The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 7: B-Ball Catacombs: Part 2 of 2. Subsection A

B-Ball Catacombs Part 2 of 2 (Video is still pending)


Rejuvenated by the mystic ball heads to the west and is immediately taken by the beauty of a single clear, clean pool in the middle of a nondescript room.

What is this pool?
This pool commemorates the lives of all of the ballers who were never seen again after the Great B-Ball Purge. Men like Shaquille O'Neal, Ron Artest, and even the great Hakeem Olajuwon. Although they were never found, all their fates are almost certain...
All of this... this is my fault. This is my fault becuase of the Chaos Dunk. If I were never born, these great men would have never had to-
Barkley, get a hold of yourself! You can't keep blaming yourself for something that was entirely out of your control!
The guilt I've been living with... The Chaos Dunk... Hellbane, my greatness at the one thing I loved the most is what not only ruined it, but ended the lives of so many great ballers. It's like... Fate chose me to end the greatest era of man, to herald the Cyberpocalypse. When basketball died, so did the camaraderie it birthed. When basketball died, so too did the goodwill and hope that it fostered. The Great B-Ball Purge wasn't the death of basketball... It was the death of mankind.
Something you said struck me, Barkley. You said that fate chose you. Maybe you're right, Barkley. Maybe fate did choose you to destroy b-ball. Maybe fate chose you to end the greatest game that mankind has ever been given. But I don't think so. I think fate chose you for something far greater. I think fate chose you to redeem b-ball, to give it a clean slate and a fresh start. Right before the purge, Barkley, b-ball lost sight of the two most important parts of the game... Slams and jams. It stopped being about the slams and instead, the neo-shekels. It stopped being about the jams and instead, about the endorsements. I don't think of you as a devil, Charles Barkley. I think of you as an angel.
Who... Who are you?
I can't tell you now but... but you will soon understand. Come on, we've got to get moving.

We got more graves to look at, so lets get looking

I know I've mentioned this before, but having patience when it comes to observing enemy paths makes a huge difference.

We enter incredibly lavish chamber, huge sarcophagi, a large central pool, and countless sculptures. With two tombs in front, Barkley steps in for a closer look.

This sarcophagus... It's exactly seven feet, six inches tall. This... This has to belong to-
Yes, Shawn Bradley.
I was going through a difficult period of my life and... and I wasn't sure if I could trust white people. Shawn... Shawn helped me out and made realize that it's not on the outside that matters... But the inside.
He was a good center, Barkley, but he was a better man.
Goodbye, Shawn... Thank you for everything...Wait... What's this?

Liquid condenses on the painted eye of the sarcophagus, forming a large drop. The drop begins to harden as it passes over the, coffin untill it falls to the ground as a hard crystalline tear drop

Got 1 BBall Tear(s)!

We will be getting one of each from the coffins in this area. I will not mention them. Let's move to the next one.

This is the tomb of Larry Johnson...
Larry... I... I've never seen a man slam like he did. He'd get this look in his eye, this wild look that told you that something was up, and then out of nowhere he'd snatch the ball and slam it like a true mamma jamma. There was so much I could have learned from him...
There was a lot we all could have learned from him, Barkley, but there's no looking back. We can regret our mistakes for all our lives or we can keep moving forward like he would have wanted.
You-you're right. We always have to keep moving forward no matter how bad it hurts...

And so, we keep moving forward to a strange sculpture that radiates with what can only be described as 'friendship.'

Yes, Barkley. The ring around it symbolizes the ring of friendship formed when Michael Jordan helped the Looney Tunes defeat the Monstars in the Space Jam. The power of the Ultimate B-Ball is revered by ballers, but also feared. They recognized the unlimited potential of a ball containing the abilities of the best ballers ever, but also knew that if the ball got into the wrong hands, the damage done could be irreparable.
Don't give me a history lesson, I was at the Space Jam, I was part of the ball. I know firsthand the immeasurable power that ball contained. Don't patronize me.
You are correct, you don't need a history lesson. Let's move on.

Across the pool we find a handful of graves and a large statue. Barkley starts to walk by, but the Ultimate Hellbane, slightly confused, he speaks.

You... Recognize her, don't you Barkley?
Teresa, the patron saint of slams and jams... But what's that got to do with me now?
These truly are dark times we're living in if you've forgotten your former mistress of b-ball, Teresa.
That shit doesn't matter anymore, there's no place for b-ball in this world. I don't see the glory of slams and jams when I see this statue.... I see only broken dreams and hollow memories.
So be it....

And the last tombs in this catacomb. The statue is basically a marker, saying this is the tombs of X so it will be skipped. We move in for a closer look.

what does this one say?
It says "Here lies Patrick Ewing, born a slave, died a starting center".
Truer words have... never been spoken. Just before the Great B-Ball Purge, he said that I was like a brother to him, like the little brother he never had... He was my best friend. Patrick, I... I just wanted to say goodbye one last time...

With tears in his eyes, Barkley turns away. The Ultimate Hellbane walks away for a moment, to give Charles some time. When Charles walks over the Ultimate Hellbane begins to read the next sarcophagus.

This is the final resting place of Muggsy Bogues, one of the finest point guards in basketball history.
He was more than just a good point guard... He was a good friend. I-I was responsible for his death. He was one of the first killed in the Great B-Ball Purge. I never got to say goodbye...

We now move to the end of the dungeon, its been a good run but its time to say goodbye. Oh fuck, it's a gas pump and a vending machine.

Is.. Is this what I think it is?
Yes, a relic from old times to be sure. From what I have studied, I would assume the massive amounts of b-ball neutrinos created from the first Chaos Dunk lie dormant in the machine as a sort of power source.
It still works.

I love this game

We have a lot of new items, check the second post if you want to read the descriptions

It should be no surprise to anyone with a passing familiarity with vidcons that pocky is the ideal food to snack on when playing mentioned objects ( although 'playing' is an inappropriate word, becuase you experience, rather than play, a vidcon: I shall use 'playing' for the sake of simplicity). For those ignorant to the intricacies of this fine Japanese cuisine, imagine a delicate stick of sweetened bread about the width and length of a chopstick, its tip coated in the richest chocolate imaginable. The bold flavor of the chocolate is complimented by the small nuts that caress the tip, creating a culinary juxtaposition of sweetness and saltiness that can only have been hatched in the mind of a chef versed in the subtle paradoxes of Eastern cooking. They are light and easy to eat and hold, useful for vidconning on the go, and their sugar content add that extra boost for late night vidcons. Therefore, pocky has garnered itself the precious title of "Ultimate Vidcon Snack". Perhaps the only drawback of pocky is its limited availability in the West, though this cannot be attributed to the snack itself, but the infuriating baboons that think they are running grocery stores.