The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

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Original Thread: Slam with the Best or Jam with the Rest! (Shut up and Jam Gaiden)



Why should I give a shit?

Charles Barkley's character class is Slam Master. You can also download it for free! A mirror! There will also be chances for participation in a few key areas, as well a contest for platinum/avatar, that will be discussed by update 3.

Table of Contents

Big Fancy Contest---------- Threat Level = LEVEL 1 B-BALLOCALYPSE
It's over!

Posters of Excellence

Special thanks to the cumulative efforts of Daionus the 23rd, Psion, RandomFerret and pkmnfrk for creating this little beauty

KirbyKhan 1 point(s)!

Blackbelt Bobman 10 point(s)!

Onepixeljumpman 4 point(s)!

SkurvyKip 9 point(s) !

The Best Poem Ever Written
By Pump

I write in haiku
Japan's style of poems
Because it is best

All you Westerners
Think sonnets are amazing
You are all gaijins

Your minds numbed by sports
You can't even comprehend
The genius of it

Glorious Nippon
All my life I've always known
That I belong there

But I am stuck here
With your pitiful excuse
Of musical taste

One day hopefully
I can reside in Japan
With all great vidcons

Starkclamp 5 point(s)!

Doublegomez 13 point(s) !

Original Entry 1

I imagine he would say something like this if he were to hear someone liked Heavy Rain. He would get way to into it that's for sure.

"You have an exquisite taste in vidcons. Heavy Rain is one of few Western games that has proven itself worthy of being on my shelf. The story proves itself to be tense, gripping, and of course intelligent. Every moment I try to predict what will happen next, but the game always took a different turn causing me to fall back in disbelief. Games should look at Heavy Rain and learn from the steps it took forward. The game play is ingenious. Having the entirety of the game be a cutscene with occasional choices thrown in, truly creates a mixture of story and game play.

The only way for this to be better is if you were to have the Japanese make it. They would take the game a step beyond and make all the characters have incredible back story. The main character would be impulsive and rash, but only because he could never get the love of his parents, the FBI agent would have grown up in the slums where he had to live on his own, the private investigator would have had a fantastic life where he got anything he wanted until his father's business went bankrupt and his brother was murdered, and of course the woman would have grown up a coward and because of it she would have dependency issues. Yes, this would be the greatest game to have ever been made. Ahem, but that is merely my speculation. What would you think of that game? Having come up with the game I would be somewhat biased, so you shouldn't just go with what I think."

Original Entry 2

You like River City Ransom, ha that game has no sense of plot that it falls beneath any other games. The plot boils down to a girl gets kidnapped and we have to go rescue her, but to your Neanderthal minds that just might be all you can comprehend. You should start playing games with plots of intrigue. Final Fantasy has had many comprehensive plots. Final Fantasy VIII especially had one where all the characters showed that they where equally important to the plot. Final Fantasy X had even a better plot where the main character was directly related to the plot and everyone acted as intelligently as they could even when the situation seemed completely out of control. Not only do they have exquisite plots the turn-based combat truly makes you think of what to do next. Seeing as how you do not enjoy these games and you enjoy River City Ransom, I can only assume you enjoy pitiful games such as Double Dragon and Megaman. Try to please my taste next time.

RandomFerret 4 Point(s)! Written Contest 3 Winner!
I don't know why you feel the need to come up with a 'contest' for this thread.

The point of Let's Play has always been, to me anyway, showcasing the original work of the creators, not this self-aggrandizing 'LP Superstar' nonsense. I read a screenshot LP or watch a video LP so that I can have an experience I would not otherwise be able to have, either because the subject in question was released on an inferior system like the xbox 360 or nintendo wii which I have no interest in supporting, or because the time involved in playing it would take more than the relative value of the experience in totality.

In this case, I would sooner experience this particular example in the compressed form of a let's play because I am quite a fast reader and so am able to absorb the material much more quickly than I would be able to by playing it myself. My time is valuable to me, and in the time it would take to go through one update's worth of gameplay I can read your post, watch the latest Madoka Magica, and pen up the outline of a review for my blog.

