The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 21: You have made an enemy this day

Music - Run Away

Music - Silence

This is what Jenkins was probably talking about. Raffleson wanted to kill us before we got him so he could get the scepter. Looks like his master plan ran out of "gas".

…Let's just find a way out.

Now that Rutherford is gone, we can rifle through his belongings.

Looks like ordinary rope. There are 0 knot(s) in the rope.

Ok, I'll tie a know in the rope… There. The rope now has 1 knot(s) in it.

This rope on the ground - that is the rope with 1 knot(s) - has very little use for me.

Some Time Later…


No use.

There's nothing special about this chair.

I'd rather not sit down right now.

We don't need a chair Barkley.
You're right.

There's some tools in one of the drawers. Most of them are too rusted, but it looks like the screwdriver can be used.

I can't use the work table.

Take the screwdriver from the work table
Screwdrivers are pretty versatile. I'll grab it.

Got 1 Screwdriver(s)!

Take Work Table
Why would I want to do that?

Looks like a regular desk. It has a drawer, but it's locked.

Alright, I pried open the drawer. Let's see what's inside...

Got 1 Desk Key(s)!

Hmm, a key. I bet this open the front door.

I'd need a shopping cart if I wanted to haul the desk away. I don't have one so it looks like that's not going to happen.

Well, let's try the door then.

I can't open the door because it's locked. Looks like you can lock this door from the inside and outside.

Use Desk Key on Locked Door

I'll use the key I found in the desk… Huh? It doesn't fit. Guess I can't use it here.

You can't take a door.

Nothing but crumbs and stains are on the table.

I'll lay on the table and see if anything happens.

At least I tried.

I doubt I'll need a table anytime soon.

All this wood is rotten. Doesn't look very useful.

I guess I'll grab some of the wood and see what happens.

Suffered 1 VP of damage!

Gatdam! I got a splinter.

I don't need rotten wood.

Looks like a pretty cool crate.

Every time I open the crate it has different contents. As if it contains a random assortment of items every time I open it.
Odd indeed. The concept of random "loot" inside crates has been well documented in tomes of old age. This crate must be very old.

I can't carry the crate, and there's nothing I can use it for.

There's a few dents and holes in the bucket.

This bucket can't hold a thing, so there's no reason to use it.

I'm better off not carrying a broken bucket.

There's some clothes in here, mostly worn-out robes.

I don't want to put anything in the dresser, so I'm not going to use it.

There's a pretty good robe in here, maybe Balthios could use it.

Got 1 Zaubermancer Garb(s)!

Indeed he can.

There's a lot of books here. Wait, there's three books on here labeled 1,2 and 3. It looks like you can pull on them, but they won't separate from the bookcase.

I guess I could pull the books in a certain order… Maybe the order is in the room somewhere? I wonder if there are any number references in this room…

Why would I do that?

Let's look for some number references. Oh hey a clock.

Doesn't seem to work. The time is stuck at 12:32. For some reason, I have the urge to write down this number.

I could wind the clock, but I don't think that's going to do a whole lot.
What time does the clock say Barkley?
Says 12:32. Guess that's the time it stopped working. For some reason, I have the urge to write down this number.

I could put a necklace on this and wear it on my neck, but it wouldn't help me escape this situation.

Charles moves back to the bookcase and starts pulling books. With the books pulled in the correct order, the bookcase move to the side.

Just what I needed. This door is locked too.

Use Desk Key
That key I found in the desk has to work here…

The lock turns and the party has escaped!


There must be a key piece of information we are missing out on. Something sinister happened on this island.
We don't need to worry about local politics. Now that we have the key, we need to head to the tower as soon as possible.
Yeah, to Liberty Tower then.

But before that let's go visit Jenkins first.

Looks like he died.
He is gripping onto something. It looks like -
A chaff grenade. Hmm, while dwarves are more keen on throwing axes and satchels to toss at foes, I'm sure my expert lobbing skills could extend to grenades. Let's take it.

