The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 25: Steamship to a brighter future

Music - Cuchulainn's Donjon

Barkley, are you aware of the story of Cuchulainn?
Not really. Should I be?
Yes, Barkley… You should be very aware of his story. It began long ago, long before the Cyberpocalypse. Cuchulainn was a Celtic space warlord with crimes too unbearable to even mention.
What did he do, Cyberdwarf?
What he did was… too gruesome, too terrible to tell. I am sure that someday, Hoopz, you will know what he did, but his crimes are not important now. What is important is that Clispaeth was able to seal Cuchulainn's power away and prevent him from ever causing harm again. However, as millennia passed, the power of the seal eroded and Cuchulainn was once again able to extend his darkened tendrils into the world. Granted, he's still sealed but some of his power has leaked through to our dimension.
What does all this mean, Cyberdwarf? Is Cuchulainn coming back or what? I don't get it.
Cuchulainn has the ability to show a man what he most desires, Barkley. It means that if you see what you want the most inside this tomb, absolutely do not touch it. Touching it will break the seal forever and release Cuchulainn back into the world.
I'll… remember that. We'd better get going through, that jamicite isn't going to get itself.

Cuchu's tomb looks great. I think the outside is from Tales of Phantasia I think, and the insides are maybe from secret of mana. My knowledge of Snes era RPGs is failing me.

It's battle combine all the enemies we have faced thus far.

Along with a new foe, the Bainshee, which can either grind up on a character to give them aspergers, reduce a stat from everyone by 20 or use a sonic attack that does about 100 damage to each player.

There's also ton's of treasures at this point, basically all the healing items you'll need until the end of the game are given freely here.

Four dull squares before a locked door. Each corresponds to -

One of these crystals.

It looks like you can press the crystal in, dad.

What kind of a madman would do that? There's got to be a key lying around here somewhere, it doesn't make any sense why someone would use crystals to unlock a door.
This is no ordinary man we are dealing with Barkley. Cuchulainn has been known to make dangerous donjon caverns with complex mechanics to drive those who wander them insane. They didn't call him a crazed space warlord for no reason, that's for certain.
I think everyone had trouble with this the first time through, each crystal is active for a certain amount of seconds, and they must be hit in a sequence that can only be gotten through trial and error. It's best to clear out this room of enemies to give some breathing room, and get the treasures. Among the treasures is-

A fancy new zauber that really isn't as good as the snail zuaber.

Anyway the pattern that works best is Cyan, Purple, Red, and then Green. There are many more possibilities, but that is the most efficient.

It sounds like something moved. Let's go back and investigate.

Gate open and I think that's the tile from Secret Evermore in the clean kingdom.

It is, Barkley. The jamicite we're looking for is on the other side of this door.
Well that doesn't help us. How the hell are we going to get this gatdam door open?
Barkley, calm down! Not in front of Hoopz!
I'm… I'm sorry, I lost my temper and I shouldn't have but there's just… so much at stake. We can't afford to fuck up.
It's okay dad, it's just… sometimes I get scared when you're like this.

Barkley shies away from Hoopz's eyes and turns towards the door.

We're gonna need to find a way to open this door some way or another.
Well there seem to be four corridors leading from this gateway. It would be logical if we split up, one to each corridor, and looked for a way to open it.
It sounds like a good plan. We'll cover more ground that way. Is this alright with you, Barkley?
It looks like we don't have much of a choice. I'll take the top right path. Balthios and Hoopz can take the bottom paths and Cyberdwarf can take the top left one.
We'll need to hustle, we don't have much time left. Oh and… good luck everyone.

First we follow Balthios.

Android officer is slow, so slow that Balthios gets two attacks for every one of his. With 500 hp, he goes down in 4 hits.

The path opens up-

To a new challenge!

