The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 12: Gonna take it to the Hoopz

The party pops up out of the manhole, and are next to the church! Sewer systems are so convenient.

And storm the place!
Music Church

What's this?

Jordan is holding a gun to Hoopz's head, while Larry lays behind the altar in a pool of blood.

own little family you can always count on. Well not me, Barkley. I wasn't a part of your little… 'b-ball family'. Heh, I was the black sheep of your god damn Barkley b-ball clique.
Put the gun down and let him go, Jordan!
Or you'll do what? You're a fucking coward, Barkley. You wouldn't put your son's life in danger like that. No, you're one of those fucking goodie two-shoes, always looking out for someone else and never yourself. I guess you just snapped, huh? Just let it all go when you did that Chaos Dunk. Just like that, Barkley. Like a twig. You just snapped and killed all those people, didn't you? Did b-ball really mean that much to you?

Shut up you little shit, or I'll pump you with lead like I did to Bird.
The sight of his son with a gun to his head completely tunneled Barkley's vision, and now he sees the holey priest
L-Larry! What did you do to Larry!?
I didn't do anything to him, Barkley. It was you. If you hadn't Chaos Dunked Manhattan, I wouldn't have had to blow him away. It's your fault.
You… You sick son of a bitch. Jordan, If you so much lay as lay a hand on-
Shut the fuck up! I've got you where I want you, Barkley! I've got you by the nuts, you motherfucking sportlover! First I'm gonna ice you, then I'm gonna ice this little shit at my feet!
Hoopz begins to squirm out of Jordan's grasp and gets onto his knees
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm… I'm praying to Clispaeth, Mr. Jordan…
Clispaeth?(Can it really be? Is he… the one?)

M-memories are… flooding back. The one… The… one…
What the fuck is this? Is this a fucking joke?

Vinceborg, no!
Must destroy… Hoopz Barkley.
That's it! Fuck this, you're going down, Jordan!

This is pretty terrible. Vince gains hidden strength from unlocking his memories, and Jordan is a son of a bitch. Luckily we got a special delivery. Two cases of Diabetes, and a side of Glaucoma.

Let's use our new Holy Dunk, since Michael Jordan is obviously an evil character

Oh, not enough BP. Looks like we are cooking up a few doubelteams.

And end it with a supplex.
You… You son of a bitch, Barkley.
Get the fuck away from him! DO IT, JORDAN!
You won today Barkley. Yeah, you beat me. Fucking gloat. But I'll get you Barkley. I'll get you and the rest of you god damned sportlovers and when I do, you'll fucking bleed Gatorade to your graves.
Mission: failed. Retreat to B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. for reconstruction process and second attempt.
Vince, wait!

Damnit Vince… Damnit...
I'm… I'm here son.
??? B…arkl…ey…
Charles run to his dying friend.

Larry, don't talk. You'll open your wounds…
I'm dead anyways, Barkley. Jordan got me good.
I wanted to tell you I was sorry, Barkley.
For that… that argument we had earlier. You were right…
Larry, you don't need to-
I had no right to say the things I did… How did we grow so apart, Charles? We used to be so close… I… I knew it wasn't you who did that Chaos Dunk in Manhattan, Charles.
How do you know?
Look at yourself, Barkley. You wouldn't hurt a fly not after what happened to Maureen… It's getting cold, Charles… It's getting so…
Goodbye, Larry.
The group returns back to the Cyber Dwarf's residence.