Chaff grenade is Cyberydwarf's best special attack because it is his only offensive one. For 10 BP he does a hundred to two hundred points of damage and lowers an enemy's stat by around 15.

Use &Take
Leave him be Barkley. He's gone now.

Okay. Now Liberty Tower.

Raffleson, that motherfucker time for payback.

Upon closer inspection it's not him.

This guy is blocking the tower door. He looks like he's in some kind of trance, I don't think he even noticed we're here.

Can you hear me? You gotta step back. I need to go in the tower.
By Yelmirb's blessings! An outsider! Tell me friend, what brings you to this land in these dark times?
My son is sick and I need to see Yelmirb.
Well, unfortunate as that is, the tower is locked.
Yeah, I know all about that. I got this key so I can enter the tower.
Key? You mean the Orb Sceptre and the Immaculate Rod?
What are you talking about? Some chump called Rutherford told me all I needed was this scepter to enter the tower.
Rutherford? Oh, you mean Richards right?
Jenkins told us his name was Raffleson.
Ah yes, Gerrad Jenkins. He is correct, but his "true" name is Richards. You see, Richards came here 6 years ago to cure his own diabetes. However, he tried to split the faith at Liberty Island by promoting radical ideas. We had no choice but to exile him, but he keeps returning under different names, trying to start up a new revolution. He goes by many names, but his true name is that; Richards.
None of that matters. All we need is that rod you were talking about, can you tell us where we can find it?
Yes, but first, I must tell you a tale… Oh! Forgive my rudeness, I am Mack; A level 15 Sugar Slayer. You are safe with me outsider. Now, follow me to the tablet. There is much explaining to do.

Mack dashes off back toward Liberty Island proper.

Where the hell are these guys coming from?
I don't know Barkley, but we are at their mercy until we meet Yelmirb. Let's go to the tablet.

Barkley and co approach the stone table from before.

Examine Mack
It's Mack. Going on past experience with these cult members, who knows what dark secrets he has.

Use Mack
It all started 30 years ago, just after the Great Awakening. Once we became aware of the evils of sugar, it would be tantamount to sin to keep this information secret. Thus we formed a group of the most devout L.I.B.E.R.T.Y. followers to travel the lands spreading the word. We called them the Needles of Hope. After a year of their successful campaign to liberate the world of sugar, something sinister occurred. You see, we initially thought that it would be as simple as telling people not to consumer sugar and that would be the end of it… We were wrong.
What does this have to do with the rod? I don't have time for your fairy-tales.
Be patient my friend, the answers will come in time. As I was saying, a proactive massage was not enough to end the ills of sugar. What we didn't know was that sugar was sentient… Living, if you will, be it a very basic existence. Its ultimate goal was to control humanity through diabetes, acting as a parasite to force its will upon the unsuspecting populace. Once we set the wheels in motion to stop it… It evolved. Its first incarnation, as we knew it, were Sugar Delmons.
Delmons? You mean demons?
No, Barkley. Delmons are part of the same genus as Demi-Daemons, Arch Demonoids, Lesser Demonkin, and more commonly Demons. There are slightly more powerful than demons but this is highly subject to debate as Demons posses Imp Summon level 2 whereas Delmons possess a Junction ability to seed powers from entities. I am actually quite shocked the connection between sugar and delmons was never made given the obvious traits.

It's line like this where I wonder if Balthios is trying to educate Barkley, or just disappointed by his ignorance.

Excellent observations and you are correct. So the Sugar Delmons knew their days were outnumbered, and as a last ditch effort to combat our aggressive war against them, they all convened at the Tower of Glucose. Otherwise known as the former Domino Sugar factory, its' destruction during the Cyberpocalypse lead to a great pillar of sugar being created. After their meeting, the decided to use ancient magicks to merge into one entity… Das Fructose Ungeheuer.
The what? Are you just making shit up now?
The Diabeastie… I thought it was only a myth?
Take a look around you, my friend. The sugarification of our holy land is just a small…Taste, if you will… Of its assault against Liberty Island. With the tower locked, Yelmirb will undoubtedly die soon and sugar will prevail.
Let's make one thing clear here, I'm not here to help you or any of your looney toon friends. I don't want to hear anymore stories. My son is dying. Do you understand? Just tell me where the rod is.
You are naïve Mr. Barkley, for this lore is the only guard us mortals have against Das Fructose Ungeheuer. However, I will not press you further if you refuse to learn, instead I will comply with your request. The Immaculate Rod lies deep beneath this island. You can find an entrance to the nether regions through the well near the center of town. I have some neo-shekels I want you to have. You will need them, if you hope to defeat the Diabeastie.