I sincerely appreciate the work that you have done, as it has let me be more productive while also experiencing a good vidcon, but please don't take it as anything more than that. It distracts from the vidcon itself, which is really the reason we're all here. In the words of Yusuke from the excellent series Yu Yu Hakusho, "話をしないでください、それはあなたが愚かな音になります"

Enttry 2

            ____            _____   _  __ _       ______ __     __
           |  _ \    /\    |  __ \ | |/ /| |     |  ____|\ \   / /
           | |_) |  /  \   | |__) || ' / | |     | |__    \ \_/ /
           |  _ <  / /\ \  |  _  / |  <  | |     |  __|    \   /
           | |_) |/ ____ \ | | \ \ | . \ | |____ | |____    | |   _
           |____//_/    \_\|_|  \_\|_|\_\|______||______|   |_|  | )
  ___ _  _ _   _ _____   _   _ ___     _   _  _ ___  
 / __| || | | | |_   _| | | | | _ \   /_\ | \| |   \ 
 \__ \ __ | |_| | | |   | |_| |  _/  / _ \| .` | |) |
 |___/_||_|\___/  |_|    \___/|_|   /_/ \_\_|\_|___/ 

                            _  _   __  __   _    ___   _   ___ ___  ___ _  _ 
                         _ | |/_\ |  \/  | (_)  / __| /_\ |_ _|   \| __| \| |
                        | || / _ \| |\/| |  _  | (_ |/ _ \ | || |) | _|| .` |
                         \__/_/ \_\_|  |_| (_)  \___/_/ \_\___|___/|___|_|\_|

    C H A P T E R   1   O F   T H E   H O O P Z   B A R K L E Y   S A G A



                                   __  __
                                  /  \/  \         
                                  \      /
                                   \    /
                                    \  /

                           Dating Mechanics Guide
                           Copyright (c)2008-2011 


 Author: RaNdOmFeRrEt
 E-mail: holy_shit_ninjas_1985[at]hotmail[dot]com
 Updated: 05/03/11
 Version: 1.0

 NOTE: This guide does contain spoilers!


There is a hidden integer in the game, which I will call the Affection Value. 
It represents the friendship between Cyberdwarf and Charles.

As the game proceeds, certain decisions or tasks you undertake will change this 
value. If you want to date Charles, you need to prepare for it from the very 
beginning of the game.


Decisions you make during the story change the AV (Affection Value). From the
beginning until the point Cyberdwarf joins your party, you should avoid optional
dialogue, because it will not effect the AV. It's a measure of Cyberdwarf and
Charles' feelings, remember? If Cyberdwarf isn't there, how can it change his
opinion of Charles? Once Cyberdwarf joins the party, then you can backtrack.

Give neo-shekels to child        + 5
Do not give neo-shekels to child - 5

Give neo-shekels to bum          + 5
Do not give neo-shekels to bum   - 5

Agree to help rewrite the poem:  + 10
Refuse to help rewrite the poem: - 10
Use Cyberdwarf's suggestions:    + 5
Use Balthios' suggestions:       - 1
Use Vinceborg's suggestions:     - 10
(note: you pretty much have to miss out on the snail zauber to date Charles. Every
single one of Vinceborg's suggestions you use costs you 10 AV)

Apologize to Wildman             + 10
Do not apologize to Wildman      + 5 (I don't know why this is)

Never take the ferry, since it involves fighting Balthios as a Duergar. Beating
a results in a whopping - 50 AV! Cyberdwarf does not like having to fight any
dwarves! It is the single biggest AV loss in the game, and will completely destroy
your chances to date Charles. 

Talk to a duergar                + 1
Talk to a genie                  - 5

Each question has four answers. One that greatly benefits the duergars, one that
slightly benefits the duergars, one that slightly benefits the genies, and one
that greatly benefits the genies. These are worth + 5, + 1, - 5 and - 10,

Give neo-shekels to Dick Vitale  + 5
Do not give neo-shekels to Dick  - 5


Even if you do everything right, you'll wind up with less than the 100 points
you need to date Charles. That's where the combat AV points come in. In combat,
each action you take has an effect on the Affection Value.

