The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 19: An Advanced Treatise on Conversation

Music - Run away

Damnit, this was all just a gatdman booby trap! Jordan, you motherfucking baka, you sick motherfucking goddamn BAKA! What the fuck did you to do Hoopz? What the fuck did you do to my son?!
Ahaha, don't worry Barkley, he's not dead… yet. I shot a dart filled with type 2 diabetes into him, the kind they were never able to cure. He'll be stone cold dead if you don't find a way to cure him in the next hour. Oh, but I guess that would require you to have a PhD in diabetes and not b-ball. Hahahahaha!
Jordan, you sick son of a bitch! Why the fuck would you do this to a little boy?! What the hell has he ever done to you?! You goddamn baka, come on and face me!
Do you really think you have the time for that now, Barkley? If I were you, I'd be saying my last farewells to Hoopz
Jordan, you…
Ahaha! I'll see you later! Oh, but not all of you!

Jordan makes a hasty exit

Damnit! Hoopz, can you hear me?! Hoopz!?
It's type 2 diabetes, Barkley. Not even I can heal it…
DAMNIT! DAMNIT ALL TO HELL! Hoopz, hang in there…

Barkley picks up and son, and the party heads to Juwanna Man's house. From this point, Hoopz cannot contribute in battle.

Hoopz shouldn't be represented in the overland for this, I'm using an old pic because I screwed up.

Music - Naked Grandpa Parade

Juwanna, there has to be something I can do. I can't let Hoopz…
I…can only think of one thing, Charles.
Tell me, Juwanna, tell me! I'll do anything!
I… I don't want you to get your hopes up because it's a long shot. A real long shot.
Anything, Juwanna, anything.
...okay. South of town, there's an old man who lives by himself. I don't know much about him but I know he knows more about diabetes than any other person on the planet. I don't know if he will help you or not, Charles. He's a real recluse and doesn't like strangers, especially ones who want something from him.
Juwanna… thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'll save Hoopz if it means I have to sacrifice myself.
I have to go now but… thank you.
Good luck, Charles…

But first, this Final Gun, Barkley made a promise to SquareEnix Goya.

Dear Goya… The F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N… I trust you remember your partnership with Square-Enix-Goya, Mr. Barkley.
I'll need to see some shekels before we go any further.
Of course. Take a look for yourself, 2500 is in this suitcase.

A sly grin passed over Barkley's face

Square-Enix-Goya does not take kindly to your attitude. It is apparent you can no longer be trusted.
Tough luck, chump. Pay up or shut up.
No. We shall take it by force.

It's the same bodyguard from the good doctor. At this point, ain't no deal. Barkley's on the ground for completely unrelated reasons.

That went pretty well. Let's go take it to the gun nut.

Outstanding! It's even more magnificent in person… Right, like I mentioned before, you hand it over, and you shall get a priceless item in return.

But… But! You can't do this! You can't simply dangle the finest piece of craftsmanship in fron of the face of a master guns'braster! You MUST give it to me… I… I am suffocating. I will surely die without it., now that I have seen it. Please….
You leave me no choice. If I can't have the F.I.N.A.L G.U.N., I will follow it until my very demise
What? Get outta my face.

We now have a new party member, Mark! He's a guns'braster like Hoopz!

Except he doesn't do anything but be annoy us for the gun whenever the menu is opened. Infact, your immediately given a choice to give him the gun, and if you just press through, he gets it from you. Anyway, the party heads southward through the SunBaked parking lot.

You wouldn't be coming this way if you weren't headed to Liberty Island.
I don't have time to chat.
Look, I'm just telling you beforehand there are some messed up people there. It's this… diabetes cult or something. They live at the base of this statue and worship the guy who lives inside, or at least that's what I've heard. They're all batty, that's for sure.
Thanks for the tip. I'll remember that.
I'm sure they'll remind you a few times too, buddy.

In the middle of the parking lot Cyberdwarf stops the party and turns towards Barkley.
We're at a crossroads, Charles. We need to see this diabetes expert on Liberty Island but there are two ways to get there: by ferry or the Underground Railroad.
Which was is faster? We don't have much time, Cyberdwarf!
I honestly don't know but I would prefer the Underground Railroad. It simply speaks to my Dwarven sensibility for caves.
The only preference that I have, Charles, is that we make haste in our decision. Our method of transportation is up to you.
If we're going to take the ferry, we should leave this parking lot from the right. The Underground Railroad is in the building at the top of the lot.
I'll… I'll try to make my decision soon.

If you head south-west, a treasure chest!

It's +12 to Power, and going straight onto Barkley. Also in the parking lot is a merchant named Tron.

He's got some good upgrades for CyberDwarf, but that's about it.

Passage to Liberty Island. You getting on?
Is the ferry faster than the Underground Railroad?
Depends on the weather. I can get you there in no time if the sea is easy. You coming along?