??? Covenant? Hold on now, you're losing me. Something buried? Wha… Keyes? I don't understa… Hold on now. Yes; activates H_lo's defenses and destroy the Flood, which is why we brought the Index to the control center. Enough! The Flood is spreading. If we activate H_alo's defenses, we can wipe them out. Is it true? That's not going to happen! It'll hold. We'll make it. Here we go. Did anyone else make it? No, I think we're just getting started.

He is actually pretty hard.

Music - Death Temple

Too hard some might say, because now the Barkley is dead because Balthios died.

Idiotkid importantly, playable experience) until I was greeted with " And I'm Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood in Death Temple in Hell, clearly a redumentary (albeit weak) attempt at political commentary in the same vein as such philistines programs as "Little Bush". I'm sorry but I don't need your ignorant, and quite frankly misplaced, political commentary in the middle of my vidconning. Are you implying America is hell? Are you implying that George Bush is Satan? I'm sorry but this extraordinarily juvenile dickery is nothing but incoherent political ramblings about something you understand nothing about, I'm sorry but this completely ruined the vidcon for me. I'm going to have to subtract one point from your replayability score.

Religio: muslim/musselman
Likes: the Koran, Koran-themed sports
Dislikes: science
Comments: if you like the Koran please message me at

Number 2 Dad: Borgliddle
Number 1 Dad: Drule

Dedicated to all true pap paps.

Mr. 3000… I… I wish I had gotten the chance to say goodbye…
??? Maybe it's not too late.
Who's there?!
??? Prepare yourself, Barkley, for a world undreamed of.

I'm a vamp… I only used you so I could gulp your blood.
Gretel Where are you going, Bernie?
Somewhere far away…
Gretel Please tell me, Bernie…
I'm going to my vamp den to prepare for "The Second Coming." This will be the final battle between all the vamp clans.
Gretel What about our child?
He's gonna be a hell vamp.
Gretel H-hell vamp?
There are three types of vamps. The first kind is the hell vamp, stalkers who gulp blood of their friends and foes under the cover of moonlight. They prefer cryptic castles filled with eldritch tomes about thaumaturgy and runes to living in a cave… but then again, who doesn't?
Gretel But our child, how do you know he's going to be a hell vamp?
I'm a vamp, I just know these things. The next type of vamp is the daypire. They're like regular vamps but they stalk only during the day. Not one vamp scholar cracked the code of the daypire… not yet. The final type of vamp … that's the blood vamp. That's what I am. Blood vamps are treacherous vamps who wear cloaks and always have their… "bases" covered.
Gretel B-Bernie…
We harness the power of blood to gain vamp powers, some of which include controlling all manner of fowl, deflecting all oncoming boomerangs, and a very high level of acrobatics.
Gretel Bernie, I… I don't want you to go.
Blood vamps got one more power I didn't tell you about.
Gretel Y-yes?

Gretel Bernie… my Bernie…

Be careful out there Mr. 3000. We're counting on you…

That's what soap told me when I asked him what he wanted to say.

Comes out
Diggity's targ games
Tft's rainbow nightmare
Lazrael's games
Drule's space commander Frasier crane if it comes out
Soap and corel's remedy if it comes out
Fred Murderstone (its in the works buddies)
Definitive list of all vidcon's
- Chef "the rpg macker" Boyardee

And that is death temple. Now what if Blathios had defeated M_ster C_eif

A third and final trail opens.

??? Rrrrrrrrrrraaaaghhh! Prepare for death!

Without the snail zauber, he would have been difficult. But as it stands, he can only slow Balthios's roll.

"How to Effectively Utilize Zaubers in an Offensive Manner Vol. III." This seems to be a tome of some sort… and this one "Advanced Zauber Mechanics Vol. IX"… This… this library houses every single tome and compendium on zaubers ever written. I have been search for some of these my whole life. This truly is a collection of compendiums to be revered.

He moves away from the bookshelves and towards the back wall

However, now is not the time to be studying zaubers. Charles entrusted the task of finding a way to open the gate to me. I cannot abuse his trust or prove it misplaced.