Yes, son. He would have hurt you if we didn't get there in time.
But what did I do?
You didn't do anything, Hoopz. Mr. Jordan is… he's not a well man. He's doing things he knows he shouldn't.
That's right, Hoopz. But we're not going to let him do anything to you.
You said you'd clear this all up when we got Hoopz, Cyberdwarf. Tell me what the hell is going on.
The Chaos Dunk that destroyed Manhattan… It was B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Somehow they got their hands on the Ultimate B-Ball-
The Ultimate B-Ball?
A long time ago, before you were even born, I was trapped in a basketball with a couple other ballers. You remember when I told you about this, right Hoopz?
Yeah, the Space Jam. I remember. But what's that got to do with this?
Although you were no longer trapped in the Ultimate B-Ball, Barkley, its power slowly continued to grow until it rivaled its original power. Somehow, and I don't know how, the terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. got their hands on the ball. I don't know what they are planning on doing with it, but form what they've shown us already, they are incredibly powerful and know to use it.
But… But who is B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.?
I don't know who the leader is, but I do know that they've existed for almost a century. I think Balthios knows more than I do.
No, Cyberdwarf… I don't .
What do you mean?
They… they killed my great grandfather, Lebron. He was killed before the Purge. They shot him, Charles. Right in the heart. I was at his deathbed when he told me about the zaubers. I… I didn't know about the James legacy, that my family was the last to harness the power of the zaubers. He told me to respect and master the zaubers, but never to use them for an ill purpose. That's why B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. killed, they wanted the power of the zaubers for themselves. I've been tracking them down since Lebron died but…
He's been chasing smoke. He can't find anything.
I'm… I'm sorry Balthios. I didn't know…
You have nothing to be sorry for, Barkley.

the moment hangs.

There are two things, Barkley. Find out what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is planning and stop them.
Well how are we going to do that?
We'll need to… forge a new Ultimate B-Ball. One powerful enough to counter whatever B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is planning. I don't know how we'll do this, but I think we can find clues in the old Spalding building.
Where's that?
It's located farther underground, in Proto Neo New York.
Proto Neo New York…)
So, how do we get there, Cyberdwarf?
We'll exit the town at the north and then take a right. After that it's just a bit farther through the sewers. There's a ladder there we can use that descends all the way down into Proto Neo New York. And that's where we'll find it, the Spalding factory.
I… I don't know where all this is leading but… but this can't be anything other than fate.
We should get all the supplies we need here in Cesspool X, and then we'll take off.
Good idea.

Full party time. We can now talk to everyone, so we will.
Thanks for saving me, dad. I don't know what Mr. Jordan would have don't to me if you didn't come but… but he's not a good man, dad.
I know, Hoopz. He's one of the bad guys and I promise I won't let him do anything to you.
Thanks dad. I knew I could count on you.

And now for Cyberdwarf.

What we're dealing with, Barkley… It could spell disaster if we fail. I've dealt with B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. before and I know firsthand that they're serious customers.
I… I want to thank you for helping me, Cyberdwarf. I don't know if I could have saved Hoopz without you.
At least he's safe. That's what matters. We've still got to get to the ruins of the old Spalding building. It's a fair distance away, but the first step is heading to the north, and then right at the fork.
Okay. Let's get going.

Balthios contemplatively stands by the door. Let's see what's up.

You know… I don't think Vinceborg is one of the bad guys. There's a distinct difference between him and Jordan.
What do you mean, Balthios?

Was a good guy.
He was one of my best friends before the Purge.
That's right. Even though he's a cyborg programmed to kill us, he's still Vince Carter. I'm sure there's some way we can get him to remember who he is, remember that he's not a robot…
The party has an objective, and now it's time to achieve it. Let's get the fuck out of-

Wait, what?
Whether you want to admit it or not, Barkley, I know you learned something from us while you were here in Cesspool X. It has… been a long time since I have had spoken to a "norm" and… I forgot how much we had in common. I mean, it is where we all came from, everyone here was a "norm" once.
What, do you want to give me a basketball or something?
No Barkley, I want you to know that you taught me to believe again. You've given me the hope to believe that someday, your people and my people can coexist, that someday there will be harmony between our two peoples and a bond of understand and cohesion that will go beyond appearance. I wanted to give you one of my precious turkey feathers to symbolize the mutual strength we have gained from each other.

Oh, I thought you wanted to talk about rebounds or something.
Barkley… I don't know where you're headed, but don' ever forget us here in Cesspool X. Farewell, friend.

The turkey man walks off

It symbolizes the potential unity between these animal peopleand us normal people, Charles.
Just throw it away, I don't care. We've got to get moving.
Right, let's get going.

A new section of sewers is opened up, complete with more sewer baddies.