Charles looks out towards Liberty Island. Not a cloud in the sky.

Alright, get on board. We're leaving right now.
We be setting sail! Hold onto your pantaloons!


It's… it's beautiful , isn't it?
You're thinking about Maureen again, aren't you?
She loved the water. I'd take her out here sometimes and we'd just look up at the moon. I'd tell her sometimes the moon looked like a b-ball and she would laugh and tell me I was obsessed. Maybe… maybe I was. It looks like her though, doesn't it?
The moon?
Just… the shape. Her head was that shape, that … sphere. Maybe that's why I loved her, because her head was shaped like a b-ball.
It does resemble her a little.

Barkley spends some time silently looking up at the moon for a while. CyberDwarf gets up and stretches, while Balthios stares into the sea until Barkley speaks again

It's full tonight. You know the moon only gets this way around October 12.
Oc…October 12? You mean… Columbus Day?
Yeah, I guess that would make it Columbus Day.

Balthios stumbles away from Charles

I… I must go!

He darts below deck, with his hand covering his mouth.

What did you say to him, Charles?
I don't know, only that-

A rampaging dark skinned dwarf, a duergar, comes from below deck and cuts their conversation short!

It's a duergar and it looks like it wants to fight!
We don't have time for this shit!
But it looks like we've got no choice! Here it comes!

Music Boss music

This fight can be a bit of a bitch. He's got very high health and strong attacks, and we are down to two members. He's got Melp's acid arrow Lv.2 , which damages and diabeteses one guy, a Gemstorm attack, which rains down black and red rocks upon the party for around 300 a person, and Gold Encrusted Pick Throw, which throws five golden picks at the party.

the dwarf falls back and screams as he morphs into…

Th-that duergar was you??
I… I am sorry, Charles, CyberDwarf. My presence has put you at risk. I was… irresponsible.
You see… long ago I was cursed by a gypsy. Every Columbus Day I am forced into a rampaging duergar filled with bloodlust and disregard for those around me, entirely consumed by a hunger rubies and gemstones. I have no control over myself and my actions and… and I regret it.
Why didn't you tell us, Balthios? We could have helped.
I forgot how near to Columbus Day it was. I am sorry. Besides, what could you have done? The only way to remove the curse is to eradicate all gypsies. But it seems now that the curse has temporarily lifted and that I will not be plagued with the burden of duergars until the next Columbus Day.

The captain interrupts with important news

Here we are, anchored at Liberty Island dock.

Music -Liberty

I won't be taking you back. The ship was damaged while the duergar was in the hull rummaging for gemstones. I don't know why you're here but you don't look like one of those cult loonies. Take care of yourself… Charles Barkley.
You too, old man of the sea. You too.

What a disaster… I wonder if the old man is even still here?
This is strange to be sure. Let's try and find a resident here, perhaps they could help us. Liberty Tower is up north, that's probably a good place to start.

North it is.

Every object interaction for this part of the game has the same format. We will have an examine, use, take, and leave option.

Huh? The door's locked. It has two keyholes, but it looks like each keyhole is the same.
I can't go inside, it's locked.
Without tools I can't dismantle and carry the door with me.

Going back down, we see that everything is now in this format.
I don't know what to say. It's a pretty generic looking truck pump.
I'm not a gas jockey, so I think I'll pass on nabbing it.
In the course of my career as a vidcon specialist ( my own coinage, spend it wisely), I have never seen such blatant and frankly, sickening ignorance as that exhibited by the "people"(if, in fact, they are homo sapiens at all, as their intelligence implies elsewise) that claim that Zelda is not an RPG. There is nothing that Shigeru "Shiggy" Miyamoto could possibly do to make the vidcon anymore of an rpg as it meets every single criterion for being one, particularly that it takes place in an imaginary realm with a fantastical beastiary, and that the core emphasis of the gameplay is on bedazzling all foes with impeccable swords and sorcery. Furthermore, this line of thought can be extended to all vidcons which the player controls a character(hence, role-playing), though I cringe slightly at the thought of such mundane vidcons as Madden being RPGs, as they do not even include exotic weaponry such as the tonfa.

Well not everything has changed,

Vending machines have kept the same format, though there's still no hope in hacking. Oh and Mark disappears in the boat ride. Not sure why.

I sense great history behind this rock. I imagine it's a staple of the culture around here.
Yeah, but I can't make anything out in this rock. It's just a bunch of figures in some kind of fight.
I can't see anything I could use on the rock face.
There's nothing to take.
To the left is a house with an open door. Inside is a shrouded man facing the bookcase in silence.

