The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 14: Bankruptcy of the Moral Variety

Music Doctor's Office

We rejoin Team Barkley after the huddle, and a compromise has been made! It's called not wasting any time with this Rufus guy, and just rushing into the offices and kicking heads!

I'm here for Allard. Outta my way sucka.
Suit It's been pretty slow recently. Thanks for this.

Bodyguard's have pretty high hp, can beef up their guard, and hit like trucks with 200+ damage and a high guard decrease. On the other hand, they give tons of experience (999 for the pair.) With our current skills, we have no troubles.

Or we would, for it seems Barkley has other ideas. His current chaotic good stance to Dr. Allard's lawful evil taxation must be tempered. His son must grow up to be strong, but know violence isn't always the way. Or that fighting goons is a waste of time. It's pretty much a toss up at this point. So instead, the party moves to find Rufus. One staircase later…

Why you wanna know?
I saw a note someone left for you.
… wait, "you?" You don't even know if I'm Rufus or if it's someone else.
So you got demoted, huh? Expected as much from a sucker like you.
What, you wanna fucking go?
I'm always up for a game. But what I wanna know right now is how to get to see this Allard. I get the idea you don't like him too much either.
What are you planning on doing?
Maybe teaching him a lesson.
Shit… you're making my fucking day you know that? That asshole sent me down here for one tiny mistake I made at the gate. Docked my pay too, not that it was much to begin with. So you say you're gonna go in there and mess him up?
That's the plan.
Alright, tell the guards at the gate that When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket.
What's that supposed to mean?
I think it's something Allard said once. It's a code you can use to get through. Tell the guards I sent you and that " When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket," and they'll let you though. They'll know it came from me.
Alright. Thanks for the help.
I Should be thanking you. Dr. Allard's a real motherfucker. He deserves anything you give him.

With that information Charles and company rush back to the doctor's office!

Suit Okay, okay, not out loud. I don't want to have to learn another code. Go ahead.

Bodyguard They just came in. Didn't say.
You there. I don't believe you have an appointment scheduled. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask if you all could leave.
Can't do that, doc.
And why not?
You run the gate. We need to get through it.
There's a procedure for that, you know. Head to the gate, I'm sure the men there will explain it for you.
I ain't paying your gatdam toll, Allard.
Oh really? Well, we'll have to talk about that. First of all though, you know my name but I don't know any of yours.
It's none of your fucking business. Just open the gate before your ass gets slammed and jammed.
Oh wait, I remember you. From all those news reports. Barkley… Charles Barkley, is it?
Just let us through the gate.
Charles Barkley, that's right. You're a wanted man, you know. Sirens have been blaring on the surface all day. We hear the echoes down here. I assume they're looking for you. Fifteen million. That's quite a bit of damage you did to Manhattan, Barkley.
That wasn't me you son of a bitch.
Right. Whenever somebody comes to the sewers, it "wasn't them." Regardless, you aren't in the best situation now are you? The police and the B-ball Removal Department looking for you topside, and here you are in my office acting like you have some kind of upper hand. Pitiful. You and your friends there are at my mercy, and you come at me with threats. Do you have any idea who I am? I run these sewers. All of these rats bow to me. The need me. I'll you a chance to turn around now.
Barkley, perhaps we shouldn't….
Shouldn't? He's a fucking tyrant and he needs to be stopped.
A tyrant? Hahaha. I'm a blessing to these rats. Here's a story for you: I wasn't always a doctor. I worked for a software company. We did computers, vidcons, and things. I was grotesque. A pasty, balding wreck. My physical form was flabby and weak… so I decided to change it. Clispaeth put me in a disgusting sack of flesh, and so I went to work on it. I studied genetic engineering, plastic surgery, even fashion. I was bald, so I gave myself hair. I cut away my fat and grew muscle in its stead. God gave me a body, I refused it, and made another to my liking. I destroyed God's plan for me, and made another of my own! And to these people in the sewers, I took his place. They come to me, sad souls imprisoned in pathetic husks. I am the one who sets them free! This time, I am their creator! I give them life, and so I claim these sewers as my dominion. And here you make demands of me. In these sewers, I am a god, and I am loved for it! … You there.
Your skin. Leathery, patterned, doesn't look synthetic from here. Basketballs, I'm assuming?
Y…yes. It is made of basketballs.
It's patients like you who I can fix. People like you come to me in shackles, and I liberate them. And all I ask from them is obedience, and of course, a modest fee. I am a doctor after all.
You're a goddamn lunatic.
You're a stubborn one aren't you. I gave you a chance. Leonard, take care of them.
Bodyguard … Right away, sir.