Cyberdwarf gets killing blow              + 1
Cyberdwarf falls in battle                - 5
Charles uses a healing item on Cyberdwarf + 1

As you can see, it is absolutely vital that Cyberdwarf not be allowed to fall 
in battle. Not only will it immediately take five points away from the AV, but it
will also make it much harder for him to get in the killing blow. It is
essentially 6 missed points from the AV.


If you have followed this guide, you now have more than enough AV to date Charles.
Just answer the questions the same way as if you were going for Cynthia Cooper,
and Charles will interrupt.

To get the best possible outcome, see my Dating Answers FAQ on gamefaqs or my website.


This guide is original work written by me. If you want to use it on your site,
please ask permission.

Elite 3 Point(s)!
Entry 1
Tell me why is it that books and movies are accepted parts of today's culture yet vidcons are still dismissed as childish? Is this God's sadistic sense of humor? That the most intellectually stimulating entertainment is outright rejected by the masses?

Academic, artistic and sporting achievements are celebrated by society, but gaming accomplishments are actively mocked. I mean honestly pulling off a 110% completition pacifist run on expert mode on Star Saga : Bullet Brigade is a thousand times more difficult than Olympic level athletics, but did I get a medal? No, instead all I got was "That's nice dear, now would you tidy your room". Really, a being of my peerless talent being reduced to domestic chores? Mother, I am a gaming GENIUS and in a better world that would earn me showers of praise. A vidcon connoisseur of my standing deserves nothing less.

Mark my words, in years to come the persecution of the nerd will be likened to racism. For too long have we been oppressed and downtrodden by our inferiors, by the ignorant and the uncultured, and when the world finally opens its eyes it will weep at what it has wrought.

Entry 2
I'm surprised you missed the fight against clone CloneBarkley. Well it's kind of obscure, but you've been pretty thorough so I thought you'd get it. Anyway you have to let Barkley fall and get revived 5 times in a single battle, then when you win the fight Barkely will comment that he was "off his game". This triggers a extra mission on the bouty hunter quest board, but when you go to hunt down the monster you instead fall into a trap set by Charles Barkley's evil twin.

Turns out whilst Spalding was trying to duplicate the ultimate b-ball other forces were trying to duplicate the ultimate b-ball player. Whilst they succeeded in imitating Barkley's power they couldn't copy his soul. In the end you kinda feel sorry for the clone - he never had b-ball, just scientific tests. He was always told he was inferior to the real thing, yet people still resented him for the purge. He was always compared to something he could never be, yet still blamed for something he hadn't done. It's all pretty deep really.

Entry 3
Can someone explain to me why people keep spouting "There's no such thing as hardcore vidconners and casual vidconners, they are all vidconners!" like it's a mark of grand enlightment? Different people have different tastes and when you start grouping together people with disparate, even antithetical, views then your terminology quickly becomes meaningless.

When people want different things there will always be some degree of conflict and the key issue is understanding what causes that conflict to arise.

The simple fact is that some vidconners are more educated, more literate and dare I say more competent. It is a sad twist of fate that the grandest vidcon-ubermenchen are now being abandoned in favor of degenerate usurpers. The label 'vidconner' meant something once, but nowadays even my grandmother could call herself one. You see the vidcon industry no longer cares about providing moving experiences, instead it focuses on dangling shiny baubles in front of simple-minded fools.

Daionus the 23rd 1 Point(s)!

So, have you ever heard of how you can unlock the secret demo for Chapter 2? It's pretty easy. Just beat the game twice and make sure that in the second playthrough, when you are given a choice (like the moral decisions or your way of getting to L.I.B.E.R.T.Y. island), it must the one OPPOSITE of the one you picked on the first playthrough. By going through just about everything, you are rewarded with a Demo that goes from the intro to when you leave Dorfenvale.

