The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 1: Bios, Game Mechanics, Items & Such


Charles Barkley
Class: Slam Master
Armor Class: Threads
Weapon Class: BBall
He lives in constant guilt of destroying the world around him and hurting the ones he loves the most.

Hoopz Barkley
Son, expert vidcon gamer/ hacker. Has grown up in a world where BBall is illegal, and still practices daily.

Balthios James
Class: Zuabermancer
Armor Class: Coat
Weapon Class: Zuaber
That's Balthios, the ocotoroon great grandson of Lebron James. He doesn't like to talk about himself, but he's a good guy.

Ultimate Hellbane
That's the Ultimate Hellbane, the cloaked octoroon. He doesn't like to talk about himself, but he's a good guy.
update He's totally Balthios's twin brother He's Balthios!

Lebron James
He has long since pasted on, and yet he keeps an eye on the world from the B-Ball Dimension.

Dekembe Mutombo
The deceased baller who was put under a curse! It's okay though, Barkley saved him.

Ghost Dad
He was once a Dad, and now,by some hex his is a ghost!

Cyber Dwarf
Class: Cyberdwarf
Armor Class:Techs'gear
Weapon Class:Muscle
He's a dwarf from space and his skin burned off and they had to use basketballs and he's kinda gruff and secretly afraid he'll never find love. UPDATE He found love in Ivory Latta.

Ivory Latta
She was an WNBA player for the Tar Heels before the purge. Now she is in the B-Ball Dimension waiting for her now de facto husband Cyberdwarf to return.

Juwanna Mann
A refugee baller who has taken up residence in Proto Neo New York. She is attracted to the main character but will forever be lonely.

Yelmrib Drofliw
A martyr to the cause of destroying diabetes, he saved Hoopz's life by taking diabetes out of his body.

Who the fuck cares
This guy is a pussy.

Kevin Garnett
Killed during the Purge, he trained for years to kill Charles Barkley to avenge B-Ball and his fallen brothers. Was beat by Barkley becuase he was a chump.

A Genie of the ages, who is contagious and also outrageous.

Dick Vitale
Was killed in the Purge by Barkley. Now is a total cock gambling addict. Once kissed Charles in an All Stars game.

Vinceborg 2050
Armor Class:Threads
Weapon Class: BBall
He was killed in the Purge and brought back by someone for something dot dot dot.

Michael Jordan
Son of a Bitch.

Faceless antagonists of the world, or plot, or both.


Like most RPGS, the characters equip weapons and armor, learn skills, and grow as human beings. It is similar to Earthbound in regards to the type of weapons you can equip. Have a baseball cap? Turn that bad boy around and get 3 guard. How about a Soccer ball? You can do some real damage with that, but you may want to upgrade to a volleyball. Items, equipments, and statuses will be added as they show up. Combat will also get its own little home. There are action sequences, quick time events, in which the player must press a button to avert death! These are somewhat forgiving, you can generally miss one or two queues an event to no detriment and on the off chance you do die, you are started right before the event occurs.


Initiating combat is very similar to Earthbound. Creatures appear on the map, and if your character and the creature touch, battle happens. Creatures patrol set paths and if they spot you, will chase you until you leave the area. If the creature catches your back, they get a surprise round, and similarly, if you catch the enemies back, you get a surprise round. With patience you can pretty easily get surprise rounds on every enemy.

Combat is slightly more varied than standard Snes era RPGs. Each character has physical 3 or 4 attacks, magic attacks, and unique guard actions. For the physical attacks you must perform actions in real time, lest your attack do low damage or miss completely.


Shots - Assault a foe with b-ball shot.

Free throw - 2 shots low damage, varying accuracy and can hit two targets
Pass - 1 low accuracy strong hit
Forward Jumper - 1 strong hit, high accuracy but 33% less guard
Jumper - medium hit, high accuracy
Fade away Jumper - 1 weak hit, high accuracy and 33% more guard until next turn

Free throw is generally the best option. In this game the difference between 'high' and 'low' damage attacks is insignificant against most enemies, so having 2 low damage attacks is more effective.

Slam/Jam - Use verboten jams to inflict damge

Doubleteam- bamboozles the enemy with shots from all angles.(best throughout game)

Balthios and the Ultimate Hellbane have the same move set.

Blitz - Blitz enemies with stunning moves.

Zuaber Slash - Brain attack with near perfect accuracy. By hitting the button alot, it gets bigger and more powerful.
Stab Dash- Physical attack with near perfect accuracy
Zeta Flash - Sets back all enemies by 20% in the turn order.

Zuaber slash is almost always better to use, unless there are a ton of enemies, then Zeta Flash might help.

Zuaber- Conjure Zauber powers to stifle foes.

Flame Zuaber- Lowers enemy power
Ice Zuaber- Hits hard (terrible sound effect though)

More on combat later, maybe even by video.