Dr Allard can be tough.

From one attack he handicapped, lowered guard, and killed Balthios. Our saving grace is he is a glass cannon. Three rounds of our hardest hitting attacks, and he goes down.

And with that the party has rid tyranny from the land, but how long before another man rises up to take his place? We will never know because we have shit to do.

Charles, your son's right here.
I've said it before. I am not a role model. Still, it was probably the right thing to do. That guy's sick. And look who's talking. You're the 'Ultimate Hellbane.' You're certainly not afraid of killing anyone.
My hands are not clean, but everything I've done has been for the people of Neo New York. Allard was a cruel dictator, but he's nothing like B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Besides, he's called off his guards and promised to lower his prices for his surgeries. Surgeries that help people down here, regardless of what you think of them.
He's a real slimy son of a bitch though. He'll probably change his mind the moment we head down to Proto Neo New York. I Just think everyone would be better off without him. But let's just hurry up and go. We've probably spent too much time here already.
With that solved we can proceed forward. Or go back and talk to all the people he has wronged, starting with Rufus.
I heard you knocked him around good. I get the feeling things are gonna be changing around here.

Barkley suppresses his urge to see how many lives he's made better with his own
special brand of "change."For now, there is only going forward!

Music- Proto Neo New York

The air gets thicker as they descend the rusted ladders, each clang of their feet finding the next wrung sounding more and more like a basketball being dribbled. There's something strange about Proto Neo New York. Some say, because its so close to the Spalding Factory, it receive intense B-ball radiation. Only time will tell.

Oh no! Ladder can't stand the strain of four people descending at once!

For the love of Clispaeth, Charles… You need to be more careful.
I think I bruised my knee, but I'm ok dad.
Well, the ladder's broken now so we won't be able to go back up.
Damnit… Let's just keep going forward.

Depending on how well you do the dialogue changes. If you fail one, the above dialogue appears, if you fully succeed Charles ask if everyone is ok and Hoopz says he's fine. If you fail two, you die and start over at the top of the ladder.

So this is… Proto Neo New York.
Can… can we take a break dad? I'm getting kind of tired.
I'll be the first to second that. My dogs are barkin', Charles.
I can keep going, but I still suggest we stop to gather our bearings and plan some things out.

Music - Naked Grandpa Parade

Dad, It's okay…
It's best that we got Hoopz when we did. There's no telling what could have happened to him at the hands of Inspector Jordan and as much as I hate to say this, he's safer with us, despite the situation we're in.
It's just… this is just all so bonkers. It's all so gatdam bonkers. All of this, we're running around the Post-Cyberpocalypse looking for clues about who or what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S . is and who did the Chaos Dunk and all this shit about the Ultimate B-Ball. It's just… bonkers.
As bonkers as it may be, Charles, the world hangs on a fringe and we're the only ones capable of saving it.
You're right, Cyberdwarf. I know you are. I just wish shit didn't have to be this way. I wish it could just go back to when b-ball was b-ball with no shit attached and we didn't have to whisper everytime we wanted to talk about Nike. It's like… the whole world's fucked.
Well maybe we can change that.
Dad, I've been meaning to ask you… What's the Cyberpocalypse?
Well Hoopz, I don't really know how to explain it to you. I'm not really a religious-
2000 years ago, A Jicklebergian freedom fighter was crucified by the British Empire in an event that is now know as the Boston Massacre. His name was… Clispaeth Ryuji Atuck.
You mean… THE Clispaeth?
They are one and the same, Hoopz. It is shocking for many to give context to Clispaeth's historical relevance, but he was indeed real. He was the leader of an army that was fighting for the freedom of Jickleberg from the British Empire. The backlash of the Boston Massacre was tremendous; armies gathered underneath the banners of Clispaeth's remaining disciples to fight the British Empire. They fought. They fought for the duration of 666 years, until both sides were destroyed and the whole world obliterated. This was the Cyberpocalypse, and we are living in its consequences.
The Clispaeth I learned about in church was-

A low rumble of sinister laughter can be heard from the distance.

What the hell was that?

The cacophony of chuckles begins to get louder with guffaws piercing the night.

That laughter… it's coming form over there!
??? Quickly! Run into the house!
Who's there?
??? Do it or he'll get you! Quickly!
I don't know what the hell is going on but we'd better do it.