Bin: I said what I mean and I MEAN what I SAY! HOOOOOOOO!
Luigi's Discount Porn Bin: Attack!
The castle is in dire trouble!
Fiwer: Angst Angst Baby!
I am the poet, The Prophet of the pit, Like a hollow-point bullet, straight to the head, I never missed...you.
I was curious, so I looked it up. Here's the source of those awful lyrics in the first image.
Do people really listen to this terrible garbage? I'm going to stop the video right now, as I've been listening for two minutes too long.
It's Jeddite, ladies and gentlemen!
Fiwer: Hey Jeddite, I was wondering...
Jeddite: For the last time, Fiwer, no dogs on the moon!
Jeddite: I need the police, the Carlton Gang is breaking in!
So, time for a new character! Time to get used to another switched around skillse
Oh. Never mind. Boring.
Fighting the grunts means nothing and earns no exp and is a dumb waste of time.
So instead, you need to kill this dude.
Pirate: Luigi's Discount Porn Bin has been defeated! The system is failing! THE SYSTEM!!
Jeddite: So who all wants some chicken?!
With that settled, let's get back to Ozma and Isnoop.
SMASH brings the dogs in...
BIG SMASH brings the guard in!
Down south, we find these guys.
Apparently, Doma has been renamed to Banned.
Rope Kid: Rope Kid hates them all because Rop Kid does not dance!
Adam Bowen: General. We're ready to keel-haul the castle.
Rope Kid: Patience! If we attack now, we'll have to see their dangly penises. No fighting during naked time!!
Sound military strategist at work here, folks.
Adam Bowen: Gay penis fag. Touch my penis. You're a home. Word. I concur.
Rope Kid: I conquer, you're a house.
Adam Bowen: Bollocks!
I sure hope I didn't ruin the humor by fixing the grammar because it was awful in this section.
Rope Kid: I can't lose you, Adam. You still have many urinals to run head-first into. Besides, you're just a skinny nerd with weak calves. It would be pathetic.
Adam Bowen: I love you Rope Kid!
Different soldier. Same great look.
Vulpix: It is my opinion that your favorite anime sucks. You also need to brush your teeth.
Rope Kid: You are a huge turd of a moron and you need to stop fucking your mom.
Rope Kid: Boy howdy! I know what I'll do! Imma go on a vacation!
Vulpix: Careful, Jimbeam will put you in the whole!
Rope Kid: I'll leave the insane evil fruit Todd in charge. Hopefully he won't be up to any nefariousness.
Vulpix: Nefariousness? NO! Not Todd!
Rope Kid: This dialogue has been brought to you by the letter Y.
I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
Isnoop gives us his opinion of this interchange.
Oh, Todd, you so wacky.
Rope Kid: You're not doing that stupid Kool-Aid plan again, are you?
Todd: Loser! Kool-Aid makes people cool, it said so in the commercials! They will all go out snowboarding, and the castle will be ours!
I take back what I said about him being a sound military strategist.
Todd: Is the Kool-Aid ready?
Soldier: Yes, but I don't understand.
Todd: It doesn't matter! I'm in charge now. Pour it!
Soldier: I don't think pouring Kool-Aid will do any...
Todd: Do it! DOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIT!
Isnoop's had enough of this stupid shit.
Can't say I blame him.
Todd: Oh, hey fellas! I'm going to teach you how to sing!
Ozma: And I'm going to teach you how to get glass shards repeatedly jammed into your thick retard skull!
Todd: Neat! It'll be like a trade!
This made me laugh, not gonna lie.
Spoiler: This fight didn't go well for Todd.
Ozma: Todd! Wait up, you fag!
Todd: "Fag," she says... Do I look like a faggot?
Isnoop just looks on in silence. I imagine he's sighing right now.
Todd: Huh!? To the LEFT!
The second fight has similar results.
This wins us a Nazi helmet, a nice upgrade for Ozma.
A shock later and everything's candy.
Ohh, that's just nasty.
Todd: Because I hate love and justice and teddy bears! And I kick puppies and stomp on all the pretty flowers I see! I will stomp on some right now! Die, flowers!
Meanwhile, at Banned...
Jeddite: Huh? The water looks odd...
Voice from the sky: Jeddite always Wins!
This line shows up about five times throughout this sequence. I don't know what the significance of it is.
The significance of this, however, speaks for itself.
Jeddite: To the Jedditemobile!
Fiwer: Can I flee with you?
Jeddite: No! You get to stay here in your lonely angst!
Seeing emoticons in FF6 text strikes me as funny everytime it happens.
Jeddite: You laughed at that gypsy who made us all allergic to Kool-Aid. Now everybody's FUCKING DEAD.
Peniscurve: sorry d00d
Peniscurve: l8r sk8r
Jeddite: What the fuck have you been smoking?!
Peniscurve: Nothing man...except for that pound of crystal meth earlier. I was just dealing with Elvis Presley who was telling me that he is an angel and that he has been killed twice and that as a child he was kidnapped from Graceland by the Jackson 5 and brought to St. Louis where he was beaten until he agreed to run for president, but was able to escape before the election.
The best part of this scene is the dramatic music playing in the background during his little speech.
Jeddite doesn't seem too upset about losing his lady.
Jeddite: Wait a tic! ! THE GUNOWNER??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jeddite: YOU PLAYED THE TUNE, NOW IT'S TIME TO PAY THE PIPER!
Things change when it comes to children, though. Jeddite is a family man.
Jeddite: I guess you can't really give them a ticket or anything, can you?
DipesXP: What? I'm the Scourge of the Seven Seas, foo!
Ozma: Time to die, Space Gnome!
Jeddite: THANK YEWWWWW! XOXOXO
Insert picture of Isnoop shocking things here.
Ozma: Stupid damn hippies living in their damn hippie trees! It is because of them we should nuke the moon!
Jeddite: Your opinions intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter!
Shocking battle! Oh ho ho!
Jeddite: I like watching half-naked men dance! A dance of doom! For you! Die!
Ozma: Look...ummm...All Your Pirate Base Are Belong To Us!
Jeddite: Thou hast not made the funny.
Swish bang kaboom here's some experience and moneys.
Ozma: That's the American spirit, keep up the good work!
Jeddite: But what of my home, my family...my friends?
I love you, Ozma. Never change.
Pirate: Go! Get their teeth!
Ozma: Teeth are for gay people...that's why fairies come and get 'em.
Ozma: I'll explain later! Relax. Just climb in! It'll make you feel gooood.
Jeddite: Ms Ozma! How do you use these? Hey Ms Ozma? Ms Ozma! You, Ms Ozma!
Ozma: Goddammit, this is no time to establish your annoying quirks!
Ozma: Now listen! Just use those levers located by your hands.
Jeddite: Ms Ozma!! You are COMEDY GOLD!
Ozma: Suck it FUCKER!
Pirate: Hey! What are you doing with your bad funky self!
Ozma: Sometimes it pays to have brains as big as your bra size.
Trying to go back to Banned nets you this.
So instead, let's fight this dude.
...who autodies. Welp.
The next two aren't any more difficult.
Oxxiox: Oxxiox had a penis, but now it is no more. What Oxxiox thought was H20 was H2S04.
Jewbob: Hey guys! I'm stalking that aZn chick again! Wanna hear about it?
One interesting thing I found while healing between fights...
We're gonna be carrying around that urine for a while
Ozma: And if you say I have to go through a stupid haunted forest, I will kill you.
Jeddite: Canada, eh? Only one route, through the stupid haunted forest to the south.