Part 759: Let's Read: Main Event - Part 1
Let’s Read: Main Event (part 1)Ahh, Battletech novels. They were a staple of my youth, and I love them (even if Michael Stackpole really should’ve stuck to writing about X-Wing fighters). However, as you know, I’m extremely opinionated; and there are books that I strongly dislike. I honestly don’t mind Mary Sue characters, I genuinely like Prince Victor Davion, Phelan Kell, Kai Allard-Liao, and Cassie Suthorn. I don’t hate Duncan Kalma, Loren Jaffrey would be a pretty cool guy to drink with, and even that terrorist dickhead Aris Sung is pretty fun to read about.
… And then there’s Jeremiah Rose. Jeremiah. Fucking. Rose.
When I first read the first (and only) two books about the Black Thorns, I sincerely wanted to like them. On paper, they have a lot of character: they’re a small company of Mercenaries lead by a former member of the ComGuards who also happens to be a Northwind Highlander (even if he’s not actively practicing his caber-tossing). Unfortunately, well… you’ll see.
You’ll fucking see.
So, without further adeu, I present to you:
Also known as,
Oh, and before I forget to mention it, this book has pictures which I will be scanning and showing you. They’re hilariously bad.
Chapter 1
Tara, Northwind
23 April 3054
There is no prologue, thank god. This book was pretty clearly intended to be a one-shot at this point, so they do pretty much nothing in the way of the interesting politics that Battletech is pretty famous for. This is not in the book’s favor, watching the unfolding politics and scheming antagonists is half the fun, and the closest we’re going to come to ‘political maneuverings’ is a dickhead in a Marauder II.
But hey, spoilers.
Main Event posted:
Jeremiah Rose stopped to draw in a deep breath.
Oh, hey, that’s a good start. Our protagonist has remembered how to breathe.
Main Event posted:
The dawn breezes on Northwind had a scent all their own, one he had never forgotten in all the years away from his homeworld. The real thing was far better than any memory, but he had no time to tarry.
But he does have time to waste thinking about it. Our time. He then goes to customs and body-slams the door open. God, I really wish I was joking.
Main Event posted:
Startled customs agents in their regulation Stewart tartans stared at Rose as he pushed the unexpectedly light door open with a crash.
Rose then contemplates on how IRRITATING customs is even in the far future world of OUTER SPACE. See? He is a relatable character! LOVE HIM!
… Honestly, this is our first impression of Jeremiah Rose and he comes across as a total asshole; describing a man he’s never met (the custom’s official) as “evil” and “narrow minded” even though they haven’t even said a single word to each other yet. You see, Jeremiah just knows people. If he thinks about something, he is probably correct. If he makes an observation, it is ALWAYS correct. He’s Dominic Deegan in space and it hurts just thinking about it.
Customs then takes a little longer then normal because Rose is a dickhead (but he blames it on the customs officials, what a GREAT GUY). Rose owns precisely three jumpsuits and a single pair of formal-wear, and it still takes the 90 year old customs agent a half-hour to sort through it because Rose A) hasn’t washed his clothing since he left Terra, B) doesn’t believe in folding anything, and C) is an unhelpful dickhead.
Rose then lets the old man fumble around with his second suitcase for a bit before he reveals that the latches are GENETICALLY ENCODED to only open for JEREMIAH ROSE. This case holds Rose’s pistol which is described as being custom-made for Rose and “like a rifle with a short grip”.
AKA, it’s bullshit. The Customs agent then declares that the laser ‘pistol’ is a “Mechwarrior’s weapon” which is ridiculous since most Mechwarriors carry weapons that can fit in a holster or, at the very worst, a pocket holdout pistol that’s easily concealed; not a colossal “twice the size and weight of an average laser pistol” laser pistol.
The agent then asks to see the papers for Rose’s ‘Mech, learns he’s dispossessed (aka: has no ‘Mech), and announces it to everyone in the room to
People then point and laugh at Rose, and he turns the other cheek. See? HE is a LIKEABLE
We are then treated to several paragraphs about how startled Rose is to see people
Main Event posted:
Of all the people and places Rose had seen, none could match the vigor of the Highlanders when it came to enjoying life.
Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Anyway, after some more pointless exposition wherein it is revealed that Rose has a GURU from which he learned the SPACE MYSTICISM that allows him to be RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME, Rose commandeers a Taxi and directs it to take him to The Fort; the Northwind Highlanders’ main base (an old Castle Brian) on Northwind. The Driver just gives Rose a look.
Main Event posted:
“The Fort,” [Rose] repeated. “I’m not some stupid tourist or dumb mercenary. Take me to the Fort, now.”
Cowed by Rose’s forcefulness, the driver faced front again and eased the car into traffic.
WHAT A NICE GUY.
We’re then treated to more information about the Northwind Highlanders that simply doesn’t matter because Coleman did it better and this book isn’t about the Highlanders in any way. We then learn that the Northwind Highlanders, a mercenary organization of four regiments, is ruled by warriors. What. A. Surprise.
Rose then
We then learn that Rose requested permission to speak before the Assembly of Warriors six months ago. They’d probably have responded sooner if he hadn’t been on fucking Terra. We then learn, surprise of surprises:
Main Event posted:
His numerous requests had initially received a poor response, but with persistence he had finally managed to win a place on the agenda. After almost three months aboard ship, he finally arrived by JumpShip at the nadir jump point for Northwind.
Ok, to put this in perspective: Terra is precisely one jump from Northwind. He should’ve been there in two weeks. Additionally, the Highlanders pride themselves on letting any Highlander (by blood) address the assembly; yet they are only allowing Rose to speak to get him to STOP PESTERING US ALREADY, GODDAMN YE!
They keep him waiting outside the door for nine hours, then let him in. We then learn that Rose is nervous about public speaking; which is a genuine and relatable character train, right?
Then the chapter ends.
Next Time:
Jeremiah Rose gets laughed out of the Assembly of Warriors. Also, a picture of him trying SO HARD not to be all pouty about it.