The cloaked man spins to face Charles, and jumps back while taking a weapon out!
Step away! Who sent you? I have a flask full of sugar water and I will not hesitate to use it!
Whoa, hold on! I don't got any gripes with you pal, I'm just here looking for an old man. I was told he could cure diabetes.
Is that so? Then you're not of them…
Look, I don't know what's going on here. I'm not sure I want to know. All I want is for my son to be cured so I can be on my way.
If only things were that simple. However, it appears with some cooperation we could mutually achieve our goals. The name is Rutherford. You would be?
Charles Barkley. So do you know who this old man is? Can he really help my son?
Indubitably. The man you seek is Yelmirb, but your primary concern is accessing his quarters.
What do you mean?
He is locked away in Liberty Tower. You may only enter with possession of the Palladium Orb Sceptre.
Yeah, I saw it was locked. Where's the scepter at?
It lies in a cave, near the bottom of the island. A fool named Jenkins trapped himself inside a the cave and is protecting the scepter, thus you may encounter difficulties obtaining it.
Jenkins huh? I've dealt with worse. Thanks for the help, I'm heading out now.

Before we do that though, let's get a feel for this mostly Final Fantasy 3 room we're dealing with, starting with Rutherford.

This guy is part of the diabetes cult on this island. That's about all I know.
He's wearing a traditional Zuabermancer Garb as well Barkley. He most certainly is a conjurer.
If you want the Palladium Orb Sceptre, you will have to head towards the cave on the south of the island.
No way am I going to let one of these cult members follow me around. The sooner I leave this place, the better.

Well then. There is a glinting item though. A pipe

A four foot long pipe. It looks pretty sturdy.
I'll touch the pipe.
What are you doing Barkley?
Uhh, I'm not sure. I thought I would use this pipe.
You can't just use a pipe alone. You need to use it on something.
Yeah, I know that.
I guess I could use this for something, I'll take it.
Rutherford probably owns this pipe, you should ask him if we can have it first.
Yeah, you're right. Hey Rutherford, do you mind if we take that Pipe over there?
Not at all. I've been meaning to get rid of it.
Great. Let's get the Pipe.

Got 1 Pipe(s)!

On the way to the cave there is a Well.

This well looks deep. I can barely see the bottom of it.
Something tells me jumping down the well isn't such a good idea.
There's no bucket on this well, so I can't take anything.

Ah.The cave in question. To the left is the path from the Underground Railroad.

The Boulder is blocking the entrance of the cave. It's too heavy to push out of the way.
Hmm, I'll try knocking on it three times. I heard this works with some boulders.

He gives three valiant knocks.

I don't know how I am going to take it, I can't pick it up.

Well, we have a pipe, and a problem. The boulder is huge, what we need is a fulcrum.

And that rock might do the trick.

This rock is not like the others. It looks like it was manufactured to be this shape.
Use the rock for what?
Barkley who are you talking to?
No one… Just taking some notes.
Ok, let's take the rock. I have a good feeling about this.

Got 1 Triangle Rock(s)!

Barkley, you can use the rock and pipe we found earlier to create leverage to push the rock out of the way.
Really? What luck that I picked up the correct objects to solve this conundrum.

It's another one of those crazy cult members, this one looks different though. He looks wounded.
I don't like the cut of his jib.
I see you have come to finish me off… So the coward sends someone else to do his dirty work. It makes no difference, you shall be banished all the same.
I didn't come here to fight anyone. I'm just looking for a key.
You mean…

Yeah, that looks like it. Can I have it?
What kind of fool do you take me, Gerrad Jenkins, for? I fought to the death protecting this from the wrong hands, and you think I would simply hand it over?
Someone names Rutherfod told me I needed the key to enter Liberty Tower so I can see Yelmirb. If you don't hand it over, I'm gonna have to slam you.
Rutherford? So that's what Raffleson goes by these days. You really are clueless. That scum bag wants Liberty Tower to be unlocked so he can kill Yelmirb. Tell me, what good is unlocking the tower if Yelmird dies?
What! He didn't tell me that.
Of course he didn't… listen closely, I'm fatally wounded and don't have much time left. I will give you this key, but you must kill Raffleson - who you know as Rutherford - before entering the tower. If you don't, you'll never get a chance to see Yelmirb!

If you say no, he says either: I didn't catch that. What did you say? You would be mad to reject my terms! Yelmirb will die! Or Saying no is simply not an option!

Alright, I'll do it. Man, things over here are pretty fucked up. I thought Neo New York was bad.

Straight to Raffleson's house! If we go to the tower it says go straight to Raffleson's house!

This is odd. Maybe he caught word of our conversation in the cave and ran off?
Let's not concern ourselves with this, he's gone and he can't touch Yelmirb if he's not here. No need to waste anymore time, we should head to the tower.
You're right, Liberty Tower it is.


Bonusy stuff and glitch type deal:
Once Hoopz is out of commission you can still go in the Spalding factory, and there are still areas where he has dialogue.

Like here. Except, since Hoopz iss not here the games froze.

What if we give away the gun to Goya while Mark is in toe?

Every time you open the menu, he says this.

Oh hey also can I get some feedback on post size? The last two have been about double my usual post size, which do you guys prefer?