The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 26: Part 1 of 2: Penultimate Gum Ball Machine

Music - Outskirts

He said he'd be back soon, I'm going in there!
Hoopz, no! It's too dangerous!
B-but… my dad!

??? I'm here, Hoopz.

Barkley, what happened?!
I… I felt this b-ball calling me form deep inside Cuchulain's Tomb. It was a powerful voice and it told me that I could save b-ball if I defeated B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. It… it lent me its power and the ability to Double Dribble.
Double Dribble, you mean… dual wield two b-balls?
My lord…
I control the powers of Shimmerglobe, B-Ball of the Ancient Proto-Dwarfs and the Hell B-Ball, forged on the anvil of jamicite. I now have the power to shoot a three pointer from 30 yards away.
Barkley, that's not a three-pointer. That's a four-pointer.
Well now that we've got the power to counter the Ultimate B-Ball and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S., what do we do now?
I… I don't know…
We just don't know where and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is. It almost seems like all of this was for nothing.
It could take me days or weeks or months to divine the location of and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. but by then it may be too late. My scrying powers can only go so far.
But… we can't just give up you guys! We can't just stop everything!
No, we can't…
Necron 5.
Necron 5. The Ultimate B-Ball is on Necron 5.
Barkley, how do you know this?
I don't know… I just… do. I can feel it. I can feel its energy coming from the Necron 5.
Are you channeling its power through the Hell B-Ball?
I don't know, I think so. All I know is that it's on Necron 5.
What's Necron 5, Mr. James?
The Necron 5 is an intergalactic slave ship, Hoopz. Those that spoke against the government during the Purge who weren't executed were put on the Necron 5 to do hard labor in the Tupperware mines. But even if we know it's on the Necron 5, it's still in outerspace. How are we going to get there?
My ship… the one I crash landed in when I came to this planet. It's south of Neo New York. We can use that.
I thought your ship was destroyed when you came to Earth. That's what you said back in Cesspool X.
It was, but I've been here a long time, Barkley. Long enough to repair my ship. I've wanted to leave this planet for a long time but I've been searching for the b-ball messiah.
Well how do we get to your ship?
We'll have to leave Neo New York and go south. It's not far away and it's not hard to find.
Alright. Then we'll leave for your ship and head to the Necron 5.
Is everything gonna be alright, dad?
I hope so Hoopz, I sure hope so.

Far South past the Ghastly Darklord and the two helpful gents is the world map.

There's not too much to explore, but it does have a world map.

The game makes of give two confirmations of intent, so you know shit's about to get serious.

I hope you're sure about this.

Music - Falling

This is gonna be the final battle. There's no turning back from here.
Are they gonna give us back the b-ball, dad?
I… I don't know Hoopz.
I just hope that when we get rid of this Ultimate B-Ball thing, they realize that it's not b-ball that's the problem, but the people who misuse it. Basketball's not about hurting people. It's about slamming and jamming, right dad?
Yeah, Hoopz…. Yeah.
We're approaching the Necron 5. I don't know what we are to expect once we're inside so everyone be on high alert.
Cyberdwarf, can you come here a second?

Barkley, I don't know if I can do that. My basketball skin makes me ill-equipped to be a father.
I'm not asking you to be a father, Cyberdwarf. I'm asking you to be a mentor.
If anything happens to you, yes, I will take care of Hoopz.
Thank you, Cyberdwarf.

The center console begins flashing, beckoning Cyberdwarf back to the helm.

Prepare for entry into Necron 5…

Music - Necron 5

This is…
The Necron 5.
There's nowhere to go but forward.
I don't know who or what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is but I know that the answer is somewhere on this ship.
I'm not afraid dad. I'm gonna stick by you no matter what.
I've been with you from the beginning Barkley. There's no backing down now.

Moving forward, the party finds themselves in a large metallic room, with a single metallic man in the middle.

I've been waiting for you, Charles Barkley. You have impeded the progress of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. for too long and for this you have been sentenced to death by the Master. Surrender now and your deaths will be as quick and painless as humanly possible. Resist and… b-ball will the least of your worries.
You know damn well that b-ball will always be foremost of my worries, Vince, and it was the foremost of yours too.