He turns back towards the endless rows of books

P-precious compendiums…
??? All of these compendiums and tomes… They could be yours if you simply touch them.
What!? Who was that?
??? All you need to do is… touch a compendium.
Hah, just as I suspected! This was merely a ruse of Cuchulainn's. I believe Cyberdwarf mentioned it earlier, that he would show us whatever we most desire. I… I suppose my thirst for knowledge nearly did get the better of me though.

The walls shake as the ancient switch releases unseen gears.

To think that I could nearly fall for such a trick this obvious...

We now join Cyberdwarf in his trials.

Hmm… There appears to be some sort of pit ahead of me. I wonder if it holds the answers to the mystery of the jamicite gate…

Ahead, a bottomless pit, to our right, a bucket of sand.

A bucket of sand. I shall acquire this item.

I love these types of puzzles because I love sand and pits and mystery. We just follow the trail and get to the other side.

That… that was the toughest puzzle I've ever seen.

What is this? A… a dwarf?

He studies the figure closely.

Is this… me? Is this who I would have been if… M-my skin… I've been so lonely since the accident, nobody will talk to a… to a gatdam dwarf with b-ball skin. All these years and not a single friend, not a single lover to make the pain go away, if only for one night. Nobody ever said "Hey Cyberdwarf, how is it going" or "Cyberdwarf, I love you." Nobody. And… and it's because of my appearance. This... is who I should have been.
??? This is who you can be if you only touch the image.
I… I can become him if I touch it?
??? You no longer need to wear the shackles of b-ball skin, Cyberdwarf. You no longer need to feel the pain of being alone.
Hmph. I'm not so vain and foolish as to believe you, Cuchulainn. I wear my b-ball skin with pride. I hold my head high and proudly call myself a B-Ball American. I honor the traditions of the b-balls that came before me and I will continue to do so.

Cyberdwarf walks past his dwarven form and heads to the switch at the back of the wall

Now all I need to do is hit this switch.
Once again, ancient gears begin to spin.

We've got a chose the right path puzzle.

Pick the right one and an eye glows. The path is Left Up Left Right.

Kinda boring… Hey, there's a switch over there! Maybe if I pull it the gate will open! Wh-whoa! Sounds like the gate opened…


Totally empty except for this-

A loud clank surprises Barkley as gold bars and coins appears behind him! The room is filled with riches to the ceiling!

Wh-what was that?

He spins around!

G-gold… Incan gold…
??? Take it, Barkley. Take the Incan gold. You want it, Barkley. You want it more than anything else.
I… I want the Incan gold…
??? Touch it. Touch the gold, Barkley. Touch the Incan gold.
I probably should…

And ancient force consumes the room, a giant spirit is released and all the gold vanishes!

??? HAHAHAHA, you fool, Charles Barkley! You freed me! You have freed me from my millennia of imprisonment!
Oh shit. Did I just free Cuchulainn? The Incan gold wasn't even real… I should probably pull this switch…

He couldn't possibly have-
I'm sure he's okay, Hoopz… I'm sure of it..

Barkley emerges from his corridor and sees the rest of the party

Sorry for the wait. It looks like the gate's open now.
It is, but the strangest thing happened to me while I was alone. I saw this great library filled with lexicons, compendiums, and tomes about zaubers. IT even held a copy of the fabled "Zaubernomicon," which most zauber scholars did not even believe existed. I supped it was a reflection of my greatest desires, knowledge of zaubers, but still, it was interesting to see.
Something similar happened to me. I saw an illusion of myself before… before my b-ball skin grafts. I saw who I would be today if it weren't for the accident.
It seems we both saw our greatest desires. Did you see anything, Hoopz?
Nope, I didn't see anything.
You're sure of this, Hoopz? You saw nothing?
Yeah, nothing. Not even vidcons.
I, uh, didn't see anything either.
The implications of this… My suspicions were right all along…
I believe I'm following your train of thought Cyberdwarf, but we have more pressing things to attend to, namely the jamicite.
That's right, the jamicite. Let's go through the gate and get the jamicite.