Thanks for all the help, Mack.

Clearly tired of this shit, Barkley begins to move out

I will not lie to you Barkley, great danger awaits you. Here, take this Sugar Counter with you. Do not expose yourself to the sugar, or you will perish. If you allow the particle count to exceed 4.5 granules per square inch… You're as good as dead.

Got 1 Sugar Counter(s)!

Yelmirb bless you…

In a game that sweeps aside much of the bullshit of RPGs, this is the most bullshit section of it, which to be fair is no were near as bullshit as a remember.

You see that filter? If you can't see your screen, you die. Speaking of dying.

One step closer, and game over, gotta start the section over.

Sugar traps

It's a god damn bag of sugar! The Diabeastie! Following him is certain death, those are high grade sugar deposits he's running by. I have died so many times in here. The amount of times I die in this one area is greater than the amount of deaths for every other area combined.

Within minutes of being in the heart of Liberty Island, Barkley begins to feel the effects of minor sugar sickness

And it's getting worse. Too much time in here and a fate worse than death awaits.

This man underwent spontaneous sugarifcation, horrific.

It's holding the rod. We're going to have to slay the beast.

What? You can talk?

Richards? You were the Diabeastie this whole time?
Richards is such an old name… I prefer the title Reginald, to be frank.
Enough with the name games, chump. Hand over the rod.
You don't understand do you? The evil you are committing… Did you ever think for a second why they wanted to exile me?
I have had enough of you fruit cakes and your gatdam tales already! Just hand over the rod!
Barkley, We need to hear him out. It would be irresponsible to pass judgment otherwise.
He tried to kill us. Good enough reason for me.
I did not know I could trust you… I also apologize for my actions, but I believed a greater good would be accomplished. You see, I did have a radical belief according to the plebeians inhabiting this island. I believe we should clone Yelmirb, so that we could rid diabetes once and for all. They let "morals" cloud their judgment and said it would be inhumane, creating someone to absorb the suffering of theirs. But who would have to know? Is it not better for one man to carry the burden than society as a whole? They call it killing Yelmirb, I call it rebirth.
You can't make a decision like that. It's not yours to make.
How dare you speak in such a tone when you desire Yelmirb's service. Do you think he says some magick words, and mystically takes away the diabetes from your son? No. He absorbs it, so your son does not have to live a crippled life. Yelmirb understands his sacrifices to humanity. Subsequent clones would as well.
You can't play Clispaeth. No one can. You're deranged.
Very well. I see you are as ignorant as those who lived on this island… No matter! Fear my deadly magicks!

Music- Boss(Jonathan Taylor Thomas)

Reginald is a class A jerk. Each of his attacks for 2-300, he has this shield that protects him from all sorts of harm. He does have a weakness however.

Once he uses a magick spell, it tuckers him out and his shield drops until his next turn.

Surprisingly there isn't a gimmick that if you give him diabetes something happens, Anyway let's see a chaff in action-


-13 Speed is huge advantage for us, and he only less than a thousand VP, so with his shield being down for longer periods of time, he goes down quick.

Aghh… You will regret this. You will - orgrhh -- go down in the history books as the man who plagued humanity with diabetes…

He kindly falls off the cliff behind us, leaving the rod!

Got 1 Immaculate Rod(s)!

We got the rod, now let's get the hell out of here.

On the surface, there are signs of trouble. Sugar coats the ground from the well towards Liberty Tower.

Sugar SuGar SUGaR sugar.