Now Hoopz is a certified guns'braster, and as such, all of his attacks have to do with guns. He has a 100% evade guard, a host of good special attacks, and two good regular attacks: the mega shot and rapid fire. Mega shot takes timing and is effective against enemies with high guard, while rapid fire can hit multiple targets and does very good damage. I've also found out if you stop mid clip with rapid shot, and let the game sit for a while, Hoopz's turn automatically ends, and the bullet icons stay on screen. Just a silly little bug.

Anyway, we took the first path and it's led us to a ladder, which we shall take.

Up it, is a treasure (chicken dew) and a note.

weaponry from Square-Enix-Goya. It should be in by the weekend. They're quality arms this time. Meaning although those rats can be a bit of a nuisance there should no longer be problems unattributable to human error. Meaning screw up again and you'll wake up swirling around the bottom of a sewer grate and there'll be only a hundred little urchins ready to snap up what was your position. Don't compromise what little faith I still have in you. -Allard
This Allard guy sounds like a real son of a bitch.
Anyway, lets keep moving.

Oh, how I wish Vinceborg was here. Hoopz can take five out with rapid shot, it's
just not the same though.

Let's head down this staircase. We can hear voices echoing against the walls as we descend.

People! Normal People! Let's talk to em.

Dan …lithely stalking through the shadows, his midnight obsidian skin shining beneath the moonlight, the drow ranger crept up behind the gnoll and disemboweled him with his dual edged scimitar…
Are you talking to me, kid?
Dan Can't you see I'm writing a Drizzt Do'Urden fanfiction, or as the fanfic community elites say, "ficcie"? I'm waiting down here for my turn to be operated on by Dr. Allard. I've managed to save up enough money to have my skin dyed completely black, much like that of the nefarious, subterranean race of elves called the drow. My aim is to have enough money to look completely like Drizzt by the end of the year, although I'll have to scrimp and save more than I'd like…
I should probably lea-
Dan If you want I can read you some of my poetry about Drizzt. This is one I like to call "Ranger of Kindness".

N- Never stops helping friends and peasants.

Dan What did you think?
I enjoyed your subtle use of iambic penta…
Jesus, Balthios.
Barkley promptly walks off.
Jessica Hey there. You headed down?
Not interested in hookers, lady. Try someone else
Jessica Easy, easy. Just making a little conversation. I'm about to go down myself. It's dangerous down there but it's worth the risk depending on how much you can pull up. Proto Neo NY artifacts can go for a lot. Collector types with neo-sheckels to burn. This toll kills me though. I'm paying 5000 a trip to Allard, all so I have enough to pay him again for surgery.
What kind of surgery would that be, if you don't mind me asking?
Jessica Something for my first business.
I see.

It seems we've found the staircase down, there seems to be a man guarding it, maybe this guy knows something about it.
Guy I know I recognize you… Where have I seen your face before?
I, uh, don't know about that…
Guy That's it, Charles Barkley! Man, the doctor did a great job on your operation. Most guys who get the Charles Barkley operation come out looking like Patrick Ewing or something. That looks fantastic.
Wait, what? Charles Barkley operation?
Guy Man, and you're already in character. You're a real inspiration, you know that? Me? I'm here for the Wilt Chamberlain operation. It's always been a dream of mine to dribble a b-ball in the visage of one of the game's greatest. I mean, just everything about the guy was amazing; his dunks, his rebound, his shots, his passes. I could pretty much go on forever about him. I'm so nervous, my dreams are about to come true.
People get surgery to look like… Charles Barkley?
Guy Yeah, you're not the first. He's got a whole fanbase of guys who've gotten the surgery. Yours is the best I've seen though. It looks so real.
J…Jesus Christ… I've uh, I've gotta go.
Guy Okay, later man. Keep it real.
That was not helpful in the least. In fact, Charles brave went down 10 points, changing him from a Pisces to a Virgo. Let's talk to this guard before shit gets even worse.

Suit a decent situation we have going on here. It's gone without a hitch for a while now. So. 5000 gets you a round trip. Down the ladder one, up the ladder once. How's that sound?
What! 5000 is an outrageous price, there's gotta be another way down there…
Suit Not a chance. Pay up or shut up.

What would Barkley do? Let me give you a hint.

QA to Starkclamp