I believe this is the-
This is it. I've never been so sure in my entire life but I KNOW this is the jamicite.
Barkley, are you alright?
This feeling… I'm… better than alright. This is the best I've felt in a long time, it's like… it's like that feeling before a big game, your fans are cheering for you and the announcer's shouting out your stats and the dj is pumping out the jock jams. Heh, they banned jock jams during the Purge but… but I can hear 'em in my dome, I can hear the fans roaring for me.
Are you ready to insert the jamicite into the prototype, Barkley?
… I'm ready.
He walks up towards the podium.

It's… The Hell B-ball is complete…
The prototype is-
I can feel it…
Dad, are you okay?
One billion b-balls dribbling simultaneously throughout the galaxy. One trillion b-balls being slam dunked through a hoop throughout the whole cosmos. I can feel every single b-ball that has ever existed at my fingertips, I can feel their collective knowledge channeling through my veins. Every jump shot, every rebound and three pointer, every layup, dunk, and free throw. I am there.

I Am B-Ball. Though I have reforged the Ultimate B-Ball, there is something I must still do. There is another basketball that cries out for an owner. No, not an owner. A companion. I must find this b-ball, save it from the depths of obscurity that it so fears. I will meet you outside of Cuchulainn's Tomb. Do not worry. I will be back.
Charles, are you okay?
I am… Beyond such primal emotions as "okay," Balthios. I am… enlightened.
You will be alright, Barkley?
This is something I must do alone, Cyberdwarf, but do not worry. I will return, this I vow.
Be careful dad…
You don't need to worry Hoopz. There is nothing that can happen to me. I have already seen the outcome… goodbye.

It should be no surprise to my more -informed viewers that the topic of my discussions would eventually fall to the well-established artform of eroge (known to laymen as "hentai vidcons," though this is a false moniker as the vidcons deal with far more than mere hentai.) Much-beloved in the East, these games are sadly, and one might even say expectedly, decried in the West as bastions of perversions and pedophilia for portraying extremely young girls in erotic situations. A person who looks at pictures of fictional little girls isn't necessarily sexually attracted to them. What if (s)he finds them cute? Despite the obvious flaws in the anti-eroge constituency, they continue to claim that eroge are sad, cartoon versions of sex for manchildren that promote rape, pedophilia, and abuse towards women. The logic used seems quite silly, because then people who enjoy killing or raping in games would be classified as murders/rapists in real life. Come on. It's a fantasy, it's inside your head. Get educated. I recommend Kana:Little Sister, Rape Academy 2, or Crescendo to start with.

??? Welcome to my resting place, Charles Barkley.
Who…who are you?
???I have had many names throughout the ages, but you may call me… Shimmerglobe.
Shimmerglobe I was forged thousands of years ago by the proto-dwarfs in a volcano. They infused me with ancient magics to give me speed, bounce, range, and most importantly… accuracy. I cannot miss a jump shot or dunk, Charles Barkley. I cannot miss a slam, jam, thank you ma'am.
But that breaks all the NBA rules and regulations!
Shimmerglobe I came before rules and regulations! I wrote the rules and regulations! I have chosen you, Barkley, because I believe that you are the only one that can save b-ball. You are the only one that can restore it to its former glory.
B-but how?
Shimmerglobe Only with the combined powers of myself and the Hell B-Ball which you just forged can we defeat B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. and the Ultimate B-Ball. Only then can basketball begin anew. But first I must test you to see if you are truly the one to wield me. You must face my guardian, the dreaded B-Ball Spider.
Bring it on…

It's one of these, no stat changes, no nothing.

Shimmerglobe Just as I expected. There is something I must teach you before we go on. It is… the final "Verboten Jam."
Shimmerglobe It is… the Double Dribble. With this skill, you can wield both myself and the Hell B-Ball, merging our powers.
This power coursing through me body… I can… dribble two b-balls at once…
Shimmerglobe Come Barkley. We must leave at once. We have little time to stop B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.