The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 22: You're Special Hoopz, You Can't Deny It

Music - Liberty Island

What do you mean, dad? I'm just a normal kid. I'm no different from any of my friends.
There's something I never told you.
Huh? What do you mean?
Maureen…. Your mother… we were so excited to finally have a child. We were trying so hard for so many years and it never seemed to work. You should've seen the look on her face when she went into labor. I've never seen a woman so happy before. I'd never been so happy before. She was in labor for thirty-sic hours. We know you'd be a tough one coming out but we never expected this.
What do you mean dad?
She… your mother gave birth to a b-ball. It wasn't a b-ball, it was an egg but it looked just like one. We didn't know what to do and the doctor said he'd never seen anything like this before. It was another three months before you hatched, Hoopz.
But… what does it mean?
I don't know but… but that's not the end...

The sound of the audience cheering is deafening.

That all you got? Come on! If you can't slam with the best then jam with the rest!

but my confidence was just a façade, in reality I thought you'd grow up thinking I was a chump because I didn't win your first game. I didn't want that to happen.

There was only two seconds left. I didn't have enough time to shoot. I didn't have time to do anything. There was nothing I could do.

Music- Shut up and Space Jam


There was something I could do.

I closed my eyes and focused my b-ball energy. I had never done this before. Nobody had.

Dick Vitale game before!

This was it. It was now…

… or never.


I don't know what it means, son. I don't know why you were the only one to survive but I believe there's a reason. You wouldn't have been born in an egg if there wasn't a reason. You wouldn't have survived the Chaos Dunk if there wasn't a reason. You're special, Hoopz. You can't deny it.
Whether your differences are a blessing or a curse have yet to be proven, Hoopz, but I believe that whatever lies ahead of us is waiting for you.
You mean like… ~F.A.T.E~?

??? Charles...


Juwanna Mann walks up from the Underground Railroad and approaches the party.

J-Juwanna Mann?
I needed you to know, Charles that… that I low you with all my heart and bones.
I have something for you. It's a whistle. A Dimension Whistle to be exact. One too on this will send yo to the B-ball Dimension. I don't know how it works but you can use it whenever you want and it only works once.
J-Juwanna, I… Thank you.
No Charles. Thank you.

Got 1 Dimension Whistle(s)!

This turkey feather belonged to Maureen. It means a lot to me, Juwanna Mann. I want you to have it.
Charles, I can't.
Juwanna, please… Take it.

Lost Zalatar's Precious Turkey Feather!

Thank you Charles. Will I ever see you again?
I don't know, Juwanna. We're looking for manufacted jamicite and we don't know where to start.
I'd check Cuchulainn's Tomb if I were you. I've heard there's a large cache of it there. Do you know how to get there?
Not really.
You'll have to take the Underground Railroad to get there. It's just down the steps, just talk to the conductor.
Goodbye, Charles… Goodbye.

You know I couldn't do that to Maureen, Balthios. Grow up.
Hahaha, you act tough but you fall for them easily , you know that?
I said-
Enough! We have very little time to get to Cuchulainn's Tomb to get the manufacted jamicite. We need to speak to the conductor of the Underground Railroad immediately.
Right, we can't waste anymore time. Come on, guys.

Yeah, that's where we're going too.
Alright, then get on. I'm gonna be leaving soon.

Your son, what's his name?
It's Hoopz.
He reminds me of someone I used to know. Someone from a long time ago. His name was… Judas.
He was… the only man I ever loved. Or maybe the only man I ever tried to love. After he was gone, I just couldn't handle any other men. They say only the people who find true love can never move on. Maybe that's what we had.
What happened? Do you mind if I ask?
It was a long time ago, I can hardly remember it. He got caught up in some stupid fight and got killed. I told him it was stupid, he… he knew it was stupid but he was one of those guys who held on to an idea and wouldn't let go.
My wife Maureen died twelve years ago. I could never bring myself to love another after I lost her, either.

A few moments pass.

How long have you been down here?
In Proto Neo New York?
In the Underground Railroad.
Heh, it seems like forever. Maybe it has been, I don't know. Everyday seems like forever without… but today didn't seem so bad. We're almost there. Most people don't come to the outskirts of Neo New York unless they're running from something… or maybe I'm wrong?
I don't know if you're wrong or you're right, really.
It… It's not my business.

Music - Outskirts

I don't know why you're thanking me, mister. This place is as close to hell as you can get without being there. Not too many people live here and the ones that are here are only here because they've got nowhere else to go… but I don't think you're like those people.
Harriet… Thanks.
Be careful… and take care of your son.

Now, choices, we can either go north or south. Let's go south.

A spooky sound plays for the party, it's almost like they've triggered some sort of automated movement sensor and the most spine tingling notes to ever touch an inner ear are played.

Did you guys hear that?
Hear what?

The spooky sound plays again.

There it is again!
Look out! Someone's heading towards us from the shadows!