VP - Your Hp
BP - Your MP
Speed - How fast you are in the ABS system and your accuracy
Guard - Your damage reduction from physical attacks
Brain - Your damage reduction and enhancement to magic type dealies
Power -Your damage enhancement

Glaucoma - A very forgiving version of blind. Persists outside of combat.
Diabetes - Poison in this game. Persists outside of combat, be sure to cure it quick.
Fouled- Stopped for a round.
Aspergers - Makes the character act very awkwardly around the opposite sex.
Handicapped - Drastically reduces physical and mental power.

Weird Ectocooler- Best if sold by 12/31/200X (20% VP& BP Restoration)
Ectocooler - (66% BP Restoration)
Chup - A Homegrown chup. Helps with the glaucomas (cures glaucoma)
Tobacco - Cures all status ailments and negative stat mods. (Cure all)
Steriods - When the going get tough... (Revive VP +50%)
Protein Paste - Now with 20% more protein (VP+33%)
BBall Juice - Used by active ballers on the go (VP+99%)
BBall Shard - The shard of a mystic b-ball (BP+50%)
BBall Tear- The tear of an ancient baller
Insulin - Removes diabeetus status. (Cures diabetes)
Alcohol - Helps get the edge off. (Cures Aspbergers)
Fstone Mvitamin- Enriched with many minerals. Labelled "I am baney".(Cures Parkinsons)
Chicken Dew - The dew of a chicken fry. (100% VP revive)
Chicken Fry - One nation under chicken fry. (everything 100% revive for everyone)


Soccerball - It's a FIFA.
Volleyball - A standard volleyball (+8 Power)
B-ball - Basketballs are contraband - don't get caught.
Spiked B-ball - This ancient b-ball is covered in spikes.
Mystic B-ball - Ancient magics flow through this b-ball.
Hell B-Ball - Nobody knows the past of this demonic b-ball...

Fire Zauber- This zauber is warm to the touch.
Ice Zauber - A mystic aura envelops this zauber.
Thunder Zauber - Said to be the source of "Mystic" Johnson's power.
Time Zauber - Takes advantage of the space-time continuum.

Dwarf Pride - An ancient muscle forged of dwarf gold.
Dwarf Warhammer - The technology used to make this has been lost...
Dwarfbane - This legendary muscle is 1000 years old.
Dwarfstear - Made from the solidified tears of the final dwarf.

ZX Zaubertech1 - One of the cheapest gun's on the market.
ZX ZaubertechZ - An upgrade for the popular Zaubertech model.
Mithril'braster - A gun made of mithril. Forged by a dwarf.
Battlestech Gun - Made by the high-tech gun's company Battlestech.
ZX ModelX571X - High tech, usable only by the greatest Gun'slords.
F.I.N.A.L.G.U.N. - Some say this gun was made by the devil himself...

Jersey - This jersey is contraband (+6 Guard)
Rags - Can't keep you warm in the post-cyberpocalypse (guard+3)
Trenchcoat - A post-cyberpocalyptic standard.
Referee Uniform - Not very stylish, but commands authority.
Mithril Jersey - Made of the finest Dwarf mithril.
Zuabermancer Garb - The robes of an ancient zaubermancer...
Falcon Jodhpurs - Jodhpurs imbued with the power of limitless falcons.
Cyber-tunic - CAUTION: For Cyberdwarf use only.
Tek-skeletion - Relatively strong chain armor.

Bapes - The hottest kicks in the post-cyberpocalypse (+3 Speed)
Backwards cap- Provides more protection while backwards (+3 Guard)
Sunglasses -It's always dark in the post-cyberpocalypse (+2 Brain)
Wrist Brace- Much needed support for a b-baller's sore wrists. (+6 Power)
Maureen's ring - Maureen's wedding ring... (+1 Speed)
Sweatband - Has an excellent sweat absorption ratio.
Ace bandage - Provides compression, ice it when you get home.
Ultimate Wristband - 50/50 Goretex (TM) - Neoprene (TM) blend.
Mitrhil Sweatband - A Sweatband made from the magical silver mithril.
Goggles - Protect your peepers in any dangerous situation.
Facemask - Clear-plastic shield, just like Rip used to wear.
Nikes - Vintage pre-purge Air Barkleys.
Athletic Supporter - Provides overall support - for your athletics.


The City
Run away

Assets Used - What its from - Found by
Clispaeth Statue - Secret of Mana Mana Goddess -
Catacombs tileset - FF5 Pyramid - Orange Fluffy Sheep
New New York(setting) - X-kaliber 2047 - Orange Fluffy Sheep
Balthios & ULtimate Hellbane models - X-kaliber 2047 - Orange Fluffy Sheep
Shadow slay - Super Mario RPG - Orange Fluffy Sheep
A shit load of enemies - Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City - rotinaj
B-Ball Monster - Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City - rotinaj
Sewer tileset - Chrono Trigger -
Slamspectre- Dragon View - Kamelona
Hoopz - Streets of Rage 3 - Anatharon/Broken Box
Michael Jordan - Michael Jackson's Moonwalker -Moose King
Dr. Allard - ToeJam and Earl -Mezzanon