Hitlersaurus Christ 1 Point(s)!
If you beat the game in Victorian Steampunk mode, you can choose to replay it in Space Marine mode.

CuddlyZombie1 Point(s)!
It's actually possible to keep Vinceborg in your party. The game's currency is neo-shekels, and as we all know, shekels are the currency of Israel, which was founded in 1948. According to the HEBREW calendar, however, it was founded in the year 5708. When you get to the cutscene where he normally leaves your party, the combined HP and VP of everyone in the party must be EXACTLY 1,948, and you must have EXACTLY 5,708 neo-shekels. The various opportunities to donate neo-shekels help make it easier to get the numbers to match up.

ThemeMusicC 1 Point(s)!

What is important is how to get the Golden B-Ball.

So we recently learned that you can raise a B-Ball of your own, and that many people weren't aware of how useful it was. However, fewer people still know that you can breed B-Balls.

You have to hold onto the poetry Vinceborg wrote, not giving it to Eric; this means you can't get the Snail Zauber, but it's worth it. When you get to the B-Ball Dimension, head to the farm and show it to Coach Guokas. He'll be so moved by the poem that he'll give you a second pen and B-Ball, opening up the ability to breed B-Balls.

Now, there are a few things you need to know:

1) Only mature B-Balls can breed, so you have to raise them and then either spend the night or leave and reenter the B-Ball dimension.
2) Breeding kills one of the B-Balls, because B-Balls are just like Preying Mantises.
3) Breeding them is fucking expensive, so make sure you wish for money from Kazaam.

As N.N. Ashe mentioned, it's moderately inexpensive to max out 3 of a B-Ball's stats, while leaving the other at zero. We actually want to do that. For reference, I'll be referring to each B-Ball by what it's zero stat is.

First, raise a Zero strength and Zero vigor B-Ball. Save your game and then let them breed. You have a pretty good chance of getting your first differently-colored B-Ball, an ABA B-Ball. Raise this ball with zero speed. Afterwards, send whichever normal B-Ball that survived breeding out to pasture (just talk to Coach to get a new one for a small fee), and raise another B-Ball, this time with zero Wisdom. Save, breed the two balls, and you should get the next B-Ball, this one being the Metal B-Ball.

Now, hopefully the ABA B-Ball survived the breeding; if not you need to reload your save. Now, you have to raise the Metal B-Ball so it has max in everything. Breed these two together to get the penultimate B-Ball, the Ghost B-Ball. Raise this one just like the Metal B-Ball (if it died in breeding, reload the save), max in everything, let the two breed, and pray. If you did everything right, you should be the owner of a Golden B-Ball!

Besides being the ultimate weapon for Barkley, the Golden B-Ball multiplies all the Neo-Shekels you get from anywhere by a thousand; enemies, chests, random events, you name it. Of course, if you had enough money to raise the Golden B-Ball, why would you need it?

Weebly 1 Point(s)!

There is a weapon called the MonSTARS Ball. This ball allows you to steal an ability from every type of enemies killed OR take 10% of a creatures STATS like strength, speed, def etc and add it to your own.

To find it: First, during the Storm (BSaJ:G would have a full weather/ day night cycle) of Proto Neo New York you need to find the Halle Berry before your fight with the GhostDad. With the Berry in your inventory you need to fight the Ghostdad and lose. You will then find yourself revived at Juwanna Mann's shack like nothing had happened at all.

Then you must go back and defeat the Ghostdad. A chime would then play like when you hit continue in Mortal Kombat. When you defeat Scott Creelman he begins screaming and looking like he is melting. He then turns into Swackhammmer, the amusement park owner from Space Jam. Defeating him a second times nets the MonSTARS ball instead of the proto-type b-ball.

Oh and Kaboom Dragoon would like you to know that this game is cannon.

Also, becuase this game is obscure, please use spoiler text for plot we have not reached! Lets make this enjoyable for first timers

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