Nooo! Gahhhhh!
So the tomes were right…. It does exist.
He's just a chump like any other. Hey diabeastie! Over here!
Game on punk!

Music- Boss(Jonathan Taylor Thomas)

Reginald was a chump, the Diabeastie not so much. He can give everyone diabetes, do a 1 hit kill, a regular attack, or sit around and look cute. Using Snail Zuaber and chaff to slow him down turns this from a harried fight, into something more manageable.

Yeah that's to be expected, luckily Cyberdwarf can immunize diabetes.

I will give you diabetes!




Clever move, but it won't change FATE.

It looks like some kind of gizmo.

Got 1 Poleshaft(s)!

clapping is heard coming from behind. The party turns around and see an oddly dressed gentleman leaning against a column. He approaches.

Who the hell are you?
It is I, Octavius Steambrast; traverse of the skies and above. I have come to retrieve an item of great magickal importance, the Magick Poleshaft. I came upon this island to slay the Diabeastie with my own hands, but thanks to you fellows that is no longer necessary.
You mean this Poleshaft? Hmm, I don't know. I think I could use this.
Very well, I would not expect you to go uncompensated. What say you, that in exchange for the relic, I pledge 20% of profits I make from my Mechanical Bird to the United Negro College Fund?

I think I'll hold onto this.
This displeases me greatly. You have made an enemy today Charles Barkley. Make no mistake…. I will have the last laugh. Steam blast commence!

He rockets off into the distance

I've have had enough of this island . Let's visit Yelmirb so we can finally get off this damn rock.

It's a good thing we no longer need those items.
Yeah. At least we can finally see Yelmirb now.

Y… Yelmirb?
You have come for something, haven't you?
My son, Yelmirb, he's-
That name… that name, it frustrates me. Do not call me that. Call me Brimley. Wilford Brimley.

H-how do you know my name?
I know many things, Charles Barkley. Please, tell me about your son.
They… That bastard, he…
I sense a great level of diabetes within your son.
It's… It's type 2, the kind they were never able to cure. I didn't know what to do, I
didn't know where to take him. Please Wilford Brimley, I need you.
Many people need me, Charles Barkley, yet I can only help one. Do you know why I am hooked up to this machine? I have a gift. Perhaps others would call it a curse, but I choose to look at it differently. You see, I have the ability to take away someone's diabetes and make it my own. It hurts me, Charles Barkley, it hurts me very badly and because of extremely high levels of diabetes in my body, I must remain connected to this insulin machine at all times. I have remained in this room for over fifty years absorbing the suffering of those around me, but my body has grown weak and not even the constant insulin drip can help me anymore… I am dying. Charles Barkley… I am dying. Tell me, Charles Barkley… Why should I help you?
I love my son.
How much do you love him?
More that I loved Maureen.
That is all I wanted to hear. I will put Hoopz into my machine and I will take away his agony.

Barkley begins to hook his son up to the machine, when…

Y-you son of a bitch! What the hell are you doing here!? What the hell do you want?
My mission was to kill Hoopz Barkley. I am here to make sure that happens.
God damnit, Vince! Snap out of it, don't you see you've been brainwashed by B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.? This isn't like you, Vince! You're not one of the bad guys, you shouldn't be doing this!
N-no, I shouldn-… This is not my concern. My mission is to kill Hoopz Barkley and if you're going to stand in my way, then I'll kill you too!

Music - Eternity

Vince now has a ridiculous amount of VP and can heal himself. Has a single unit debuff to defenses, a self buff to all his stats that he constantly uses, and his old beam. The key to this fight is…

Diabetes. Since he keeps buffing, your attacks will do less and less, while diabetes takes off a percentage of health. Always try to give your boss diabetes, it's always a good decision.


He stumbles away.

Are you guys okay?
Y-yeah, I think I'm al-

Dad, where am I? What's going on?
Hoopz, I was so worried… I was so worried, Hoopz.
What's going on? Where are we?
Let's go Hoopz. There are some things I need to tell you.
Okay dad.

Let me know if there are any mistakes please. QA Props to Friend Commuter and Alpha3KV