Music- Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Here we have the first optional boss. Ghastly Darklord is pretty mean. He can one hit kill, can tongue a guy for every status effect.

It's pretty bad if you forget to bring any healing items. I did bring an emergency Item.

He's also got two more regular that attacks, one where he uses eye lasers to hit everyone a few times and another where he pops off his head and knocks a party member with it. In the end, he just couldn't jam it.

I can't believe it… We killed the Ghastly Darklord.
Ghastly Darklord is the minion of Zerugon the evil time lord created thousands of years ago in the Shade Realm. It was said that defeating him is impossible without at least a level 40 bard present.
Hey dad, he dropped something!

Golden Potato is a very useful item, we'll be holding onto it. If we continue down the path we find two guys.

One of which sells healing items. The other,
What are you doing out here man? Do you know where we are? These are the outskirts of Neo New York, you're walking along the border of everything and nothing.
We're looking for Cuchulainn's Tomb, you know where it is?
Yeah, you came down the wrong way where the road splits. Cuchulainn's Tomb is up the other way. Just keeyp heading north and you'll make it.
Thank a lot, man.
It's my business to help people out. One might even say helping is my forte.


To the left the road leads to some sort of cave. Let's go north again.

Ah, a camp. Let's mingle like its 2044.

They say the ghost of a Celtic space warlord haunts Cuchulainn's Tomb and his horde of bainshee minions torture anyone who enters. Not that I'm an authority on Cuchulainn or anything. I make a habit of not entering donjons.

The Post-Cyberpocalypse has dealt hard times for just about everyone and you look to be no exception. The least I can do is offer you a place by the fire. Why don't you sit down and rest for a while?

Resting Accomplished

Hey, are you head to Cuchulainn's Tomb.
Yeah, we're looking for manufacted jamicite.
Cuchulainn's Tomb is just north of here. It's a dangerous place and every once and a while we hear wails and moans coming from it. We try to stay away from it but if you absolutely have to go… I'd talk to Bert before you leave to stuck up on supplies.
Alright, thanks a lot.
You be careful… don't end up like one of those bainshees.

Each one of these people has a name. Everyone is this game does. Most are common names, like Bertha, Mike, and Bert. This next guy's name is The Animayor.

I have traveled many lands in my attempt to compile a comprehensive guide to all creatures that go bump in the night. Perhaps you could call it a… bestiary. Whatever you call it, my knowledge extends far beyond that of most mortals. Perhaps you would choose to partake of it.

I can only hope that my knowledge has aided you in the some form or another. It is my goal to make mainstream the information I have given you… Also I have a PhD in anime.

Speaking of PhD's in anime,

I promised earlier to divulge upon you the name of my favorite vidcon, but I have a treat: not only will I give you the name, but I will give you a tantalizing summary to entice you to try it(though you will no doubt need to brush up on your kanji before playing, as the vidcon's subtle yet flavorful use of Japanese idiosyncrasies can only be grasped in their entirety with a sound mastery of Japanese). The vidcon, as many of you may have guessed, is the absolutely stunning RPG/dating sim Angelique: Tenkuee no Chikonka, one of the first games to pioneer the moe aesthetic. It flawlessly merges a powerful and compelling RPG story and system with an incredibly advanced and realistic dating sim that has sixteen (that's right, SIXTEEN) datable characters. Though it is not generally my nature to develop crushes, I must admit to feeling the palpitations of love's caress once or twice while dating, as the characters are very beautifully drawn in the anime style. Add absolutely enchanting music with incredibly lush and colorful graphics and you've got the perfect recipe for the best game ever made.

Let's go check out those mines that we passed before.

Music- Chup Mines

gemstones, as did his father, and his father before him, and his before him, and so on. To be reduced to mining chups for genies… they'd be ashamed of us!

Zorf Gobletwind Here here!

Pelpoc the Dire What do you say we do, Jamal Bloodyguzzle?

I say we go on strike and give these genies, who would disturb our right to accumulate treasure for our ghoulish Duergar gods, a piece of our minds!

Fredegar Murderstone Aye

Wrothgar Satchelscream I'm with you!

We'll toil no longer for the genies until we can get a better contract; one that grants us all of the civil liberties that Duergars are entitled to!
It seems we've come to a Square-Enix-Goya run mine that's run into a few labor problems.
Perhaps we can find some way to help.
You guys are always getting me dragged into shit I don't want nothing to do with. This is the every-man-for-himself Post-Cyberpocalypse, I don't have time for this shit. I don't even know what we could do to help.
These are Duergars, Barkley, my brethren. At least grant me the courtesy to visit them. It's been far too long since I have walked amongst the dwarfs…
Fine, we can see what's up but I'm not getting involved in this shit.

Next time, we wade knee deep in gemstones and magic lamps and really get to the bottom of these issues! Showing all outcomes so no need to vote, and again, if I missed any edits, let me know please.