Vinceborg turns to face Charles.

Vince… look into your heart. Look at what you've become. Look at what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has turned you into. You're a gatdam murderer and terrorist now! You're trying to kill one of your closest friends and for what? To destroy the game that you loved most. Do you remember a long time ago when we were kids?
I didn't have any friends, Vince. I would watch all the kids having fun on the b-ball court from the window. I wanted to be out there so bad but I was afraid. I didn't know what they'd think of me, what they'd say when I missed a shot or fouled a teammate. But none of that mattered to you, Vince. You passed me the ball and asked me if I wanted to play. You gave me the ball, Vince. You gave me the sport, but more importantly… you gave me a purpose.
I… I remember…
This isn't where you belong, Vince. This isn't who you are, you're not B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Don't let them do this to you.
Wh-what have I done? What have I become Barkley, Hoopz, everybody… I'm sorry.
There is only one task left to execute…

What!? Vince, get a grip! You can fight B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.'s control, don't destroy yourself! Gatdamn, it doesn't have to end this way!


In that instant Vinceborg's body begins to glow white hot, and -

He's gone.


Barkley turns from the wreckage of his oldest friend, to his son, Balthios, and Cyberdwarf.

When's it going to end, huh!? When's all this shit gonna end! You hear me B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.? You're gonna pay for this in spades! Damn spades!
(Clispaeth have mercy…)
Why's everything gotta be so messed up? Why do they always gotta take it one step further!?
I don't mean to imposed, but we don't time to stand and grieve. We need to press forward, we can't stop now.
You're right… We got a score to settle.
Dad, let's go beat up the bad guys so no more people get hurt!
You got it son.

The pod in the left refills VP and BP, one final hack attempt, and the last of the game.

Fuck, I really should have gone Navy. Anyway,

Here are all the ending supplies I'm taking, there's some tough battles and it's better to be safe than sorry.

I'm surprised you made it this far, Barkley. Men of your caliber rarely go far in life. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't even know the difference between Ar Tonelico - Melody of Elemia and Growlanswer 3. Still, my desire to quiz you is overbearing. If you can prove yourself to be ever marginally adequate in the field of vidcons I will give you something nice.
What? I don't know anything about vidcons.
Don't worry dad, I got it.
Are you sure Hoopz?
Take a chill pill, dad. I'm a vidcon expert.
I'm... proud of you son.
Hmph, so you say. I will start you off with an easy one. What is the proper shortening of "console video game"?

Easy, vidcon.
Hmph, even gaijin know that. Which of the following is the most superior?

Arc the Lad 2, but really I really like Tony Hawk…
Arc the Lad is correct, although your comment about Tony Hawk indicates more than just a minimal level of idiocy. What is the ultimate vidcon snack?

Well, pocky is alright…
Correct. Pocky's light weight and easy-to-handle shape makes it perfect for vidconning on the go. What can Yasunori Mitsuda's compositional style best be described as?

Celto-tropic, I guess…
Yes, but any idiot could have told me that. Final Question. What is my favorite vidcon?

Oh fuck, I must have misspelled it in the post because I have Angelique: Tenkuee no Chikonka, a google search shows that Angelique: Tenshi no Chinkonka is a game, so it must be the first or -

The first and last are the exact same. Hmmm, let's go with the last one.

Heh, you blubbering ignoramus. Even a slack-jawed American sports enthusiast with no concept of the differences between the Famicon and Super Famicon Entertainment Systems could have gotten that one, that it's any surprise that your lackluster brain, riddled with deficiencies due, no doubt, to your slovenly Western lifestyle and upbringing, could ever possibly retain that information. Here's a tip: read a manga. Oh yeah, and have fun looking that up in the dictionary. That's right, you won't find it because moronic Westerners who don't know the difference between the wii-mote and a nunchuck can't read from right to left. Now if you'll excuse me, my sake's getting cold.

Fuck it's not that one. Let's try the first.

It's the first one.
Congratulations, you've passed my ultimate vidcon challenge. Here is your reward.

Wait, that was it?
Next time collect all four library cards.
Fuck this.